M 69

Ki Tae-jeong was silent for a long time.

“…Just looking at you act like this, really.”

Then, after staring intently at Sehwa’s hand resting on his belly, he let out a long sigh. That was all.

Sehwa tightly bit his pale, dry lips. What about me? Why the way I act? While unable to ask the man directly, a timid rebellious spirit pricked Sehwa’s heart like sharp thorns.

In fact, considering Ki Tae-jeong’s usual way of speaking, this response was rather gentle in comparison. He’s someone who wouldn’t hesitate to wield the blade of his tongue at the slightest misstep. The fact that he wasn’t angrily asking what Sehwa had just said so impudently, or even his rare attempt to explain that wasn’t what he meant… It seemed like he was planning to let it go just like this.

It was Sehwa who was over-interpreting, thinking that Ki Tae-jeong found his actions pathetic. Constantly attaching meaning to just a few words, dwelling on how worthless a person he was to Tae-jeong, and then hurting alone. Even though he had resolved not to do this anymore, he kept doing it every time.

There was so much he wanted to ask Tae-jeong, so much he wanted to say. Just as he had told him not to curse at the baby, he could have simply asked what exactly he was to him. But taking that one step was not easy, and fearing he might hear those sharp words from Tae-jeong again, he just simmered inside.

“First, sign this. Whether I curse at the kid or not in the future, whether you have the baby or not… anyway, it’s something that needs to be done.”

Pulling the tablet forward and touching the screen, a document floated up.

Application for Pregnancy Guardian Registration.

As if the minor details had already been filled in, a message asking for a signature was blinking on the screen.

Ki Tae-jeong was firmly holding the corner of the panel so that Sehwa couldn’t push the tablet away. Placing it at a distance where he had to look at it even if he didn’t want to, as if saying he had to accept it unconditionally.

Sehwa swallowed a sigh and awkwardly adjusted his posture. Too self-conscious to get up and leave, yet unable to look directly at him. Still sitting on Ki Tae-jeong’s lap, he just squirmed and turned his back.

Why was he so obsessed with registering as the guardian? While Sehwa would find no trace of him in any documents after this period ended, it wasn’t the same for Ki Tae-jeong. As long as he remained in the military, he would be the one feeling uncomfortable seeing the permanent record.

Moreover, Ki Tae-jeong was of a rank that could ignore all procedures. They didn’t even ask for Sehwa’s ID when accompanying him, so he could have signed arbitrarily and just notified him. Wouldn’t that be easier? Yet he insisted on bringing Sehwa to the government building and making him review and sign the content himself.

Sehwa was about to place his index finger on the tablet screen, but instead clenched his fist tightly.

One last time… one last time, let me ask.

Why are you so eager to put your name on my records?

Since when did you start caring whether I have morning sickness or my body weakens, to the point of trying to take care of me like this?

You said such awful things that I don’t even want to recall, so casually, so why now are you not letting me misunderstand you?

Why.

Just why.

“Not going to do it?”

“……”

“If you’re not going to, I’ll do it for you.”

Instead of answering, Sehwa stretched out his arm. Following that clumsy movement, the soft knit slid down his wrist. With his pale hand, so tense that even the veins had hidden, Sehwa barely managed to cover the back of Ki Tae-jeong’s hand holding the tablet.

“Brigadier General.”

“…What are you up to now?”

“There’s something I want to ask.”

And as soon as he spoke, Sehwa regretted it.

Without even the courage to look Ki Tae-jeong straight in the eye, was it really right to bring this up? Even if weak and pathetic, rebellion was still rebellion. Once he started this, there would be no going back…

“So…”

Feeling like he might hyperventilate again, he covered his mouth with his other hand and slowly caught his breath.

It’s frightening, but there’s no choice. Having opened his mouth… he’ll finish what he started.

The unidentified questions that had been piling up before had gradually solidified into a certain conviction during his time with Tae-jeong today. It had already swollen too large to simply ignore, and it hurt too much to pretend not to notice… So he wanted to ask Tae-jeong too. If he had thoughts like his own.

“Brigadier General, do you…”

“Do I what?”

“You… how do you think of me?”

Sehwa squeezed his eyes shut and blurted out the sentence that had been floating in his mind all along.

“…What?”

“You said before. If I don’t listen, you’d throw me down in the middle of a gambling den and have customers bet on how many times I’d come from behind.”

The man’s hand beneath Sehwa’s soft palm instantly stiffened. Sehwa could feel every part of him that he was touching tense up – the thigh he was sitting on, the embrace he was awkwardly held in… and his regular breathing suddenly stopped.

“You threatened to break my ankle for responding slowly when called, and asked why I, not even your subordinate, was calling you Brigadier General… Um, and…”

“……”

“And… you once scolded me fiercely, saying that as a toy you’re only dealing with briefly, I shouldn’t harbor any feelings, whether it’s affection or pity…”

“…Lee Sehwa.”

“Yes, my name… you’ve never called me that before.”

At first, you said there would never come a day when 200 million would be stuffed in that h0le. These days, you don’t even mention bets or debts. Even Sehwa has forgotten to keep count.

Moreover, recently, while being intimate, you wait for me to respond, try to guide me to do so, and…. As if wanting to confirm it’s not s3x bought with money, you frequently try to kiss me. There were times when you held me tightly and tried to sleep without any sexual contact.

“You, who used to be like that, even made excuses that you didn’t know my constitution had changed. You even went as far as to tell me stories about your childhood… which you used to find unpleasant when I showed interest before…”

“……”

Sehwa took several deep breaths, then stood up, steadying his trembling knees. He awkwardly perched on the edge of the table. The close distance was almost a relief – he didn’t have to meet his eyes. He knew he would regret this no matter what answer he got from Ki Tae-jeong, but he wanted to do his best anyway.

Not for Ki Tae-jeong, but for himself.

She wanted to create an excuse for himself – that he had at least tried to show his true feelings, that despite living like a cowardly mouse his whole life, he had gathered this much courage. 

So Sehwa decided to take one more step forward, squeezing his eyes shut.

“And you keep acting like you absolutely don’t want anyone else to become my guardian…”

“…”

“It keeps making me misunderstand. That maybe you…”

“…”  

“That maybe… maybe you might not see me as just a h0le or a s3x toy anymore…”

The hesitation in his words carried a simmering, boiling heat—a yearning to transform into something, anything else. It was impossible to ignore the raw, restless intensity behind them.

Unable to hold back the surge of emotion, Sehwa let out a small gasp.

He could still vividly recall Ki Tae-jeong’s face when they kissed in the bunker, damaging his wrist, the sensation of twisting ligaments. Sehwa had resented Ki Tae-jeong’s insensitivity in thinking he could soothe his sadness by piling up expensive gifts like a tower, and when he said he would take full responsibility, he felt like he would burst with frustration.

That was certainly true, and yet…

Sehwa couldn’t simply dislike this man either.

If asked if he liked him, he would probably answer how could he have tender feelings for such a person. But if asked if he disliked him… he couldn’t readily answer that either.

Ki Tae-jeong was scary, but not scary.

He neither disliked nor liked him. 

No, he disliked him… but liked him.

Even he had trouble comprehending the contradictory feelings heating up his insides. Sehwa just blinked his wet eyelashes helplessly, then let out a small laugh.

In the 4-Hwan, it snows even in March. It’s bitterly cold enough to make your skin turn red, and heavy snow falls frequently like mid-winter. The morning streets are a deep gray, a mix of filth and melted snow. Add to that the weeds that bloom obliviously for a moment, and it’s even more of a sight. The muddy slush soaks people’s ankles and clothes. So customers burst through the doors of the House, cursing loudly.

There are springs like that in the world too. Not just beautiful seasons like in this glass greenhouse.

So maybe it’s okay for there to be messy, chaotic feelings like these, too.

“So what I want to say is, if you no longer think of me that way…”

“…”

“Then could you…”

“…”

“Call me by my name?”

Not “baby,” “Samwol,” “Sakura.” Or “toy,” “s3x toy,” “h0le.”

“Like how you call Lieutenant Park or Warrant Officer Choi… just normally, Lee Sehwa…”

Sehwa wasn’t hoping for any special meaning. He wasn’t even asking for an affectionate voice that would melt him. It would be enough if Ki Tae-jeong just called his name as casually as any other object. If he would just acknowledge that what stood before him wasn’t just a lump of flesh and blood, but a person existing in their own right.

“Before registering as my guardian… I want to start over with you from here…”

“…”

“Is this also me being… presumptuous? I guess… it is.”

And this was Sehwa’s limit. He wanted to finish decisively, but he couldn’t pretend to be brave any longer.

“…”

There was no response from Ki Tae-jeong, so Sehwa… bowed his head low and blinked his eyes rapidly. Now harsh words would pour down like a bombardment, so he needed to quickly shed the tears that kept welling up so inappropriately.

Because they were standing so close, the tears fell in round drops on his pants rather than the floor, but it wasn’t the first time he had cried in front of him… He had just managed to spout nonsense too. Sehwa wasn’t even embarrassed to show his crying face anymore.

But then…

“Lee Sehwa.”

Sehwa, who had been trying to hold back the tears that kept welling up, barely managed to collect himself, moving like a poorly oiled robot.

“Brigadier General… Did you just,”

“Lee Sehwa.”

“…”

“Like this?”

Ki Tae-jeong’s eyes were locked onto his, dissecting him as if to understand him completely. His gaze was deep—so deep that he couldn’t even guess when he had started looking at him like that. His voice, too, seemed drawn from somewhere far below.

“I asked if this is how I should call you.”

He had… called his name.

“…Or not. I’m not sure. I’ve never consciously called someone’s name before.”

“Ah, no… that’s right.”

Sehwa nodded, pressing the sleeve against his teary eyes.

“That’s right, like that…”

Such an ordinary way of address, without affection or mockery. He had wanted to be called that way by the person he gave his heart to. He had wished for it, wondering what it would feel like, until this day and time.

“Then now, since you’ve given me one…”

Sehwa, having gotten what he wished for without even realizing it, mumbled incoherently through his uneven breathing.

“Now it’s your turn to… hic… take something from me… like you always do…”

With his mind already in chaos and sobs keep breaking through, every word he uttered was a complete mess.

“I’m not going anywhere, so speak slowly. I can’t understand a word you’re saying.”

“It’s… sniff… this time, don’t tell me to open my mouth…”

There had been a few instances before when he had awkward conversations like this with Ki Tae-jeong. Not many, maybe two or three at most. Fortunately, when the conversation was wrapping up well, he always demanded a kiss as if in reward. More precisely, he ordered Sehwa to obediently open his mouth.

“Can’t you… ask me if it’s okay to kiss me this time? Like that…”

This time Sehwa had made a bigger negotiation than ever before, so it was obvious things would flow in that direction. He might even demand more than a kiss. So Sehwa decided to be a little more greedy. Since he wouldn’t be able to refuse anyway if he crossed the line here, in that case.

“Just for today, just today…”

If Ki Tae-jeong knew how much meaning a name held for him, couldn’t he be a little more generous just for today?

“I won’t beg again…”

“What do you mean you won’t beg again.”

Ki Tae-jeong snickered as if dumbfounded.

“You sure want a lot of things.”

Hmm. Sehwa tilted his head slightly with his chin all wrinkled from crying so much. What does this mean now? Is he scolding him to stop being so greedy, or saying he can beg for things he wants in the future too? Sehwa wasn’t sure.

“Um, Brigadier General…”

“Yes, Lee Sehwa.”

“…”

“Can I kiss you now?”

On a cold night when it snowed even though it was spring, in a shabby one-room lodging. Back then, Sehwa had asked him not to call him by name, and Ki Tae-jeong had ordered him to open his mouth instead of answering.

And now, in this luxurious solarium bathed in sunlight. Sehwa had asked if he could call his name normally, and instead of telling him to open his mouth, Ki Tae-jeong asked for permission to kiss him.

Ah. Sehwa finally raised his hands to cover his face. Amidst the tangle of muddy emotions, he barely managed to pull out a very thin thread of realization that he did seem to like this person after all. He cried out loud like a child.

Sehwa had dreamed of being loved by a kind person. He had hoped it would sparkle freshly like the scene unfolding before his eyes now. But… if this was the maximum amount of affection that a poor, uneducated 2 or 4-Hwan life could have. He wanted to grasp even that much.

“I don’t… hic… believe what you said… Telling me to believe that you said those things without knowing my body had changed…”

“…”

“But, even so, saying you wouldn’t have carelessly slept with me if you’d known my constitution changed, that it would be horrific if there was a child… I can’t say I don’t believe that either…”

It was exactly as Ki Tae-jeong had said before. Sehwa knew that liking someone like this would only ruin his life. Sehwa knew he was an idiot for being swayed by someone like this, but still… Because many things had changed since they first met, because now he called his name normally and tried to grant all his small requests…

“I called your name and asked if I could kiss you like you wanted, but you keep saying other things.”

The man stood up like a massive wave, his back to the pouring sunlight. The touch of his hand on Sehwa’s cheek was neither rough nor careful. It was just ordinary. The normal warmth he had longed and yearned for so much.

“You don’t even pretend to be scared anymore?”

“That’s not it…”

“Enough.”

“…”

“I understand everything…”

A shadow slowly fell over his wet face. The familiar scent of flesh that had just allowed him to breathe enveloped Sehwa’s body clumsily.

“So stop crying. Lee Sehwa.”

Like a blind person, Sehwa fumbled to place his hands on the man’s angular shoulders. Even though it hurt and was heartbreaking, it was a season he was experiencing for the first time in his life, so even a spring where the snow hadn’t melted felt nothing but wonderful.