M 101

“The baby’s heartbeat is too slow… and it’s not moving much.”

“…”

“If we do it in this situation… I mean, if you put it in, I absolutely won’t be able to endure it. Surely Saess- I mean, the child will be badly hurt.”

The hands he had politely placed on the sheet were constantly trembling. Sehwa didn’t seem to have shaken like this even when he first heard about being pregnant. Even while crying and suffering to the point of fainting, back then Lee Sehwa had looked straight into his eyes and demanded to know if he had done this knowingly.

But now he seemed to lack even the energy for that. Rather than simply being in poor physical condition, he looked as if he had completely lost the capacity to express emotions to anyone.

If he just raised his eyes a little, he would see that Ki Tae-jeong wasn’t angry… But Lee Sehwa kept his head bowed low, counting sins he hadn’t committed and repeatedly asking for forgiveness.

“If it’s hard to believe… should we write a contract?”

“A contract?” A laugh of disbelief escaped Ki Tae-jeong’s lips first. 

Even though Sehwa had shouldered a seemingly endless debt because of that damned contract, Lee Sehwa was eagerly proposing to make such an unfair deal. He clearly didn’t know what he was saying right now.

“As long as the baby is safe, I’ll do anything afterward. Use me as you please.”

Comfortably, freely use me, he said. Lee Sehwa spoke as if his body was merely a tool.

“And, ah, Brigadier General…!”

Ki Tae-jeong reached out and finally embraced Lee Sehwa. Then he slowly closed and opened his eyes several times. But the hot sensation clinging to the back of his eyeballs wouldn’t go away, so he glared at the ceiling for a long time. His head was throbbing, unable to think straight from lack of proper sleep, and now hearing unexpected things from Lee Sehwa.

Didn’t he say the fetus’s reactions had become slow? In contrast, Sehwa’s heart pressed against him was beating too fast. Almost dangerously so. His face, filled with fear, was as pale as if flour had been smeared on it, and there was no warmth to be found in the skin that touched his hands.

“I won’t do it.”

“…”

“I wasn’t trying to have sex, just…” Strangely, the inside of his throat stung, and Ki Tae-jeong could only continue speaking after swallowing several times, “I just wanted to hold you.”

However, Sehwa didn’t believe Ki Tae-jeong’s excuse that he had only wanted to hold his close and sleep like before. 

He just mumbled hesitantly, trailing off with “contract…”

When he brought him to the official residence, he had expected him to hate it, of course. But he never thought Sehwa would break down in this way. He might have expected him to struggle and tell him not to touch him, but to say he would even write a contract treating his body like a masturbation tool if only he would protect the child…

“…The day you drugged me, I mean when I went to the House to get you.”

Even after starting, Ki Tae-jeong kept struggling to find the right words to continue. He had never felt Lee Sehwa so distant and dangerous before. The sensation of him fitting perfectly in his arms was the same as ever. But now his expression, his voice, even his body temperature had changed.

“I was going to tell you everything that day.”

“…”

“All the excuses I’d been making to you until then, all of it.”

Sehwa made no response. He didn’t turn his back to him and lie down as he usually did when upset, but just silently remained in his embrace. He only repeated in a dazed voice, “Please write a contract.” As if the only thing he cared about was whether or not they were going to have sex right now.

“…Fine, I won’t do it.”

“Then… surely a contract-“

“After rolling around at the bottom because of that damned piece of paper all this time, you want to write another one like that?”

“But…” At his brusque rebuke, Sehwa shrank again, becoming small. His shoulders, stiffened and hunched, showed no signs of relaxing. “…Then shall I do it with my hands?”

A sigh that felt like it was boiling up from deep inside escaped him involuntarily at Sehwa’s voice, hesitantly asking after much deliberation.

Ki Tae-jeong pulled Sehwa’s gaunt nape as if snatching it, and buried his face in the crown of his head. Even though he could touch him like this, even though Lee Sehwa was clearly in his arms… No matter how hard he tried, this person he was greedily holding in his hands felt like sand slipping through his fingers.

***

Ki Tae-jeong seemed extremely busy. The problem was, despite this, he showed no intention of leaving the bedroom.

A small table and chair were placed in the room that had only contained a bed before. And that place became the man’s makeshift office. Not only Lieutenant Park, but also Warrant officer Choi, Lieutenant Na… even people whose faces he hadn’t yet become familiar with came to see him with tablets. Discussions mainly revolved around routine military matters such as the introduction of new weapons or training methods.

Sehwa slightly lowered the blanket covering his entire face to peek at the man’s movements. In the hologram that appeared, tiny dots were busily flying around. Sehwa thought he might be observing aircraft, since he was in the air force.

Glancing furtively, Sehwa gathered more courage and pulled the blanket down to just below his chest. He had been awake, rubbing his belly the whole time. Lieutenant Na had said it wasn’t good to keep lying in the same position, so he wanted to sit up for a while now. Besides, Ki Tae-jeong seemed busy and probably wouldn’t pay attention to him anyway…

“Are you feeling unwell?”

Though Sehwa thought he had moved quietly, Ki Tae-jeong’s sudden question startled him, making his shoulders jerk. He flinched so hard that the sound of the sheets rustling was loud.

“…”

Sehwa lowered his eyes in an awkward position, neither lying down nor sitting up. He expected to be scolded for his unseemly appearance, but Ki Tae-jeong didn’t say anything for quite some time.

After pondering, Sehwa carefully massaged his neck, which had been bowed for a long time, and glanced around. The man was focused on his tablet screen again. He sighed through his nose as if something displeased him, and ran his hand through his bangs before squeezing his eyes shut and opening them again.

He seems very busy. That’s a relief. Sehwa moved even more carefully than before. This time, Ki Tae-jeong didn’t acknowledge him and silently continued with his work.

Yesterday… nothing happened. Ki Tae-jeong said he hadn’t intended to force sex. Then he kept clearing his throat as if he had something to say, hesitating for a long time. His expression and voice, so unlike his usual self, were striking, and Sehwa calmed down belatedly, but he still didn’t let his guard down.

Sehwa really wished he would write up a contract or something…. He had coldly rebuked him for talking sense, so Sehwa couldn’t press the issue further.

Then he fell asleep, held in Ki Tae-jeong’s arms like that. Thankfully, the window was open so he wasn’t overwhelmed by the man’s scent, and he was able to get some real sleep around dawn. Contrary to Sehwa’s feelings, his unresisting body melted habitually into the man’s embrace.

“Brigadier General.”

Unlike before when he would freely come and go to give work reports, Warrant officer Choi asked from outside if he could enter. 

Sehwa, who had been trying not to pay attention to that side, tilted his head curiously, wondering what was going on.

“Ah, I’ll take it.”

After checking his wristwatch with a glance, Ki Tae-jeong opened the door and received something from Warrant officer Choi. It was… a small tray with a simple meal laid out.

“Eat.”

Holding the tray with one hand, Ki Tae-jeong nodded towards the chair on the opposite side.

“Ah… I…”

Sehwa became flustered. He had felt so self-conscious just changing his position a little, and now he wanted him to eat in front of Ki Tae-jeong? He had barely been able to swallow anything when Warrant officer Choi brought food yesterday…. Could he really endure the man’s steady gaze?

“Do you want to eat in bed?”

Thinking it might be uncomfortable, Ki Tae-jeong strode over. He pondered for a moment with an “Hmm,” then sat down heavily beside him. He folded his long legs and placed the tray on top of them.

The meal was similar to yesterday’s. Barely seasoned porridge, warm water… and something white and fluffy that he hadn’t seen before.

“Can’t be helped. All the foods you like are cold dishes.”

Perhaps mistaking his constant hesitation for pickiness about side dishes, Ki Tae-jeong gave a vague smile and handed him a spoon.

“…”

“You need to take your medicine.”

Sehwa, who had been hesitating, began to move his hand mechanically at those words, as if a button had been pressed. Right, he needed to take his medicine.

He managed to swallow a spoonful of porridge, thinking of his little Saessak. But his weakened body couldn’t keep up with his will, and even though he ate in several small portions, he already felt like his throat was completely blocked.

“Um… I don’t really feel like eating right now…”

“It’s already past time for your medicine.”

“I know, but…”

“Then eat even if you don’t want to. That’s how you and the baby will get better, right?”

He knew that better than anyone. He had intended to eat somehow for the sake of his little Saessak’s stability. But facing Ki Tae-jeong like this, he felt like he couldn’t swallow anything.

“Just a little later…”

Seemingly frustrated by his constant stalling, Ki Tae-jeong snatched the spoon and scooped up a heaping spoonful of porridge.

“You didn’t even eat half a bowl yesterday. And now you’ve barely eaten one spoonful before pushing it away.”

The spoon that had somehow come close tapped his dry lips. Reluctantly, Sehwa hesitated several times before finally opening his mouth.

He didn’t want to raise his voice against Ki Tae-jeong over eating a little food. He was also afraid he might change his mind and tell him to take off his clothes right away, or say something that wasn’t good for the baby.

“It should taste similar to pudding.” Pleased by his compliant attitude, there was a strange excitement in Tae-jeong’s voice as he explained the food he had brought. “They said to avoid cold foods like fruit for now. So make do with this for now.”

He tapped the small bowl with the tip of the spoon, making the warm, fluffy contents inside quiver. Sehwa wasn’t sure what it was, but a sweet scent of banana and custard cream wafted up.

“Finish at least half the porridge. Then I’ll let you have dessert.”

It looked pretty and smelled nice, but… he thought it would be hard to eat no matter what it was. Ki Tae-jeong seemed to misunderstand that he was staring at it because he wanted to eat it.

Ki Tae-jeong scooped up another big spoonful of porridge and held it out. His dark eyebrows, which had been set in a fierce expression all this time, had softened.

Sehwa took a deep breath as if about to dive underwater. His little Saessak was sick. He didn’t want to see the baby listless like yesterday. For that, he needed to take medicine as he said, and eat a little more food…

“Ugh!”

He needed to eat, but…

Sehwa pushed away Ki Tae-jeong’s hand and crawled across the bed. A sour, bitter taste tangled messily in his mouth. An unpleasant, stinging sensation of reflux rose up his esophagus.

In the end, he couldn’t even make it into the bathroom and threw up everything right at the entrance. The sound of his gasping breaths and occasional dry heaving echoed in the dry bedroom.

What expression did Ki Tae-jeong make as he watched the spoon roll onto the mattress and the tray get messed up from his pushing hand? What was his face like, his eyes, when he covered his mouth with an unsightly appearance?

“Hic.”

He knew he needed to clean all that up, but he didn’t have the strength to lift a finger. The hand that had been bracing against the door slid down, and Sehwa slumped to the floor. The back of his head stung from the gaze pouring down on him.

After a long silence, there was a rustling sound behind him. It seemed Ki Tae-jeong was cleaning up the dishes himself and stripping the soiled sheets. He also seemed to be giving instructions to Lieutenant Na.

‘I need to take… my medicine…’

“Sehwa, Lee Sehwa.” 

The tone calling his name was familiar, but he thought it couldn’t be Ki Tae-jeong. There was no way that man would call his name so worriedly. Sehwa closed his eyes, resting his head against the doorframe. He was disgusted by his own foolish expectations, imagining what he wanted to hear even in this state.