M 125

“The ocean…?”

“Yes, the ocean.”

No. Rather than refreshed, he looked… relieved and dejected at the same time. Ki Tae-jeong seemed like someone who felt unburdened because everything was over, yet also like someone who had let go of everything and no longer had any attachments.

“At this hour… why the ocean…?”

“There’s a beach that only 5-star people can go to. It’s bright and sunny there, so it’s fine.”

Ki Tae-jeong repeatedly emphasized that it was also safe because it was a place lavishly decorated with the nation’s money.

Why was he trying so hard to appeal the splendor and harmlessness of the place he wanted to go, so uncharacteristically? As Sehwa tilted his head in curiosity, he belatedly realized the reason.

The ocean at night…. A beat later, he recalled what had happened at the port in 2-Hwan. Sehwa snorted unconsciously, both embarrassed and dumbfounded by his own realization. Of course, it was such a small gesture that Ki Tae-jeong wouldn’t have noticed.

It was undoubtedly the most horrific memory of his life, but he wondered if he even had the right to feel pain over the past. Just today, he had heard talk about the baby, about Hae-rim being taken away by strangers. Even though people are said to be forgetful creatures, it was quite a feat to have become so hazy so quickly.

There were many excuses. So much had happened since then that his narrowed vision was barely able to process the immediate events rushing at him.

He had collapsed from shock and undergone major surgery. He temporarily lost his memory as an aftereffect, and when he fortunately came to his senses, he found he couldn’t speak. Although they said all his injuries had healed, he still couldn’t walk properly. He had somehow managed to regain his ability to speak, but his sentences were still terribly clumsy.

In the midst of all this, General Oh Seon-ran had adopted him. He, who had been a lowborn whose lifelong wish was to obtain a 1-Star resident card, was now said to be a 5-star resident. And Ki Tae-jeong kept trying to reconcile with him, saying they should try again.

Sehwa mumbled excuses to himself, not knowing to whom they were directed. New, overwhelming challenges kept piling up without pause, leaving no room to dwell on past misfortunes.

Still, feeling it wasn’t right to be okay already, Sehwa forcefully scraped at the scars of depression he had pushed far away. 

‘How dare you want to be okay already when you couldn’t even protect the child you gave birth to?’ 

He sternly rebuked his own desire to feel even a little better, his shameless subconscious struggling to live.

“Let’s go. You like the ocean, don’t you? Enough to name your child Hae-rim.”

“…”

“Remember the display we saw at the department store before? We’re going to that beach.”

Sehwa silently lowered his gaze. The beach they saw at the department store? That was such a distant memory that he had completely forgotten about it.

“…We promised to go see it together after the trial was over, remember?”

Seeing Sehwa’s face, unfamiliar with the warm moment, Ki Tae-jeong held his breath for a moment. Then, as if nothing had happened, he continued speaking gently.

He recalled what idle chat they had exchanged while looking at the realistic display installed on the escalator that day, what vacation plans they had made on the way back to the official residence, what you had been curious about then, and how brightly you had smiled while talking about it….

“I’ll tell you how the trial went on our way … Let’s go together.”

Ki Tae-jeong, who had been trying to persuade Sehwa step by step, eventually had to change his approach. Sweet memories of the past no longer held any meaning for him. In his sunken eyes, all broken and bent, the only emotion left at the bottom was solely for the child.

After blinking a few times, Sehwa finally stood up, staggering. Ki Tae-jeong wrapped a thick cardigan he had left on the sofa around Sehwa’s thin shoulders, and gently held his white fingertips that poked out from the loose sleeves of his patient gown.

Only after taking a few steps did Ki Tae-jeong suddenly recall something.

“Have we ever walked holding hands before?”

“…”

“Probably not.”

He had barely learned to walk side by side, matching his pace with the slow-walking Sehwa, but he had never walked leisurely holding hands like this. No, he had never even taken Sehwa anywhere nice in the first place.

He only let him out briefly when going to buy things like fruit scraps after keeping him locked up inside. Short walks in the parking lot right in front of the Zone 4 house or in the yard of the official residence. That was the extent of the outings allowed for Sehwa.

Most of the times he had grabbed Sehwa’s hand were when he couldn’t control his temper. When dragging him somewhere or holding him to scold. Or when he wanted to confirm if he was truly submitting to him while accepting his kisses…. He hadn’t offered his hand at any other times.

What’s the big deal? What’s so special about just holding hands…? Why didn’t he realize back then that even this much contact, just this warmth, could warm his heart?

Ki Tae-jeong stared blankly at Sehwa’s sleeve cuff tickling the back of his hand, then smiled bitterly. He had done many things wrong, and there were many things he hadn’t done because he didn’t know better…. Even now, unlike Sehwa, he was being selfish, thinking that if given another chance, he wanted to treat him better.

“This is bad.”

“Pardon?”

“It’s nothing, let’s go.”

Ki Tae-jeong checked his wristwatch as he led Sehwa. It was almost time for the appointment with General Oh Seon-ran. Having vowed never to appear before Sehwa and the child again after this, he wanted to imprint his face in his memory one more time until then.

Regret and lingering attachment that should no longer be shown kept piling up.

***

There are a few hidden routes in 5-Star’s port that only those in the know are aware of. This beach was one of them. Of course, even if someone knew the settings, the door wouldn’t open unless they scanned with equipment issued by the military… Anyway, the beach, accessible only to a select few among 5-Star citizens, was truly beautiful. Even Sehwa, who hadn’t shown interest in anything lately, was craning his neck out the car window in surprise.

Ki Tae-jeong parked the car haphazardly nearby and led Sehwa to the sandy beach.

Sehwa walked clumsily, like a child who had just learned to walk. Fascinated by the soft, creamy texture of the sand, he would take a step, look around, take another step, then slightly lift his foot to examine the sole of his shoe… He toddled around the sandy beach eagerly, like a newborn animal seeing the outside world for the first time.

Ah, he didn’t mean to smile. Seeing Sehwa’s bright demeanor after so long was so beautiful, it felt like feathers were tickling his heart. Ki Tae-jeong finally couldn’t hold back and burst into a big laugh.

Perhaps upset, Sehwa stopped abruptly and wiggled his toes with a blank expression. But soon, as if even that sensation pleased him, his face softened, and he went back to waddling around, leaving footprints here and there.

As they walked slowly without saying a word, the sun had already set before they knew it.

It was a strange thing. At the air force training base or the house where Sehwa had stayed, a red and black sunset would have fallen by this time. The twilight, spread like a rake, would devour buildings and alleys, and darkness would fall in an instant.

But the sunset here was simply beautiful. The drifting clouds looked like whipped cream stirred with a muddler, and the sky just after sunset was a mysterious color mixing pink and purple. It was a scenery reminiscent of the packaging box from a dessert shop he had once given to Sehwa.

Various lights, carefully arranged to allow uninterrupted enjoyment of leisure even after sunset, began to turn on sequentially. It seemed that even if it got darker, there would be no problem appreciating the scenery before them.

The color of the sea, as if the evening glow had been poured into it entirely, was beautiful… and on the other hand, laughable. Even the sun and clouds that anyone could see just by looking up were, in fact, not fair. There was a separate sky for those with wealth and power.

And Ki Tae-jeong had struggled all his life to stand at the pinnacle of that. At first, it was because he didn’t want to die, and after that… because he wanted to.

Since it had come to this, he had put his hands on everything, saying he would take all he could get. At some point, he could no longer blame just the military. Keeping the most precious person he would never have again in his life locked up, making him cry, not even holding his hand… It was no one’s fault but his own.

“The Kim family agreed to take full responsibility for the fire in 2-Hwan, and in exchange, Kim Seok-cheol will be stripped of his rank and come under my command.”

“…What does that mean…?”

“It means that even if they have to pour all their money into reconstructing 2-Hwan and compensating for damages, they don’t want to bear the burden of their son’s dishonorable discharge or confinement in a detention center.”

“…And they agreed to accept that? Colonel Kim?”

“Accept it? He liked it. Because no matter how I handle and kill that bastard Kim Seok-cheol, he’ll still have the honor of dying as a soldier.”

“But… Lieutenant Kim is his son, isn’t he?”

“It was probably harder for him to bear becoming a laughing stock in high society than losing his own son. In the long run, he probably calculated that while money can be earned again, the label of dishonor once attached can’t be removed.”

“…”

“It must have hurt his pride even more because there had never been a single disgraceful case of returning rank insignia in a family of that status. Though the flower-brained Lieutenant Kim Seok-cheol probably believed he would be reinstated somehow when he caused the accident.”

Sehwa stared blankly at Ki Tae-jeong, seemingly shocked. Well, he, who had been willing to throw himself away to protect a child still in an incubator not even full-term, would probably never understand this way of thinking of 5-Star people.

“Aren’t you hungry?”

Although he probably had no interest in meals, he still had something prepared in advance and walked a bit further with Sehwa. Past the cluster of palm trees, a huge cabana with a white canopy appeared.

“I’m not particularly hungry either, but they say this is what you do when you come to the beach.”

“…”

“I won’t force you to eat, so just think of it as setting the mood.”

The interior of the cabana was lined with plush rugs and even equipped with temperature control, making it more comfortable than expected. There were mini-bars, comfortable furniture, and all sorts of fascinating high-tech facilities, but what caught Sehwa’s eye was the campfire crackling at the D-shaped, concave entrance of the cabana.

Ki Tae-jeong pulled up a portable chair to seat Sehwa in front of the fire, and placed various foods on the grill. He hadn’t had high hopes due to the time constraint, but he was glad he could manage to put together a decent spread.

Marinated meat, shrimp skewers, and neatly prepared vegetables and fruits kept coming onto the grill. When he started grilling pineapple sprinkled with sugar and cinnamon powder, Sehwa, who had been looking skeptical as if he didn’t understand, opened his eyes wide after tasting it, seemingly intrigued by the unique sweet flavor enhanced by the spice. When handed a soft, melted marshmallow, he ate more than half of it while pretending to be uninterested.

Ki Tae-jeong traced Sehwa, who had sugar powder on his lips, with his eyes for a long time. It was strange. Even though his lips were set in a straight line, he could feel that he was smiling, and that he could be happy with just this… Well, he was always a person who found happiness in the smallest things.

But then Sehwa would bow his head deeply. Even when he showed some interest in what was shown and fed to him, he would often drop his head and quickly put on a gloomy face, as if he found himself pathetic for getting excited about such things.

Ki Tae-jeong wanted to kiss those sad and pretty eyebrows. He also wanted to stroke his thin face, telling him that none of this was his fault. But Lee Sehwa, who used to smile as if he had the whole world with just a single cherry, now tries to be strict with himself as if he doesn’t deserve to feel any joy.

While part of it was due to his experiences with him that had broken him, it seemed that the very fact that people could discuss taking his child away because of his background, regardless of what actually happened, made it impossible for Sehwa to smile.

Ki Tae-jeong stole glances at Sehwa’s profile as he warmed his hands by the fire, chewing his cheeks. He had tried not to look too much, knowing it would make him uncomfortable, but he couldn’t help but be captivated.

His bangs, which had grown a bit longer, fluttered in the wind, and the reflected light from the water sparkled on his round forehead and cheeks. It was already the beginning of autumn, so the evenings were quite chilly. Time passed so quickly that it felt like if he closed his eyes and opened them again, the season when he first met Sehwa would be right around the corner.

“Lee Sehwa.”

Feeling a tightness deep inside, Ki Tae-jeong abruptly stood up.

“I have… something to give you.”

He took a deep breath as he picked up the shopping bag placed discreetly at the entrance of the cabana. It felt like if he didn’t speak now, he would never be able to open his mouth.