M 135

Ki Tae-jeong mouthed the word ‘happy…’ silently. He looked extremely awkward, as if saying that word for the first time in his life.

“…Lee Sehwa, I…”

Tilting his head sideways and smiling bitterly, Ki Tae-jeong’s lips moved silently for a moment. He only faced Sehwa directly after one of the ventilation devices stopped working.

“When you come all the way here and ask me something like that…”

“…”

“I’m such a shameless bastard that I start to have a little bit of hope.”

It was an incredibly brazen thing to say, but strangely, they carried more solemnity than glibness. It seemed like he was determined to pour out everything now, thinking this might be his last chance, while also drawing a line, telling him not to give someone like him any more leeway.

“…Then how about you?”

“…”

“Have you… been well?”

Just then, the huge ceiling fan overhead started to rotate gently. The plain military shirt without decorations like epaulettes or medals, the white curtains around the bed, Ki Tae-jeong’s hair and deeply wavering eyes… Everything in Sehwa’s sight seemed to be subtly shaking.

Sehwa stared blankly at the scene, then closed his eyes tightly before opening them again.

“…Yes, ‘ve been doing well.”

“…”

“I ate well, and I’m exercising diligently…”

“…”

“There are still times when it’s a bit inconvenient because my memory isn’t fully intact, but I think I’m doing well enough considering.”

“…I see. That’s good.”

It was a simple response for someone who had started so grandly.

Originally, Ki Tae-jeong was good at fabricating words. Saying things like he should absolutely make him his guardian, or that he was his only weakness and exception… He was very skilled at expressions that intoxicated the listener while not fully revealing his true feelings. At least, that’s how Sehwa had felt at the time.

Ridiculously, he didn’t know how to apologize. Even a simple confession of having feelings for him was extremely difficult for him. Yet when it came to toying with people, he could easily say things like “Sehwa, I like you” without batting an eye. When sincere words were needed, he would only offer unnecessary excuses.

He was a wicked man who, far from confessing that he would take care of him or treat him well, clearly showed his feelings by ultimately not putting a platinum collar on him.

It was only after everything had been shattered beyond repair that he finally revealed his true feelings.

And even in that moment, Ki Tae-jeong didn’t crumble at all.

Unlike himself, who was already broken and scattering like ashes, the man remained steadfast even at the seaside. When handing over the parental rights waiver, when putting him in General Oh’s car, he maintained a calm face throughout. It was always he who shed tears so unsightly.

Even as he busily tried to live as General Oh had suggested, there were inevitable moments when Ki Tae-jeong would come to mind. Sometimes the face that had hurt him would flash by, chilling his spine, making him tremble in fear, or reminisce about the good times they had.

Of course, he had childishly imagined that it would be nice if he were more upset than him, if he had struggled more. But he hadn’t really expected Ki Tae-jeong to actually be scarred. Since he was a man who had never lost to anyone in his life, Sehwa assumed he would be fine soon. Just like the military personnel outside who wondered why anyone would worry about Ki Tae-jeong when he could recover quickly with just one recovery pill.

“And now, I…”

“…”

“Ahem, I don’t wear patches anymore. It turns out I don’t need to.”

“…What?”

Ki Tae-jeong’s tightly closed mouth opened slightly. Unable to pretend to be nonchalant about this, he completely removed the mask he had been wearing so well.

“What do you mean? You don’t need to wear patches?”

“I’m not sure of the exact cause, but they say it might be a side effect of that A7 drug or something… Anyway, my constitution has changed, they say.”

“Then, if you’re in pain…”

“I can just take medicine. Like normal people.”

“…”

“I can take vitamins too, and if I ever need surgery, I can receive anesthesia and normally…”

Before he could finish his sentence, Sehwa was pulled into a tight embrace that felt like it might crush his body, forcing him to swallow the last sentence about being able to have surgery normally.

“…Brigadier General.”

Surprised, the familiar title slipped out, and as if triggered by that call, the man who had suddenly embraced him began to tremble slightly.

“Just for a moment…”

“…”

“Just this once, stay like this for a moment…”

The place where Ki Tae-jeong had buried his face resonated. Sehwa neither pushed him away nor hugged him back. Just as he had endured his overwhelming presence each time before, this time too he simply stood still, silently waiting for this moment to end.

As the hands wrapped around his back and waist gradually loosened their grip, Sehwa swallowed hard once and then spoke, “There was a time when I thought… I’d be happy if I just got a new resident ID.”

“…”

“But now I’m not just a 1-Star resident, but a 5-Star resident… yet if you ask me if I’m happy, I… don’t really know.”

“…”

“What kind of person was I before, what was my personality like, when I felt this empty inside, what… mindset did I have, how did I endure and live… I can’t remember any of it.”

Ki Tae-jeong showed no reaction. No, it seemed like he thought he shouldn’t show any. He couldn’t properly embrace him, nor could he completely let him go, merely standing there with their bodies touching.

“I’m trying… but I don’t think I’m really getting better, probably… because of you, Brigadier General…”

“…”

“Because of you, Brigadier General… I’m too broken.”

“…”

“So, so…”

Sehwa’s mouth quivered, and he unknowingly reddened his eyes.

He had cried like a fool all the way from the beach to the hospital, but he had been bravely holding up well until now. He had been trying his best to be okay on his own. But pressed against his chest, the pounding of his heart resonating through his cheek suddenly made tears pour out.

“Keep saying you’re sorry to me.”

“…”

“My status has improved, I’ve got more money, and I even have a good adoptive father, so my fortune has turned… But the only person who can understand why I’m still struggling so much, why it hurts, what it means to me to be able to take medicine normally…”

“…”

“Ridiculously, that person is only you, Brigadier General…”

The only one who can understand his worn-out heart is the very person who made him cry so much.

And he’s the only one who can pity this man who was broken long before meeting him.

How should this relationship be explained…

“Until I’m okay, I’m going to keep resenting you by your side…”

Sehwa doesn’t feel confident about getting along well with Ki Tae-jeong like before. He doesn’t want to lie in the same bed wrapped in his arms, or chatter away trying to see his softened face.

But since being together is painful and being apart is also difficult… He thought it might be good to keep Ki Tae-jeong by his side until another answer emerges.

It seemed like a decision far from happiness. It felt like blocking off another exit he had just managed to find with his own hands. But because it was unfair and painful to suffer this contradiction alone, he wanted to hurt together with him like a water ghost.

Maybe then… a day might come when things are better than now.

After all, this blackened, dead place will forever be Ki Tae-jeong’s, so perhaps someday he’ll be able to say he’s not hurt even when looking at him…

“I’m not saying I want to go back to how things were before.”

“…”

“I might hate you, curse you, vent all my anger… and then say I’ve had enough, so please let me go. No, I definitely will. Because I…”

“Do that.”

Ki Tae-jeong rested his forehead on the hollow where his neck met his shoulder.

“You can do anything…”

“…”

“Just stay by my side. No, let me stay by your side.”

He nodded repeatedly for a long time, as if it was hard to bear. Over and over, until the skin reddened from the friction.

“Lee Sehwa.”

“…”

“…Sehwa.”

The words Ki Tae-jeong whispered next were too soft to hear properly. It was closer to a breath than language. But the movement of his lips pressed close to him was enough to tell what sentence it was…. Sehwa, who never dreamed he would hear those words he couldn’t even dare to imagine before in this way, finally hugged Ki Tae-jeong back while tears fell.

No, can this be called a hug? It was just a feeble gesture of grasping the end of his shirt, but thanks to Ki Tae-jeong holding him tightly as if to make up for his part, they ended up somewhat embraced.

It would have been nice if he were a flower like his name, but all he had were shabby thorns. And the same was true for Ki Tae-jeong.

Even while suffering from being pricked by sharp needles, they sometimes trembled with joy as they pushed their thorns into each other’s occasional gaps. It was painful yet ecstatic to have something entirely his own, even in his shabby state.

This wound cannot be healed by warm sunlight or beautiful flowers. He truly realized this only now, after having to step away from him because he couldn’t bear the pain. It seems the bleeding will stop and scabs will form only if he inserts this man’s thorns back into the empty space.

Sehwa, who had been stubbornly standing firm, decided to let go of the answer to this problem. Maybe he would never know. He might change his mind tomorrow and decide that it would be better not to see him.

But no matter how painful it is, when he’s interlocked with Ki Tae-jeong, only that damp and dark thicket of thorns can stop this prolonged oozing. That much, at least, he seemed to understand.