M 137

“Ah, I think I’ll be living near the hospital.”

“Near the hospital? Here?”

“Yes, um… General Oh Seon-ran is helping me… Oh, it’s not certain yet, but…”

Sehwa’s voice gradually became softer, trembling at the end. His chopstick movements became clumsy, and he started stuttering again. It seemed to be a topic that triggered his anxiety.

“Hmm.”

Ki Tae-jeong just nodded, making a short sound in his throat. There wasn’t much else he could do. He had behaved so stubbornly on this topic when they were at odds. How many times had he pretended not to understand when he said he didn’t want to live together, that they should stop… From Sehwa’s perspective, the question of where he would live might be uncomfortable.

The desire to take him to the official residence was still there. A peaceful scene of playing with the child? He is greeting him with a bright smile? He didn’t even hope for such things. He just wanted Sehwa to be there. If it was difficult and unpleasant for him to see him… then he wouldn’t mind just dropping by occasionally. He had plenty to do outside anyway.

Having just been granted permission to visit openly, living together… Even Ki Tae-jeong knew it was excessive greed. Even if Sehwa agreed, General Oh Seon-ran might oppose it. No, he would definitely oppose it.

Not begging to live together. Not embarrassing Sehwa with self-praise about how much he had improved by not saying everything he wanted to say… This was the extent of consideration for Sehwa that Ki Tae-jeong could think of at the moment.

He had to remember that he hadn’t been forgiven yet, that he was still in the process of seeking forgiveness. Even as he thought this rationally, he couldn’t help but feel impatient at times.

Especially when topics that reminded him of how he had hurt Sehwa, like this housing issue, came up, he felt an urge to make amends immediately.

He wanted to cover those memories with good ones quickly. He wished he wouldn’t recall their past and make such a lonely expression… He knew that even as new skin grows, scars don’t disappear. He told himself to wait patiently, but when faced with Sehwa’s numb expression, he wanted to plaster all the seemingly good things he had onto his tattered heart.

“So what are you going to do after you’re discharged?”

“…”

“You had a lot of things you wanted to do, right?”

Sensing Sehwa’s discomfort, he tried to change the subject. But this didn’t seem to be a much better topic either. Sehwa’s face clouded over even more as he vaguely answered, “Well…”

“Didn’t you say you wanted to go to school? Weren’t you planning to study?”

“That’s…”

Despite being only twenty-two years old even with the new year, Sehwa shook his head with eyes that looked as if he had lived through everything.

“For now, there are things I need to do… I don’t think it will work without me.”

‘What does that mean?’ Ki Tae-jeong narrowed his eyes at the vague statement, only realizing a moment later that the omitted subject was the child.

“I think I’ll be too busy with that to think about anything else…”

“…”

“School… I’m not sure about that either. I used to dream about it since I’d never been before… but now that I think about it, I’m not sure if I’d do well if I actually went…”

“Why are you saying that without even trying?”

At his gruff response, Sehwa let out a small laugh. He ate some of the soft steamed egg, laughing with an empty sound. As the warm food went down his throat, he seemed to feel more at ease, finally relaxing his tense shoulders.

“What should I do… I don’t know.”

“…”

“Isn’t it the same for you… Brigadier General? I mean, Major General?”

“What is?”

“I thought I could do anything… really anything, once it was all over.”

“For me, that meant becoming a resident inside the fortress, and for you, it was successfully completing the trial, right?” Sehwa murmured, tilting his head slightly.

The selfish Ki Tae-jeong pretended not to notice the emotion, the sadness, cast over Sehwa’s long eyelashes. Because if he delved deep into those feelings, he felt that the only option left would be for him to leave. Instead, he just placed some healthy side dishes onto Sehwa’s spoon, gruffly urging him to eat more.

“But now that it’s really all over, I just feel like… I’m barely breathing. Maybe it’s because things turned out so differently… So many things are different from what I initially expected…”

That was true. Things didn’t go as planned for either of them. Plan? Nothing went according to plan at all.

Then Sehwa swallowed hard several times. What he was really swallowing wasn’t saliva, but something that kept welling up inside him.

“… Brigadier General.”

“Yes?”

“Doesn’t this seem… strange? What we’re doing right now.”

“…”

“After all that crying and begging to be let go… to just easily accept like this…”

Sehwa, his nose now red, struggled to continue speaking.

“To easily accept the Brigadier General… “

“…”

“Sitting face to face, eating together… talking about what to do next, sometimes… very rarely…”

“…”

“I think there must be something wrong with me for feeling this way. It doesn’t make sense. Of all people… for me to… with the Brigadier General…”

How could this be, without going insane? How could this be, without something being fundamentally wrong?

This wasn’t an accusation meant for him to hear. In his still young and tender voice, Sehwa was once again berating himself.

There was no grand metaphor, no smooth explanation accompanying it. But Ki Tae-jeong could perfectly read the sorrow Sehwa held in that clumsy lament.

He cherishes him dearly. Though not in an ordinary or pretty form, he undoubtedly loves him. How to explain being more familiar with the other’s despair and depression than their joy and happiness? Knowing that he is the one who reduced him to this state, yet being unable to let go of these feelings – can such a thing even be wrapped up as “love”?

Ki Tae-jeong stared intently at the face of the person he loved, a face that seemed like it might wear away at any moment. Sehwa, who used to often shed pearly teardrops in front of him, had at some point forgotten how to cry and now just remained thoroughly soaked in moisture.

“Then let’s do this.”

“…”

“Let’s make a bet, you and me, for 3 points.”

At this sudden proposal, Sehwa looked up at Ki Tae-jeong with round eyes.

“Try to find three reasons to sit across from me and eat together from now on. Despite everything, why I might still be keeping an eye on that bastard.”

“…”

“It would be even better if you could think of reasons to forgive me while you’re at it.”

As he brazenly added this, Sehwa let out a “hah” of disbelief.

“Counting 1 point per reason, if you get all 3 points, I’ll grant you one wish. Whatever it may be.”

“…You expect me to believe that?”

“It’s true. I granted it last time, didn’t I?”

Ki Tae-jeong tore off some tender braised ribs and placed them on top of Sehwa’s rice.

“If after a long time you feel like you can’t find an answer, then just tell me you’re done and want to really stop.”

“…”

“Say you’ve finally sorted out your feelings, that you think this round is completely over, and then throw me away.”

At the word “throw away,” perhaps recalling a past conversation, Sehwa slightly furrowed his brow. He seemed a bit embarrassed somehow.

“…Then what about you, Brig- I mean, Major General?”

“Me? I’ll just keep waiting. Until you forgive me.”

“What kind of bet is that…?”

“Well, when have we ever made a sensible bet?”

As he playfully retorted, Sehwa’s lips tightened. Seemingly bewildered by Ki Tae-jeong’s nonchalant attitude, he briefly twitched his mouth before picking up his utensils again as if to drop the subject.

“So just act comfortably.”

“…”

“Get angry if you want to be angry, cry if you want to cry, argue if you want to argue.”

Ki Tae-jeong absently stared at Sehwa’s thin wrist exposed by his rolled-up sleeve. It’s fortunate that it no longer looks like it might break if touched, he thought suddenly… and without realizing it, he blurted out, “No one ever taught me what to do when the final chapter comes.”

Caught off guard by this sudden statement, Sehwa, who had been rolling his eyes and chewing grains of rice, belatedly realized that Ki Tae-jeong was answering his earlier question.

“I think we had a similar conversation before, but while I hoped for an end, I don’t think I ever seriously considered what would come after. There were too many immediate, heavy tasks to handle.”

“…”

“But now, I’m thinking… well… if we’ve reached the end, shouldn’t we just close that book? Instead of forcibly, needlessly adding more to a story that’s already finished, with no space left…”

“…”

“If the last page has come, shouldn’t we just close it and open a new book?”

“…”

“I’m trying, but in the end, I’ll probably remain unchanged, so feel free to resent me as much as you want. Get frustrated, asking how a person can not change…. Then, if you suddenly become curious about a different world, if you want to open a different book, that’s you open it. There will be new stories written there… and somehow things will work out. If there’s nothing, you can just start filling it in again.”

Sehwa, who had been keeping his head down, shifted his gaze back and forth. His face showed a mix of emotions: wanting to pretend not to know and push all responsibility onto the scoundrel before him, being tired of himself for having such thoughts, and feeling sorrowful about when this exhausting loop would ever end. Though it pained him, Ki Tae-jeong also had to get used to Sehwa’s pain and depression.

“And you’re not having it easy at all. After going through all that chaos, you’re still trying to move forward. Why do you keep saying it’s easy when you’re doing something so difficult?”

Ki Tae-jeong pushed all the precious and good dishes in front of Sehwa. As he did so, he spoke matter-of-factly, “If something pisses you off, just curse at me. Don’t hate the person I love for no reason.”

“…”

“Why do you keep digging yourself deeper when you haven’t done anything wrong?”

For a moment, there was no response from Sehwa. He just bit his lower lip so hard it looked painful and stared intently at the edge of the table. The only sound in the protective room’s kitchen was Ki Tae-jeong’s chopsticks moving busily as he prepared side dishes for Sehwa to eat.

The silence was broken much later, around the time the steamed egg had cooled to the consistency of a cold pudding.

“…It’s because of you, Brigadier General.”

His voice, trying hard to seem nonchalant, was taut with tension. Sehwa, pretending to be bold, was like a small bird. A pitiful young creature tottering about, trying somehow to fly with broken wings and an injured ankle. He was the very essence of the good and lovable Lee Sehwa, who was utterly impossible not to fall for.

“Yes, it’s because of me.” Ki Tae-jeong nodded readily. “So don’t think bad thoughts and smile.”

At his added words “Don’t cry.” 

Sehwa muttered in a sulky voice, “Didn’t you just say to cry if I wanted to?”

His bowed head was round like a chestnut. Ki Tae-jeong resisted the urge to pat it, silently cheering on Sehwa’s own courage. How much must he have struggled inside, how much effort must he have made, for someone who had been at a loss for words to be able to speak like this, to be capable of casual conversation with him of all people?

Ki Tae-jeong firmly suppressed his own thoughts that kept trying to veer in a sentimental direction. He hadn’t been granted permission for any emotions towards Sehwa yet, so he couldn’t arbitrarily harbor things like sympathy or pity. Quietly listening to his complaints whenever Sehwa was in pain like this would be his job from now on.

What words would be written in the new book Sehwa would open? Would there ever come a day when his story would be written in it too? Though nothing could be guaranteed, it didn’t matter. Nothing was important now except that Sehwa had started to walk little by little, that he was thinking about life rather than death. As he had once confessed to Sehwa, he was Ki Tae-jeong’s exception, his only weakness that he could never overcome by any means.

***

“You’re coming and going without even being mindful now, I see.”

Just as he was leaving the protective room to return to the Air Force headquarters, Ki Tae-jeong ran into General Oh Seon-ran, who had come to see Sehwa, in the corridor. He clicked his tongue slightly as if displeased, but that was all. He had grumbled once that if Sehwa had allowed it, who was he to say anything, but that was only once.

“General.”

General Oh Seon-ran, who was about to pass by without even returning Ki Tae-jeong’s salute, stopped with a sullen expression.

“There’s something I’d like to ask. Why did you call for me then?”

“Then?”

“After taking the child out of the incubator… when reinforcing the security personnel.”

He could understand his contacting him, but it was still puzzling that there was no particular objection even when his adjutants brought up nonsensical talk of disguises.

General Oh Seon-ran had clearly said while cleaning up the mess that even he hadn’t expected Colonel Kim to pull such a crazy stunt. If that was the case, then he hadn’t allowed his visit to use him as a shield either…. For what reason, then? he was someone so horrible to Sehwa that he had even struck him out of frustration.

“…I made a promise long ago, to the person who gave birth to Sehwa.”