M 140

“Hae-rim.”

Sehwa approached quickly and looked at the baby.

“Why are you crying, our good baby?”

Sehwa first checked the diaper condition, and after confirming there was nothing wrong, he picked up the child. His movements supporting the neck and bottom showed incomparable skill compared to his.

“Our Hae-rim-i.”

The way he elongated the end of “Hae-rim-i” somehow sounded like a song. It was a tone and voice he had never heard before. So this is how he talks when alone with the child. He really sounds like a mom. It seems different from when he used to whisper to his belly… As Ki Tae-jeong was inwardly marveling, he belatedly realized this wasn’t the time for such thoughts.

“The sitter went to get a milk bottle.”

He quickly shook his watch to open the hologram window.

“The radio seems to be broken, so they said they’d have to go in person.”

“Ah… right. They said if we don’t notify what items are needed in advance, even the person in charge can’t approach the protected room carelessly.”

“Oh, so that’s why they went.”

Though his voice explaining was calm, Ki Tae-jeong was actually very flustered. The timing couldn’t have been worse. It might look like he approached the baby as soon as Sehwa left. Him panicking and the baby crying loudly. Anyone would think he made the baby cry.

“You can relax. A few guards are following, and the communication status seems fine.”

As he was pointing at the floating map, preparing to assert his innocence, Sehwa didn’t seem very interested in the sitter’s absence. He didn’t even question why he had barged into the bedroom. He just responded casually with a “Is that so?” Instead,

“Thank you.”

He even thanked Ki Tae-jeong for watching the child.

“You must have been surprised when he suddenly cried…”

Ki Tae-jeong blinked slowly. He had been inwardly prepared for his to draw a line, telling him not to come anymore, but Sehwa didn’t reproach him at all. He even turned sideways to show him the child clinging to his shoulder and whimpering.

“Hae-rim usually doesn’t cry much… Eats well and sleeps well too.”

Sehwa said nonchalantly that the baby must have been in a bit of a bad mood today.

“He’s crying this hard though?”

“Oh, this isn’t crying hard at all.”

“…Really?”

Crystal-like teardrops were falling on the baby’s cheeks, which looked like rice cakes stuck together. He looked so upset and pitiful, but this wasn’t much? Then how bad would it be when the baby was really sick or in pain?

“Um… Brigadier General.”

“Yeah?”

“Would you like to hold the baby?”

Ki Tae-jeong, who had habitually responded with “Yeah,” belatedly realized what Sehwa had said and reacted sluggishly like a broken robot with a “…Huh?”

“Weren’t you about to take off your jacket to hold Hae-rim?”

Ki Tae-jeong only then remembered his disheveled appearance. It could have been mistaken for being in the middle of undressing. Glancing down, he saw he had buttoned his jacket wrong from the middle, and the epaulettes and medal tassels were precariously tangled.

“…Well, but he’s still crying.”

He didn’t want to refuse. While taking off his jacket, not wanting to miss Sehwa’s gesture of goodwill, Ki Tae-jeong was a bit worried. If the baby cried even harder when he held him again, if he really started crying severely this time… that would be trouble.

“It’s natural for babies to cry.”

Sehwa patted the hiccupping child’s bottom and then pushed the warm little body into Ki Tae-jeong’s arms.

“Ah, wait…!”

“Oh, you hold the baby like that?”

Sehwa was surprised when he adjusted his posture to hold the child with one arm, cradling it like before.

“My arms get tired holding that way for long.”

“…Really? He’s light though.”

The baby stopped crying for a moment, seemingly puzzled by the higher view. Even knowing that such specific thinking was impossible for the baby, Ki Tae-jeong had been attributing all sorts of meanings to the baby’s actions.

“Ah, why are you trying to eat this?”

As he adjusted his position, the ribbon tie of the hat touched the baby’s mouth, and despite having no teeth, it firmly grabbed the string and started sucking on it. Surprised, he removed it from the baby’s mouth, and though it seemed disappointed, smacking its lips, the child kept smiling happily.

Is this why they compare newborns to puppies? Trying to eat anything that touches their mouth. And getting used to human touch… Still, why chew on a piece of cloth? What if an accident happens? Ki Tae-jeong could recite dozens of cases where such a thin, flimsy string could choke someone.

“You… don’t dislike it, do you?”

As he was staring intently at the baby’s face, still marveling at it, Sehwa muttered softly, as if surprised.

“Who, the baby?”

“Yes.”

“Me?”

“Yes.”

After hesitating for a long time, fiddling with the already neatly tied ribbon knot, Sehwa finally looked up as if having made a decision.

“There were things you said before… Ah, not what you said at the port.”

Ki Tae-jeong coughed loudly as if choking. He hadn’t expected him to bring up what happened in 2-Hwan so casually.

“You once said what good would it do for people like us to have children, that their fate would be obvious.”

“…That was,”

“You didn’t even ask about Hae-rim… Someone with your personality would have found Hae-rim long ago if you were interested, but since you didn’t make any requests, I thought you must dislike babies. Of course, I didn’t intend to show you at first either…”

“No, that’s not it.”

‘What nonsense is he talking about?’ His urgent denial caused his body to shake slightly, and the baby, thinking he was being played with, excitedly kicked his feet. Due to being tightly wrapped, the range of motion wasn’t large, so it was debatable whether it could be called kicking… It was truly an insignificant wriggle.

“I told you. You’re my only exception.”

“…”

“Why would I dislike a child born from you? It’s just that I…”

As Ki Tae-jeong was preparing to pour out his feelings, he suddenly realized the situation had changed slightly from before and let out a gentle laugh. So there wasn’t a serious reason for hiding the child. It was just a misunderstanding created because they didn’t talk to each other. Not wanting their relationship to deteriorate further, and not wanting to hurt each other, they had each resigned themselves appropriately.

“I thought you would dislike it too. It’s natural for you to dislike it, after I said such… things to the baby in your womb.”

“…”

“And as you said, it’s because of my terrible personality. I’m waiting for you to accept me regardless of the child.”

“What… do you mean by that?”

“You’re kind.”

Sehwa furrowed his brow slightly, pulling his chin back at his seemingly baseless words. He looked exactly like the baby who had been scrunching its face while crying earlier. Ki Tae-jeong ended up laughing loudly. He had been trying to hold back his laughter, but he couldn’t anymore. No, he didn’t want to hold back anymore.

“I thought if I kept lingering by your side like this, if I showed that I liked the baby… you would have no choice but to accept me.”

“…”

“But I don’t want to be with you that way, inevitably or by chance. It’s true that I don’t dislike the child. But I’ve never thought about using the excuse of wanting a family to hold onto you.”

Because he’s not kindhearted like him. Only those with a chance of redemption can turn over a new leaf. He doesn’t think he can do it because he’s still too greedy.

“You don’t have to show me the child. Regardless of that, when you’re truly okay with it, accept me back then.”

Sehwa raised an eyebrow at his words, indicating he was only thinking of him, without allowing for any variables. He seemed to want to respond to Ki Tae-jeong’s overflowing selfishness but hesitated for a long time, just moving his lips, unable to find the right words.

Ki Tae-jeong looked at the vitality that had returned to Sehwa’s once desolate white face with a fresh feeling. They say that the movements of a newborn baby are called “newborn movements.” He doesn’t understand why Lee Sehwa, at twenty-two years old, is still acting like a baby. The way he smacked his lips and twitched his eyebrows, as innocent and young as the child, made his heart ache.

“Really, Brigadier General… how can you be so greedy?”

“That’s how I got to this position.”

Although he responded casually, he was actually very nervous.

“I’m trying in my own way too. I want to show you that I’ve changed, but I’m also not trying to change too much so that you can freely hate me.”

“…You’re lying.”

“It’s true.”

The baby in his arms made a sound as if providing a beat. For some unknown reason, the excited baby was eagerly mumbling with its beak-like mouth.

“By the way, why did you go for the examination?”

“Ah, I told you my constitution was changing, remember? But it seems I can still have children. Though it’s not certain.”

“…Ah.”

Sehwa glanced down at his stomach, saying there wasn’t any problem because of that reason.

Ki Tae-jeong repeatedly clenched and unclenched his fist with the hand not holding the baby, then carefully extended it towards Sehwa. He curved his index finger like a hook and tapped near his stomach, causing Sehwa to flinch his shoulders.

…That was all. He didn’t shake off Ki Tae-jeong’s hand in disgust or slap it away harshly. Like a young animal dropped in an unfamiliar place, he just stared at the large hand gently stroking his stomach, even conserving his breath.

“…It must have been, very painful.”

“…”

“I’m sorry.”

While Sehwa fumbled for an appropriate response, the baby joyfully kicked its feet as if to answer in his place. The mood, which had almost sunk, was instantly revived by one tiny kick.

“…I hoped he would grow tall like a tree.”

Sehwa, smiling awkwardly as if embarrassed, brought a towel and gently patted the child’s mouth. The white hand that once had gauze wrapped around it to identify drugs now held a soft gauze towel smelling of formula milk.

Sehwa’s eyes, pushed by various turbulences, had deepened from before, sometimes becoming dim, but ultimately shone brightly. Like the gleam on water’s surface even on a dark night, they constantly exerted effort to sparkle.

Once again, Ki Tae-jeong could breathe thanks to Sehwa who approached him first. He became human. It’s always Lee Sehwa who reaches out at crucial moments. It was thanks to Sehwa’s courage that he allowed him to stay by his side, and that he hesitantly offered to let him hold the child even while suspecting he might dislike it.

“I wanted him to become a big, strong tree that would fill the forest. It also matched the prenatal name ‘saessak’ (sprout)…”

Sehwa cleared his throat, hiding the damp towel behind his back.

“And at that time, I loved the sea so much… I felt like everything would be solved if I went out to sea…”

“…”

“So I named the baby Hae-rim. Looking at the book General Oh Seon-ran gave me, I found characters that matched the meaning…”

So, Sehwa took a deep breath.

“Please call the baby Hae-rim.”

“…”

“Don’t say ‘child’ or ‘baby’… because there’s a name, Hae-rim…”

The afternoon sunlight that squeezed through the window slowly traced Sehwa’s shoulders, crown, and then the opposite shoulder. The weather was so nice that you could see the clouds’ trajectories scattered on the marble floor.

Ki Tae-jeong, lost in the impossibly peaceful scene, recalled Sehwa whispering softly to the child on the bed sometime ago.

The voice that said it wanted to see dolphins. The fan-shaped beige light. The night when he couldn’t take his eyes off Sehwa’s face visible through the narrow gap, caught in an indescribable sentiment.

It probably started from that time. Even while forcibly keeping Sehwa by his side, he began dreaming alone. Wanting to somehow insert himself into that warm fantasy but not knowing how, unable to say even one word of apology, he had taken a long detour.

“…Sehwa.”

“Why are you calling me?”

Sehwa urged with a voice full of laughter. Since he was already holding the baby, he told him to look at Hae-rim’s face and call the name once.

Ki Tae-jeong, after repeatedly swallowing something that kept rising in his throat, finally opened his mouth.

“…Lee Hae-rim.”