M 143

Side Story 1: Eternal Snow 2

– As we can see, glacial ice, also called ice crystals or glacial ice, is formed beneath thickly accumulated eternal snow. However, snow doesn’t transform into ice crystals simply because there’s a large accumulation. Even glaciers that stand majestically above the sea have their origins in eternal snow, but it takes an immeasurably long time to take the form of ice mountains as we see them now. Snow and ice accumulated over long periods through endless repetition of regeneration and extinction. Looking at the solid crystals and individual particles that give us confidence they will never melt, we naturally come to understand why humanity has long compared eternal snow to eternity.

Ice mountains floating gently on the sea filled the TV screen. Sehwa, who had been staring blankly at the panel, lightly tapped his cheeks to snap out of it.

“Chicks go peep peep, sparrows go chirp chirp.”

Humming a children’s song that Hae-rim particularly liked these days, he cut the freshly baked bread into thick slices. He had only recently learned that it was delicious to tear off and eat thick chunks of bread whole without bothering to slice it thin. According to a cooking researcher’s video, it was also fine to spread a little butter and toast it more golden, and with vanilla ice cream on the side, even bread could be an excellent dessert.

He suddenly felt excited thinking that there were hundreds, thousands of flavors he didn’t know. Having so many unknowns meant there were that many things he could learn in the future. Though he had spent today leisurely, he resolved to be more diligent starting tomorrow.

He was still reluctant to leave only the sitter and Haerim and go out for a long time, but once he got used to it, he planned to go to school and get a baking and pastry certification. If circumstances allowed, he wanted to try part-time work too. By the time the child was old enough for kindergarten, opening a small bakery based on his accumulated experience was Sehwa’s new goal.

Ki Tae-jeong would obviously disapprove, saying it was sufficient as a hobby, but Sehwa really wanted to try it if he could. A modest shop on 1 or 2-Star somewhere, sized for anyone to drop by casually, without special features or flashiness, that would be enough.

What would it feel like to serve customers warm, fragrant bread instead of hwatu cards or drugs? He was curious about daily life where there would be no malicious rumors about gaining regular customers through prostitution, no getting slapped or kicked at every turn, and where people would greet each other with “How are you?” when their eyes met.

Though it was a dream he had never shared with anyone, a dream he kept to himself, just imagining it made him endlessly excited. It was precious simply because it was the first dream he’d had aside from escaping the House, regardless of how feasible it was.

“I’d really have to work hard for that. Right?”

Brushing off bread crumbs stuck to the knife, Sehwa muttered energetically. Then he scratched his cheek, belatedly realizing he had done something a bit embarrassing. Taking care of the baby had noticeably increased his talking to himself. And not just muttering, but with exaggerated theatrical intonation. It was a habit he’d developed after hearing that since Hae-rim was at an age to start responding to external stimuli, stimulating curiosity this way was good.

Even while cringing at the unnecessary embarrassment, he thought there was nothing wrong with doing something good for the child. They say even hedgehogs find their own babies adorable, and that’s exactly how he was acting these days. And Ki Tae-jeong would tease them, saying it was a child doting on another child as he watched him and Hae-rim. Though he found it absurd that Ki Tae-jeong treated a twenty-two-year-old grown man like a baby, thinking that he regarded him as adorable as he did Hae-rim made him feel strange. Lately, he often felt this way when with Ki Tae-jeong. A thick, rich sweetness, as if sugar water would drip from his mouth if he could bite the air around them.

The hedgehog Major General with a terrifying fighter squadron under his command. At this sudden silly thought, Sehwa stopped organizing the counter and chuckled.

Though his way of speaking was still blunt and his logic was mostly strange when he listened to it, Ki Tae-jeong was quietly staying by his side anyway. He was holding onto him, who kept floundering and falling, with all his might. Watching him stand firm as if this was naturally his duty to fulfill, Sehwa sometimes felt like none of this was real.

Obtaining his only comfort from the person who had inflicted irreversible wounds.

Though this irrational situation and these emotions sometimes overwhelmed Sehwa, he still tried to accept even that since it was his choice. He hadn’t decided to stay by his side forcibly, helplessly, or resignedly.

‘What are you doing here?’

‘…’

‘Hae-rim is looking at you curiously.’

‘…Ah, did Hae-rim wake up?’

Sehwa roughly wiped his soaked face and unsteadily got up from his spot.

Though it was less frequent now, right after moving to the new house, there were often days when his mood would sink for no particular reason.

He would collapse completely without any warning signs, to the extent that he couldn’t even guess what triggered the depression. Later, he couldn’t understand himself for struggling like this, and just trying to figure out the cause made him sick of it.

I’m probably the luckiest person among all the residents outside the Stars district. I’ve gained things beyond my means, so all that’s left is to be happy. But why do I keep feeling down? Shouldn’t I not feel depressed? It’s all over now. The Brigadier General, no, the Major General said so too. When the final chapter comes, just close it and open a new book.

Frustrated with himself for wavering even while doing well, that day he gave up on baking and everything else, shut himself in the bedroom, and just cried. I didn’t used to cry so easily. I used to swear so well that I got beaten for being rude. And even after that, I would get up the next day and work hard to collect money and sell drugs. Now I can’t even explain my condition, I just stammer and cry.

Though his emotions didn’t fluctuate as much as when he was pregnant with Hae-rim, once he started digging himself into a hole, he would burrow incomparably deeper than before. If only his memory wasn’t intact like before, if he was in a state where he stammered and couldn’t walk properly, he could accept it, but it wasn’t quite that severe either.

Now I have a decent life, so why on earth. Ki Tae-jeong was treating him well in his own way, and General Oh Seon-ran did the same without saying. The scale of assets the two had brought forward for him was immeasurable, and next to his name was clearly stamped the mark of a 5-Star resident. Hae-rim was healthy without minor illnesses, and thanks to the housekeeper and rotating sitters, he doesn’t really have anything to do. He even has a dream he wants to pursue when he gets better.

But why.

Why, still, am I.

‘…Major General.’

‘Yeah.’

‘You said that once you’ve read to the final chapter, you just close it and open a new book…’

‘I did say that.’

‘But… what if I’m scared to open the new book?’

At the question of what to do if he absolutely couldn’t turn the page, Ki Tae-jeong was silent for a moment.

‘Why are you scared?’

‘Well, the new book might not be mine…’

What should I do when even touching the shiny new cover feels like a sin? If I don’t even have the courage to turn the pages, if I feel like I don’t deserve to have this beautiful thing, if I ruin this good thing because of my clumsiness… what should I do then?

‘I’m sorry, I said something strange…’

Sehwa brushed away teardrops that fell before he could wipe them.

There must surely be people who would endure having what he experienced in the past repeated several times over if only they could obtain such an abundant and peaceful daily life. Though Sehwa understands well in his head that he is blessed with good fortune, sometimes his heart aches and collapses like this.

Like mountain peaks covered with eternal snow even in midsummer.

While onlookers admire it as a beautiful and mysterious landscape, he keeps curling up his body because the ice in his heart that shows no signs of ever melting is painful and cold. Just when he thinks it should be okay by now, as if mocking his carelessness, a corner of his frozen heart asserts its presence.

‘…That’s normal.’

After sending the sitter away, Ki Tae-jeong spoke calmly while watching Sehwa wallowing alone near the bed where Hae-rim was sleeping.

‘That’s how it normally is. Even soldiers who have been discharged from the military suffer for life, so how long has it been since you were discharged? You can’t be okay already.”

‘That’s, that’s true, but…’

‘Did you forget everything that happened to you?’

All the harsh words you heard from me, everything you went through because of your involvement with me. Ki Tae-jeong asked if he had really forgotten it all. Sehwa hesitated for a long while, then slowly shook his head. Though he had gotten better, he hadn’t completely forgotten. Though he felt sorry for showing this reaction after walking with him and getting along well until yesterday, he was acting this way because he didn’t know how to treat it as if it never happened.