M 151

Before long, the sun began to set and streetlights started turning on one by one, while the picturesque scenery of 5-stars flowed past the car window. And beneath it sat a man with a face more wondrous than any landscape in the world. Normally, Sehwa would have stolen glances at him in admiration, but now just his presence alone made the insides of his eyelids ache. It was laughable that he had worried about having sex with Ki Tae-jeong on the way here, and that he had decided to act petulant toward him on the way back… it was all so ridiculous.

“Does it hurt here?”

After a long silence, Ki Tae-jeong clicked his tongue and gently grasped Sehwa’s wrist. His paper thin body turned toward him easily.

“Does it feel sprained, or like you might have stretched a ligament?”

Sehwa silently shook his head. If he spoke now, he felt like he would pathetically burst into tears.

“It doesn’t seem badly injured.”

Ki Tae-jeong murmured in a softened tone, stroking the red handprint that still marked his skin from another person’s grip. Sehwa awkwardly pulled his hand back. Even that small gesture felt overwhelming as tears welled up instantly in his eyes, which he pressed down with his forearm. He didn’t want to show himself crying, but sitting right next to him, there was no way to hide it.

With his head down, he couldn’t read Ki Tae-jeong’s expression, but he could feel him glancing at him repeatedly. He could sense him opening and closing his mouth several times, as if looking for the right moment to speak. Even knowing all this, Sehwa stubbornly turned away from Ki Tae-jeong. The tears were just an excuse, perhaps he wanted to protest against him because of the sudden sadness that had filled his heart.

The car carrying the two of them glided over the streets like a submarine. While the autonomous driving program kindly calculated the remaining distance and time, Sehwa kept his head down the entire way.

“There’s a small snack bar not far from here. I’ve often seen people passing by carrying bags from that place.”

When the car came to a neat stop at the spot where it had originally been parked, Ki Tae-jeong spoke.

“Let’s leave the car here and go have a simple dinner there.”

“…”

“Or you can go upstairs. I’ll—”

“No.”

Sehwa barely managed to move his lips. His throat felt scratchy, as if he had swallowed sand.

“I think I’ll just… eat the bread I made earlier…”

“…”

“…I’m sorry about today. I… acted so pathetically…”

“…”

“…Please get home safely.”

Sehwa barely managed to give a greeting, pulling his chin down just slightly. If he nodded normally as he usually did, he felt like tears would stream down his face.

“Lee Sehwa.”

Ki Tae-jeong gently grasped the shoulder of Sehwa, who had turned to open the car door. His voice was so hoarse it was barely audible.

“Since you won’t eat with me, order something substantial for delivery instead of bread. I’ll just watch you eat your meal and take your medicine, then leave right away.”

He should have answered that he was fine, that they could talk later, that he’d be okay if left alone. But it was difficult to open his mouth. Without realizing it, his cheeks were already soaked. His lips trembled as he struggled to swallow his tears.

When he slowly shook his head, Ki Tae-jeong let out a short sigh. The silence in the car was suffocatingly quiet, so much so that even the sound of him lightly clicking his tongue against the inside of his mouth thundered like thunder.

“…I’m sorry for getting angry, but I don’t think I was wrong.”

“…”

“You know it was a dangerous situation too.”

“…”

“Something like that will never happen again, but from now on, don’t naively think you can just accept an apology and end it there. And never again make jokes about looking unseemly or—”

“Was that… really something to get so angry about…?”

His shoulders rose and fell repeatedly with agitated breathing. Sehwa roughly wiped his eyes and turned toward Ki Tae-jeong. Unable to face him directly, he turned just slightly, a cowardly posture if there ever was one.

“It wasn’t wrong, was it? I really am… much more worn out than before… aren’t I?”

Sehwa lifted his thin wrist slightly and laughed hollowly.

“You tell me not to say such things, but you don’t think those people were wrong either, do you?”

Not shabby and gaunt, but worn out. Sehwa had finally found the exact expression to describe his condition and nodded his head slightly. Worn down, worn out. Every time someone touched him, he cracked easily, and his abraded edges were crumbling into dust. He wasn’t that great of a person before, but now he had truly become shabbily worn out.

“Lee Sehwa.”

Ki Tae-jeong called his name as if incredulous, but Sehwa, intoxicated by his own words, could no longer hear anything.

“Yes, don’t put yourself down like that. Don’t try to lighten the mood with that kind of talk.”

“Then in situations like that… how should I… elevate myself? Even strangers who see me for the first time think, ‘Oh, he must be here to sell his body,’ and misunderstand…”

“…”

“Right now, even you, Major General… you’re being like this because you feel sorry for me, because you feel bad about me, but once time passes….”

Teardrops fell onto the fists resting on his thighs. Even knowing this was a misdirected whining, the tears wouldn’t stop. It had been a long time since he’d burst into tears for such a pathetic reason, and he couldn’t control himself.

“I was going to call you right away, but they said the owner was coming soon… If I called you and made a big deal out of it… the one who’d hear bad things and suffer from rumors wouldn’t be me… it would be you, Major General… so….”

“…”

“Just….”

As tears flowed, words that had been rolling around inside suddenly popped out.

“Just… couldn’t you say that I tried my best in that situation too… that I endured well without crying?”

“…”

“‘Were you surprised, you must have been very scared,’ instead of scolding me, couldn’t you say something like that…?”

Only after saying it out loud did he think he shouldn’t have said such things. Sehwa swallowed his sobs while wiping his wet face. Stop it. Even though he understood everything he wanted to say, to suddenly start crying just because he felt a little hurt, what kind of behavior was this?

“…I’ll go now. I’m sorry….”

After several failed attempts, he finally managed to grasp the door handle.

“Wait.”

As soon as Sehwa opened the door, he heard the urgent sound of a seatbelt being unfastened.

“Lee Sehwa, I….”

Leaving Ki Tae-jeong calling him from behind, Sehwa quickly walked away. It was only his intention, his movements were probably as feeble and pathetic as a cookie soaked in milk. What more could he do if they talked longer here than just cry?

Fortunately, Ki Tae-jeong, who had burst out of the car door, didn’t chase after Sehwa. He could hear the sound of military boots pacing for a moment, and he could feel his gaze piercing into his back continuously, but that was all.

“Hic…”

As soon as Sehwa entered the building, he bent over. With his hands on his knees, he vomited out layers of accumulated tears like retching. Even the Ki Tae-jeong of the past, who used to like it when he cried, would have been disgusted by how hideously he was crying now.

Sehwa went up to his house, swallowed a handful of antidepressants, and fell asleep in the living room. He cooled his tear-hot cheeks on the floor and thought he felt a little better.

Then, when he opened his eyes in the early morning, he was on the bed, and for a moment he suspected that he had sleepwalked. Sehwa blankly looked around the bedroom, then dragged his limp body back to the living room. He didn’t want to sleep alone in the empty room without Hae-rim.

As he was about to lie down on the sofa, he noticed unfamiliar items filling the island table. He didn’t know what they were, but shopping bags bearing the logos of brands famous for nutritional supplements and simple medical devices were everywhere.

What was all that? Was it a hallucination? He wanted to check, but he couldn’t shake off the drowsiness because he had taken sedatives that he was told to use only when things were really difficult.

Sehwa pulled his knees up and curled his body small, thinking it was cold. Lonely and cold. The moment he thought he wanted to share some warmth, a name came to mind and tears like pus flowed again.

The dawn passed like that, without either Ki Tae-jeong or Hae-rim.

The notification that a registered vehicle had left the parking garage rang long after the morning sun had risen.