M 154

‘Why is this little guy so excited today?’

A dog out for a walk wagged its tail vigorously while barking loudly. At this peaceful interruption, Ki Tae-jeong awkwardly withdrew his hand, and Sehwa also straightened his posture. He sat up straight, pulled his stretched-out legs close to the bench, and kept glancing toward where the sound came from. It seemed he was slightly flustered since this was the first time encountering neighbors.

‘Okay, let’s go. Go.’

The dog, which had been stubbornly holding its ground wanting to come onto the walking path, excitedly ran toward them as soon as it got permission from its owner. But the closer the puppy got, the more noticeably Sehwa’s body shrank. It wasn’t because he was conscious of someone, but…

‘Are you afraid of dogs?’

It seemed like a reaction of being terrified.

Could it be that he wasn’t fixing his posture because he was conscious of strangers earlier, but because he was surprised by the sound of the dog barking?

He thought it was unexpected. Since Lee Sehwa became endlessly soft whenever he saw small, young things, and because the image of him whispering that he wanted to see dolphins when Hae-rim was still a sprout was so vivid. He had thought he would definitely like things like puppies too.

‘I’m sorry, my dog really likes people.’

The dog, which entered the walking path without hesitation as if it was a familiar route, was making a fuss wanting to greet the strangers.

‘But since it’s on a leash, it won’t be able to reach you.’

Perhaps because Sehwa’s condition didn’t look very good to the dog owner either, they kindly asked for understanding.

‘We’ll pass by quickly.’

As if to reassure them, the owner held the leash short, pulled it taut, and bowed in greeting. The innocent puppy struggled to come this way, and each time, Sehwa’s face turned deathly pale.

‘It’s okay.’

Ki Tae-jeong firmly grasped Sehwa’s calf and placed it on his thigh.

‘This way it won’t reach you.’

He gently stroked his trembling thin back to reassure him. Actually, he couldn’t tell if it was his hand or Sehwa’s back that was trembling. Even this contact, which was more like emergency treatment than lovers’ touch, made his heart pound violently. He worried that sounds might leak out of his mouth.

‘I think Choco is acting like this because there aren’t many people moving into this area, so it’s too happy. He likes strangers the most.’

Even when the owner firmly pulled the leash, the puppy didn’t know how to move at all. It panted and wagged its tail enthusiastically in front of Sehwa, as if asking to be petted and hugged.

‘Oh my. Choco! Let’s go!’

Ki Tae-jeong, who had been watching Sehwa flinch and shake his shoulders pitifully each time, suddenly raised his head at a hypothesis that flashed through his mind.

Wait, could this be…

‘That thing, the leash.’

‘Yes?’

And indeed, Lee Sehwa…

‘Yes? Choco’s leash? Why do you ask…’

‘It seems like you’re holding it too short.’

Every time someone mentioned a leash…

‘Oh, it’s okay.’

He trembled terribly.

‘Choco won’t be hurt either. And when there are other people around, you have to hold it tight and pull like this to prevent accidents. There are many crazy dog owners who say their dogs don’t bite.’

Saying it was a product made with ergonomic design for dogs so it wouldn’t choke the neck, the owner demonstrated by pulling the leash taut several more times. Sehwa had unfocused, blackened pupils and awkwardly shifted his body to hide his trembling fingertips. The innocent, smiling appearance from moments ago while basking in the sunlight had completely disappeared.

Ki Tae-jeong swallowed the boiling sensation rising from deep within. As expected. It wasn’t the dog he was afraid of, but the leash. Because he remembered the moment when, carrying a child in his belly, he was driven like prey and dragged before people while wearing a platinum leash around his neck. Because he could never forget that time… It would be better if he at least screamed in fear. Sehwa, who had been instantly sucked into some day from the past, was sinking quietly, just quietly.

Lee Sehwa, who had smiled brightly yesterday showing off the cream puffs he made.

Lee Sehwa, who smiled gently when asked if anything was uncomfortable at the hospital, saying nothing hurt anymore.

Lee Sehwa, who handed over the baby asking to call him Hae-rim.

In fact, he hadn’t gotten better at all.

Even after the dog owner and puppy went their way, Sehwa remained frozen for a long time.

‘My legs… are numb.’

Sehwa, who had been breathing heavily as if he might shatter at the slightest touch, slowly got up.

‘It doesn’t seem like a cramp though.’

He mumbled quietly with somewhat slurred pronunciation, then stretched and said let’s go home. That was all.

Sehwa didn’t get angry at Ki Tae-jeong, didn’t ask why he was acting this way, didn’t even pour out lost resentment, and acted as usual. He came home and greeted Hae-rim happily, asked the sitter if anything had happened while he was away, and ordered baking ingredients for tomorrow on his tablet. He ate all the prepared food well, and his appearance seeing him off wasn’t much different from usual.

Ki Tae-jeong, who had come down to the parking lot, gripped the steering wheel until his knuckles turned white and swallowed a deep groan. Unable to return to his quarters, he spent the night sitting at his office desk. Even when he tried to close his eyes, Sehwa crouched and trembling on the walking path, and his clear face smiling as if nothing happened when they returned home, stuck like tar to the inside of his eyelids and wouldn’t come off.

And the next day. When he received an urgent call from the babysitter and came home, Lee Sehwa was locked in the bedroom crying. The baby just cried endlessly without even knowing why he was in pain. It seemed like he had erased yesterday’s encounter with the leashed dog from his memory. It wasn’t that he was pretending not to know, but he really seemed to have forgotten. Like when he briefly lost his memory at the hospital before, because it was painful and hurtful.

“Still, this is too strange, I was fine yesterday, I, I even succeeded in making cream puffs, I slept well and woke up… suddenly feeling like this…’

His nails were all torn, and his hands were covered with scratches. The traces of struggling to somehow get better, to appear like a normal person, heavily struck Ki Tae-jeong’s insides.

He looks good because he has motivation? He seems to have gotten better? Lee Sehwa seems stronger than expected? What an arrogant delusion that had been.

How many times had Lee Sehwa collapsed without him knowing? While trying to appear okay to everyone, he must have cried alone like this behind the scenes, right? Even feeling guilty about crying, just how much had he…

‘Repeat after me. I am more normal than Ki Tae-jeong.’

‘…What’s that?’

‘I said repeat after me. I am.’

‘…’

‘Quickly. I am.’

‘…I… am.’

‘More normal than Ki Tae-jeong.’

‘More normal than… Ki Tae-jeong…’

‘Normal.’

‘…Normal.’

From that day on, Ki Tae-jeong resolved not to be kind as he pleased. Besides, he didn’t even know what real kindness was. Unlike before, when he showered him with luxuries like a bombardment, he now at least thought about Lee Sehwa when choosing gifts? That was the extent of his improvement.

So let’s continue to live like this. So that Lee Sehwa can feel free to resent him when he’s cornered. But still, minimize harsh words as much as possible, and never smoke in front of him. Be moderately aloof, moderately like before. Secretly love and cherish him like that, and when Sehwa, who has truly gotten better, has something he sincerely wants from him, which has improved a lot, then he would be as kind as he wants.

Gently wiping the tear-stained corners of Sehwa’s eyes, Ki Tae-jeong quietly held in his heart the scar of a certain day that had been permanently etched into the one he loved, the painful wound that still oozed pus.

And it hadn’t been that long ago that he’d messed up again.

The thought of what could have happened to him made his head go white, and he lost his temper again. Ki Tae-jeong would be happy to kill those bastards right now, but seeing Sehwa awkwardly smile, saying he was fine probably because Ki Tae-jeong looked terrible, made him furious.

Don’t do that. I’d rather you be mad at me. Scream at me that I’m the one who destroyed your self-esteem, that I’m the one who made you feel this way. Please.