M 163

Ki Tae-jeong finished reading the entire contents in an exceedingly cheerful tone and handed the certificate back.

“Major General… I think your joke is going too far right now…”

“I’m not joking.”

Ki Tae-jeong flipped to the next page, pointing out each guarantor’s name one by one. Sehwa didn’t know who was who, but they were all clearly high-ranking officers.

“Most of them are people I’ve never met, or know only superficially, or who look down on me. Oh, this bastard keeps praying that I’ll fail. His rank is just so-so, but his family background is decent.”

Ki Tae-jeong said he deliberately chose such people.

“Because when something really happens, they’ll be so pleased they’ll gouge my eyes out.”

Unless it was someone who could genuinely harm him when trouble arose, what would be the point of this certificate? Ki Tae-jeong spoke of this terrible thing as if it were nothing.

Sehwa was so dumbfounded he couldn’t say anything. He wanted to believe it was a joke, but the document format itself was real. No one had seen as many of these pieces of paper used to mortgage someone’s entire life as Sehwa had. Moreover, Ki Tae-jeong’s name written neatly at the bottom, followed by the officers’ official seals and various military unit insignias, all declared that this certificate was no joke.

“I went to General Oh Seon-ran first, and as soon as I showed him the contents, he threw an ashtray at me. I almost got hit.”

General Oh Seon-ran seemed like the type who would be most pleased to have a certificate saying I wouldn’t betray you, but wasn’t that unexpected? Ki Tae-jeong said as he shrugged his shoulders. Sehwa held back his urge to snap that he should be grateful the General only threw an ashtray. Was this man really calling that talk?

“This is… because of what happened at the restaurant, right?”

After having sex and even giving permission to call him casually, what was all this fuss about?

Until they ran into each other at the emergency room today, they hadn’t contacted each other or even tried to see each other’s faces. In a way, this was their first real fight, so Sehwa had been wondering how to resolve it, but apparently Ki Tae-jeong had been preparing this ridiculous act as an apology. Today, he wanted to borrow General Oh Seon-ran’s favorite expression about Ki Tae-jeong: truly a crazy bastard who’s gone completely mad.

“What is this, really…”

“Hmm, I thought you might dislike it, but I didn’t expect you to hate it this much.”

He knew I’d dislike it but still made this thing? As Sehwa’s eyes narrowed slightly, Ki Tae-jeong gently coaxed him, planting kisses like rain on his cheek.

“Still, I thought I should address this at least once.”

“Address what? The promise to gouge out your eyes someday?”

“See? This is why I wrote the certificate.”

“What? What do you mean…”

“You unconsciously think I might abandon you someday. And in your words, because you’ve become ‘worn out.'”

“No, when did I ever…”

“Then why do you talk like that? Whether I blind myself or gouge out my eyes, whatever happens to me, it’s written here that it would only happen when I tell you with my own mouth that I want to break up.”

Well… Ki Tae-jeong’s momentum was so fierce that Sehwa quietly backed down. If he said it was just something that came out without deep thought while talking, this ridiculous argument would probably never end.

“After meeting you, I realized my way of speaking and thinking is excessively military-like. In a very fucked up way, too.”

…How did he know? Sehwa felt like his secret thoughts had been discovered and sneakily looked away.

“For example, when something happens, I think about the compensation I can offer before apologizing, or I simulate everything alone until the very end instead of honestly telling you about my situation and asking for your opinion… Because for soldiers, winning is everything. The process can be a fucking mess, but as long as the result is good, and as long as I take responsibility and recapture it, that’s all that matters.”

“…”

“Actually, there were several times, right? Moments when I should have apologized to you straight away, before beating around the bush with bullshit like ‘we need to talk.'”

Ki Tae-jeong had been freely using profanity that he rarely used in front of Sehwa recently. Sehwa somehow felt like Ki Tae-jeong was testing him one last time. Asking him to accept even this side of him. Even if he continued to act terribly, he still wanted to be loved…

“I don’t want to lose you again, and I don’t want to hurt you either. But regardless of how sorry I am to you, I can’t help that my nature is fucked up, so I keep treating you like shit.”

“…”

“At the restaurant… I still think I got angry for valid reasons. First, it involved your safety. Second, you were strangely putting yourself down.”

Mid-sentence, Ki Tae-jeong grabbed Sehwa’s chin and turned it this way and that.

“Even thinking about it again, it’s absurd… What part of this face is unsightly? Don’t you look in mirrors?”

He muttered as if he was dumbfounded, but it wasn’t something he was saying for him to hear, but a soliloquy he was spouting out of genuine bewilderment. How could he say such things while looking someone in the eyes? Sehwa’s cheeks flushed red as he looked down in dissatisfaction.

“It’s perfectly fine to suddenly feel depressed and cry. Cry as much as you want when you want to cry. Yell at me and get angry at me for being such a dick back then. But don’t say things like you’re worn out or unsightly now.”

“…”

“Don’t think of yourself that way, that your value lies in nothing else, even unconsciously. And don’t think that for such reasons, I’ll become indifferent to you over time or my feelings will change.”

“…”

“But no matter how earnestly I explain it to you, you won’t believe my words anymore.”

I understand, since you’ve been through something like that. With that, Ki Tae-jeong flicked the corner of the document with his thumb and middle finger as if flicking someone’s forehead.

“But certificates don’t lie, so believe this.”

Perhaps pleased at having done what he intended, the beautiful man wore a brighter expression than ever as he stroked Sehwa’s side and carefully pulled his body close.

“Back then and now, I’m completely out of my mind over you, but even if you become much more unsightly than now, yes, even if you become very worn out as you say…”

“…”

“I absolutely will not abandon you.”

This was said by a man who had climbed from a detention camp to this position with the single-minded determination to pin stars on his chest and scoff at the world. Rather than losing you and hurting you, I’d rather gouge out my own eyes, throw away everything I have, and be thrown to the very bottom.

Seriously, what a crazy bastard… He used to say that no matter what, he’d be more normal than him, and he was right. Sehwa squeezed his eyes shut. Only after Ki Tae-jeong’s hand stroked his cheek did he realize he was crying. He should have told him never to do such crazy things again and to pretend that the certificate never existed, but he couldn’t say anything and was just crying again. This made it seem like he was actually moved…

“After fighting… who apologizes like this…”

“What can I do? I don’t really know how to apologize like other people either.”

The man’s touch as he pressed and squished his wet cheeks was full of playfulness. Constantly forcing expensive gifts he didn’t need, overhauling his dressing room every two weeks even when told it wasn’t necessary. And now he’d brought this frightening certificate, telling him to accept it unconditionally.

Sehwa sniffled and leaned into the man whose very tenderness was oppressive. The unmelting snow within him meets the unmelting snow within the other, creating an eternal snow scene that only the two of them could see… Though absurd, it wasn’t entirely unpleasant.

“Shall we wash up?”

Though he was exhausted both physically and mentally and just wanted to sleep, he felt he couldn’t fall asleep like this. When he nodded with difficulty, Ki Tae-jeong slipped his arm behind his knees and had him wrap his arms around his neck. As bodily fluids pooled behind him began dripping and he hunched his shoulders awkwardly, Ki Tae-jeong pressed his lips firmly against his temple. Whether telling him not to be embarrassed or praising his lewdness, Sehwa couldn’t tell, but decided to think positively about it.

“Shall we wash up and eat something simple, honey?”

Ki Tae-jeong, having finally recaptured everything he had hoped and longed for, grinned. It was that mischievous smile that sometimes made him seem like a villain. It was absurd how excitedly he was using the endearment when it hadn’t been that long since permission was granted, but if Sehwa tried to take it back now, Ki Tae-jeong probably wouldn’t even pretend to listen.

Without responding, Sehwa buried his face in Ki Tae-jeong’s chest, which seemed broader than he remembered. The overlapping shadow of two people merged as one stretched long across the corridor like a victory banner.