M 198

Lee San-ho counted the figures in the hologram, folding his chubby fingers.

“Big Daddy, Little Daddy, Grandpa, Hae-rim hyung and also… Doctor and soldiers were all there, but only San-ho, waaa, wasn’t there…”

The thought made him unbearably sad again, and tears welled up in Lee San-ho’s big eyes. The sight of the child, who felt he hadn’t been invited to his daddies’ wedding, was unbearably cute, but Ki Tae-jeong’s heart ached as he looked at the child’s tender skin, already red and sore from crying.

He’d rather he just lie down and throw a tantrum to buy something. The gentle, almost soft, second child would cry alone until his cheeks were white with salt, and only after time had passed and he had calmed down a little would he barely be able to express his sadness like this.

“It’s not that we didn’t invite you on purpose, but San-ho wasn’t in the world yet, so we couldn’t call you.”

“Why…? Why wasn’t San-ho there…?”

“Um…. Hae-rim hyung and San-ho have an age difference, right?”

“Ung….”

“That means San-ho was born later than hyung. So San-ho wasn’t in the world yet at that time. Do you understand what I’m saying?”

“Woong….”

“Your daddies wouldn’t leave out only San-ho and have a wedding on purpose, would they?”

As he gently patted his cheek, Lee San-ho buried himself in Ki Tae-jeong’s arms, wanting to be coddled, and burst into tears of sorrow.

“Still, only me… only I wasn’t there. I hate that only San-ho isn’t there. I want to go to my daddies’ wedding too.”

“Hmm….”

“Daddy…”

Ki Tae-jeong soothed Lee San-ho, who was crying, calling only for his daddy, and kept stroking his chin.

It seemed that he hadn’t properly understood why he hadn’t attended the wedding alone…. What should he say to explain this? He couldn’t say that his trashy Big Daddy had harassed his much younger Little Daddy and got him pregnant, so his hyung was able to be at the wedding.

Hae-rim was exceptionally smart, but San-ho was also outstanding. His use of words and sentence structure were unusual, and his imagination was rich. Rather, his ability to empathize seemed to be better than his hyung’s.

Even so, San-ho often and frequently suffered because he couldn’t catch up with his hyung, whom he liked so much, and sometimes he was sad that he seemed to be much less than the other family members. Perhaps this time, he thought that he was less than his hyung and that was why he was left out, and that was why he was so sad.

“Is it because I don’t look like little Daddy…?”

“Huh?”

Ki Tae-jeong was stroking the child’s back, choosing what to say, when the tender voice of the little one, full of tears, broke his reverie. No. He didn’t look like Sehwa? What was this again…?

“Big Daddy likes it more when people say I look more like little Daddy than Big Daddy…”

Lee San-ho’s long eyelashes, filled with tears, drooped sadly.

“So you didn’t take San-ho…?”

Ki Tae-jeong felt as if he had been hit belatedly and met Lee San-ho’s eyes in a daze.

Whether it was Hae-rim or San-ho, he did want them to look like Lee Sehwa more than himself. But that was because he loved Sehwa so much, not for any other special reason. There was no way he would hate that Lee Sehwa had a child who looked like him.

So that’s why they say you shouldn’t even drink water carelessly in front of children…. Ki Tae-jeong realized that the words he had thrown lightly and the attitude he had taken for granted had become sharp thorns and pierced Lee San-ho’s tender heart one by one. Only now, belatedly.

Of course, he felt bad when he thought about his young son crying alone while thinking such things. If he could, he wanted all those thorns to come back to him. He wouldn’t mind if they dug into the most painful crevices under his fingernails, as long as they didn’t remain as the child’s wounds.

“But Daddy, you know… San-ho likes looking like Big Daddy.”

Perhaps feeling that his Big Daddy’s face had become serious and his heart had sunk, Lee San-ho tilted his small body and gripped Ki Tae-jeong’s top tightly.

“Because, uh, because… San-ho loves Daddy a lot….”

“……”

“I love hyung and little Daddy too, but I really, really, love Big Daddy.”

Lee San-ho was sweating and looking around at his daddy’s face. Ki Tae-jeong’s clothes were also getting wet with the sweat on the child’s hands. Chubby, marshmallow-like handprints were stamped on his dress jacket like seals.

“So Daddy, uh, I hope you’ll call San-ho to the wedding too….”

San-ho loves Daddy very, very much, the child added in a small voice.

Ah…. Ki Tae-jeong felt breathless and let out a groan without realizing it.

How could this be? He hadn’t done anything. It was Sehwa who had been carrying the child in his womb and had undergone major surgery. He had just become this child’s daddy by chance, luckily…. Was it okay for him to receive such flawless and beautiful love for that one reason alone?

“…Okay.”

After hesitating for a long time with an overwhelming feeling that scratched his whole body, all he could come up with was this blunt and short answer. Still, Lee San-ho laughed happily.

When he was with Sehwa, there were times when he was immersed in regret, wondering if he could really love this person, and when he was with the children, there were times when he was overwhelmed, wondering if he could really receive such love. He wasn’t trying to be sentimental, but sometimes Ki Tae-jeong’s eyes would sting with an indescribable feeling.

Just because he had been given permission to love these lovely people as much as he wanted, he sometimes wanted to find a god he had never believed in in his life.

“Okay, let’s take a hologram with San-ho too. Your daddies are sorry.”

“Ung… It’s okay, please call San-ho next time…”

“Okay. I’ll only call San-ho this time.”

“No. Call hyung too, call hyung too…”

“Okay. You’re not sad anymore?”

“Ung, not sad at all!”

“Then will San-ho give Daddy a hug?”

“Ung….”

Warm body temperature fit snugly in his arms. Leaving clear traces of tears and snot on his dress uniform as if he had made a rubbing, this time Lee San-ho gently soothed Ki Tae-jeong.

“Was Big Daddy surprised that San-ho ran away with Toto?”

“Yeah, Daddy was very surprised.”

“I see, I won’t do that anymore…”

Wiping the child’s dirty face, Ki Tae-jeong subtly changed the subject.

“But why did Toto suddenly become Santos?”

“Ah, that’s right! Hyung renamed him, uh, Santos…. Why? What is it? I forgot…”

Anyway, how did they take the wedding hologram? Let’s record it again in the same place, wearing the same clothes, and perfectly recreating the flowers and decorations. It wouldn’t be too late to give the child an explanation that he could understand after he had grown up. What was so important about a logical solution when his beloved Lee San-ho was so upset and sad that he couldn’t see his daddies’ wedding alone?

“Daddy.”

“Yeah.”

“I love you.”

Every time Lee San-ho whispered, warm breath tickled Ki Tae-jeong’s chest. It felt like his insides were burning, as if he had swallowed something hot in one gulp. Ki Tae-jeong closed his eyes and quickly savored the sensation he felt at this moment, and then gave the young son the answer he had been waiting for over and over again.

“Daddy loves you too, our San-ho.”

“Reawwy?”

“Of course. And Daddy doesn’t care who San-ho looks like. Big Daddy and Little Daddy will love San-ho the same even if he looks like a Tyrannosaurus. Got it?”

“Tyranno…?”

Even so, he didn’t like that very much, and Lee San-ho wiggled his chubby fingers.

“That’s how much Big Daddy loves San-ho. You won’t really become a Tyranno.”

“Ung…. That’s good then. San-ho likes it too.”

Let’s ask the Little Daddy, who must be standing on tiptoe and eavesdropping on the conversation from beyond the door, to say ‘I love you’ a little later, Lee San-ho nodded vigorously. Saying ‘I love you’ was a tacit agreement and an energy-boosting ritual between family members, in which they hugged each other tightly and said ‘I love you’ and then showered each other’s cheeks with kisses.

“I love you.”

Ki Tae-jeong cherished the lovely child, who was like a mold of himself but in some ways didn’t resemble him at all, and whispered it over and over again. Filling it with a sincerity that would never run dry, I, Lee Sehwa’s spouse and your daddy, am very happy.

---

The next day. Ki Tae-jeong was to lead a classified operation, and as always, he wrote a will. Since he wasn’t actually going into combat, there was no way he would be in danger, and even if he was deployed in actual combat, he was confident that he would never lose, but this group of blockheads always presented inefficient procedures.

It was a document he had touched to the point of exhaustion since he was commissioned. He wished his adjutants would just take care of it, since it wouldn’t be saved and would be discarded after the operation, but as for the will, no matter what the rank, he had to write and sign it himself.

After entering the document number S-4858702 according to the prescribed form, Ki Tae-jeong stamped his seal, completed the security procedure with iris recognition, and pressed the save button. Now all that was left was to submit it… For some reason, the names of his family members, written in a neat and tidy manner, caught his eye today.

After savoring the names of his precious people for a while, Ki Tae-jeong impulsively began to modify the document he had written.

2. I hope you will tell my spouse Lee Sehwa and my children Lee Hae-rim and Lee San-ho that I loved them as much as I cannot express in words.

It was the first time he had written a heartfelt request in his will.

He knew that it was a document that no one would see and would be discarded. He also knew that it was much more efficient to convey his sincerity directly with warm eyes and a word than to scribble in detail on something that would never be shown to the world.

But from some point on, Ki Tae-jeong stopped calculating efficiency or utility when it came to matters related to his family. To the point where he couldn’t help but write down his love without leaving any gaps, even in a document that would be discarded in a few days.

Ki Tae-jeong stared at his unfamiliar will for a long time, then slowly pressed the submit button.

I love you.

I love you.

I love you.

Hoping that his heart in the unshowable letters would be conveyed to those he loved more than anything.