M 46

Was he holding back a curse? The sound of heavy breathing was close by, rough and uneven. Sehwa tightly closed his eyes, waiting for the warm hand to push his face away. Without realizing it, his body had tensed up so much that his closed vision turned deep blue, as if bruised.

However, even after what felt like quite a long time, the man remained still. The warmth he had barely obtained still remained beneath Sehwa’s face.

“…”

As relief returned, his stiffly frozen shoulders slumped down. As always, human greed knows no bounds. He should be grateful just for not being coldly rejected, but as things got better, new desires began to softly bloom. Now he found himself wishing the man would caress him. Like before, gently stroking his forehead or cheek. That had felt so nice…

After getting carried away with inflating his fantasies, Sehwa soon recalled his position and folded away his greed. The place where Sehwa lived was at the very bottom. No matter how hard he flapped his wings, he could never soar forever and would eventually have to return to the ground, but his landing point was far below others. The moment of falling never became familiar. It always hurt. So he should be satisfied with this much. Since he had never experienced more tenderness than this anyway, it was hard to even imagine. As always, resignation came quickly.

“Want water?”

A casual question dropped from above his head. Sehwa kept his eyes closed and only breathed quietly. He hoped he wouldn’t move away under the pretense of taking care of him.

However, contrary to Sehwa’s wishes, there was a rustling sound from far away, no, nearby… anyway, there was movement. The fortunate thing was that the man hadn’t withdrawn his offered hand. The sounds occurred in sequence – a cap opening, liquid gurgling as it was swallowed, a plastic bottle being crushed at the bottom. Following his busy movements on the opposite side, veins also bulged and rose on the back of his hand that Sehwa was pressing down on. Sehwa thought there was something sensual about those subtle pulsations that could only be felt when pressed so closely together.

Soon the hand slowly pulled away. Instead, body heat wrapped around the back of his neck. Though he had thought it was just pleasantly warm when resting against his cheek earlier, when his fingers touched other parts of his body, it felt chilly. As he instinctively hunched his shoulders at the sudden caress, a shadow abruptly fell over his face. Even with his eyes closed, he could feel the man was right next to him.

Moist flesh slowly descended onto his dry lips. It was the man’s lips. Through the gap that had slightly parted in surprise, water flowed in waves. It was so cold compared to the fingers gripping his nape that it made his head ring for a moment. But the unpleasant sensation was brief. Only after the water went down his throat did Sehwa realize how parched he had been. Thirst arose so intensely that it was hard to believe he hadn’t noticed it until now. Maybe it was because this was a dream; the transition of sensations felt so difficult.

As if checking whether he had drunk it all, a hot tongue swept through every corner of his mouth. The man split his palate with the tip of his raised tongue, heavily rubbed against the connected flesh, then withdrew. He sucked up the moisture that had flowed from his mouth down his cheek as if kissing it, and also gently bit his lips.

That amount of water showed no signs of quenching his thirst. His lips were already drying again. Growing wistful, Sehwa desperately clung to the man. More please, just a little more. As if sensing his unspoken begging, his lips, pressed against his, curved into a small arc.

“Where did you learn things like this, again.”

Though his tone was close to scolding, Sehwa read the whisper-like laughter hidden within it. So he decided to be a little more brave. He was the first to eagerly capture his lower lip with a “haap.” When he only wrapped it gently with his lips as he had done earlier, he readily opened his mouth. The tender flesh inside met. Sehwa clumsily breathed while hastily sucking on his tongue.

Though he seemed to regain some consciousness thanks to the water and kiss, he was still dazed. No, the more they kissed, the more feverish he felt. Sehwa flailed his arms out and lightly placed his hands on the man’s shoulders. He tried to hold onto the heat that spread like intoxication and to grasp some memory that flitted across his hazy vision. Sehwa thought long about the owner of these rock-solid shoulders, about the dream man who had touched his forehead and caressed his cheek.

He did know. This sensation, this solid body that seemed it could never be destroyed… he definitely knew it.

“I’m… sorry…”

When his thoughts reached that point, a sudden apology burst out. At the habitual, naturally uttered plea, the muscular body under his hands noticeably stiffened. Though he repeated “sorry” like a parrot, he couldn’t recall the reason, so Sehwa slightly tilted his head.

“I won’t… do it again…”

Even in the midst of this, his stiffened tongue moved busily. Though his mouth was bone dry, apologetic words pooled like a spring, showing no signs of diminishing no matter how much he bailed them out.

“Brigade… General… I…”

Brigade General… who was that?

“Never again…”

“Ha.”

The man’s lips curved up crookedly. It was a sneer, completely different from the round arc he had drawn moments ago.

“I’ll… call you… honey…, and… make… good sounds…”

Onto the pathetic lips that were stuttering incomprehensible words, the cold, moisture-laden flesh descended again. Even while gulping down whatever was given, Sehwa begged for forgiveness several more times. He was anxious as his tongue wouldn’t roll as his heart wished. Though he didn’t know why, it felt like he shouldn’t stop speaking. Because… if he did, then again…

“Fvck, won’t you shut up?”

As he acted so pathetically while stumbling over words, the man finally lost patience and snapped. Hot tears dripped from the tip of his chin. The man’s deep sigh, as if he was about to burst, swept across his face. The corner of consciousness he had barely been holding onto began to crumble bit by bit. He felt pathetic for managing to earn someone’s hatred even in a dream.

***

“Ugh…”

He had tried to roll over unconsciously, but the screaming protest from all his muscles jolted him awake. Sehwa slowly pushed open his eyelids. His eyelashes were all tangled with tears, and only after rubbing his eyes several times like a cat washing its face could he properly open them.

After blinking his dazed eyes several times to focus, everything he saw was unfamiliar. First, the robe he was wearing was quite different from what he used to wear. The fabric was much thicker and the size larger. Wearing this and being thoroughly covered by a blanket, he must have been sweating profusely.

Sehwa carefully pushed aside the sheets and sat up. Having grown used to the water bed, even the feel of the mattress underneath felt strange. When he pulled back the curtain fluttering by his headboard, outside was all reddish. Dawn? Or was it sunset? In this neighborhood with 24-hour neon signs flashing, it was even harder to gauge the time.

“Escorts always on standby, serving with devotion”… The tacky banner was fluttering in the wind like it was sobbing. Though he didn’t know when or how he’d moved from the bunker… seeing the familiar outside scenery he could draw even in his sleep, this was definitely inside the house. Moreover, the furniture with its unmistakable tackiness was certainly the boss’s taste.

While inside the house, there was only one place somewhat unfamiliar to Sehwa… The one place they had blocked soldiers from entering, was Ki Tae-jeong’s bedroom.

The inside was ordinary. Though bigger than the room given to Sehwa, the layout was identical. Bed, sofa table, and bathroom. The differences were a large wardrobe on one side and the feeling that this was truly a space meant for resting?

As his rustling hair began to dry with sweat, Sehwa finally raised his heavy body. He wasn’t sure. Feeling uncomfortable, he wanted to shower first and think later.

His memories were cut up in chunks. Anyway, Ki Tae-jeong had treated him roughly… that much he remembered clearly. That things had ended very badly before he lost consciousness, too. He would faint intermittently, and when he opened his eyes, his cock was still stirring inside him.

Under the falling stream of water, Sehwa rummaged through his hazy mind. As the shower booth became blurry with moisture, conversely, the pieces of consciousness he had tried to push away became clearer. Ah. Right. Ki Tae-jeong had sneered, asking why he liked him. So he had denied it… and defiantly talked back, getting severely punished.

Ki Tae-jeong had called Sehwa’s name as he pleased. He had thrown away the simple wish contained in it. He had mocked Sehwa’s heart that dared to feel pity by deliberately using the intimate nickname “honey.” Until now he had seemed focused only on giving shame, but now he persistently induced reactions by thrusting only in ways that Sehwa felt pleasure. It wasn’t for his pleasure. It was because it was convenient because he wanted to mock how he would end up clinging and coming while crying despite saying no, just because it was fun… That’s all it was. Hating his body that went against his heart, he had thought several times that he’d rather faint, and in the end, that’s what actually happened. That was all.

Sehwa stood still under the water with slumped shoulders. Like him? Though he had begged sorry and promised never to talk back again, he still couldn’t agree with those words. He couldn’t understand why Ki Tae-jeong had such a misunderstanding.

Though he hadn’t set any particular ideal type, if forced to choose, he liked kind people. He wanted to hold such a person in his heart. He knew that with his background, he’d never meet someone from a good environment. People usually end up with their own kind. Even knowing they’d only ruin each other’s lives by being together, he wanted to meet someone he could stay beside, and comfort the wounds they must have experienced. If he could no longer be lonely with someone he liked, he thought it would be worth it even if his debt doubled.

In that sense, Ki Tae-jeong… was far from his ideal type. Of course, his appearance was remarkable. From the start, he had stared absent-mindedly, and sometimes just seeing Ki Tae-jeong’s face would make his heart flutter. However, that was merely reverence for a beautiful creation. Not intimate feelings, but simple amazement. Sehwa knew now. That beauty was a useless poison, so… He had never given his heart to Ki Tae-jeong.

Sehwa raised his stopped hands and wiped away all the remaining soap on his body. Belatedly, he wondered if it was okay to shower here. Though he had stumbled to the visible bathroom because he felt tired and uncomfortable if this was indeed Ki Tae-jeong’s bedroom… He was the type to make a huge deal even about letting someone sleep in his bed. And now he had luxuriously showered here too. What excuse would he find to pick on this time?

Sehwa moved his hands quickly. He didn’t want to owe Ki Tae-jeong anymore. The ledger was now in his hands. He had only received a promise for the new ID, and hadn’t even seen it. Above all, as long as Lieutenant Kim’s matter wasn’t resolved, he wouldn’t think of letting him go. Someone he’d have to keep seeing for a while even though he was scared and disliked him… He didn’t want to give any more reasons to be picked on.

“Seems you’re living quite well now.”

Just as he hurriedly hung the showerhead on the wall and turned off the water, a low voice echoed in his ear. Sehwa startled and stumbled. He almost fell badly but managed to grab the faucet and shower booth wall to maintain balance.

Ki Tae-jeong clicked his tongue lowly as he walked towards him. Perhaps having just exercised, he was drenched in sweat in casual attire. His tightly fitted shirt clearly revealed his broad chest and defined muscles. Without his suit and with his hair down, he looked much younger than usual. No, to be more honest… he looked like a completely different person from the man who had tormented him last night. Sehwa lost his words again and blankly stared at Ki Tae-jeong’s face.

“What. Want me to wash you?”

If not, he gestured with his chin to get out. Was he letting the bathroom use slide? Sehwa curled his body and quickly slipped out of the shower booth. He barely covered his front with a towel from the wall as he passed by him. A piercing gaze touched his profile, then the back of his head.

He thought he would definitely get scolded if their eyes met. Or exhausting s3x like in the bunker would continue. However, Ki Tae-jeong let him go without saying anything. With the sound of falling water in the background, Sehwa carefully moved his steps. Not knowing what whim he might have, he should leave while being let go.

Not wanting to wear the sweat-soaked robe again, he crossed the living room towards the small room with the water bed. Instead of a robe, clothes hung on the wall hook. They were the indoor clothes he had worn in the bunker. They must have been washed, as the fabric softener scent wafted gently whenever he touched the fabric.

The reason he hesitated to reach for them even knowing they were much better than the robe was… partly because of the unpleasant memories from the bunker, but also because of the emblems embroidered on the top. Stars, flowers, birds. However ignorant he might be, he wasn’t unaware of what these symbols represented.

It was after the water sound abruptly stopped that Sehwa, who had been hesitating for a while, finally fumbled to put on the clothes. He must have been spacing out longer than he thought, as his hair was already half-dry.

While the bottoms seemed identical to what he had worn before… the top was the problem. The neckline hung much lower than when its real owner would have worn it, revealing almost all of his collarbones. Moreover, the shoulder seams were dangling around the middle of his arms. No, perhaps even lower than the middle.

Meanwhile, the sound of a door opening wide came from afar. Footsteps that seemed to be looking for something briefly wandered before heading straight this way. They were unhesitating steps, as if certain their guess wasn’t wrong.

Sehwa swallowed hard with his head lowered. He had no idea what expression he should wear when facing Ki Tae-jeong. Still, not wanting to show himself sitting obediently on the bed waiting, he awkwardly stood up… and at that moment, the intruder barged in.

The gaze that swept over his foolish appearance held unreadable emotions. Though he couldn’t tell what it was, it felt like his body would catch fire just from that look. Even though he hadn’t done anything, as his face started heating up for no reason, a short snort of “ha” was heard above his lowered head. It seemed he was in a bad mood again by himself.

Getting angry when he spoke saying things he didn’t like. Getting displeased even when he apologized… So Sehwa decided to choose silence for now.

“……”

But… this hand suddenly extended before him, how should he take it? As he just stared quietly, unable to understand the intention, Ki Tae-jeong clicked his tongue disapprovingly.

“You were chattering away just fine when you lost your mind…”

Ki Tae-jeong’s hand, which seemed to be withdrawing, suddenly grabbed his cheek. Sehwa could only breathe heavily with his cheeks pressed like a carp. After seemingly appreciating his foolish appearance for a moment, Ki Tae-jeong then started roughly rubbing the back of his hand against his face. It didn’t seem like he was trying to slap him. It felt like he was expecting some kind of reaction… but it was hard to even guess what that might be. While Sehwa had briefly lost his mind, Ki Tae-jeong had returned as an even greater puzzle than before. Even before, his direction and pace had been difficult enough to keep up with.

“It’s troublesome when you act like this.”

“……”

“It makes me curious how you’d act if it hurt more.”

“…I don’t quite understand what you’re saying…”

Ki Tae-jeong tossed something at Sehwa as if he didn’t want to hear it. It was a black outer garment with the same emblems as the indoor clothes. If this was also Ki Tae-jeong’s clothes… it would surely be oversized like the top he was wearing now. Last time he gave him clothes like hot dog wrapping paper too… Was this rag-like style his taste?

“Put it on. We’re going out.”

“…Just wearing this?”

Though better than the robe, he still hadn’t been allowed underwear. Moreover, the indoor clothes felt similar to pajamas. Even with the outer garment, he wouldn’t look properly dressed. And to go out like this, where exactly…

“Perhaps you’re interested in hearing about your parents?”

“…Pardon?”

“The people who gave birth to you. Aren’t you curious?”

Sehwa just blinked vacantly. He had been wondering what face he should make when facing Ki Tae-jeong again. Though they weren’t the kind of relationship where “awkward” would be an appropriate description, he thought such an atmosphere would flow for a while. Still, it seemed bearable as long as he didn’t mockingly call his name or spout nonsense about not liking him. If just considering the intensity and frequency of violence, the boss was far worse than Ki Tae-jeong. He had endured under him for years, so he thought there was nothing more to feel sorry about.

But… wasn’t this topic too sudden?

“Come out first. Let’s talk after eating.”

“You woke up after four days,” Ki Tae-jeong said as he turned around. Sehwa just stood there rooted to the spot, dumbfounded. Parents? People who gave birth to him? Words he had rarely pronounced in his life rolled strangely around in his mouth. Why, why bring up such a thing now…?

“What are you doing?”

“Ah, I…”

Sehwa pushed away all the thoughts that were making him dizzy. Even putting aside the sudden topic… he wasn’t in any state to sit across from Ki Tae-jeong and eat. Just thinking about it made him feel like he would choke. It was already overwhelming enough just bearing his gaze, he didn’t have the confidence to examine and ponder topics that were unfamiliar only to him.

Sehwa mumbled and stepped half a step back. Didn’t he say he had just woken up after four days? Then wouldn’t that excuse be acceptable?

“I just woke up, so I’m not really hungry….”

At this timid refusal, Ki Tae-jeong, who had been about to stride out, stopped abruptly.

“Have a good trip…”

There was a sharp glint in his eyes as he turned around. Feeling like he might get cut by the sharp gaze, submissive words tumbled out reflexively. And immediately he mocked himself. How nice. Even in this situation. Of all things to say, “have a good trip”…

“You won’t eat?”

Ki Tae-jeong took a step towards him. The distance that had opened up closed instantly. In fact, they were now much closer than before Sehwa had backed away. The moisture dropping from whose body was unclear as it mingled together.

“As I said, I don’t really hungry…”

Sehwa mumbled quietly while tracing the small water trails forming on the floor. Even to his own ears, his voice was terrible.

“You used to shiver and hoard scraps of bread because you hated going hungry…”

Ki Tae-jeong took another step closer. Now truly, there was nowhere left to retreat.

“And now you’re not hungry?”

Sehwa hid his trembling hands in his drooping sleeves. The more he hunched his body, the more the oversized top slipped down.

“You could… just say what you need to here….”

If he didn’t eat… wouldn’t that be good since it would save on food costs? The restaurants near the house were just expensive with mediocre taste. Ki Tae-jeong probably wouldn’t want to eat such cheap food either. Since he could cross the port and go eat anywhere if Sehwa wasn’t there, it should be more convenient for him if Sehwa gave up on the meal. So then… why was Ki Tae-jeong acting like this, looking at him with such disapproval?