M 48

“Just….”

Sehwa pressed the back of his hand against his mouth. His  fingertips were still damp. He couldn’t tell if it was from the moisture on the lettuce or Ki Tae-jeong’s saliva.

Suddenly, he felt as if he were drifting alone in a vast ocean. The ground beneath his feet seemed to be shrinking.

When overwhelming events would surge in like the tide and then recede, Ki Tae-jeong would throw something at him as if bestowing charity. The meal set before him now was like that, as were the cake and toys he had received before, and the ledger he had taken from the boss. Like ants drawn to crumbs, he would pick up and eat the things that fell at his feet, and he would soon find himself forgetting the things Ki Tae-jeong had put him through.

“Lee Sehwa.”

At the sudden sound of his name, Sehwa’s gaze wavered uncontrollably. His neck instinctively shrank back, like a turtle retreating into its shell.

“…..”

“Ah… um….”

A vein bulged on Ki Tae-jeong’s forehead.

Sehwa knew Ki Tae-jeong wasn’t calling him to tease or torment him, but literally just trying to call his name. Even though he knew this… for a moment, memories of the bunker resurfaced, and he overreacted without meaning to.

“What just happened, I didn’t mean to….”

Sehwa tried to explain, but Ki Tae-jeong, having already read much from Sehwa’s expression, picked up the tongs again as if to say forget it. He laid out bright red meat in rows on the grill, then started cutting it aggressively as if picking a fight.

“Brigadier General.”

“…..”

“I’m sorry….”

The pieces of meat were sliced so finely that they were practically reduced to ground meat. It was his way of saying “shut up,” along with a warning that Sehwa could be next. As usual, when Sehwa tried to escape in his self-destructive way, this infuriating man wouldn’t allow it.

Many people had hurt Sehwa, but very few had ever apologized. Even fewer had tried to mend strained relations by treating him to such an expensive meal. Ki Tae-jeong was the first. He disliked pretending nothing was wrong. But he couldn’t act like nothing had happened either…. Sehwa could tell Ki Tae-jeong was trying to send some kind of signal in his own way, but interpreting it was another story. Sehwa lowered his head discreetly and slowly nibbled on some sesame leaves.

“I’m sorry, I just….”

“…..”

“I just… it’s delicious.”

The excuse he came up with after some thought sounded flimsy even to his own ears. Ki Tae-jeong gulped down cold water as if trying to quell his anger.

Still, it wasn’t a lie. The reason he found himself diligently using his chopsticks despite his unease was that he had never eaten such delicious food before.

“The meat is delicious… and the cake you gave me before was delicious… everything is delicious.”

Thinking this much wrapping was probably enough, he subtly lowered the sleeves he had rolled up. Ki Tae-jeong with his narrowed gaze, just stared at the place where Sehwa’s slender arm had disappeared beneath the fabric.

“…You.”

“Yes?”

Ki Tae-jeong called out to him first but then said nothing. He just stared at Sehwa’s cheeks, puffed out from eating tofu. No, more than staring, he seemed to be gnawing at every inch of his skin with his gaze, as if he wanted to crush him. His stare was so piercing that Sehwa felt if he looked in a mirror now, his cheeks would be red and swollen from that scorching glare.

“You… eat all of that and then come out.”

After a long while of this, Ki Tae-jeong suddenly stood up. At the sound of chair legs scraping the floor, the waiters who had been hiding came over politely. Had he finished eating already? He seemed to exercise diligently and looked fit, so Sehwa thought he would eat a lot. But he must have been mistaken. Sehwa put down the chopsticks he had been holding and hurriedly prepared to leave as well. But… Ki Tae-jeong waved off the waiter who was trying to bring his outer coat.

“Don’t get indigestion from eating nervously under someone else’s eye and then blame others.”

Sehwa just stood there blinking.

“It seems like nothing I say will get through right now.”

“…..”

“Eat and then we’ll talk again.”

Ki Tae-jeong nodded towards the table. Sehwa looked at the grill piled high with meat like a mountain. So he was saying he would leave him here alone?

“Oh, aren’t you going to eat? What I did just now was really a mistake….”

“You’re making such a fuss because you hate even hearing my voice.”

“…..”

“How am I supposed to say anything when I sit you down?”

Ki Tae-jeong received a cigarette pack from a waiter he seemed to know and went straight outside. It was practically winter weather, but he still hadn’t put anything on.

“…How am I supposed to eat all this alone…?”

A chilly breeze swept through the restaurant as the door opened and closed. Sehwa awkwardly sat down and looked at the table. A waiter approached discreetly and brought out fresh vegetables. They also kindly asked if he would like more steamed egg. The service was embarrassingly polite, but it was clearly directed at Ki Tae-jeong who had left, not Sehwa. As if the awkwardness of the person left alone wasn’t a consideration, various neatly arranged side dishes were set out. The meat that had melted in his mouth earlier now poked at his throat like thorns.

***

His stomach felt like it would burst from being so full. Ki Tae-jeong scolded Sehwa for being foolish as he pulled him out of the restaurant, where he had been panting unable to breathe. He had told his to eat it all, yet was getting angry when he did as told. It was puzzling why he was upset. Ki Tae-jeong was definitely acting strange today.

In any case, he was in no state to travel by car and was about to say he needed to stop by a pharmacy. He ignored Sehwa calling out “Um” several times and strode ahead. The employee who had pulled the car up to the alley entrance seemed flustered, but Sehwa was too preoccupied to worry about others.

Unable to even ask where they were going, he diligently followed behind Ki Tae-jeong until they arrived at a familiar street. It was near the lodgings where Sehwa was staying. How did he know this place when he had never told him the address? The question only lasted a moment. It was a foolish question. Of course Ki Tae-jeong would have thoroughly investigated his background before barging into the House. He likely knew not just his home address but even how many spoons he owned.

“It’s probably quite messy since I haven’t been able to come and clean at all lately…”

Sehwa was embarrassed to show his shabby living quarters, but had no choice since Ki Tae-jeong said to get anything he needed while they were out. It felt like this might be his only chance. If nothing else, he really wanted to retrieve his underwear, which Ki Tae-jeong seemed to have no intention of ever providing for him. And the cash hidden in the closet, though it wasn’t even a million won. The locks were so flimsy that the lodging manager might steal it if they knew he had been away for a long time.

“I’ll close the windows once the smell airs out a bit.”

Sehwa left Ki Tae-jeong standing in the narrow entryway and quickly ran to the window. He opened the dusty window wide and hastily folded the blanket. A cold wind blew in, making it hard to believe it was spring.

Though he had clearly asked him to wait, Ki Tae-jeong abruptly stepped inside. As the tall man entered, the studio apartment felt completely filled. Had the ceiling always been this low? Even his own height wasn’t particularly short…

“If you could just wait outside for a moment…”

Unable to overcome his embarrassment, words he hadn’t meant to say flowed out. It was a habit even Sehwa hadn’t known about. Perhaps because customers would scold him if he stayed quiet, he had unknowingly developed this habit.

Ignoring Sehwa’s chattering, Ki Tae-jeong simply surveyed the modest furnishings with an unimpressed gaze. It may look insignificant to him, but Sehwa had only been able to get a private room like this after becoming a senior player.

“You smoke?”

Figuring he might as well do what he needed to since Ki Tae-jeong clearly wasn’t listening to what others say. Sehwa was rummaging through the plastic wardrobe for usable clothes when Ki Tae-jeong suddenly asked incredulously, having made his way to the window.

“Smoking doesn’t suit you at all.”

“…I’m turning 20 this year on Coming of Age Day.”

“…What?”

Sehwa had meant to imply that at 21 he was fully an adult and could smoke if he wanted, but Ki Tae-jeong just rubbed his chin with a stunned expression, as if he’d been hit, mumbling “coming of age…” over and over.

“…I’m even more of a bastard than I thought.”

Ki Tae-jeong fiddled with his thin cigarette pack, lost in sudden self-deprecation. He mumbled “coming of age…” once more.

Sehwa stood up and picked up the lighter sitting on the ashtray. This too was a habit – something to be done automatically for smoking customers or superiors. As Sehwa cupped his hand around the flame to protect it from the wind, Ki Tae-jeong stared at the precarious flame for a moment before slowly bending down. The crisp sound of tobacco igniting rang out. Half of Ki Tae-jeong’s face was tinged dark in the light from the billboard across the street.

A cold gust slipped through the oversized shirt Sehwa wore. Ki Tae-jeong’s uncombed hair fluttered in the wind. The cigarette smoke disappeared in swirling dance as soon as it was exhaled. The weather felt far more like a snowstorm was due than a season for blooming flowers.

“…I was told to give you some breathing space.”

After staring blankly outside for a while, his words were… quite unexpected. Sehwa, who had been fiddling with the tacky lighter engraved with his Samwol(March) nickname, tilted his head slightly, wondering if Ki Tae-jeong was really talking to him.

“If you plan on keeping him around, then give him some room to breath so he doesn’t break.”

Ki Tae-jeong just kept puffing on his cigarette as though he were willing to let today’s bitterness slide for the sake of that advice.

“…Me? You mean me?”

“Who the fvck else is here besides you?”

Sehwa felt a bit dazed as he stole glances at the smoking man’s profile. So when Ki Tae-jeong said he’d tell Sehwa about his parents, then suddenly took him to a restaurant and grilled all that pork, and told him to eat it all alone while he stepped out… was that his way of trying to cheer him up?

Interpreting Sehwa’s stare in some way, Ki Tae-jeong pulled out a cigarette and offered it to him. Sehwa dazedly accepted the cheap cigarette and put it in his mouth. The lighter flashed once more. A red circle was reflected in Ki Tae-jeong’s eyes as he turned to look at him. Sehwa’s image with the cigarette in his mouth was etched like a tattoo within the fading flame’s outline.

As Sehwa inhaled deeply and exhaled the smoke, his stomach discomfort from overeating seemed to settle a bit. It had been a while since he’d smoked, having been cooped up in the office.

As Sehwa focused on inhaling until his cheeks hollowed, he suddenly felt a tingling on the side of his face. Ki Tae-jeong was quietly watching him smoke. Sehwa also kept his eyes on Ki Tae-jeong’s tightly closed lips as he exhaled a long stream of smoke. If he were to open his mouth now, it felt like words of a different color and temperature than before would flow out.

“…Brigadier General.”

Sehwa barely managed to call out to him, scraping together every bit of courage hidden at the bottom of his heart. The instincts honed from countless bets whispered to him. Now. If not now, never.

“I smoke… and I’m good at cursing too.”

“…..”

“…and I don’t cry easily, either.”

“Where’d you learn to lie like that?”

“It’s true. Everyone used to talk behind my back, saying I was creepy because I never showed any emotion.”

Meaningless words flowed out freely. He wasn’t sure if it was the right thing to do, but something inside him was so full that he had no capacity left to swallow his words. Feeling like he might burst open with one nudge, Sehwa decided to blurt out whatever came to mind.

Ki Tae-jeong had deliberately mentioned in front of Sehwa that someone advised him to let him breathe. Sehwa chose to interpret this as him saying he would overlook it if he crossed some lines today. So…

“…Brigadier General.”

Ki Tae-jeong was smoking in Sehwa’s tiny room, wearing comfortable clothes instead of his usual sharply-pressed suit. Though he didn’t respond, he also didn’t rebuke Sehwa for calling him without reason.

“From now on, I won’t talk back no matter what you call me. I’ll do whatever you tell me to, Brigadier General.”

“…..”

“Call me whatever you want. H0le, or f…toy… Because that’s what I am…”

“…..”

“I don’t know how to act cute, but I won’t act up like last time… in the bunker.”

The cutting words Ki Tae-jeong had thrown at him seemed like they would remain forever in a corner of his heart, unmelting like permafrost. The time in the bunker when he had nodded and cried “yes” even while knowing he was being mistreated, when his wrist was twisted behind his back and he was called a wh0re for refusing a kiss – it all still hung over Sehwa’s mind like a nightmare.

However, if grilling meat for him without complaint just now and holding back from yelling at him several times was his way of sending him a signal of goodwill…

Then Sehwa wanted to test it too. To see how far Ki Tae-jeong was willing to let him go. And how far he himself could muster the courage to go. Ever since he had come to his senses and faced Ki Tae-jeong today, the cowardly desire to plead with him to never do that again had been slowly emerging. It was an ignoble determination that surfaced only after Ki Tae-jeong had laid the groundwork by indicating he wouldn’t hurt him.

“I’d rather… not be called by that name. It’s too upsetting. Of course, it’s not for you to worry about my feelings, Brigadier General, but still…”

Sehwa didn’t even hope for an apology. He wasn’t in a position where such a thing was possible to begin with. It didn’t matter anymore if Ki Tae-jeong called him “you” or “hey you” or “Samwol”. Even calling him “Lee Sehwa” was fine now. He just hoped Ki Tae-jeong wouldn’t use it as an obvious means of mockery like he had in the bunker. That would be enough. He didn’t expect anything more than that from this man. If he could just maintain this much, if he would allow him this far, Sehwa felt he wouldn’t crumble any further than he already had. He felt he could endure from now on.

“…Thank you for buying me a meal today.”

Instead of apologizing and bowing his head for refusing to eat with him, he chose to fumble out words of gratitude. Some might laugh and ask what difference it made, but it was Sehwa’s last bit of pride that he wanted to maintain.

“It was delicious. Really…”

Sehwa’s voice trembled slightly at the end. He couldn’t be sure how Ki Tae-jeong would react. Ki Tae-jeong  might burn his eyes out with the cigarette in his hand right then and there.

Ki Tae-jeong simply looked down at Sehwa with inscrutable black eyes. The breath he exhaled, mixed with white mist from the cold, was exceptionally long.

“Open your mouth.”

“…..”

“I said, open your mouth.”

At least it didn’t seem like he intended to tap cigarette ash onto Sehwa’s tongue. As Ki Tae-jeong stubbed out the cigarette in the ashtray, he gave a brief command. Was he going to… kiss him?

“…..”

Sehwa lowered his eyes and obediently parted his lips. Ki Tae-jeong’s unrealistically long eyelashes tickled his cheek. The acrid smoke of cheap cigarettes flowed between their touching lips. It was a kiss that seemed to test Sehwa’s earlier resolve to do anything as long as he didn’t play games with his name. Sehwa refusal to kiss in the bunker must have left quite an impression on Ki Tae-jeong.

“Hold out your arm.”

Ki Tae-jeong beckoned with his finger as he took away the cigarette dangling from Sehwa’s hand. When Sehwa meekly held out his arm, Ki Tae-jeong immediately grasped both Sehwa’s wrists, his fingers intertwining like vines. Sehwa flinched without meaning to. Sehwa wanted to act as calm as possible, but his shoulders kept trembling. A mix of aimless fear, old bitterness, and a childish desire to whine tangled together, simmering in his chest.

“…Uh, uhmm…”

As the cold wind reddened the tip of his nose, cigarette ash fluttered down like fine snow, a faint streetlight came on beyond the alley, and the man’s dry lips swallowed Sehwa whole.

The kiss that began again, as if rewarding him for being good and patient, wasn’t too rough this time. Ki Tae-jeong didn’t twist his wrists either. He just held them firmly, as if to keep him from going anywhere.

Ki Tae-jeong didn’t say a word in response. But Sehwa felt as though he’d already received the answer that he wouldn’t be as cruel as before.