You can support me on Ko-fi
M 141
by SoraiLarge eyes that seem to be studded with stars gaze up at his face intently. Ki Tae-jeong called out the baby’s name in a slightly louder voice, enunciating each syllable clearly.
“Lee Hae-rim.”
“What is it?”
Though he was approaching it with utmost seriousness, Sehwa chuckled, finding something amusing.
“Why?”
“You really sound like a soldier.”
“Well, I am a real soldier…?”
“No, I mean the tone of your voice when calling Hae-rim, it’s like… ‘Lee Hae-rim, attention! At ease!’ That kind of feeling.”
“…Was it?”
“Yes, it was.”
After a brief pause, Sehwa nodded slowly, as if replaying Ki Tae-jeong’s earlier call in his mind.
“Now that Hae-rim’s not crying, I think you can put him down.”
“Really?”
As instructed, Ki Tae-jeong awkwardly bent down while still holding the tiny baby, Hae-rim. As his posture changed, the baby’s vigorous hand movements tickled where he touched.
“Wait. What if he cries again after I put him down?”
“Pardon?”
Just as he was about to lay Hae-rim on the soft bed, Ki Tae-jeong suddenly turned to Sehwa.
“We still haven’t found out why he suddenly cried… What if I lay him down and this time he cries even harder? We’d have no solution then.”
It’s best to prevent problems before they occur. Wouldn’t it be better to keep holding him like this, since it must be hard when such a tiny thing cries frequently? As this sudden thought struck him, leaving him unable to decide what to do, Sehwa approached Ki Tae-jeong with an incredulous look, puffing his cheeks.
“Then you can just pick him up again when that happens. You comfort him when he cries, hold him and tell him he’s pretty, that’s all you need to do.” Speaking as if it were no big deal, Sehwa guided Ki Tae-jeong’s hand.
“He’ll be fine again in no time if you do that.”
Even though there was no strength at all in his gesture, Ki Tae-jeong’s body moved freely as Sehwa pulled and pressed.
The baby’s body, as soft as a stuffed toy, slowly descended onto the ivory-colored bed lined with rabbit, deer, and duck-shaped plush toys.
Contrary to his worries, Hae-rim seemed to remain in a good mood even after being laid down. Landings should always be careful, he suppose. While absentmindedly fiddling with the tips of Hae-rim’s hair, which looked like dandelion fluff, Ki Tae-jeong swallowed the sentimental thought he felt too embarrassed to share with Sehwa.
“Is it okay to leave him like this?”
“Yes, he’ll play well if you turn on the mobile.”
“Do I press this button?”
“Yes. Um… Brigadier General. I’m going to change Hae-rim’s clothes.”
Sehwa asked hesitantly, wondering if he’d like to watch. He had seemed so calm and steady when holding the baby and calling his name, and he was just admiring his composure and strength… but it seems he couldn’t help but be nervous after all. And in Sehwa’s trembling appearance, Ki Tae-jeong felt unmistakable love. Toward the brave Sehwa who kept moving forward despite stumbling, he even had the absurd fantasy of wanting to lean on and embrace the much smaller person for a long time.
“His hands and feet are still so small… they’re really… cute.”
Saying that his tightly clenched fist would be smaller than even his big toe, Sehwa rummaged through the baby’s wardrobe. Inside the warm wooden furniture were neatly arranged items like onesies and hats.
For Sehwa’s sake, who was trying so hard, Ki Tae-jeong also made an effort to act nonchalant. To keep the conversation from flowing into deeper topics, to allow Sehwa to maintain a light attitude toward him.
“…What on earth are these baby clothes?”
However, upon seeing the baby clothes in the wardrobe, a reproachful comment came out naturally, without any effort.
“What’s wrong?”
“It’s just, a bit too…”
It seemed like anything deemed cute was just thrown in there, with colors and designs all over the place. Come to think of it, even now the clothes and hat don’t match at all. Of course, Hae-rim himself was cute enough to make one want to nibble on him, but still…
“Well, when I first saw you, you were dressed oddly too.”
“Ah, that was…!”
Sehwa, who was about to take out a pink hat with rabbit ears, turned to Ki Tae-jeong with a flushed face.
A face of a loved one, no longer tinged with fear even though still somewhat shy of him.
Ki Tae-jeong gazed at Sehwa, who had started to rattle off excuses about the clothes he had worn back then, and laughed again. It was troublesome how often meaningless laughter kept escaping him.
***
The luggage was minimal. Since bulky items like Hae-rim’s bed and sterilizer had been sent ahead, there wasn’t much to carry. All they needed to bring were themselves and Hae-rim.
Ki Tae-jeong, who just two days ago had been holding Hae-rim in only one position, had already become adept at handling the baby. His skill in placing Hae-rim in the small, round car seat that looked like a basket and putting on his mittens seemed even better than Sehwa’s.
Instead of Sehwa, who had hesitated about whether to carry the baby in his arms or risk dropping him while carrying the seat, it was Ki Tae-jeong who confidently grasped the car seat handle and moved it from the car to the mansion.
“The house seems too small.”
“This is plenty enough.”
Ki Tae-jeong looked around the house while patting Hae-rim’s back as he sucked on his pacifier. The lighting seemed worse than expected, this color wasn’t great, that thing wasn’t to his liking… The only things he didn’t criticize were the large bed in the main bedroom and Hae-rim’s bed next to it.
“You’re not busy today?”
“No.”
That was a lie. Since reuniting with Ki Tae-jeong, Captain Park, who usually refrained from urgently calling when they were together, had come looking for him several times in the past few days. Sometimes the alarm on his wristwatch would buzz threateningly. Still, Ki Tae-jeong always said it was fine, that it didn’t matter. He lingered aimlessly by Sehwa and Hae-rim until his worn-out staff pleaded with dying voices.
Lost in these thoughts, Sehwa found himself smiling without realizing it. Who would have thought there’d come a day when he’d use the word “lingering” to describe Ki Tae-jeong?
“Did I mention General Oh Seon-ran is coming this evening?”
“Yes. We planned to have a simple dinner at home.”
Ki Tae-jeong’s hands sped up a bit as he soothed Hae-rim, saying “Is that so?” Since there was no invitation to join, he seemed to be looking for the right timing to linger around.
Of course, Sehwa had no intention of chasing him away, but he didn’t dislike seeing Ki Tae-jeong trying to read his mood. So he pretended not to notice and changed the subject, making pointless comments about how nice the view was or how the many new functions on the controller were confusing.
Ki Tae-jeong searched for faults with eagle eyes, but this house arranged by General Oh Seon-ran was more than Sehwa deserved. Though smaller in scale than Ki Tae-jeong’s mansion-like quarters, it lacked nothing. Sehwa liked that it was close to the hospital so he could rush there anytime if Hae-rim got sick, and the excellent security measures were also appealing.
Sehwa had jumped for joy even when assigned a cramped single-person accommodation, so how could he dislike such a beautiful and wonderful space? He was only grateful and sorry to General Oh Seon-ran, who had bought him a house without even expecting thanks.
“By the way. I’ve been thinking about this for a while…”
That was a bit of an exaggeration. It wasn’t really “for a while,” but rather a random thought that had occurred to him last night while focusing all his nerves on Ki Tae-jeong’s presence as he slept on the living room sofa in the protective room.
“What is it?”
“Well… it’s a bit embarrassing, but…”
“It’s okay, tell me.”
“Promise you won’t laugh,”
“I won’t laugh. What is it?”
“Ah… um, I’m thinking of… learning how to make desserts.”
“Desserts? You mean like baking?”
“Ah, yes… I want to do something after being discharged, but nothing really comes to mind… Still, I thought I might be good at measuring ingredients…”
Ki Tae-jeong, who had been staring at him without saying anything, slowly began to smile. His lips, which had been twitching, curved like a crescent moon, and now he was even laughing out loud.
Sehwa felt a little dejected. He said he wouldn’t laugh. Even though he thought it was an absurd reason himself, there was no need to laugh that much…
“You’re right, that’s true. At least no one could beat you in that field.”
Although still full of laughter, it was more of an endearing feeling than mockery… Sehwa just rubbed his forehead in embarrassment. These days, Ki Tae-jeong often laughed like this.
“Yes, so… Since both General Oh Seon-ran and you said you’d provide reliable sitters, I was thinking of studying in the evenings while leaving Hae-rim with them for a bit. Of course, I think I need to focus more on exercise for now…”
“Are you going to enroll in a vocational school?”
“Well, I’m not confident enough for that yet… For now, just as a hobby…”
“Alright, sounds good. Go for it. Whatever you want, like you said.”
In his 22 years, short as they may be, it’s impossible to immediately shed the things that have been ingrained. Like the sewage that ended up soaking his ankles no matter how much he struggled, the traces of life lived as March in 2-star and 4-star couldn’t be easily erased.
So Sehwa decided not to try to forget forcefully. Neither dwelling on fragments of the past in self-flagellation, nor pretending there was nothing inside by ignoring it… He was in the process of trying to accept that what happened before was also a part of him.
Even with the best treatment, phantom pain remains.
He had tried to live as if he didn’t know Ki Tae-jeong anymore, but the moment he faced him, no thoughts came to mind. He ended up accepting with tears the man who had willingly spilled his blood to protect him.
The same goes for Hae-rim. Now he could risk everything for Hae-rim, but that doesn’t erase the fear and depression he felt when the child first came to him.
The pain that comes like aftershocks is still there. Good and bad aren’t clearly separated. But what’s certain is that things are getting better little by little. He’s reached the point where he can casually bring up and discuss past events with Ki Tae-jeong, and when he looks at Hae-rim, only the word “love” remains.
If he keeps diligently filling in these deeply dug holes, maybe one day he’ll discover a truly healthy and strong self. So Sehwa decided not to hide or be ashamed of his childish idea to learn baking because he’s good at measuring ingredients, nor the reason he became skilled at it.
“Is that a rose?”
Ki Tae-jeong frowned as he looked at the terrace outside the window, which was as large as the living room.
“Why did they plant something full of thorns? What if the baby gets hurt?”
“Hmm, isn’t it still a long way off before Hae-rim could get hurt by rose thorns…?”
“Still.”
Ki Tae-jeong muttered in a serious voice that Sehwa could get pricked while carrying Hae-rim for a walk.
“Do you know how fatal tetanus can be? You could die if not treated quickly.”
It seems he’s seriously considering uprooting all the seedlings, not just nitpicking. Sehwa just hummed, “Hmm.” What should he say in response?
“This won’t do. Move into the officers’ quarters when the weather gets better.”
It was a deflating statement that made all his worries seem pointless. Was this what he wanted to say all along?
“There are no dangerous flowers like that in the quarters.”
“Unless I deliberately fall onto the roses, Hae-rim won’t die from tetanus…”
Even as Sehwa made a small protest, Ki Tae-jeong just repeated that he should move into the quarters. He seemed like someone who had been waiting for the right moment to bring up this topic.
“No matter how safe a civilian building is, can it be better than officers’ quarters?”
“Well, that’s true, but…”
“See, that’s what I mean. Think about it positively. I’m rarely there anyway because I’m so busy.”
For someone who claimed to be busy… Hadn’t he been lounging in the protective room every day? As Sehwa nodded with a slightly disgruntled face, Ki Tae-jeong emphasized once again, as if without a trace of shame, that he was really busy so he and Hae-rim could feel like they were living alone. Really, they say people don’t change. He was a man of unparalleled shamelessness.
“Move in, okay?”
“When the weather gets warmer.”
“Are you serious?”
It was a response as meaningless as Hae-rim’s baby noises. Knowing this, Ki Tae-jeong still persistently clung to Sehwa’s words.
“Are you serious about moving in when the weather gets warmer?”
“Well… It’s still far off, isn’t it?”
“Not that far. It’ll get warm quickly.”
Where his fingertip pointed, there was a well-trimmed giant rose vine. Actually, he didn’t even know it was a rose. He just went along with it because Ki Tae-jeong had said so earlier.
“The thorns have sprouted, so leaves will come next, and then flowers will bloom in no time.”
“…Really?”
“Yes. In countries with unfamiliar climates, I used to gauge the time by looking at flowers or grass. Thinking, ‘Ah, this is a signal that the season is changing.'”
He said that when thorny bushes intertwine, it means flowers will bloom soon.
It means spring is coming…
“…I see.”
Sehwa felt a sudden warmth behind his eyes and tugged at his clothes aimlessly. Ah… An indescribable, bittersweet sensation made his whole body feel tender.
He had never told him that he felt like he only had thorns, yet somehow he brought up this story. How does that man always manage to drop such heartwarming words…
“The baby must be cold.”
Ki Tae-jeong clicked his tongue softly and pressed the controller. An opaque drape covered the huge floor-to-ceiling window, which seemed as tall as the second floor of a normal building, and over it, a cream-colored curtain similar to Hae-rim’s bedding was drawn. Thanks to Ki Tae-jeong’s precise button adjustments, it left just enough gap to pleasantly feel the light.
“You’re right, it must still be cold.”
Even though the windows were sturdy and the heating was working full blast, Sehwa nodded in agreement as he took in the curtains drawn in the living room.
The Hwatu card representing March only has flowers and a curtain drawn on it. The pointed cherry blossoms, emphasized for their geometric characteristics, were red and dark, not pretty at all. No one knows what lies within the suspiciously spread dark canopy. Other players and customers often made jokes trying to put him down, saying that those who came out for flower viewing must be rolling around in there…
Sehwa had wanted to be a different car with people or animals drawn on it. If it couldn’t be less lonely, he at least wished his month could be cool. Even though he knew it was a far-fetched idea.
He had never even dared to hope for such a wonderful and beautiful scenery in his lifetime. If only he could be called Lee Sehwa instead of Samwol, if only he could be a person with a name registered in the resident registry instead of just a player who sold drugs and dealt flower cards until death.
Because he had harbored dreams beyond his station, Sehwa had been in pain all along. In the end, nothing went as he wanted, and the things he gained by chance were somehow broken and shattered, their edges still not whole.
Yet despite how burdensome and painful it was, he didn’t want to let go of anything now. Even though none of it was achieved through his own efforts.
Even while thinking he shouldn’t hope for happiness on top of this, another desire beyond his station was burgeoning. He hoped that tomorrow would be better than today, that his heart would mature even just a little more.
Because of that one casual remark from the man who could swim through the sky like it was the sea, he kept wanting to become happier and happier. Even if he got pricked by sharp thorns and bled sometimes, he felt that if he waited as Ki Tae-jeong said, the day would come when flowers would bloom from his hands too.
“…Brigadier General.”
“Yes?”
“Would you like to stay for dinner?”
“Were you planning to chase me out without even feeding me?”
Sehwa silently shook his head. In Ki Tae-jeong’s eyes that met him, he could see his own reflection smiling with curved eyes.
“Let’s go put Hae-rim down to sleep now.”
“Already?”
“If we keep holding him, he’ll develop bad habits.”
“He’s still so young, a few bad habits won’t hurt,”
“No, we can’t.”
“…Alright.”
Ki Tae-jeong gestured with his chin, saying let’s go inside then.
The edge of the tightly drawn curtain fluttered slightly in the warm breeze circulating through the house. Inside the white and beautiful curtain that no one could peek into, a small world that had become even more solid as its cracks were mended.
Everything that the young Sehwa had longed for was in here.
[The End]
This is the End of the Main Story, but don’t worry there are a lot of side story. There are three parts to the side stories, totaling in 85 chapters😅🙌 Please look forward to it~ Thank you for reading🥰