M 144

‘See? It still hurts.’

‘…’

‘So what more are you trying to do well here?’

It’s okay to cry like this when you want to cry, you’re doing well now. Ki Tae-jeong whispered repeatedly in a monotone voice.

‘If you seemed fine as if you’d forgotten everything, I would have taken you to the hospital right away. That’s a more serious problem.’

‘…’

‘There’s nothing to hide, nothing to blame yourself for.’

‘But still, this is too strange. Yesterday I was fine, I even succeeded at making cream puffs, slept well and woke up… for my mood to suddenly be like this…’

‘That’s why I’m telling you that’s normal? It’s not strange at all.’

Ki Tae-jeong wiped his puffy, swollen face with a damp towel. It was an utterly plain touch that didn’t carelessly embrace him or knead him anywhere like before.

‘Even if you made everything well yesterday, you might ruin it today. There are days like that.’

‘…’

‘And no matter how much you act up, it’ll be more normal than me yelling at my subordinates, so act however you feel like.’

At the man’s indifferent comfort, Sehwa forgot he was crying and ended up laughing softly. Am I really going crazy? Now I’m laughing while crying. As if reading Sehwa’s thoughts, Ki Tae-jeong emphasized once more with force.

‘This won’t do. Repeat after me: I am more normal than Ki Tae-jeong.’

‘…What’s that?’

‘I said repeat it. I am.’

‘…’

‘Quickly. I am.’

‘…I… am.’

‘More normal than Ki Tae-jeong.’

‘More normal… than Ki Tae-jeong…’

‘Normal.’

‘…Normal.’

‘Right.’

Ki Tae-jeong, who had been caring for him while kneeling on one knee, massaged Sehwa’s throbbing ankle as if he knew without being told. Even though there wasn’t a single injured bone or muscle, on days when he sank into depression like this, the damn phantom pain would return. And Ki Tae-jeong would notice Sehwa’s condition immediatly. Even when he wasn’t stammering or crying endlessly, somehow he would notice and gently caress his aching ankle.

‘…Major General.’

‘Hm?’

‘Don’t curse in front of Hae-rim.’

‘Me? When did I curse?’

‘Just now you said ‘yelling.”

When he lowered his voice at that word, Ki Tae-jeong snorted as if absurd, then whispered softly too.

‘Ah, that was me talking about myself.’

‘Still. Hae-rim can see and hear everything now. I heard he understands the feeling of what’s being said.’

When he threatened him with a nasal voice out of embarrassment, Ki Tae-jeong nodded saying he understood. He had been touching Sehwa’s ankle expressionlessly, then suddenly smiled faintly as if remembering something.

‘You did that before too.’

‘Before?’

‘When you were pregnant with Hae-rim.’

‘…Ah.’

‘I was grumbling that he only resembled me in bad ways because he was my blood, but you scolded me for saying such bad things to the baby.’

‘That, that was… that was really a bad thing to say…’

‘Right, I was wrong. Then, and now too.’

‘…’

‘Sorry. Even while watching you cry because you’re having a hard time, I don’t have the slightest intention of letting you go again.’

Ki Tae-jeong whispered while pressing down on his red, swollen eyelids with the cooled towel. The words that followed after a brief silence were in such a small voice, even smaller than the sound of the towel brushing against his face, that he couldn’t tell exactly what he said.

‘What? What did you just say?’

When he asked back, Ki Tae-jeong raised one eyebrow playfully. His slightly twisted lips were full of mischief. It was a boyish moment of the man he hadn’t known before.

‘It was a bad word.’

‘A bad word?’

He said it would be terrible if Hae-rim heard it and averted his gaze. Though he figured he wouldn’t hear anything good if he asked more, Sehwa felt like he might know what he had carefully swallowed. It was probably the same thing he had repeatedly muttered in a moisture-laden voice while embracing him when he confessed that his body had become normal, to Ki Tae-jeong who had a scalpel stuck in his throat instead of him.

Strangely, after that, the days of crying for no reason decreased. It would be a lie to say each day was peaceful, but his emotional ups and downs were definitely less than before.

What if there are frozen places? What if they don’t melt? Just as there can be mountains where snow stays all year round, just as no one finds the existence of eternal snow strange, once he acknowledged that human hearts could be the same way, the obsession that he had to live well as if to show everyone disappeared.

“Still, I should put on some weight…”

Sehwa, who had been chewing on the moist bread, suddenly noticed his stick-thin wrists like tree branches and let out a deep sigh.

Is this also an obsession? When one thing is resolved, another worry immediately rushes in. It seems like a problem of his timid nature…

He doesn’t understand why he’s not gaining weight when he’s tasting sweet things all day. Even though he eats meals and cakes diligently, there’s hardly any sign of becoming plump.

Ki Tae-jeong also nags daily that though his complexion has improved from before, he needs to gain more weight, saying it would be better for his health. It might sound childish, but more than health concerns, he was bothered by how unsightly he looked. When facing someone of sculpted beauty, then seeing his own haggard self in the mirror, he would naturally sigh.

“Maybe it’s because I’m getting older…”

The aunts and uncles at the House used to say that losing baby fat was what made you a real adult. Perhaps in just one year, he had suddenly become an adult. Hmm. Thinking of it that way, his slimmed face didn’t seem so bad either…

– Even on high mountain peaks covered with eternal snow, flowers surprisingly bloom. Breaking through the cracks between cold rocks and ice, the name of this flower that blooms vigorously is…

Just as he was reaching for the remote to change the channel, he heard a cheerful bell sound. Sehwa stopped abruptly and perked up his ears. Who could it be? There’s no one who would come at this time…? As he tilted his head and was about to head to the entrance, Ki Tae-jeong’s warning suddenly came to mind, so he first grabbed his phone.

Not only Ki Tae-jeong but also General Oh Seon-ran, and even their adjutants emphasized it endlessly. Though it was a mansion boasting high security levels, just in case, never carelessly open the door for anyone.

The only person who might come now was Ki Tae-jeong, but all the cars he liked to drive were already registered as visiting vehicles. If the visitor were Ki Tae-jeong, an entry notification should have appeared on the controller long ago. It didn’t seem likely he would walk all the way here from the office… Who could it really be?

Sehwa tiptoed deep into the kitchen and carefully called Ki Tae-jeong.

– Yeah.

Fortunately, his voice came through before the signal even went through.

“Major General, it’s me…”

– What is it? Is Hae-rim next to you?

He lowered his voice too, asking why he was suddenly whispering.

“Ah, that’s not it. There was no notification on the controller but the entrance bell rang… I haven’t checked the screen yet, but I came to the kitchen first to call you. Because you told me to do this last time…”

– Ah.

Ki Tae-jeong laughed briefly and told him to check his messages first. Sehwa’s face brightened belatedly as he tapped his phone screen with curiosity.

[Off work.]

[Today I’m coming in an unregistered car so the controller notification won’t ring.]

[Arriving in 5 minutes. Check the lobby entry and vehicle confirmation. Car number 5-1-14]

[Coming up now. When the bell rings, call me for confirmation and then open the door.]