M 171

I’ve been thinking lately… no, actually, I’ve been imagining it alone for quite some time, but I think it would be nice to have a second child.

No, I wish we could have one.

I used to say, as a habit, that when I become a citizen of the Star and build my own family, I would treat them the best in the world, but I didn’t really expect that day to come.

I thought I would have used up all the luck in my life just by paying off my debt quickly and getting my resident ID, let alone having a family.

I felt like if I coveted even that, things wouldn’t work out.

But if I let these inner thoughts out, I would feel too pathetic… I never really expected it, but I just blabbered on for no reason.

But now, a life with family is no longer an excessive dream!

I hope there will be more and more people in the world that I cherish and love.

I once read a book about ‘compensation psychology’.

It said that people who had an unfortunate childhood, like me, tend to pour what they wanted as a child into their family, friends, or children.

Maybe that’s true.

Because I’ve been lonely and had a hard time, I’ve developed a childish desire to increase the number of people in my circle, even now.

I want to love my family very, very much.

I don’t know if I’m qualified to raise a second child, but because I have Lieutenant General who just says yes to everything I do, I’m going to take courage again this time.

When he comes home from work, I’m going to tell him that let’s have a second child, and that I’m even thinking about a third.

Wow, just imagining it makes me so nervous and excited!

Hae-rim is going to have a sibling!

Can I do well?

♥Today’s grateful thing: I have the time to make family planning.

I know a child won’t magically appear just because I want one, but isn’t it really something to be thankful for that I can even dream such a dream?

♥Today’s happy thing: I had a happy time imagining the name of my second child alone.

I hope it’s a name that doesn’t matter what gender the child is, and I want to give them a good name that can fully contain Lieutenant General’s heart for the child.

I’m really looking forward to the moment when I get to worry about the names of Lieutenant General and our second child.

*

I got scolded a lot by Lieutenant General yesterday….

Before I could even finish saying that I wanted to have a second child, Lieutenant General flatly said no, absolutely not.

Lieutenant General told me to think about my health, that just imagining me lying on the operating table makes his blood run cold, and that he can’t stand to see me like that.

A baby isn’t a toy… and I don’t want to have a second child so badly that I would stubbornly insist even if Lieutenant General said he didn’t want to.

So I said I understood, that I was grateful he was thinking about my health, and that I was sorry for being so immature, but strangely, after I apologized, Lieutenant General seemed to be in an even worse mood.

Kissing a few times before going to bed and falling asleep with our bodies pressed together was the same as usual, but it felt awkward and uncomfortable.

Usually, it was comfortable just being together without saying anything, but yesterday, even when Lieutenant General made jokes, it felt like I was back in the days when he was just difficult and scary….

Should I send Lieutenant General a message after I finish writing in my diary?

Until yesterday afternoon, I was sending meaningless messages like I’m bored or sleepy, but now I’m a little hesitant.

Of course, Lieutenant General hasn’t contacted me at all either….

It’s strange.

Lieutenant General keeps not doing that….

I still fall asleep in Lieutenant General’s arms and kiss him when our eyes meet, but that’s it.

Come to think of it, the number of kisses has decreased significantly.

It’s not as awkward and uncomfortable as the morning after I said I wanted to have a second child, but if I feel like Lieutenant General is distancing himself from me since then… am I being too sensitive?

But every morning (actually, in the evening or at night too), Lieutenant General’s hardened thing pokes my body, but it always ends with just a kiss… so I’m a little embarrassed.

It’s not like he’s not getting hard, but he doesn’t want to do it with me even though his body is reacting…?

I heard that the number of times you do it naturally decreases after you get married, so could it be that Lieutenant General is going through such a period?

There were times when I pretended to be asleep because I was too tired, but it’s not like I really hated doing it with Lieutenant General….

The number of times was excessive, and the good feeling was too much, so I whined that I felt like I was going to die if it went on like this, but I definitely didn’t want Lieutenant General to not even touch me like this.

He used to suck and kiss me everywhere, front and back, until my skin was swollen, but now he only gives me a kiss or two like kids do.

He said he would rather gouge out his own eyes than break up with me….

I’m sad that Lieutenant General seems to be going through a relationship slump alone….

*

Lieutenant General has definitely changed.

It seems that my saying I wanted to have a second child was a big deal to Lieutenant General.

Before that, Lieutenant General was no different from usual.

Yesterday, we almost went all the way, but he held back as if he had belatedly come to his senses.

Even though the veins on his forehead and neck were standing out in blue.

It seems like he still wants to do it with me… what could be the reason why he’s hesitating so much?

I guess he’s not doing it because he’s worried about another child being born.

But… we use condoms every time, and Lieutenant General is taking medicine and getting injections separately, so what is he worried about?

We’ve done it so many times since Hae-rim was born, and there haven’t been any problems.

I’ve been writing in my diary every day for years, trying to think of thankful and happy things even on days when my heart is cold for no reason, but I haven’t been feeling energetic lately….

I hate Lieutenant General a little.

No, actually a lot… I hate him… I feel like I’m going to die because I hate him….

*

I went to the bookstore after a long time.

Hae-rim was worried that I looked sad these days, so I decided to focus on something else.

I bought a new series of spelling books, a hologram collection of bakeries around the world, and a history book.

They’re textbooks that kids use at school, but I’m proud that I can understand this much now.

And I picked up a book with slightly provocative advertising copy.

It was said to be a secret book to revitalize a loose marital relationship, and someone I’ve seen on TV a few times wrote it with their know-how, so I was tempted.

Lieutenant General hates self-help books and this kind of book (specifically, writers who talk like scammers), but Lieutenant General is so busy these days that it’s hard to even see his face….

I’ll have to study alone while looking at various books and calm my mind.

Having too many thoughts is bad for your mental health.

♥Today’s grateful thing: I was a little gloomy these days, but I’m still able to cheer up right away without being as depressed as I used to be.

I’m grateful that I’m becoming a little bit stronger and healthier than before, and that I have the circumstances to do so.

♥Today’s happy thing: Hae-rim sang ‘Dad, cheer up’ after eating breakfast.

He was so cute that I took a video to send to Lieutenant General, but… I haven’t sent it yet.

I think I need a little more courage to send the message.

Lieutenant General couldn’t come home for a few days because of training instruction.

I was a little suspicious that an officer, especially a Lieutenant General, was directly instructing training, but I decided to believe Captain Park’s sigh that Lieutenant General was the only one who could handle the new fighter jet.

Anyway, Lieutenant General said he would be back late tomorrow evening, so I’m thinking of taking that opportunity.

The book said so too.

It’s not strange for me to ask why we’re not doing that first, or to ask to do it!

Now that we’re married, I’m going to be proactive.

So I’m going to be a smart husband who takes the lead in the relationship.

☆ Tomorrow’s plan ★

1. Get Lieutenant General drunk (I didn’t know this, but alcohol is said to reduce virility a bit. That’s great! To be honest, Lieutenant General can lose a lot of virility or energy….) And don’t go to the department store, and secretly buy alcohol with my emergency fund so that Lieutenant General doesn’t know that I’ve prepared something as much as possible.

2. When the atmosphere softens, hold Lieutenant General’s hand tightly, look him in the eye, and carefully ask if he’s upset with me these days.

3. If Lieutenant General suddenly asks why, say that I’m upset because he hasn’t been trying to do it with me lately. (If there was an unavoidable reason why he was avoiding it, I’ll listen carefully)

4. (Probably) If Lieutenant General is embarrassed, as a finishing blow, call him ‘honey’ or ‘dear’ and ask one last time if there’s a reason why he’s avoiding penetration. (He’s always wanted to hear me say things like honey, dear, Tae-jeong… so wouldn’t he like it?)

5. Finish the conversation well (?) and if he was worried about me saying I wanted to have a second child, explain again that I really don’t want it and that it’s okay.

6. Finally, give Lieutenant General more alcohol to reduce his virility a little more. (So that it only ends once or twice)

♥Today’s grateful thing: I had dinner at my father’s residence, and he gave me a lot of pretty notebooks and pens as a gift.

I said that I’ve been writing in my diary for quite a while, and my father said that he used to like writing and had a collection of stationery, so he gave me a lot.

They’re precious items that I can tell he’s been carefully keeping for a long time, so I can’t just use them carelessly.

I’ll have to pass them on to Hae-rim when he goes to school later.

♥Today’s happy thing: I decided to talk to Lieutenant General openly and honestly, and I felt a little better after making these plans.

It seems like it’s the first time I’m doing something rash to Lieutenant General… will it work?

Will he like it if I call him honey or dear?

I’m suddenly very nervous….