RSL Ch 64

I laughed halfheartedly at his joke, but part of me wondered if it might actually be true.

“Yeah, maybe it was.”

After graduating law school, there were only two chances to take the bar exam. Han Jae-yi spent most of his time goofing off, yet managed to pass the first exam on his first try. I remembered my 25-year-old self bragging to my colleagues about my friend’s success. I often thought it was cool to watch Han Jae-yi, who always seemed to live life on his own terms, slowly becoming an adult. But I guess I had already fallen for him even back then.

“I’m going to the bathroom, so eat slowly.”

Han Jae-yi got up and went inside the house. The knife and fork neatly placed on his plate indicated that he had finished eating. I put the last piece of jam-covered bread he’d left into my mouth. I was starting to feel full too.

I shooed away a bird that had landed on the table and stacked the empty plates. Then I drank both glasses of water that had been poured. Just then, someone came out of the building across from us, and I exchanged a brief nod before starting to clear the table in earnest.

“Why? Aren’t you going to eat more?”

Han Jae-yi came back outside and took the plates from me.

“I’m full.”

I threw away the leftover food and piled the dishes on the kitchen counter. Even the old kitchen without a dishwasher resembled the apartment from 11 years ago.

The living room with a small fan and a two-seater sofa. It was a daily occurrence to find Han Jae-yi asleep there when I came home. Whenever I recalled his presence, which had blended into my life like air, I found myself immersed in the sentiments of those days. Was it because of the weather? My head felt full of warm, moist air.

“I’ll shower first.”

I said, placing my hand on Han Jae-yi’s shoulder as he entered the kitchen. He seemed to think for a moment before pulling me into an embrace.

“Hmm?”

“Let’s just stay like this for a bit.”

I stood there and let him embrace me. We shared body heat with our chests pressed together, and I felt his gentle breath on my earlobe.

“Why…”

“Just… thinking about the old days makes me lose my senses.”

It seemed he too was bound by the same memories as me, turning back the hands of time. Or perhaps he was imagining another version of us existing somewhere in a different space and time.

In that parallel universe, were the 20-year-old you and I already embracing each other? Was it you who confessed your feelings first there too? Or was it my first-ever rebellious act, unaccustomed to emotional vulnerability?

They say life is an organism woven from coincidences. If our love had started back then, would we still be together today, never having broken up?

Connecting with Han Jae-yi felt like a miracle to me, and I couldn’t afford to miss even a single coincidence that led us here. That’s why the 20-year-old Han Jae-yi, whom I could never claim even if I went back in with a time machine, would always remain a dreamlike mirage to me.

“I’m glad,” I said aloud, concluding my private thoughts.

“About what?”

“If we had started these feelings earlier, I don’t think we would have worked out well. If one of us had realized too soon, the other might not have been ready. If I had confessed that I thought of you as more than a friend when we were 20…”

“I would have climbed on top of you while you were sleeping crumpled up on the bed and kissed you.”

He cut off my words and said something ridiculous.

“Really. The reason I said I can’t get my head straight being here is because I’m so envious of my past self. You were softer and cuter then than you are now. I should have asked to sleep together more when I had the chance. I should have hugged you and touched you more instead of being so reserved.”

Han Jae-yi came to the opposite conclusion from me about the same hypothesis. He always had this certainty about our relationship.

“That’s not to say the time when we were friends wasn’t great. We have so many memories we couldn’t have made if we weren’t friends. It’s just that when I think about the old days sometimes, I can’t help but envy my past self. I want to possess all of the past Seo-jin too.”

Yeah, we think alike on that part. I also envied my past self, aimlessly lounging on the sofa with Han Jae-yi, the poor law student.

“So you don’t like the current me?”

Even as I said it, I felt embarrassed. It was like blatantly asking, ‘Am I not pretty now?’ It was a shallow tactic, revealing an intention to sulk immediately if the other person didn’t give the expected answer to a question with a predetermined answer.

“Hmm, the current you is insanely sexy.”

With those words, he pressed his lips against mine. He gently pulled my head closer, sliding his tongue into my mouth. A sweetness different from what I could taste spread through my mind, evoking images of candy, honey, chocolate, and cocoa.

I think I need to take back what I said about envying my past self. I liked the present where I could touch and kiss him. Han Jae-yi seemed to feel the same as he headed towards the bed while our lips were still locked. I toppled over him, claiming the top position, and stretched out my arms to wrap around his neck and waist. We shared a kiss so intense that moans escaped through our teeth.

A kiss more intense than s3x and more overwhelming than a confession of love. It was a birthday gift I could only receive at this place, at this time, today.

* * *

We fell asleep just like that, with our bodies intertwined. When I woke up, it was already dusk. I was lying face down on Han Jae-yi’s chest, and he was gently combing his fingers through my hair. The place was so old and poorly soundproofed that I could hear the rain through the wall rather than the window.

“I’m cold.”

At those words, Han Jae-yi embraced me with his arms and kissed my forehead. Then he pulled up the blanket caught at our feet to cover my back.

I put my hands, which had been outside, under the blanket and thawed the cold under his soft, warm buttocks. I buried my lips on his firm chest and licked with my t0ngue to return as much warmth as I had taken from him. I stopped the caress just as his hand, which had been touching my hair, started to tighten its grip. As the bed became sufficiently warm, hunger set in.

“I’m hungry.”

Han Jae-yi laughed at me, cold and hungry. If we washed up and went out for dinner, it seemed we’d have just about enough time until the screening. I barely managed to get up, shed the blanket that had been wrapped around me like a sloth, and headed to the bathroom.

Could I be coming down with a cold? That suspicion doubled when the hot shower water hit my shoulders. I felt a tickle in my nose as I smelled the fishy scent of lime scale in the water after a long time.

When I came out of the bathroom and changed into fresh underwear, I sneezed, arousing Han Jae-yi’s suspicion. If the cold symptoms worsened, I’d have to report to the company immediately. I took some emergency medicine from my cabin bag and dried my hair.

We left the house an hour later. We walked to Centrum under an umbrella. He put his arm around my shoulder and pulled me closer under the large umbrella. The problem was not the rain but the water dripping from the umbrella. His shoulders and pant legs were getting wet, but the only action he took was to hug my shoulder tighter.

After walking for about 10 more minutes, we arrived at a modern building. As we entered the entrance of a large restaurant, the reception manager greeted us.

“I have a reservation. The name is Han.”

I had thought we were just entering a restaurant we came across, but Han Jae-yi surprised me again. Well, it was too upscale a restaurant to have just stumbled upon. The manager, who had scanned the list of reservations, smiled and confirmed the name.

“Alright. You have a non-smoking table. Please follow me.”

In the center was a marble bar counter, and two-person tables were arranged along the windows. The manager passed by those and led us to a sofa seat in the back where dimmer lighting shone. I felt a sense of security in the space where the front, back, and one side wall were completely closed off.

“Shall I take your coat?”

“Ah, thank you.”

I fidgeted with my nose as I watched the manager take my rain-soaked trench coat. If he had told me in advance, I would have worn better clothes. I was wearing just a gray cardigan over a shirt that had been crumpled in my suitcase for hours.

“If you’re going to take me to nice places from now on, please tell me in advance.”

Han Jae-yi laughed at my reproachful comment as he sat down across from me.

“What, did you think I’d suggest we go eat Dutch potatoes on your birthday?”

I actually would have preferred that. I was being swept along by Han Jae-yi’s birthday events, which had started on the plane. Just before we left the house earlier, I received a gift of custom-made shoes with my name engraved. I hoped this fancy restaurant, which I didn’t even know when he had reserved, would be the last surprise of the day.

Surely there wasn’t anything else waiting tomorrow. I thought it might be fortunate that it kept raining.

I shook my head when the manager asked if we wanted wine. Han Jae-yi frowned as he watched me order tea, which didn’t suit the setting at all. His large palm immediately touched my forehead, then slid down to my cheek, before flipping over to check my temperature with the back of his hand.

“No fever. Is it a seasonal cold?”

“Maybe. My nose feels a bit stuffy. My throat hurts too.”

“It scares me when someone who rarely gets sick falls ill. Maybe we should have gone to a hotel after all. Want to move now?”

“No, I like that house. It brings back old memories. I’ve taken medicine, so I should be fine.”

Although Han Jae-yi agreed, he kept fussing over me. Even as our drinks were being served, he would touch my forehead and cheek with the back of his hand whenever he got the chance. I didn’t particularly stop him, perhaps enjoying being cared for.

The food arrived. I poured a generous amount of roux sauce over the grilled chicken. The thick chicken breast was tender inside and full of juices. The lightly blanched vegetables were also perfectly seasoned with salt. I tore the crispy milk bread in half and used it to mop up the sauce on the plate.

“Come to think of it, I’ve given you many birthday events, haven’t I?”

“Yes.”

“Which one do you remember the most?”

“Are you asking about the most memorable one, regardless of whether I liked it or not?”

Han Jae-yi shook his head with a smile.

“No, that would hurt my feelings. Tell me about the one you liked the most.”

“Hmm… I think it was the very first birthday you celebrated with me. You brought me to your house and cooked a meal, saying I had to eat seaweed soup on my birthday.”

***

It was either a Saturday or Sunday when he came to find me after hearing about my birthday from a classmate, asking me to go to his house for lunch. He might have forgotten, but I remember the boy who carefully watched my reaction as he explained that in Korea, people eat seaweed soup on their birthdays, asking if I disliked seaweed.

The taste didn’t quite match my expectations, probably because it was a dish I hadn’t eaten in so long. Still, he sat next to me, chattering away about why this food is eaten on birthdays.

I later found out that you had lied, saying that seaweed soup wasn’t sold in restaurants and had to be made by hand. Sometimes, Han Jae-yi’s way of comforting me was so delicate that it hurt.

“Honestly, you’ve done so much for me that I worry if I’ll be able to repay it all before I die.”

“Is that so? Then you’ll have to live a long life, Seo-jin.”

He joked back, once again checking my forehead for fever. Then he gestured to someone.

A waiter approached, took away our clean plates, and brought the bill. Only after the table was completely cleared and the credit card receipt was signed could we get up. It was amusing that after spending just a few months in Korea, I was already feeling impatient about the time it took to settle the bill at the table.

We took our umbrella and stepped back out onto the street. We walked along the canal in Amsterdam, mixed with the smell of limestone. Unable to find a place called Eslan in our search, we were heading to Soho House. The night streets of Europe, which don’t use white fluorescent lights, were always darker and less saturated than those in Asia.

I wondered if the sight of two men sharing an umbrella didn’t feel so strange because we were in a place where drugs and prostitution were legal. Perhaps it was the reassurance provided by the anonymity of being in a place that was neither our hometown nor where we had lived, but we walked with our shoulders closer than when we first left the house, and even shared light kisses.