RSL Ch 76

After that day, a slight distance grew between us. We ate together and slept in the same bed, but we spoke as little as possible except when necessary. There were many times when an awkward silence flowed. Unable to stay by his side like this, I had to fly again today for a 3-day schedule.

“Hello. I’m Schmitz, the captain of CR711 flight to Hanoi today. There’s nothing special, so let’s start the flight briefing right away. Co-pilot.”

“Ah, yes.”

At the gathering where everyone had assembled for the overall briefing, I spoke with an emotionless expression, like a wind-up doll that had run out of energy. The 10 crew members quietly continued their reports while watching my mood. For a moment, I felt sorry and forced a smile on my face, but it didn’t last long. I was sinking, unable to lift my falling mood.

“You don’t seem to be in good condition.”

Co-pilot Jeon Seong-wook spoke to me as I was moving to the gate after the briefing. It was fortunate that I was paired with him today.

“Yes. I’m not feeling great because of some personal issues that aren’t going well.”

“You had a fight with your girlfriend, huh.”

I suddenly looked up at him. It was surprising that he guessed the reason accurately, and I was also surprised that he knew I was seeing someone.

“I heard it from Min-woo.”

“Ah…”

I nodded in understanding. And then I fell back into thought. ‘Had a fight with girlfriend.’ It was sad that those simple words couldn’t fully express everything.

“Thank you for your hard work. I’ll submit the maintenance log.”

I received the logbook from the maintenance engineer who entered the cockpit. The aircraft inspection was quickly completed, and the hydraulic system was activated.

I had entrusted both takeoff and landing to Hanoi to Co-pilot Jeon Seong-wook. Although I wasn’t usually talkative, the co-pilot pretended not to notice that I was even less talkative today. After saying out the call signs necessary for takeoff and the plane raised its landing gear, I completely closed my mouth. My mind was complicated.

“Auto-pilot set.”

“I’ll go to the restroom for a moment.”

As soon as the manual mode was deactivated, I immediately unbuckled my seat belt and stood up from the pilot’s seat. I washed my face with the weakly flowing water from the sink. I thought again about Han Jae-yi’s and my daily life up until yesterday.

He was still busy. The days he came home drunk also increased. When he steadied his swaying body and climbed onto the bed, he would hold me and not let go. Then I would quietly fall asleep in his arms, addicted to that whiskey smell.

It had been a long time since we had s3x. We didn’t even call each other’s names much. So that embrace was the only hope. It was the only evidence that he still wanted to share body heat with me.

Han Jae-yi’s stress seemed to worsen day by day. No, it looked that way. Since he didn’t say it directly, I couldn’t know the truth. His work phone calls that I occasionally overheard always ended badly. He struggled with the differences in corporate culture between Europe and Korea. Lawyer Choi Jeong-yeon tried to mediate in between, but it didn’t seem easy.

When I tried to say something out of concern while watching him, he politely refused with a smile. As if he had noticed that I disliked his business, he drew a line telling me not to say anything. Thanks to that, the stress was also spreading to me.

“Haa…”

I sighed while looking at the mirror in the bathroom. A week passed like that, and then another week. When I returned home after finishing a long-distance flight last week, I despaired looking at the cold living room that seemed like no one lived there. Han Jae-yi no longer cooked or watched TV.

I wanted to talk with him. But at the same time, I was afraid. The past few conflicts had made me realize that I was a less mature person than I thought I was. I became a slave to emotions I had never felt before, unable to filter what I should and shouldn’t say.

Han Jae-yi must have also learned something about himself during that time. Having discovered a fatal weakness he didn’t know about himself, he couldn’t try anything rashly. For such reasons, we essentially fell into an uncomfortable stalemate in our relationship.

* * *

Hanoi Airport was in full peak season. Planes were constantly taking off and landing, filled with tourists coming to enjoy Vietnam’s autumn, which wasn’t too hot. Although we were assigned a landing runway, there was no empty gate, so we couldn’t connect to a bridge. So we used a stair car and took a bus to the terminal.

After finishing the immigration process, Co-pilot Jeon Seong-wook approached and carefully asked,

“Even if you’re not feeling well, please have dinner, Captain.”

“Ah, yes. Of course. Let’s go together.”

Lost in thought, I welcomed his suggestion. I haven’t been to Hanoi much, so I don’t know where or what to eat. If he would join me, there was no reason to refuse.

The room condition after checking in at the hotel was very good. They must have given us a junior suite because the bed was quite large and the bathroom was wider than the bedroom in a Korean house. I sat on the edge of the large bathtub while unbuttoning my uniform. The feeling of the carpet under my feet was nice, so I took off my socks.

Han Jae-yi said he wouldn’t go to work today. That brief morning greeting where we simply shared each other’s schedules was the beginning and end of our conversation. I opened my phone and called him. It wasn’t because I had something to say. I wanted to let him know that I was trying for him.

– Yeah. Did you arrive?

I heard the sound of typing on a laptop, but it soon stopped. He must have been working.

“I’m at the hotel now. Were you busy even though you didn’t go to work?”

– A bit. Dinner?

“About to eat now. You?”

– Not really thinking about it.

I wish he would eat properly. I swallowed my words, thinking it might sound like nagging.

“I just called. You can hang up if you’re busy.”

I prepared an escape route, preemptively getting scared again.

– It’s okay. Who are you eating with? The co-pilot?

“Yeah. Co-pilot Jeon Seong-wook. Remember him?”

– I remember. He came to the housewarming with ‘that person,’ right? Saying they were friends.

Because of that man he referred to as ‘that person,’ I had to choose my words even more carefully. It’s strange. Did I commit so many sins against Han Jae-yi?

– Eat something delicious. Remember you can’t eat cilantro, so ask them to remove it beforehand. Don’t drink too much.

His voice still caring about my taste and his usual advice not to drink too much sounded especially welcome today.

“Okay, I will.”

So I didn’t give my usual response of saying I’d take care of it myself. I’ll do as you say. So I hope you’ll grant me one thing I want too.

“Jae-yi.”

– Yeah?

“… The return flight is around 5 PM the day after tomorrow. Will you come pick me up? And then shall we go on a date?”

He laughed softly. I felt nervous and tense, as if I was asking for a partner at a graduation party. I held my breath, waiting for his answer.

– Okay. Let’s go on a date. We’ll have dinner together and go see a movie too.

Only then could I smile too. And before I forgot, there was one more thing I needed to ask.

“Don’t make a restaurant reservation. I’ll do it. Let me do it.”

I wanted to save Han Jae-yi the trouble of making a reservation somewhere again, which he would surely do. He laughed even more lightly at my urgency, repeating the same thing twice, and said okay. I quietly smiled too, rubbing the soft carpet on my feet.

“I’ll hang up now. Go work.”

– Okay.

But he didn’t hang up. I couldn’t put down my phone either. We were silent for a few seconds, listening to each other’s breathing coming through. And when he finally hung up, I knew. My love for Han Jae-yi wasn’t subsiding. It had grown so big that it was swelling up, too much for me to handle.

His wish to see me crumble had come true. I had completely crumbled with nothing left. Strangely, I was feeling like I was in unrequited love with him again.

The place Co-pilot Jeon Seong-wook and I went to was an upscale restaurant next to the hotel. After choosing the menu, we ended up ordering Vietnamese rolls and pho, sharing half each. Unlike me, he said he liked cilantro, so I pushed the vegetable plate towards him, telling him to eat a lot. Seeing my expression that seemed a bit better than before, Co-pilot Jeon Seong-wook also continued his story comfortably.

“… So seeing my wife every other week makes me miss her more. When we lived together, we fought almost every day, but now that she’s out of sight, I do miss her a bit? Haha.”

Is that so? Was it because we spend too much time together that we clash like this? When the co-pilot said he even does events he usually doesn’t do for his pregnant wife, I asked what he had done recently.

“There’s a place where I proposed. It’s a place that makes good French food, and since it was also our 3rd wedding anniversary, I took her there to eat. It has a great view of Seoul’s night scenery, so the atmosphere is nice too. Ah, do you want to take your lover there? It’s really romantic. Events are the best when you’ve had a fight.”

“Hmm… I’m not sure.”

I felt a bit embarrassed. That’s because Han Jae-yi was a man, and if anything, he was usually the one doing these events, not me. I, who liked a simple and plain daily life, always felt burdened by his actions. So it’s true that I had never shown a genuinely happy face. This way, I discovered one more crime I had committed.

“Could I know the name of that place?”

Regardless of the reason, I wanted to take Han Jae-yi there because he likes French cuisine. It would be nice to enjoy molecular cuisine while drinking the white wine he likes. The night view of Seoul is best seen from 5,000 feet in the air, but since that’s not feasible, I would be happy to enjoy it together even in this way.

I wish I could hold his hand. I wanted to hug him when he’s not drunk. If possible, I wanted to feel a short kiss too.

I wanted to hear him say he loves me again.