RSL Ch 78

“Wait. Is it over after you’ve said your piece? I don’t know what kind of misunderstanding you have, but it’s all wrong. Everything from start to finish.”

Han Jae-yi turned and looked at me. Then he glanced at my hand holding his arm. He didn’t move anymore, as if willing to be held. So I held him even tighter. Don’t shake me off, listen to me. At this point, we had to dig to the deepest place. And we had to uproot this discord.

“I don’t understand why we have to be like this. We say we understand each other, but we’re not reaching the core at all. What’s your complaint? Are you upset because I’ve hidden a lot without telling you?”

Han Jae-yi’s eyes, staring at me while his arm was held, were calmly settled. It was difficult to read his gaze. So I continued speaking faster, more hurriedly.

“I told you. I had forgotten about meeting Gisella. I didn’t want to create unnecessary noise either. It’s the same with Co-pilot Cho Min-woo. I know full well you don’t like it, so should I pour oil on the fire? Don’t say such nonsense. You wouldn’t have said anything if you were me. I know it’s uncomfortable. I understand. But that doesn’t mean we can do everything as you please. You know that. Are you listening?”

“Go on.”

He stared at me with an expressionless face. His voice was cold. I bit my lip and continued speaking. There was no room for choosing peaceful and gentlemanly words. Under the pressure to make excuses, my mind was already in a blackout state.

“Not taking any action while knowing that you and Gisella would soon talk about me when we met was the best I could do at that time. I was in unrequited love with a friend of 15 years, do you think I had the peace of mind to act composed? Keeping my pride was the only defense I could have in that hell. Don’t you understand?”

“Well, was that really the best you could do?”

Han Jae-yi’s voice was settled like sediment. Then he quietly removed his arm from my grip and headed to the kitchen. He poured high-proof gin into soda water with ice. It’s a quick and simple way to get drunk. After downing it in one go, he turned back to me and continued speaking.

“If we were just ordinary friends, I would have understood what you’re saying. But you and I were special. We weren’t the kind of relationship that would fall apart if you confessed. Moreover, if you had given even a hint, we wouldn’t have had to come this far around. Both Gisella and I could have had a cleaner ending.”

“Are you blaming me for your broken engagement now?”

I raised my voice. I knew that because of this, I was rapidly losing my rationality. In contrast, Han Jae-yi was still calm and quiet. He glanced at me obliquely, swirling the glass with unmelted ice.

“Can you say you have no responsibility at all? I came back to Korea, solely because of you. From that point on, you also have a moral responsibility. You disappeared from my side on your own. Without explanation or excuse. Don’t think I didn’t anticipate your reaction. Put your hand on your heart and tell me honestly. Have you never once imagined the possibility of us being together? Can you swear that the idea of me accepting you was something you couldn’t even dream of?”

I frowned at his words. No, I couldn’t swear to it. I vaguely felt that Han Jae-yi liked me more than just a friend. However, I didn’t know if it was a strong enough emotion for him to be fully aware of it himself.

But did that mean I had to take moral responsibility for their broken engagement? It was ridiculous. After all, it was Han Jae-yi himself who had started it all.

“You betrayed me first by saying you’d marry someone else.”

“Betrayal? Wow… Now you’re finally using the right words. Fine, okay. I betrayed you.”

He leaned slightly against the island bar, tapping his finger on the glass. It’s something Han Jae-yi often does when he’s deep in thought.

“You’ve been constantly angry. You must have been furious that I dared to bring someone else into my life besides you. You probably intended to torment me by bringing up the fact that I had tried to get married. You wanted to hold onto my weakness and use it to bring me down whenever a situation arose that didn’t suit you.”

The powerful weapon that had silenced him last time came back like a boomerang to stab me. But I didn’t even have the luxury to feel hurt. Han Jae-yi hadn’t been waiting for my silence since earlier. So I hurriedly picked up where he left off.

“Don’t say such nonsense. Let me say it again, I didn’t do anything. I did nothing to damage our friendship or affect your marriage. I didn’t make any mistakes, even up to the last moment when I was so tired I thought about throwing it all away. So don’t pin this on me. This is all something you brought upon yourself. I’ve never treated you like a criminal. If your conscience is making you feel like one, that’s a different story.”

“Right. It’s all my responsibility. It’s all because of my impulsive choice that I started something I couldn’t handle, followed you to Korea, and ended up in this state. Is that all you can think? Does it make you feel better thinking that I’ll live like this, feeling guilty for the rest of my life?”

Contempt. Feeling this emotion I had never experienced before from Han Jae-yi, I started to twist severely. Before we knew it, we were snarling at each other. Neither he nor I looked back. We didn’t check each other’s state, like fools who only think about who will plant the flag first while running forward.

“It was your choice to break off the engagement and quit your job. I’m really sorry that you’re struggling with work that doesn’t suit you because of that. I’m very sorry that your relationship with your family has soured, very. I’m also quite sorry that I can’t do anything for you except offer comfort! But what can we do? It’s already happened. Don’t try to pick a fight with me for no reason, take responsibility for what you’ve done.”

After saying that, I walked to the kitchen. I snatched the glass of alcohol Han Jae-yi was holding and threw it into the sink. I couldn’t stand to see him drinking.

“Stop hanging out with those mediocre people and drinking. It’s not like you need money so badly that you have to earn it that way. What’s this nonsense about having tens of billions in inheritance? If you want self-realization, look for something else to do.”

Unrefined words bounced out of my head like beads, rolling all around. I hurled at him harsh words that even parents wouldn’t say, far surpassing the line I always worried about whether it was crossable as lovers. I was in the process of self-destruction.

“Here we go again. Just say you don’t like what I’m doing. Why? Is it because I’m no longer a lawyer or anything, so I’m not worth much now?”

Han Jae-yi slowly raised his upper body that had been leaning, but anger was starting to build in his eyes. I sensed that the gates of a blazing hell were opening, but we who had already crossed the River Lethe couldn’t stop.

“Don’t take your anger out on me. You’re the one who rushed into a job that doesn’t even suit you. It’s painful to watch you work under stress every day. Just be honest. Say you want to go back to Germany. Wasn’t that what you really meant earlier? It wasn’t just a test, was it your true feelings? You hate being here. You’re sick of it.”

“I’ve already said that you can’t be completely happy anywhere. That doesn’t mean I’m sick of it, so don’t jump to conclusions.”

His voice was tinged with the last remnants of patience. Having lost my reason, I was even digging that up.

“No, it’s not jumping to conclusions, I’ve hit the nail on the head. Nothing has gone right since you came here. It’s obvious you’re pretending not to regret it. Every day it’s ‘This doesn’t happen in Germany,’ ‘It’s not like this in Europe,’ it’s getting on my nerves just hearing it, how must your partner feel?”

“Why is the conversation going that way? Do you want to spill it all out and feel better now that we’re on the subject? Were you always this rude?”

Han Jae-yi gripped my arm strongly. I involuntarily winced at the force. The terrifying anger he was emitting infected me too, sparking flames.

“You’re the one making excuses. There’s nothing to blame your father for. You try to inflate reasons to be angry at me and throw them at me, but it’s not satisfying, is it? I know. The root of that anger isn’t there. Just say you don’t like living here. Admit that being by my side doesn’t make you happy.”

“Don’t beat yourself up. There’s a limit to how much I can play along.”

“Why? You want to go back. You’re regretting how your life has gotten so messed up because of me!”

The guilt that had always remained in a corner of my heart pushed me this far. Once again, I set a trap like this and waited for him. This time in a very deep and dark cave. Han Jae-yi could have just said no as usual and turned back. But this time was different. He came all the way into this deep cave, grabbed my collar, and vented his anger.

“Yes, working here is terrible. I feel stifled and irritated, like I’m wearing clothes that don’t fit. But have I ever gotten angry at you because of that? You say it’s painful to watch? Am I not allowed to show any signs? Everyone’s already treating me like the worst person in the world, do you have to do that too? Yes, I want to go back. Every day here feels like a war. But I still say I want to be by your side. How many times have I said that nothing else matters as long as I have you!”

His eyes were bloodshot. The hand gripping my arm was trembling.

“How can you treat me like this when I gave up everything for you!”

At that moment, I felt like everything around me was being incinerated. The remnants of distrust that had reached the ignition point began to burn simultaneously. Burns spread quickly from the inside. My heart, which had been beating hotly, melted and my blood vessels burned up.

His hand gripping my arm was slowly loosening. And I, like a madman, muttered the thought that had been in my head for a while.

“A relationship that can only be maintained by giving something up… is already not normal.”

We finally reached the core. I was anxious because Han Jae-yi had given up too much for me, and he was in despair thinking that I wasn’t giving up anything for him. Everything else was just a secondary issue. Jealousy, misunderstandings, hurt feelings were just the ignition for this core problem that had been piling up.

Han Jae-yi looked at me for a moment. Then he quickly grabbed the coat he had taken off and went outside. I stood there blankly, staring at the ashes of our incinerated relationship. The arm that had been gripped by him until just now began to throb with pain.

I didn’t get a good look at his expression before he left. But I could clearly hear the words he uttered just before closing the front door.

‘Yeah, maybe it would have been much better if we had just stayed friends.’

Had I been confident that I would completely root out the cause of this discord? I had succeeded perfectly. Uprooted, I would probably wither and die like this.

***

Han Jae-yi came home after wandering for a full day. He then lay down on the bed that seemed like an ancient relic he had bought long ago, and fell asleep like a dead person. I couldn’t tell where he had been or what he had done, but the coat carelessly thrown on the living room sofa smelled of fishy sea breeze.

Yesterday. The words we poured out at each other like madmen gained vitality as time passed. The power of that last sentence, suggesting that maybe it would have been better to remain friends, was tremendous.

I, who prided myself on knowing Han Jae-yi better than anyone else, shrank miserably and lost my judgment. I couldn’t overcome the fear that it might be his true feelings. Not knowing what face to put on, I fell into all sorts of delusions while staring at the door of the room where he was sleeping.

Han Jae-yi didn’t wake up. I was waiting for him to wake up, but at the same time hoping he wouldn’t. I smoked a cigarette for the first time in a long while. Even as evening turned to night, the door to the room where he slept remained closed.

I woke up suddenly at dawn and heard movement. The sound of weak footsteps and sighs. Han Jae-yi spent about 10 minutes in the kitchen before returning to his room. I hoped he might come into the bedroom where I was, but it didn’t happen. Fortunately or unfortunately, I had an early morning flight. When he wakes up again, I won’t be at home.