RSL Ch 84

Gisella moved closer to me again, matching her steps with mine. The fallen leaves had piled up, now covering our ankles. Carelessly cut and abandoned trees lay along the path. White mushrooms had sprouted abundantly on them.

“You two are quite interesting. Maybe because it’s an uncommon relationship? Stepping back and observing, I find it fascinating. You both act like it’s nothing, but when the other is mentioned, you get defensive. Jae-yi expressed it more easily, so I caught on, but you, Maxi, are a step above. You don’t express emotions well. Still, at the core, you’re the same. When you talk about each other, there’s agape underneath. Unconditional love.”

“It’s not that grand. Jae-yi and I fight and get angry like normal people.”

“That’s a relief then. I was a bit worried because you two seemed too perfect in a way. A flawless being loses value even with the smallest crack. I wondered if it would end like a fairy tale, ‘And the prince and princess lived happily ever after.’ Don’t misunderstand, I don’t mean any harm. Think of it as curiosity.”

Gisella used the term “curiosity,” but I could sense the complex emotions hidden beneath. She likely had even more complicated feelings about us than I did. The bitterness of not being chosen, along with a strange satisfaction of having connected this relationship. So I didn’t think it was too odd that she was curious about its end.

Whether she hoped for a happy ending or a cruel fairy tale, I couldn’t tell, but she seemed to like the development so far. Currently, we were neither very happy nor very unhappy. However, in this story, Jae-yi had become the protagonist of a tragedy, so I suppose I should be the one to rescue him. No audience needed.

“I appreciate your interest, but as you know, we’re not putting on a circus act, so we don’t need spectators. If you don’t have lingering feelings, isn’t it better if we don’t see each other?”

I stopped walking and faced her. Looking back at the path we’d walked, I indicated it was time to return.

“Hmm, Maxi, you sure do know how to make and break a relationship.”

“I hate wasting time on anything.”

Understanding my meaning, she extended her hand.

“Well, it was nice seeing you. Now that we have no more curiosities or stories to share, I guess we won’t be seeing each other again?”

“Unless another tragedy like today occurs. Probably not.”

“Right, that would be too cruel for Jae-yi. In that sense, it’s better to hope we don’t meet again. Take care. I’ll walk a bit more. Good luck.”

I shook her hand lightly. The sun had lowered, pouring light through the tree branches. She turned towards the path that followed the light, while I turned back towards the path with the graves of the dead. I need more courage.

***

After returning from the funeral, my life flowed monotonously. On days without flights, I exercised diligently, slept sufficiently, and completely avoided cigarettes and coffee. I tried not to think negatively, and as part of that effort, I enthusiastically watched stand-up comedy clips.

And I waited for Jae-yi’s call. For a few days, I imagined him busy with the aftermath. He might need to take care of relatives still in Germany. After about a week, remembering his mother’s pale face, I tried to understand why he couldn’t call.

And today, two weeks after the funeral, I could no longer find excuses and had to attach the last reason. He didn’t seem to be thinking of me.

I tried calling a few times right after returning home, but couldn’t connect. To my message asking him to call, all I got back was:

[Sorry. The situation is a bit difficult now. I’ll contact you soon.]

With that answer, our conversation was completely cut off, and there was nothing more I could do. I couldn’t keep contacting him like a madman while he was staying with his mother after losing his father. So I thought waiting was the best option and was enduring day by day.

* * *

“Thank you for your hard work.”

“Yes, let’s go in.”

Recently, my flights had been a series of short-distance schedules. Today’s flight, which took off late in the evening, ended with arrival at Haneda Airport in the dark of night. Perhaps feeling sorry for the continuous same-day round trips, the company gave me a one-day layover today, despite it being Japan.

“Captain, I’ll go up first then.”

The crew, having entered the hotel right next to the airport, dispersed to their rooms. The co-pilot finished checking in first and greeted me again. I was the last of the group to hand over my passport and receive the key. I took the elevator straight up to the 15th floor and entered a room far too small to be called an executive room.

Unconsciously, I checked my phone again. Unread messages kept piling up, but none were from the person I was waiting for, so I couldn’t be bothered to reply.

I was contemplating what to do with my remaining time. Given that I was flying back tomorrow evening, I had the luxury of sleeping in if I wanted.

Suddenly, I felt the urge to get lost. I wanted to focus solely on finding my way while feeling the fear that comes from unfamiliar places. But as long as I have a mobile phone, it’s virtually impossible. We were living in a world where even becoming lost was not easy.

I changed into casual clothes and put on my coat. I took only my wallet and ID, leaving my phone behind. An inexplicable fear immediately washed over me. It’s strange. Just the fact of leaving my phone behind made me this anxious. I guess I too had become dependent on the conveniences of civilization.

I came out to the hotel lobby and got into a waiting taxi. The driver greeted me briefly and asked where I was going. Since I had no destination in mind, I answered with the first thing that came to mind.

“Um… Shinjuku?”

“Ah! Shinjuku. Okay.”

Pleased that we had communicated successfully, he slowly started the car. He didn’t turn on the radio or try to talk to me. The taxi was driving at a constant speed, and the surroundings were so quiet that I nearly dozed off.

The October air in Tokyo was chilly. After getting out of the taxi, I walked aimlessly, surrounded by locals hurrying home after work. Since I didn’t have my phone, I was trying to memorize the way back by looking at road signs. It was clearly past 9 PM, but the streets were as bright as day thanks to the advertisements pouring out from electronic billboards.

Memorizing the way was quite difficult. Every hundred meters, there was another convenience store that looked exactly like the one I had just seen. The street names on the signs were all similar, with only the last digit changing. Feeling like I was going in circles, I gave up on sticking to main roads. Then I discovered an alley lined with small bars in a secluded passage. I headed that way.

Red and yellow signs, big and small, hung everywhere. Some places didn’t even have a name displayed. Customers were constantly entering and exiting through doors so small it was questionable whether a person could fit through. Popular spots were so crowded there was barely room to stand. Most places smelled of grilled fish, and stairs leading to second floors were visible.

Some places had no tables at all. In those, a single counter was all the seating there was. Some didn’t even have chairs. I saw one person down a beer alone while standing, leaving in less than 10 minutes.

After observing all these scenes, I chose the largest place and went inside. As no one seemed to be paying attention to me, I quietly sat at the counter and waited for a server. I caught myself checking for a call button and laughed to myself. This isn’t Korea, after all.

“Want to order?”

Someone spoke to me in English. The man drinking beer alone next to me must have felt like helping.

“You have to call out loudly, or you won’t be able to order even after a hundred years.”

He raised his hand high and called for the server loudly. Only then did someone come over.

“Beer?”

“Ah, yes.”

He ordered for me in fluent Japanese, along with a plate of grilled dumplings that he recommended.

“Thank you. You must live here.”

“No, I’m here on a business trip too. Where are you from?”

“I’m a Korean-German. You must be American.”

“Well, not exactly. I’m Korean-American. Do you speak Korean?”

His English was perfect native level, so I naturally thought he was American or Canadian. Looking closely, only his eye color was different; his facial features were close to Asian. He seemed to be mixed-race.

“Yes. I live in Korea now. I’m Maximil-, no, Woo Seo-jin.”

I answered in Korean and extended my hand. He shook it with a smile.

“Your Korean is good. Nice to meet you. I’m Jung Se-yeon.”

He was a company employee working for a startup in Seoul. He often came to Tokyo on business trips and liked to stop by this alley for a drink each time. He said he frequently visited because the atmosphere of the cozy, clustered bars reminded him of scenes from anime.

I also gave him some basic information about myself. As people with similar backgrounds often do when striking up conversations as lone customers, we naturally fell into an easy conversation from that point on.

“If you’re a pilot, is there a ‘There are classes even in flights’ thing?”

He asked, mimicking the promotional phrase our company was currently using in TV commercials. He just tried to do an impression… It wasn’t very similar, but I couldn’t help but laugh at how earnestly he tried.

“Yes, that’s right.”

As it turned out, he had been a passenger on the Haneda-bound flight I had piloted today. In other words, we had come on the same plane and met again at the same time and place. He made a fuss about how amusing this coincidence was.

He seemed to be naturally talkative, chattering non-stop, but I didn’t particularly mind. He was basically sociable and had the ability to quickly become friendly with strangers. It’s an enviable personality trait that I lack.

“I tend to be a bit nosy. I noticed you seemed to be alone and unfamiliar with the system here, so I spoke up. Good thing I did, right?”

“Yes. Thanks to you, I’m not bored and enjoying myself.”

“Ah, I’ve been talking too much again. Let’s have a toast to ease the embarrassment.”

He clinked his glass against mine and then downed the rest of his beer in one shot. I thought he would immediately order another, but he said he’d wait a bit before drinking more. He laughed, saying he’d get scolded by the person at home if he got drunk and caused trouble. I nodded, noticing the ring shining on his ring finger.

I used to have someone who nagged me when I drank too. Someone who would arbitrarily set my drinking limit and prevent me from even ordering when we drank together. The fact that I even missed such meddling showed that I was getting a bit tired too.

“Did you live in America for a long time? How’s life in Korea?”

For some reason, I felt a sense of kinship with him and became curious about his life in Korea as a foreigner. However, he said he had settled in Seoul long ago, so now it was more comfortable than America. Rather, he felt a sense of unfamiliarity with the changing atmosphere in Boston whenever he visited his parents’ home there.

“It’s good that you’ve settled somewhere at least. I still find Korea unfamiliar. Not that I was entirely comfortable in Germany either. I guess it’s because no place really feels like a true home.”

“Hmm, I know what you mean. Us mixed-race often feel confused about our identity.”

He nodded, skillfully accommodating my half-drunken rambling.

“Actually, the most troublesome times are when cheering for soccer games and the Olympics. Until now, I’ve been fair, cheering for America once, Korea once. But since the person at home is a native Korean, now I cheer for Korea twice, America once. Game over, right? Korea wins completely.”

“You said your mother is American. She might feel disappointed if she heard that.”

“Not at all. There’s a lot of people in the family, so there are plenty of others to cheer for them besides me. Your glass is empty. Shall we have just one more each?”

I found myself nodding at his clean smile.

While emptying a plate of dumplings and drinking three glasses of beer, we amused ourselves by reciting experiences like those of foreign workers living in Korea. His witty jokes kept me laughing non-stop, making me feel like I was watching my favorite stand-up comedy live.

We laughed and chatted for two hours like that. Although we felt strong mutual attraction, we didn’t exchange contact information. He clearly seemed to be a married straight man, and while I had a feeling we could become good friends back in Seoul, I wanted to keep him locked in today’s memory.

Perhaps he felt the same way. We said our goodbyes, pushing back feelings of regret.

“I hope you finish your remaining work well and return safely. I really enjoyed this. I’ve already taken care of the bill.”

“Oh! When did you do that? Thank you for the meal, then. It was nice meeting you too. Take care on your way back.”

He bowed politely and disappeared in the opposite direction from me. The thrill of letting go of a miraculous encounter in a strange place was exhilarating.

I went out to the main street and hailed a taxi. Although it took time to find my way here, the journey back ended quickly.

Returning to the hotel, I took off my coat and collapsed onto the bed. Feeling good from the moderate buzz, I was about to close my eyes when I habitually reached for my phone on the table to check it. And again, I was disappointed.

I thought that if I forcibly separated myself from my phone like this, maybe the call I’d been waiting for would come. That if I forgot about the current situation and got lost wandering around, upon returning I’d find his welcome message waiting for me from hours ago. The greater the expectation, the fiercer the disappointment. Han Jae-yi had truly, unbelievably, completely stopped any movement towards me.

Disappointed, I was about to put the phone back on the table when I suddenly unlocked it again without realizing. And I opened our chat window. I don’t know if it was the alcohol, but I asked him without any context:

[When Korea and Germany play soccer, which side did you cheer for?]

I must really be drunk. Maybe it was because of what that man I met today said. Then, unexpectedly, a reply came right away.

[Looks like you don’t remember.]

He chided me first. He was right. I actually don’t remember well. And seeing the message that followed, I understood why.

[I always cheered for whichever side you chose.]

He quietly tore my heart apart.

Come to think of it, I often changed which team I supported depending on my mood that day. It seems Jae-yi changed teams following me. In the midst of ordinary daily life that I barely remember, he always wanted to do everything together with me.

Feeling grateful, sorry, and missing him – all these feelings rushed in at once, leaving me staring blankly at the message for a while.

[Is it still the same?]

To my question sent after a long while, he didn’t answer.