RSL Ch 86

Alain, who had just returned, took me near the living room sofa. It seemed to be the friend he mentioned who does stand-up comedy. Meanwhile, another group of friends barged into the house. Every corner of the apartment was bustling with people, as if about to burst. They found their own drinks, sat anywhere, and talked to anyone.

Maybe because of the 100 euros at stake, I was busy being called here and there constantly. Everyone brought out their funniest jokes, expecting my reaction. I was supposed to laugh, but the situation was so awkward that my expression kept freezing.

After a while, I was finally able to laugh quite loudly when Roman pulled out his trump card, a joke about Na4z1s. Rather than laughing because it was really funny, it was more like a knee-jerk reaction of German culture ingrained in me. When people around you make fun of Na4z1s, you’re supposed to self-deprecate and laugh the loudest. When the expected reaction finally burst out, everyone seemed satisfied.

Just then, another group of guests arrived.

“Roman, how many people did you invite? I really shouldn’t have given you an invitation.”

People Alain didn’t even know had been entering the apartment for a while now. Seeing this scene reminded me of the “The End of SNS Party Invitations” incident I once saw on the internet. In that party, which spread through a chain reaction of friends inviting friends, a ridiculous anecdote where as many as a hundred people showed up. The original party host said half of the guests were strangers.

“I won, right? When are you going to give me the 100 euros?”

Roman asked Alain triumphantly.

“I don’t know yet. We have to see it through to the end. There are more people coming.”

He was looking around the entrance area, searching for someone. Come to think of it, he hadn’t been greeting the newly arriving people for a while. It seemed like all of Alain’s guests had arrived, but he was still waiting for someone. If more people come in here, the police might really get called.

Despite my concerns, two more people opened the apartment door. The man in the black blazer who had spoken to me earlier greeted them warmly. It seems the friends he wanted to invite had arrived. As he was greeting them, he glanced this way and our eyes met. He smiled without avoiding my gaze, which made me look away.

“Maxie, I’ve been thinking.”

Alain came over and patted the sofa seat, telling me to sit down. I didn’t have much expectation for his ‘thinking,’ but curious about what strange idea he had come up with, I sat down next to him.

“Why don’t you just come live in France? You could be unemployed here for about a year. I’ll entertain you whenever you’re bored.”

“What’s the point of that?”

“I think this happened because both of you are under too much stress. Once you find peace of mind, your relationship will recover. Germany is boring, so I recommend living in Paris.”

“What about work?”

“You can go back later. You’re a professional, what are you worried about? It’s okay to live a bit carelessly. Nothing will happen.”

I finally realized that Alain was drunk. His glass had somehow changed to a whiskey glass. The strange thing is that I was also holding the same kind of glass. Since when had I been drinking whiskey? Only then did I become aware that I was drunk for the first time. My head seems a bit dizzy. I put down the glass and rubbed my face with both hands.

“Are you okay?”

The man in the black blazer approached, leaving his companions behind.

“Eric, you’re banned from approaching Maxie. Go away.”

Saying this, Alain looked towards the entrance again, searching for someone.

“I need to use the bathroom.”

Not wanting to get involved with the man called Eric, I quietly got up. He pretended to step back slightly to make way for me, but quickly returned to his original position. As a result, our bodies slightly overlapped, causing unnecessary physical contact.

I frowned at him, feeling a surge of displeasure.

“Sorry.”

He apologized in English with a smile. I gave him a look of disbelief and left the spot.

“Alain, your friend is so cute. Really prickly.”

“Forget it, he has a boyfriend.”

“Damn, so he is gay.”

I could hear their French conversation behind me. Alain was spilling unnecessary information again while drunk. I, who was about to go to the bathroom, opened the apartment door and went outside instead. I wanted to leave before getting involved in any troublesome situations. As the party progressed, my mood was sinking.

I took a deep breath outside. The cold November Parisian air entered my lungs, sobering me up. Noise was still leaking from inside the building, but now it sounded like background noise of the night streets, unrelated to me. I had been surrounded by people for over three hours, laughing, chatting, and drinking, but there was no sense of ‘togetherness’.

The cold hit me belatedly. I realized I should have brought my coat, but it was too late. I took out my phone from my back pocket and checked the time.

How long do I have to endure for Alain not to get angry? It’s obvious he’ll be upset if I leave too early from an event he prepared, even using my name. It was quite tiring to be the one accommodating the feelings of someone who claimed to be doing things for me. The time was already pointing to 10 o’clock.

As I fiddled with my phone, I found Han Jae-yi in the recent call list. This has become a habit lately. Seeing his name, now quite pushed down the list, made me feel like we were gradually being pushed out of each other’s lives.

Is just waiting really the best option? Until now, I hadn’t called under the pretense of being considerate to him, but today I felt an impulse to at least hear his voice. If necessary, I could use being drunk as an excuse. Sometimes, desire drives me to action more than courage.

My hesitant finger brushed over his name. The machine dialed without hesitation. Hearing the resolute dial tone, I felt an unknown tension rising. At the same time, several options for the first words appeared in my mind. The dial tone continued to flow until I chose the most neutral words.

In the end, Han Jae-yi didn’t answer the phone. Hearing the voice message switching to automatic response somehow made me feel stubborn. So I called once more. The missed call record would remain anyway, so it was too late to pretend nothing had happened. I thought I should at least leave a voice message. Just as I was thinking this, he suddenly answered the phone.

“Yes, speak.”

I was momentarily flustered as I hadn’t expected this. Unable to say the words I had just chosen, I opened my mouth hesitantly.

“…Can you talk?”

“Well, depending on the situation.”

Not knowing what that meant, I asked differently.

“Are you at home?”

“No, I’m out.”

Han Jae-yi answered my questions casually. The conversation was much more natural than I had imagined.

“It’s late, where are you going?”

“To meet someone.”

Through the phone, I could hear his footsteps. He seemed to be walking with big strides, his breathing also sounding a bit louder. Where could he be going at this hour? Anyway, since he wasn’t at home, it seemed difficult to have a long conversation.

“I’m in Paris. Did you see my message?”

“Yes, I also know you’re at Alain’s place.”

It seems they had been in contact.

“Alain probably threw some weird party to cheer you up, and by now he’s probably passed out drunk first, right?”

I was a bit surprised that he guessed so accurately.

“And you’re probably outside with a bored expression. You rushed out without your coat, so you’re cold and have your right hand in your pocket.”

Han Jae-yi’s tone was playful. Only then did I understand why he said it was difficult to talk. I felt the sound of footsteps getting closer and closer.

“How do you know so well?”

“Some scenes I can picture without seeing.”

His voice merged like an echo returning from afar, reaching both my ears. I turned around towards the sound.

“And some things are hard to believe even when you see them right in front of you.”

He was right. Han Jae-yi appeared before my eyes, wearing a light brown coat and a black muffler.

Han Jae-yi lowered his phone and gave me time to think as I stood there dumbfounded. At the same time, he unwrapped his muffler and put it around me. I stared at him for a long time in response to this consideration.

His hair, which had grown long at the funeral, was cut short. Inside the duffle coat with its wide collar, a neatly tied necktie was visible along with a thin cashmere knit. Although he seemed overdressed like me, it didn’t feel out of place on him. So I spent that time thinking that it suited him well, or that he still looked handsome. The brief appreciation ended.

“How did you get here?”

“By plane.”

I couldn’t help but laugh at his nonchalant answer. The people who were trying so hard to make funny jokes until just now would be flabbergasted if they saw this scene. Han Jae-yi made me laugh in less than a minute after appearing. The 100 euros should probably go to him.

“Why are you laughing?”

He asked with a faint smile.

“Just. I thought how simple I am. Want to go up? Alain will be happy to know you’re here.”

“Not really. I didn’t come to see that guy.”

And he said, looking at me, as if to say his business was here.

“Want to get your coat? I’ll wait here. There’s a bar if we go to the main street. Let’s talk there.”

At those words, “let’s talk,” joy and fear rushed in simultaneously. I took a deep breath and said, looking at Alain’s apartment.

“Let’s just go. If I go back in, it might be hard to get out.”

His gaze followed mine toward the apartment building, and when he heard the noise coming from there, he nodded. We started walking.

I walked quickly, hunching my shoulders. Although it was much warmer with the muffler, the material of my shirt was all-season, so my skin was getting cold. Noticing this, Han Jae-yi took off his coat and draped it over my shoulders.

“It’s okay. We’re almost there.”

“Then just hold it. I ran after getting out of the taxi. So I’m a bit heated up.”

His persuasion was so plausible that I couldn’t find an excuse to refuse. Han Jae-yi’s body heat and the scent of his cologne spread throughout my body.

We didn’t have much conversation while moving to the location. I just gave my honest impression when he asked how the party was. Alain’s friends were generally fun, but too noisy.

The place we arrived at was operating both as a restaurant and a bar. We were guided to the left at the split entrance and took seats at the counter. He ordered gin straight, and I asked for a light cocktail with rum.

“Did Alain contact you?”

He immediately affirmed.

“I got a call yesterday. He said you were in Paris and looked terrible. He threatened me to fly over immediately, saying he’d take care of all the preparations.”

“He didn’t tell me he invited you.”

“Yeah. He told me to come without saying anything because it was a surprise. Anyway, Alain likes that kind of thing.”

He grumbled slightly, rolling up his sleeve a bit.

I laughed thinking about the scene of them bickering over the phone. The someone Alain had been looking for all along, saying there was someone coming, must have been Han Jae-yi. Come to think of it, I’ve been laughing constantly since meeting him.

I liked him a lot, so I missed him a lot. It had been a long time since we were alone together in such close proximity, and my heart felt heavy. On the opposite side of restraint trying not to lose composure, my heart wavered with the desire to kiss him. He must have read my gaze that had been staring at him for a while, but he quietly accepted it without avoiding it.

The drinks arrived. I stirred the cocktail I received from the bartender and revealed my inner thoughts.

“You only responded to my messages sporadically, I didn’t expect you to come so easily when Alain called.”

“Because it’s about you.”

I looked up at him again.

“No matter who called, I came because it’s about you.”

He spoke very calmly and downed the gin placed on the counter in one go. Han Jae-yi still looked solid. Except for the day he first received news of his father’s accident, he didn’t show much sadness or difficulty even at the funeral. That made him seem more abnormal. A man who hasn’t lost his self-control is very attractive, but it feels just as difficult to approach him.

“How have you been? Is your mother feeling better?”

So I finally asked about his well-being.

“Yeah, she’s gotten a bit better. Thanks to that, I’ve returned to Munich too. I’m living without thinking about anything. I’m tired too. You know, I’ve been having pretty bad luck lately.”

He joked about his situation and laughed softly. Then he fell into thought for a moment, rotating his empty glass with his hand. When the bartender approached and offered the same drink, he immediately nodded in agreement.

“What happened to your father… is such a tragedy, I don’t know what to say to comfort you.”

At my words, Han Jae-yi muttered to himself, still rotating his glass without looking at me.

“You’re right, it’s a tragedy. And between you and me… it’s also a tragedy.”

At those words, I felt like my heart sank. But I tried not to show it. Han Jae-yi continued speaking in a calm tone without observing my reaction.

“I’ll tell you in advance, I wasn’t ignoring your messages. I just hadn’t sorted out my thoughts completely. I was also busy dealing with the will after the funeral. So, time passed by for various reasons. Anyway, I thought I should meet you and talk.”

“Yes. It’s not something to discuss over the phone.”

“How about you? Did you sort things out a bit while we were apart?”

“About us?”

“Yes.”

I laughed emptily. Sort things out? No, I didn’t need to. For me, my relationship with Han Jae-yi was filled with certainty that needed no reconsideration. It had been three weeks of thinking only about how to express this full heart to him.

“I want to apologize to you.”

So I took that first step.

“I’ve been acting selfishly all along. I think I just emotionally depended on you. You must have needed me too, but I just yelled at you to take responsibility alone. I regret it. All the choices I made trying to protect my pride in front of you.”