RSL Ch 99

Christmas had passed. Time was floating up slowly like a hot air balloon, drifting with the wind. It was moving so slowly that I felt like an ascetic. Whenever we felt impatient or anxious, we didn’t hold back and called each other. And we expressed ourselves passionately. In place of anxiety, jealousy, and doubt, long love letters piled up.

When I opened my eyes, the first thing I did was check Han Jae-yi’s messages. Then I read through the time he had spent alone during the past few hours while I was asleep. It made me feel like I had met his friends, had coffee, and gone for a walk with him.

Of course, there are moments when even these efforts are useless. Moments when we both start saying how much we miss each other without anyone starting first. Then we have no choice but to raise the white flag and set a date to meet. The city that won this lottery was Singapore, my last flight scheduled for this year.

“Hello. I’m Schmitz, in charge of today’s CR721 schedule to Singapore. It’s been snowing a bit since morning, thank you for your efforts to show up on time. Co-pilot, please proceed with the flight briefing.”

“Yes, ICN departure is scheduled for 09:15. The total flight time to our destination SIN is 6 hours and 40 minutes…”

We started the full briefing today, a day before the last day of December. The Co-pilot was a rookie of 5 months whom I had flown with to Hong Kong once before. He used to sweat profusely even during the pre-takeoff checklist, but now he was briefing quite skillfully.

Several of the crew members, including the cabin manager, were familiar faces. As the number of colleagues grew, the time we could spend together was diminishing like an hourglass. Feeling regret probably means I’ve grown attached to them.

Come to think of it, my first flight from Korea was also to Singapore. I still remember that first journey when the morning fog hadn’t fully lifted. It was also there that I first answered Han Jae-yi’s call, which I had been avoiding all along. Overwhelmed by self-pity I couldn’t handle, I thought of Han Jae-yi everywhere I went.

Those days when I was floundering after being betrayed by the person I had devoted my youth to. Not only was it a situation of unrequited love, but I was also afraid of the fact that I liked a man. I used to think such ideologies were outdated, but when it became my own issue, it wasn’t such a simple matter. As someone who struggled with not belonging, giving up another mainstream felt regrettable.

The Co-pilot’s briefing ended.

“Thank you. Cabin manager, please report on the passengers.”

“Yes, hello. I’m Song Yiseon from the cabin manager. Today we have a total of 177 passengers, 11 cabin crew members. Total 188 people. Due to 3 economy class passengers being upgraded because of overbooking, business class is also full. We have one member of the National Assembly today. The assistant manager will take care of up to row 52…”

Back then, I envied people who could easily start relationships. I didn’t have anyone who could be classified as love when affection was shared. So the moment I felt that passionate emotion I had never experienced before for a friend of 15 years was devastating.

Escape and avoidance. That’s how I created the first whirlpool, and that single deviation was the start of all this. The ending was essentially predetermined. An ending where everyone except me would be happy. But he came to me, and we experienced erasing and creating a universe.

So is everyone happy now? I couldn’t answer that.

“…That’s all, Captain.”

The cabin manager’s briefing ended.

“Yes, thank you. Um, I don’t have anything particular to emphasize, but since it’s the end of the year, Changi Airport will be quite busy. Depending on the situation, we might have to wait in the air for about 10 minutes. And although I don’t usually turn on the seatbelt sign frequently, when it is on, please make sure the passengers are seated.”

“Yes, understood.”

“If there are no other questions, we’ll end here. I’m glad to be spending my last flight of the year with all of you. I look forward to working with you. Let’s go on standby.”

As soon as I finished speaking, the gathered crew members came out pulling their cabin bags. As we moved to the terminal in a group, the sound of high heels echoed loudly. The Co-pilot was following me from the side. Then he spotted someone across from us and raised his hand.

“Senior!”

Co-pilot Cho Min-woo was among another group moving towards the gate. He noticed us when his junior called out to him and approached us.

It had been a while. The fact that we hadn’t run into each other at all near home was probably because he no longer made an effort to meet me. I was glad and grateful for that distance.

“Where are you going?”

“Singapore. It looks like you’re going on a long-haul flight, senior.”

The Co-pilot said, glancing at the other three pilots moving with him.

“Yeah, New York. I heard it’s snowing there, I wonder if we’ll get stuck there again. Captain Woo, it’s been a while.”

He casually greeted me too.

“Yes, it’s been a while. JFK in the snow, sounds terrible.”

“Haha, you’re right about that.”

While the rookie Co-pilot went to greet other colleagues, we walked together to the gate for a moment. I wonder what Han Jae-yi would say if he knew I was talking alone with him outside the cockpit.

Actually, Han Jae-yi said he had seen the broadcast clip where Co-pilot Cho Min-woo and I appeared together. Moreover, it was after we had fought. The emotions that grew from being apart made him watch that short video dozens of times more.

But he didn’t say much about the people who appeared with me. He only mentioned that he was so focused on seeing my face that he didn’t even notice the people next to me. In fact, that was the right answer. Life is busy enough just focusing on each other.

All truths are nothing once you realize them, but they’re as difficult as unsolved problems when you don’t know them.

“Putting aside how rude the JFK controllers are. With the heavy snow, it looks like the queue will get backed up. I really don’t want to go to New York anymore.”

“I know. It’s not a place I particularly like either.”

“Things haven’t been going well for me all year, and it’s like this right up to the end. I really hope next year will be better.”

He threw an ambiguous comment in his characteristically glib tone. I could only smile bitterly. The unresolved issues of this year probably included the incident with me. Right, there’s no such thing as an ending where everyone is happy. The world we live in wasn’t some kind of paradise after all.

“I hope you’ll be able to fly more to the south next year.”

At that, Co-pilot Cho Min-woo smiled and made a meaningful comment.

“Captain, you’re talking as if we won’t see each other next year.”

His gaze was now fixed on the ring on my finger. He truly has the sharpest eye of anyone I know.

Han Jae-yi and I had resized that old ring we bought at the Munich Christmas market. We quite liked its antique feel. We decided to wear them like engagement rings until the wedding. It seems Co-pilot Cho Min-woo was the first to notice.

“Co-pilot, you have an impressively keen eye.”

“Haha. It’s a compliment, but I feel a bit embarrassed hearing it. Anyway, congratulations. You’re going back to Germany, right?”

“Yes. I plan to transfer when a position opens up there.”

He nodded. Then, looking straight ahead, he said,

“Somehow, Captain, it feels like you suddenly appeared and are now quietly disappearing. You clearly existed here in this reality, but it also feels like you didn’t. I think that’s how I’ll remember you after you leave.”

Listening to his brief reflection, an inexplicable smile formed on my face.

In Co-pilot Cho Min-woo’s narrative, I’ll probably be remembered as just a passing figure. Because I’m no longer part of the conditions necessary for his happiness. We meet, brush past each other, and part ways repeatedly, each finding our own connections.

I thought that this scene resembled the atmosphere of this terminal. This is a place for departing to and arriving from very distant places. For some, it’s a starting point, and for others, an endpoint.

It can be the Maginot Line where I can stop this journey by my own will, or the last chance to hold onto someone leaving. That’s why airports have been a staple in the final scenes of countless movies and novels.

“I’ll be going now. Have a safe flight, and see you next time.”

He bid farewell.

“Yes, I hope you have a safe flight too, Co-pilot.”

We exchanged calm goodbyes and headed to our respective gates. This too will be remembered as the final scene for someone.

After greeting the ground crew, I immediately boarded the cockpit. I routinely inspected the airplane and filled out the checklist. Boarding was completed, and the door was closed. We received our sequence and waited at the end of the runway.

“Coreana 721 heavy, wind 320 at 15 knots. Runway 33 cleared for take-off.”

As the control tower’s instruction came in, the A350’s turbo engines began to roar and move.

“Cleared for take-off runway 33, Coreana 721 heavy.”

The last flight of the year took off.

* * *

Today’s in-flight meal options were Singaporean chicken rice and Korean bulgogi. The Co-pilot kept his mouth shut, looking at me while waiting for his turn. Even when I asked which one he preferred, he insisted on letting me choose first and he’d take whatever was left. He seemed to be on his best behavior, as if someone had scolded him.

“Then I’ll take the chicken rice.”

The Co-pilot gave me a look full of admiration at my choice. I wondered if the reason everyone had been so friendly to me from the start was largely due to my yielding the Korean food.

Eating is important. If possible, eating what you like is also important. Satisfying these desires reduces stress and releases endorphins. Modern people often accumulate anger because they have to constantly suppress these small things.

“Well, that’s true. But when resources are limited, it’s the law of nature to claim them according to rank. Survival of the fittest. Those who’ve eaten oily rice for a long time get to claim the Korean food. That’s the law of this cockpit, or so the seniors say.”

I laughed at his explanation.

“You must have been scolded a lot. I remember you being more free-spirited and unique when I first saw you.”

“Well, I did get yelled at every time I went on a flight. Everyone speaks politely, but they can’t help but bark in urgent situations. Each captain has a different style, so I’m still not used to it.”

He’s right. The more experienced a captain is, the more they develop their own flight protocol. Co-pilots being wary of such seasoned captains is a common thing not just in Korea, but worldwide.

“Actually, there aren’t many like Captain Schmitz. You’re very calm and follow the manual strictly. And how should I put it, your Korean is extremely restrained, so I can’t imagine you shouting or anything. But have you ever gotten angry in the cockpit?”

Gotten angry, huh. I’ve had emotional stirrings internally a few times, but I don’t think I’ve ever expressed it outwardly. By the way, it seems my Korean won’t be fixed even by the time I return.

“No, not yet. Well, in that sense, would you like to try landing at Changi Airport? I’m confident I can shout well too.”

I teased the Co-pilot with a smile.

“Oh, that’s a bit scary. Hehe. But I’ll give it a try.”

He had determination. That’s why I thought he’d make a good pilot. I smiled and cast my gaze outside.

Beyond the windshield, a sea of pure white clouds spread out. It’s my personal nickname for the shape of clouds spread out like water, with no convection clumping. At times like this, it feels like I’m steering a sailing ship cutting through the Atlantic rather than an airplane. Far away, where the troposphere begins, the sun was shining as if drawing the boundary of the world.

“Ah… it’s really amazing. This is why everyone can’t quit this extreme job.”

I smiled and agreed with the Co-pilot’s words. It’s a breathtaking view every time. Sometimes I don’t want to descend.

I took out my phone after a long time and took a picture. I used to take them often when I was a Co-pilot. Come to think of it, I always sent those pictures to the same person.

“Oh, so Captain, you also get moved by this view and take pictures. I’m feeling a bit of human closeness right now.”

His tone was funny, so I replied with an even more sophisticated joke.

“I also use the bathroom, you know.”

“Oh! I thought you didn’t. Haha.”

He good-naturedly responded to my joke and opened the door when he spotted the cabin manager bringing our in-flight meals outside the cockpit. The plane sailed through the sea of clouds while we had our stress-free meal.

The plane that had safely landed at Singapore’s Changi Airport was now crossing the taxiway, looking for its gate. The hot, humid tropical wind shook the direction of the wind vane. On the horizon that cut the wide-open view in half, I could see another plane taking off.

We were assigned to gate D7. I set the lever and turned off the engines. Immediately, the fans that had been rotating for 7 hours stopped. When I turned off the seatbelt sign, I could hear the passengers in the cabin standing up simultaneously. This is how the last flight of the year ended. When I return home, the year will have changed. And many more things will change.

After finishing the security check, I checked my phone. The messages I had been waiting for started pouring in. Not having time to read them all, I only checked the last message.

[Waiting at C7.]

It was sent an hour ago. I hurriedly packed my things and left the cockpit. After sending the crew ahead, I headed alone towards Terminal C. I might have arrived too late, and he might have already gone outside the arrival hall. I hurried my steps while calling him. The call was going through, but he wasn’t answering.

Then I spotted the C7 sign. At the empty gate where all arriving passengers had already left, a man was standing in front of a large glass window. He was seriously watching planes take off and land, his hands in his suit pants pockets.

I approached him. Hearing the sound of my cabin bag being pulled, Han Jae-yi turned towards me. He must have also arrived by plane, but his overly neat appearance felt out of place. Maybe because he was on a break from work, he didn’t look like a lawyer. He looked more like a businessman briefly visiting Singapore for business.

Han Jae-yi slightly turned his smiling face and waited until I completely stopped in front of him.

“Did you wait long?”

I stood in front of him.

“Well, it’s been about 15 years.”

I laughed at Han Jae-yi’s ridiculous joke and put my hands in my pockets. Adopting the same posture, I said to him:

“One more day and it’ll be 16 years.”

“Yeah. It’s already been that long.”

He raised his hand and fixed my slightly protruding bangs. No, maybe that was just an excuse. I thought it might have been his way of expressing his desire to touch me. The welcoming look in Han Jae-yi’s eyes was telling me so.