RSL Ch 15

The next morning, I spent the first two hours in the hotel’s fitness center, then took a nap and had lunch. Later in the afternoon, I was contacted by the cabin manager to go on a market tour, but I didn’t feel confident enough to join the cabin crew on their journey.

I turned on the TV. Perhaps because it was a suite, the premium channels were already activated. Pressing the remote absentmindedly, my gaze was fixed on one channel like a statue.

“…”

Thailand, known for its open culture towards homosexuality, was airing gay p0rn on the adult channel. Without realizing it, I found myself watching the acts of two men on the screen. While I wasn’t unfamiliar with same-sex intimacy, nor was I too young to feel embarrassed by it, encountering such explicit content for the first time felt both scary and exhilarating, like discovering a new world.

On the screen, two men were panting. The naked gestures and facial expressions made me wonder if this was really porn. I wondered if they were really feeling it. Noticing that I didn’t have any aversion to the scene before me, it seemed that my preferences leaned towards this direction.

The man underneath moaned while tearing at the bedsheets. The man with brown hair on top was biting his lip. I alternated between their expressions. The brown-haired man’s eyes met the camera’s gaze.

For a moment, I thought of someone and felt a surge of shame. The conclusion was already within me. With a troubled heart, I went outside the hotel to smoke.

I could hear the hustle and bustle of traffic and the rush of the commute. By early evening, the atmosphere in downtown Bangkok had changed 180 degrees. I walked the streets alone.

A well-dressed office worker rides a 150cc scooter to their home from work. Makeshift food stalls had sprung up beside the buildings. Tables and chairs were set up on clean sidewalks, and incandescent bulbs were lit one by one. Groups of people gathered at the makeshift tables, trying to figure out dinner. Bold tourists occupied the spaces beside them.

I stopped in my tracks at a familiar sight. A familiar face caught my eye from the other side of the street: he was wearing a pair of faded jeans and a System of Down t-shirt. His eyes were half-covered by long bangs as he stared at his phone alone. Then, he glanced towards the entrance of the night market, as if waiting for someone.

I silently observed his figure. His lips moved slightly as if calling out to someone. A man rushed over and placed his hand on his shoulder, offering something. The corners of his mouth lifted in delight. His expression was different from when he was alone.

The man handed him a donut, which he promptly spat out due to its excessive sweetness. I sighed and lit a cigarette. With a click, the light went out. With a donut in his mouth, he slowly turned around. It was me, twenty-two years old.

I blinked and stared. Han Jae-yi’s hand on my shoulder urged me to move on, and I stubbed out my cigarette, savoring the afterglow of my youth, until the two of us disappeared into the crowd. I was traveling for no reason.

The odds are stacked against me. There was no place on this earth where I wasn’t with Han Jae-yi was not with me.

I decided to walk a little further. Inside a small temple, a Buddha statue was enshrined high up. The fence was low enough to see inside. Red and yellow lights illuminated the decorations. Monks were serving the Buddha and tourists were taking pictures outside the walls.

“May I come in?”

A monk, understanding my English, nodded and made a gesture of respect. I thanked him in simple Thai and entered. As the scent wafted in, it felt strangely reminiscent of marijuana. Perhaps due to my loosened nerves, scenes from the gay pornography I had seen earlier rushed back. I felt a sense of guilt as if I had brought filthy thoughts into the temple.

I remembered Hermann Hesse’s Siddhartha, which I had read in school.  Siddhartha, who left home to seek enlightenment, learned the pleasure of love through the courtesan Kamala. She died from a snake bite. I saw a dying Kamala writhing under the statue, her eyes filled with love and desire, speaking to me.

“Farewell, Vidya. I am free from all constraints.”

I fled from there as if escaping.

 * * *

After a flight back from Bangkok, I went to sign a new car contract. Wearing my uniform was a strategic move. Since I wasn’t particularly interested in cars, I chose the model that could be delivered the fastest and would be the easiest to sell as a used car. I decided to pick it up in a week. I wanted to call it the second step towards settling down.

It was nine o’clock when I got home. As I opened the front door, the dimly lit living room greeted me. Despite the shoes left out indicating someone was home, there was no sound. I went to the kitchen before the automatic light went out.

The door to Han Jae-yi’s room was open and dark. When I opened the door to my bedroom, I could faintly see him sleeping among the scattered papers. I didn’t turn on the light. I neatly arranged the documents scattered on the bed and placed them on the table. If it was 9 p.m. in Korea, it was lunchtime in Germany. I couldn’t tell which time zone he was living in.

I took a shower and came out. It was a little past 10 o’clock. In the dimly lit room, I quickly changed into comfortable clothes. I lay down next to Han Jae-yi at a reasonable distance. I didn’t want to wake him up and have him sleep on the hard floor.

A faint light streamed in through the slightly open door. I thought I should get up to turn off the light after drinking water, but my body didn’t listen. The exhausting flight was pulling me into a deep sleep. And so, I fell asleep.

When I woke up, it was the wee hours of the morning and I woke up in the dark. I felt like I had just come out of a tunnel, and I was sweating. I turned my head to see Han Jae-yi awake. I could clearly feel his eyes on me in the darkness.

“…Did I wake you up?”

He just smiled without saying a word. Ah, so that’s it. I discovered my unconscious habit. His refined features blinked in the darkness. Sharing a bed with him was familiar, but the emotions I felt were unfamiliar. Trying to stick to my decision to endure for his sake, I attempted casual conversation.

“I ordered a bed for you, I thought you might not be comfortable sleeping on the floor.”

“Thanks.”

His voice was calmly composed. It hadn’t been long since he woke up, so his throat wasn’t dry. He continued to stare at me. I remembered that it had been his hobby to watch me sleep occasionally.

“How was the flight?”

He broke the silence and asked.

“So-so.”

“It reminds me of our trip to Bangkok.”

“Yeah.”

Despite my positive response, Han Jae-yi sensed my uncertainty in my voice.

“Don’t you remember? There was that TV show that was popular at the time. After watching it, I said we had to go to Khao San Road, and I even booked tickets in advance and told you. Thanks to that, you had to cancel the barbecue party.”

It came back to me. At the time, I was planning a small event with my training colleagues, but everything flew out the window because of Han Jae-yi, who suddenly showed up with a backpack. He already knew my passport number and had even completed ticket issuance.

But that didn’t mean I got angry or anything. Han Jae-yi was someone I could be like that with.

“Do we have any places left to go that we haven’t been to?”

He said it as if he were tired of it, but it was also a kind of boasting.

“Plenty. Africa, the desert, the Arctic, the Amazon.”

“Now only the places we have to risk our lives to go to are left.”

“If it scares us, should we wait until we’re about to die to go?”

I couldn’t answer. Han Jae-yi, what are you really thinking? His words sounded like he would be by my side until I died. He once again nourished my hungry desires.

“I really want to go to the desert.”

I had wanted to go to the Sahara for a long time. Antoine de Saint-Exupéry, who was a pilot, crashed in the Sahara and met the Little Prince. Although my drawing skills were inadequate, I was confident I could at least draw a boa constrictor that didn’t look like a hat.

At the end of my explanation, Han Jae-yi laughed out loud. His gaze was still fixed on me. I suddenly saw affection in his eyes; I could see that he cared and loved me. As a friend, of course.

“Yeah, let’s go, soon.”

I wanted to believe him as he lied to me like a dream. Unfortunately, the phone rang at that moment. Gisella’s name appeared on Han Jae-yi’s cell phone, which was thrown on the bed. It was their usual time to talk. I couldn’t understand why she insisted on calling at this hour, knowing it was late.

It seemed like an eternity as he pondered, his eyes fixed on the screen.

“What are you doing not answering?”

I bit my lip as I pushed him away. It wasn’t a selfless act. It was just a shallow trick to take the lead before he made any decisions.

“Yeah, it’s me.”

As Han Jae-yi answered the phone with a somewhat lowered tone, I watched him leave the room. He must have been concerned about disturbing me as he closed the door behind him. Now, perfect darkness enveloped the room.

In that darkness, Siddhartha’s advice came to mind. The courtesan Kamala was bitten by a viper and died.

Han Jae-yi, who is always serious about traveling, brought a campervan with him. I was amazed at how he managed to rent such a caravan in just one day. He had always had an alchemist-like quality. With a simple “I’ll take care of it,” magical things would happen. There were reasons why I enjoyed traveling with him.

Our plan to leave right after breakfast began to deviate a bit. We received a call that the furniture we had ordered online was coming. We didn’t know about anything else, but we were desperate for a living room sofa.

Since the delivery driver said he would arrive in two hours, we left the house. We thought it would be a good time to go grocery shopping during that time. We needed to buy disposable items for camping.

I wanted to buy a Weisswurst (a traditional Munich sausage), but it was not available. I loaded the cart with beer, cheese, and olives. Since we didn’t know the firepower of the burner included in the camper van, I filled it with things we could eat without cooking. I also bought blankets, toilet paper, batteries, and a lighter.

“Is there anything else we need to buy?”

I looked back and he was gone. While I was desperately buying supplies, he disappeared without helping and went somewhere in the store. And by the time we reached the checkout, he appeared and put something in the cart. It was a portable speaker and an LED lamp. He looked quite pleased with himself, so I just praised him without saying anything else. We barely made it back home within two hours.

The delivery guys arrived on time. Four men, including two of us, moved seven pieces of furniture. Some of the pieces had to be assembled inside the house, so the living room quickly became a mess. Nevertheless, sitting on the sofa after they left felt quite satisfying.

“Now it feels like a real home.”

Han Jae-yi put his weight on the couch and checked the cushioning. I sat down next to him and looked out the window. The sun was already setting.

“It’s already dinner time. Shall we go tomorrow and come back in just one day?”

“What are you talking about? It’ll be perfect if we leave now.”

He taps me on the shoulder and tells me to get up. I found his enthusiasm annoying because I felt a bit tired. We loaded our luggage into the car. Then, I sat in the passenger seat and fastened my seatbelt.

“But where are we going?”

“Daegwallyeong.”

“Let’s take turns driving every hour, then.”

He just laughed without answering. Unfortunately, I fell asleep before we even passed the highway interchange.