RSL Ch 53

After my shower, I made a quick early lunch. I mixed yogurt with blueberries and kiwi. The toast turned out a bit too hard because I overcooked it. I made a spritzer by mixing fruit juice with sparkling water. This was my best attempt at a decent meal.

Han Jae-yi joined me at the table after his shower. He picked up the burnt toast, took a bite without butter, and started explaining his future plans. He said he wanted to start a business, though it seemed more like he was joining a small law firm as a co-representative. His role would be to provide counsel to European companies expanding their business.

Although his primary clients were corporations, he was a litigator by trade. I was a little worried that local management advice or labor law would not be a good fit.

“You enjoyed handling cases. Are you sure about this?”

“The scope might be smaller, but the work should be easier.”

“Since when have you ever looked for easy work? You’re a workaholic.”

“Not anymore. Why did you buy the kiwi anyway?”

He scooped out a kiwi from the yogurt with a spoon, questioning me as if he were interrogating me. I recalled myself standing in front of the fruit section a few days ago.

Typically, I only buy what I need at the grocery store, but that day, perhaps feeling adventurous, I ended up putting fruit and Korean ingredients in my cart. The shopping spree turned out to be quite unusual. Things I normally didn’t eat or couldn’t eat filled the cart—things Han Jae-yi liked, things he enjoyed eating.

“Just… there wasn’t much else to buy.”

“You’ll end up back in the hospital like last time. Be careful.”

“What time is the movie?”

I changed the subject.

“Three o’clock. We can leave leisurely.”

“There might be traffic. It’s raining. Don’t underestimate Seoul.”

“You’re practically Korean now.”

“I am Korean.”

“Who would believe that?”

He snorted and teased. Han Jae-yi’s warm fingertips touched my hand that reached for the butter. He took her hand. He took my hand, lifted it to his lips, kissed my fingertips, and then let go. It was the first kiss of courtship I’d ever received from a man. You’re not so bad yourself. Who would believe you’re not Korean? He laughed in agreement.

After the meal, he unpacked his things. Most of the boxes were filled with clothes and shoes. The bed in his room remained untouched, like an artifact from the past. It symbolized the time when we were apart. Sitting on the bed, he brushed his hand over the dusty mattress and asked,

“When did it arrive?”

“The afternoon you went to the Hotel where Gisella was staying.”

I crossed my arms and leaned against the doorframe, looking at him with a face that said, ‘I’m only answering because you asked.’

“You must’ve hated me.”

“I wanted to beat you up.”

It was a lie; The one who was beaten up that day was me. I had eagerly come home, excited about going to the beach together, only to stupidly wait for him as he vanished like a mirage. Believing his promise to call again, I spent the entire day unable to do anything. It was only two months ago, yet the memory felt as distant as a past life.

“I’ll give you a chance. Hit me.”

Han Jae-yi’s words made me laugh hollowly. It wasn’t a time I wanted to revisit, nor did I seek sympathy or compensation for those feelings.

He reached out his arm and pulled me to him. He forced me to make a fist and placed my clenched fist on his cheek as if to say, “Hit me like this.”

“I’ll count to three. One.”

My fist touched his face as he looked up at me as he sat on the bed. “Two,” he said, one eye squinting, ready to be hit. I opened my fist and cupped his cheek, then spread my knees and climbed on top of him, staring down at him. Our gazes locked as I waited for him to say the next count and he deliberately stalled.

“Three.”

I didn’t miss the gap between his lips and kissed him. Han Jae-yi didn’t immediately respond with his tongue; instead, he leisurely enjoyed my eager movements. I savored his soft lips and ran my tongue along his even teeth.

He let out a quiet laugh through the slight opening in our kiss. Finally, he wrapped his hands around my waist, pulling me in tight and deep. Feeling his tongue enter my mouth excited me again. We need to go out. As I murmured, Han Jae-yi fell back onto the bed, taking me with him.

It was raining that day, too. After returning from a flight to Hong Kong, I had missed him, drenched from the rain. Just like then, I climbed on top of him and showered him with kisses as if to overwrite the moment I had fallen asleep on the ownerless bed.

One thing was becoming clear to me. I was hastily erasing the time I had spent in one-sided love. We were always meant to belong to each other. Even in those days when I wasn’t aware, you wanted me too. That’s how my memory was being rewritten. The sound of the rain grew heavier.

Han Jae-yi quickly changed his rumpled shirt while I fumbled with the loose buttons, looking for my phone. I thought it had been lying on the sofa but I was wrong and found it by the dining chair. I grabbed my car keys. I opened the front door and looked outside to see that the rain hadn’t stopped. I urged him to get ready.

We ran to the apartment parking lot without umbrellas, shaking the rain from each other’s hair as we opened the car door. I started the engine, thinking we might be late. The weekday afternoon traffic flowed at a reasonable pace.

“I’ve been wondering for a while, do you wear cologne even when you’re at home?”

His question seemed random, but given that we had just been rolling around in bed, it wasn’t entirely out of place.

“Yeah. It’s a habit.”

“Why?”

“Kids used to tease me a lot when I was young, before I met you. I think it made me sensitive to smells.”

I shared the story without hesitation. It had become such a trivial memory that I was more curious about why he hadn’t asked before. I thought back to the ten minutes before, when I’d had to convince him to wake up with his nose buried in the nape of my neck.

Sitting in the passenger seat, Han Jae-yi commented that the scent suited his taste. I thanked him and glanced at him. Then, an even more unexpected question came up.

“You once said you thought of me while doing it. How far did you imagine?”

“What are you talking about all of a sudden?”

I knew exactly what he meant, but sometimes you have to feign ignorance to buy time to process your feelings.

“I mean, what’s within the realm of possibility? I want to know your preferences.”

“Do we have to discuss this now?”

I changed lanes, emphasizing that I was driving.

“We said we were new to each other’s sex lives. I want to talk about this more often. You might find it hard to accept what I expect from you.”

“I like things the way they are now. What more do you want?”

I took my hands off the wheel at the red light and looked at him. This life of talking about sex with my lover in the car on a rainy day… is so unlike me that it’s refreshing.

“It’s not that I don’t like it now, I just think we could enjoy it more, but I’m afraid that telling you what I want might offend you as a man.”

“Are you talking about top and bottom roles?”

At my direct question, he raised his eyebrows slightly and pondered.

“Well… that’s not the only thing, but yeah, that’s part of it.”

The light turned green again. I tried to dispel my embarrassment by focusing on driving.

“…Well, I don’t know for sure, but I don’t want to be the one underneath.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah.”

Han Jae-yi acknowledged my answer with the same detachment as asking for a name and then stepped back. This issue could lead to a conflict—not between Han Jae-yi and me, but within myself.

My long-standing ego was asserting its pride, saying this was unacceptable. Meanwhile, the newly formed part of me blinked with curiosity. For now, the former held the advantage. After all, it had been in control for the 30 years of my life. Unless an immediate decision was needed, I wanted to buy some time.

* * *

We arrived at a small multiplex cinema in Gyeonggi-do, having crossed rainy Seoul. When I asked why we had come so far, Han Jae-yi responded with the same confusion. He hadn’t realized it was this far either. He even seemed unsure of the movie’s title, and it wasn’t a Korean film.

“Why did we come all the way here to watch a French movie?”

Not being a big fan of art films, I was filled with disappointment.

“Don’t you know it’s harder to find in Germany?”

“Be honest, you did this on purpose, didn’t you?”

Han Jae-yi smiled and led the way. The theater was small and quiet, seemingly used only by locals. We entered ten minutes before the movie started. True to the reputation of French films, the theater was almost empty, with no one else present yet.

“Tell me our seat numbers.”

“It’s empty. Just sit anywhere. How about there?”

In the dimly lit theater, where the commercials hadn’t even started, Han Jae-yi pointed to the best center seat.

“Don’t you know me? What are our seat numbers?”

“No one’s going to come anyway.”

“What do you mean?”

“I bought all the tickets.”

I stood there, dumbfounded as I stared at him. Han Jae-yi had a look that seemed to say, ‘Why are you so surprised? Don’t you know me?’ I sighed lightly and squeezed into the seat he indicated.

I knew he had something up his sleeve when he said he was going to buy tickets, so on a weekday afternoon, he found a theater that hadn’t sold any tickets yet and stockpiled them, so he couldn’t have bought anything but this movie. I’m sure the staff here will look at us strangely.

The screen opened and a commercial began. Han Jae-yi walked over to the seat next to me and sat down. Both of us naturally turned off our phones and stopped talking. It was ridiculous. Even though it was unnecessary, we were still conditioned to do it.

“What should we have for dinner?”

Han Jae-yi’s low voice, mingled with the sound of commercials, tickled my ears. ‘We’re going to watch a French movie, so let’s go eat French food. “Okay,” I whispered again, making sure to speak up as he approached.

“You don’t have to whisper that, do you?”

“This is more fun.”

We laughed at the same time. In the theater, where we were the only viewers and listeners, we sat and enjoyed the movie, or more accurately, the experience of watching it together.

The actual content projected by the projector didn’t matter much. Even though we were facing forward in the dark space, I was constantly aware of the person sitting next to me. This over-a-century-old traditional dating method still worked and was thrilling.

The only drawback was the inability to show affection, but Han Jae-yi had paid to eliminate that. As the movie progressed, he openly turned towards me. He didn’t touch me, but I was acutely aware of the hand resting on the armrest, wondering if he’d hold it. It wasn’t him who was nervous; it was me. Han Jae-yi watched me with a relaxed and elegant demeanor. By this point, I felt a bit indignant.

“Aren’t you watching the movie?”

He silently pointed to his ear, indicating he was listening and didn’t need subtitles to understand. How annoying. Despite the emotions I often felt towards him, my instinct to compete with him sometimes annoyed me.

“Watch it properly or let’s leave if it’s boring.”

“It’s interesting. Not boring at all.”

I couldn’t think of a good comeback for his double entendre, implying that watching me wasn’t boring. Moments like this confirmed he was indeed a lawyer.

“Let’s do that too. Say a line from a movie you like.”

Han Jae-yi pointed to the screen and asked me to copy what they were doing. The characters in the movie were reciting their favorite lines and engaging in French pretentious art. I didn’t have a favorite movie, but I did know one of the most famous lines on the planet.

“Houston, we have a problem.”

Han Jae-yi nodded and burst into laughter. It was the reaction I had hoped for, so I felt good. Then he said he’d go next, mimicking an actor by stroking his chin, saying that every man wanted to say this line.

“I’m going to make him an offer he can’t refuse.”

It was an unmistakable line. I agreed with him and thought of another line from the same movie.

“Keep your friends close, but your enemies closer.”(Said in English)

In the midst of a relay game that was going well, Han Jae-yi completely rearranged his posture and turned to me with a serious expression on his face.

“May the Force be with you.”

Of course, Star Wars had the most famous line on Earth. We quickly exchanged five Star Wars quotes. I’m not a huge movie buff, but you can’t go wrong with Star Wars. It was a cultural thing for boys our age back then to double or triple the laughter when a joke involved Han Solo’s “I have a bad feeling about this.”

Both of us struggled to avoid saying, “I am your father,” because it felt too easy.

“Let’s switch genres. ‘Oh, I am fortune’s fool!‘”

“What’s that from?”

“Romeo and Juliet.”

This put me at a disadvantage since I wasn’t into romance movies. After a long pause, I finally thought of one.

“If there is an expiration date for love, I hope it’s ten thousand years.”

I wasn’t sure if Chungking Express was a romance movie, but I had a special sentiment for Hong Kong, so I liked the films from that era, capturing the vibrant emotions before the handover. So this wasn’t a line I tried to memorize, it was a piece that stuck in my head. I don’t know if Han Jae-yi had seen the movie, but he seemed to like the line and looked at me silently for a while.

“Sorry, that’s all I know.”

It was clear I would lose if we continued the game. Then he leaned in, put his hand on my shoulder, and whispered:

“Love means never having to say you’re sorry.”

I laughed, surprised by the cheesy line. His quick wit was impressive, as expected of a romantic. I asked him to say another. I wanted to test the memory limits of someone with great linguistic talent.

“You make me want to be a better man.”

Ah, I knew that line. A warm feeling bubbled up inside me. Han Jae-yi was just quoting movie lines, yet I felt excited. These were just cleverly crafted lines meant to enhance a scene, written to be consumed and sold. Still, it felt as if I were the protagonist, and my heart raced.

I propped my chin on my hand and stared at Han Jae-yi. The endlessly changing images on the screen illuminated his face in varying degrees of brightness. I wanted to hear more. My thumping heart begged for more. So I asked him one more time.

“From the moment you said hello, I was yours.”

I couldn’t help but recall our first greeting. Thousands of images flashed through my mind, with him and me as the protagonists. My current expression must be quite funny. The feeling of being unable to speak, with lips slightly parted and eyes fixed on him.

Ah, so that’s why people make that expression in movies. Then he delivered his final line:

“I love you, Seo-jin.”

That single line caused a crack in my world. Something inside me shattered, like glass cracking with an unearthly sound, and something inside me was exposed, defenseless, and began to boil.

Before I could lose myself completely, I hurriedly replied. I love you too. I’ve loved you for so long that I don’t even know when it started. When I finally voiced the words I had never even repeated to myself, I realized. I had never told anyone I loved them.

I hadn’t planned to confess such a thing, but he probably already knew. From the moment I greeted him, I had been his too.

With that, we erased another line between us. The distance left was smaller than a palm and close enough for our noses to touch.