RSL Ch 75

On a weekend when we both happened to have a day off after a long time, we couldn’t get up until late. The air getting colder day by day made us feel the change of seasons, and the endless physical exhaustion reminded us of last night’s lovemaking.

Recently, our sex had been persistent and sadistic. As if trying to fill the gaps created by consecutive confrontations and anxieties, we obsessed over each other’s bodies more intensely and passionately, without either of us initiating it.

It truly was an obsession. Jae-yi, like someone who didn’t know the meaning of ‘moderate,’ repeatedly penetrated and ejaculated inside me multiple times. Was it because I was in the receiving role? Or did I have a fetish for sadistic acts? I couldn’t help but be surprised at myself for reaching orgasm consistently while experiencing soreness and pain below.

If sex is also a form of conversation, then in that case, I was completely on the defensive. One word saying ‘stop’ would immediately end all actions, but I didn’t easily speak that word. Even that strange battle of wills became exciting, and I couldn’t even remember how we ended things last night.

“Don’t get up yet.”

Perhaps sensing my movement, Jae-yi’s large arm wrapped around me from behind. Morning was peaceful, waking up naked and feeling a lover’s skin.

“What time did I fall asleep yesterday? I can’t remember.”

“Hmm… around 3? You had passed out.”

“What?”

I tried to turn around in surprise, but he pulled me back tightly from behind again.

“You went limp from exhaustion. I thought I’d be a bad person if I continued with someone who lost consciousness, so I let you sleep. Now that you’re awake, should we do it again?”

My body instantly stiffened with rejection at those words. If we did more here, I felt like I would throw up rather than pass out. Then Jae-yi buried his lips in my nape and laughed.

“Your reaction is too cold. I should take you out somewhere nice to eat.”

“It’s not that I’m being cold, you’re being excessive. These past few days we’ve done nothing but have s3x, except for eating and sleeping.”

“I thought you were enjoying it too.”

“I do enjoy it. But that’s enough for today. I really feel like I’m going to die.”

“Yeah, I feel like I’m dying too. It’s worse in the morning. I’m going crazy touching you naked right after waking up.”

Before I could stop him, Jae-yi climbed on top of me again. His messy hair slowly moved downward. Then he arbitrarily put his face between my legs and started foreplay.

“Haa…”

I sighed, but that was all. I could tell him to stop, but the words wouldn’t come out. I pressed down on his head gently and tilted my head back, sinking into pleasure.

* * *

An hour later, I succeeded in dragging Han Jae-yi out of bed. After climaxing just once each, I took him to the bathroom to wash up and get ready to go out. I had planned to stay home and let him rest all weekend, but since he didn’t seem interested in resting, I thought it might be better to at least go out for a meal.

When I let him choose the menu, he took me to an eel grilling restaurant. Han Jae-yi’s intentions were too obvious. He grabbed my hesitant hand and led me inside, saying it was a famous place that only sold 100 servings as a lunch special. The server who greeted us at the entrance asked for our name.

“Oh, did you make a reservation? Then please come in. Two reserved guests!”

At those words, I looked at Han Jae-yi with a bewildered expression. I had no idea when he had called to reserve a room. I thought he had been by my side the whole time we were at home, but maybe I had missed something.

He smiled and pulled me into a private room. The suspiciously acting Han Jae-yi sat across from me and handed me the menu. I chose the most standard-looking eel rice bowl and ordered some warm tea. The heat from the ondol floor with cushions felt nice.

“By the way, have you ever eaten eel before?”

“Yeah, a few times when I flew to Japan.”

“Ah, I see. It’s delicious here. Not fishy at all. If you like it, we can order extra eel.”

It felt strange to be two men sitting politely, eating a specific fish to enjoy sex longer. The rumors about it being good for stamina, along with rumors about longevity, test the limits of human adventurousness across all times and cultures. With that reason attached, infinite courage springs forth even for barbaric acts like sucking deer blood or grilling live soft-shelled turtles.

I didn’t particularly have prejudices against such things, but I don’t prefer attaching non-culinary reasons to food. Fortunately, this restaurant’s eel rice bowl was excellent just as a dish itself.

“You misunderstand. I brought you here because it’s delicious. We’re not Hansel and Gretel – don’t think I’m feeding you for that kind of reason.”

“That’s good then.”

“But since we’re eating it anyway, it would be nice if it helps in that way too. So eat a lot. I won’t go easy on you from now on. If you lose consciousness again, I’ll just think it felt too good.”

It was probably a joke, but it gave me slight chills. Whether persuaded by his words or because it was so delicious, I actually ordered extra eel. Han Jae-yi, pleased by this sight, was staring at me while twirling his teacup.

“I’ve always felt so good when you eat well.”

“My adoptive mother said something similar once. She said it’s rare to see me eating well since I’m picky about food.”

He nodded in agreement at those words, but then fell silent as if thinking about something. I finished the last spoonful of rice, pushed my empty bowl aside, rinsed my mouth with tea, and wiped my lips with a napkin.

“What is it?”

I became curious about what Han Jae-yi was thinking. Then an unexpected question flowed from his lips.

“Do you keep calling her your adoptive mother because you want to distinguish her from your birth mother?”

Unable to find an answer to this sudden question, I replied:

“Well… there’s no particular meaning behind it.”

In German, I called them by their names – Karl and Angie. Chris often called his parents by their names too, so it didn’t feel strange, but somehow in Korean it became fixed as “adoptive father” and “adoptive mother.” And the only person on Earth who had heard that Korean all along was Han Jae-yi.

The main reason we were able to become close so quickly, besides living nearby and being the same age, was actually language. My native language that I didn’t share with others. It tied us together like a secret code from childhood.

So occasionally, Han Jae-yi would ask about things I hadn’t even been conscious of. Like now. He was curious why I still called them adoptive parents and drew a line. If they knew, it would have made them very sad.

“They’d be hurt. If they knew you were still keeping your distance.”

“It’s not so much keeping distance as… I just can’t change how I’ve always called them. And they are my adoptive parents, after all. Not my birth parents.”

“That’s heartbreaking.”

“Why do you care?”

“Because it doesn’t feel like someone else’s business. Seeing that you’re still like this after your parents put in 22 years of effort makes me think I have a long way to go.”

He leaned back, looking at me with a relaxed gaze. His shirt buttons pulled taut, revealing his chest.

“Don’t say such nonsense. Your case is different.”

“How is it different?”

He looked at me with a slightly expectant expression, urging me to give that embarrassing answer. It was annoying, but I didn’t want to be someone who blushed over trivial things. I may not be as great a romantic as Han Jae-yi, but if he wanted to hear it, I could tell him.

“It’s different. Because I already liked you on my own, even without you making any effort.”

He smiled contentedly and laughed gently. Then he fell into quiet thought. As if carefully going over the meaning of my answer, he tapped the floor with his finger and muttered to himself. Come to think of it, there was always something that made me wonder.

“You say you liked me on your own, but did you never think about confessing to me?”

That question he pulled from his thoughts caught me off guard. I turned my gaze to the teacup for a moment and moistened my lips. Han Jae-yi’s gaze was still directed at me, showing no intention of withdrawing.

“Why are you curious about that?”

“I just thought about it a bit. At first, I figured maybe it wasn’t enough to confess, but you coming back to Korea – no matter how I think about it, that was because of me. Considering the weight of that decision, it doesn’t add up. So I thought maybe I just hadn’t given any hints. That you must have thought there was zero possibility. But then thinking about that made me feel dizzy. We were heading towards catastrophe. You, me, and Gisella too. I’m grateful to her for putting the brakes on that, but I still wonder.”

Han Jae-yi paused there, seeming to hesitate whether to continue. But soon, as if having made up his mind, he laid down heavy words.

“How could she be so sure about us? As if she had confirmed it with the person involved.”

He was quietly observing my reaction. So he caught my wavering gaze, unable to control it.

“…”

In the seconds of silence that followed, we busily scanned each other, trying to read expressions. And in my mind, a forgotten memory rapidly unfolded, rewinding the film.

‘Let’s play fair, Maxi. I’ll give you the spot today, so why don’t you try confessing?’

On that day when I had an intense battle of wits with Gisella over Han Jae-yi’s feelings, my choice was not confession but observation. Not telling him about meeting her was the freedom of choice I had while in unrequited love, and now that we’re lovers, it’s a well-intentioned silence.

If he were to question why I hid it now, I was willing to apologize. However, at the same time, an immature dissatisfaction was sprouting in a corner of my heart, so I couldn’t hastily start the conversation. I began to question his week-long activities in Germany when he was unreachable.

Han Jae-yi, who had been waiting for me silently, sighed softly as if giving up on something. Then he comforted me with that gentle voice that rose like a heat haze.

“Well, that’s just what I thought. I was just curious. Relax your expression. Shall we get up if you’re done eating?”

He smiled and raised his upper body. He pulled down the coat hanging on the hanger and reached out his hand to me, who was still sitting.

I felt like I was being trained again. My current mood wasn’t in a position to afford any leeway. This vague feeling of dissatisfaction was floating unpleasantly in my mind. So I wanted to confirm.

“Did you meet Gisella in Germany?”

Seeing me stiffened, Han Jae-yi also withdrew the smile on his lips. Then he asked somewhat coldly.

“I’m curious why you’re making such an assumption.”

Irritation welled up at his tone, which seemed to be testing me rather than answering the question directly. The wound that had been barely sutured with sex and patience began to reopen.

“Don’t dodge the question. I’m asking if you two met.”

Han Jae-yi sighed at my serious tone.

“Is that important to you? Don’t you have anything else to say?”

Here we go again. Anger surged as we engaged in a conversation where we avoided answering and just kept chasing each other’s tails.

“No. So you answer my question too. Did you two meet?”

The cause of my growing discontent was clear. I was upset about his behavior in Germany, where he couldn’t answer calls or even send messages because he was busy. When he said he couldn’t eat because he was suffering all day, sadness and anger rushed in at the fact that he was meeting his ex-fiancée in a place where I wasn’t.

“Yes, we met briefly. It seems my father contacted Gisella a few times. I had to apologize for what my parents did, right? It didn’t seem right to do it over the phone, so I visited briefly. That’s all. Are you angry out of jealousy, or because you doubt me? Either way, don’t do it here. Do it at home. Get up.”

He urged me again, handing me the coat. His attitude made me angrier. That attitude of trying to gloss over it while he was the one who started it first. I was irritated by this situation where it seemed like I was the only one unable to control my emotions that were spreading like wildfire.

I stood up abruptly, just taking the coat, and left the room first. Without even putting on my shoes properly, I passed the hall table and held out my credit card to the employee at the counter. Han Jae-yi hurriedly followed.

“I’ll pay.”

“Just calculate it, please.”

The employee at the counter looked uneasy at my cold response, ignoring him. Han Jae-yi closed his mouth and waited behind me until I finished paying. Regardless, I left the restaurant alone. On the way to the car parked in the parking lot, I remembered. Han Jae-yi had the car key.

“Give me the key.”

“I’ll drive. You’ll get into an accident right away in that state.”

He gestured for me to get inside, opening the car door. After a moment’s thought, I got into the passenger seat. Han Jae-yi got into the driver’s seat and immediately stepped on the accelerator towards home.

In the car filled with silence for a while, I bit my lip and examined my own emotions. Who was this anger directed at?

It wasn’t at all about doubting Han Jae-yi’s feelings. If he had any lingering feelings for Gisella, I would have noticed. Then, as he said, was I really doing this blinded by jealousy? No, this was a sense of betrayal. It was mourning for my time spent waiting and longing for him during that week.

While he voluntarily mentioned meeting his parents, why did he hide meeting Gisella? Anger begins to turn into anxiety. She might have told Han Jae-yi about the conversation we had just before she dropped the bomb of breaking off the engagement. Things I didn’t think seriously about at the time kept coming back as worst-case scenarios lately, tormenting me.

“What did you talk about when you met?”

I asked in a low voice. My head hurt from constantly finding myself at odds with him.

“Do you really want to know?”

“Yes, I want to know.”

At my answer, Han Jae-yi didn’t immediately continue speaking, but focused on driving silently for a moment. It seemed like he was organizing in his mind what he should and shouldn’t say. Then, taking advantage of the moment when we stopped at a red light, his stiff voice that started pierced right through my heart.

“I met Gisella for exactly one hour at a cafe next to her office. It seems she received a few calls from my father, telling her to try and get me back if she had any lingering feelings. She politely refused and told him we were over. Then he asked how we ended it so suddenly. Suddenly tired of this fight, I guess she told him she was dumped by me. That’s what it was about. She asked if I was doing well with you. Do you want to hear more?”

“Yes.”

Then he continued in an even more mechanical voice.

“I said we were doing well. Talking about that made me feel sorry for Gisella again, so I apologized. I said I was sorry things turned out this way. These days, I’m always apologizing. I’m a sinner to everyone. Even you resent me. I, who dared to think about marriage while having you, am endlessly being punished. But it’s okay. I’m grateful that I realized it even that way thanks to her. Then Gisella laughed dejectedly. She asked if I still didn’t know. She asked if Maxi hadn’t told me. Do you want to hear more?”

I knew what he was going to say next. It was the moment my original sin would be revealed.

“Yes. I want to hear it.”

“Gisella told me about when she came to Korea. She said that while she was here, her doubts were turning into certainty as she watched you and me, but there was a decisive moment when she felt this marriage was wrong. She didn’t mention this when she broke off the engagement, but suddenly I became curious about it. So I asked when that was. Haa… She said it was when she met you separately on the first floor of the hotel.”

“…”

“Do you really want to hear more?”

I couldn’t answer, and by then the car had entered the alley in front of the villa. Han Jae-yi, who had been driving without emotion, put the car in reverse and turned it around. After finishing parking in one go, he pressed the side brake button, engaging the mechanical brake and turning off the engine.

Han Jae-yi, who had taken his hands off the steering wheel, stared straight ahead waiting for me. His question of whether I wanted to hear more meant whether I had the confidence to continue this fight. I contemplated but decided not to avoid it.

“Let’s talk inside. I have something to say too.”

Saying that, I got out first.

I had to cool my head as much as possible while going up to the house. If I didn’t resolve this properly here, it felt like he would misunderstand me forever.

It could be unpleasant. I understood Han Jae-yi enough. Without him knowing, Gisella and I had already determined his feelings and made a choice between us. However, it was purely a moral issue. He could be hurt and upset about it, but he couldn’t blame us for being wrong. I just stepped back one step to avoid getting caught up in their truth game. That’s really all it was.

If he felt that action was cowardly, I could just apologize, and if he asked why I didn’t tell him beforehand, it was like the case with Co-pilot Cho Min-woo. I didn’t want to waste emotions on something that had already passed.

While Han Jae-yi entered the living room and took off his shoes, I grabbed a newly bought beer from the fridge and drank it. My head felt a little cooler.

“Is it so serious that you can’t talk without drinking?”

Han Jae-yi, who had already sat on the sofa, asked while looking at me. He must have heard everything from Gisella, but did he want to confirm it from my own mouth? I explained to him, trying to empty my emotions as much as possible.

“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you beforehand. Actually, I had forgotten about it. Yes, I met Gisella just before going to the hotel’s Korean restaurant with you. She was the one who asked to meet first, and she said she knew I thought of you as more than a friend and wanted to break off the engagement. I didn’t want your relationship to fall apart because of me, so I tried to persuade her not to. But it was already too late. It seems she just wanted confirmation from me when she had already come to a conclusion on her own. So I pretended not to know. That’s all.”

“Is that why you asked me then? When we were eating, if I regretted deciding to get married?”

I was surprised that Han Jae-yi remembered even such a trivial conversation. It seemed that day was heavy for him too, in a different way than it was for me.

“…Yes.”

“Why didn’t you confess? Gisella said she even set the stage for you.”

At those words, I barely suppressed the emotions rising again and answered as dryly as possible.

“Because I didn’t want to influence your choice.”

“Ha…”

At my words, he burst into laughter as if feeling empty.

“I guess you knew. That I would break off the engagement and come to you. Maybe you were so confident that you didn’t feel the need to confess?”

“…”

“…That’s what Gisella said. If you had confessed, it would have been a fair play, but she said she couldn’t bear how pitiful she felt because of me, who chose you and left even though you didn’t even do that. She said she really regretted coming to see you.”

I gripped the beer can as if to crush it and bit my lip.

“Taking the side of your ex-fiancée in front of me. It’s really the worst.”

“I’m not taking her side. You said you wanted to hear what we talked about. So I’m just telling you exactly what was said. Let me ask one thing. After hearing all that, did you step back for my sake? Or was it for your pride?”

Han Jae-yi finally reached my original sin. In that last chapter when everything fell apart because of his marriage, Gisella Weber wanted the truth, and I chose pride. It was the result created by my lofty self-consciousness that demanded pure love without any semblance of misguided friendly consideration.

If asked whether I regretted it, I couldn’t answer. I don’t know myself. So I had no choice but to give the same answer to his question.

“I don’t know.”

I drank the beer. Sitting on the table like that, I stared into space.

It felt like I was sinking deeper and deeper into darkness. The numerous lines of conflict seemed to have become so tangled that they had reached a point where they could no longer be untangled. At first, it was nothing. Many things that I had been confident were nothing between him and me came back harboring poison. Each time they burst, we must have been slowly poisoned without even knowing it.

After a moment of silence, Han Jae-yi opened his mouth. His voice was tinged with even more loneliness.

“When I heard that story from Gisella, I was so angry I couldn’t control my expression. I felt like I had been deceived by both of you somehow. Then gradually, the resentment shifted towards you. What else could you be hiding? How long would I have to hear stories I didn’t know through someone other than you? Throughout my business trip, even in the midst of being so busy, I was unbearably angry. That’s why I couldn’t contact you often. I needed time to cool down on my own.”

I was looking at him but couldn’t reply. We looked at each other, scraping out our regrets.

“Suddenly, I had this thought. From the moment I realized I loved you, I couldn’t give you up for even a moment. How could you have thought of just letting me go? How could you have the composure to keep your pride even in such a desperate moment? So I started to doubt. Maybe because we’ve been together for so long, you were just mistakenly thinking you loved me out of habit.”

“Don’t say such nonsense. You and I are different in our ways.”

Han Jae-yi’s last words made me open my mouth urgently. I wanted to press him and let him know that thought was really wrong.

“Yes, I know. We’re different. You always keep your place, and I’m always moving. So I felt a bit miserable. If I stop this movement…”

“…”

“I wondered if we would no longer move forward.”

All the emotions I had emptied out rushed back in an instant, making it hard to breathe. Unable to say anything, I just focused on supporting my body that had stiffened like plaster. When I came to my senses, I realized we had come too far.

We really need to stop fighting like this now.