RSL Ch 80

Finally, by the time evening came, we were able to return to Gimpo Airport. All flights at Beijing Airport, including other airplanes that hadn’t yet received takeoff orders, were canceled that day. Breaking news appeared, and video clips taken by people at the scene were spread on the internet.

“CR851, returning the Beijing turn-around flight chart.”

“Oh, you came right away?”

“My goodness. You’ve been through a lot.”

“Did you see the accident scene directly?”

Many colleagues I encountered while returning the chart at the flight operations office asked about the accident, but the Co-pilot and I remained silent. We didn’t want to brag about being there as if it were an adventure story. Seeing the Co-pilot’s gloomy expression, I knew he was thinking the same as me. That accident could have happened to us.

Saved by the benevolence of a fate that passed us by, I thought of someone’s face. I missed Han Jae-yi terribly.

“Thank you for your hard work.”

“You too, Captain. Um… don’t think about anything and get some good rest.”

“Yes. Well then.”

I parted ways with the co-pilot and headed to the airport parking lot. Sitting alone in the driver’s seat, I closed my eyes for a moment. I wanted to savor the peace that silence brings. In a job where I always have to wear headphones and listen to communications, my hearing is always sensitive. The urgent voice shouting “Mayday” was still buzzing in my head.

The shock of witnessing death up close was quite heavy. None of the concerns I had been intensely pondering until then could dare to overcome that weight. After all, they were worries I could have only because I was alive.

This experience made me feel higher-dimensional emotions. For example, the difference between the sadness of not being able to meet the person I love, and the sense of loss felt when that person no longer exists in this world. Of course, I fear the latter more. The former is merely self-pity.

Now I have gained the courage to talk to Han Jae-yi. I was confident I wouldn’t be hurt no matter what thorny words he might say. I was rather happy that I could feel things like jealousy, possessiveness, and betrayal. After all, these were concerns I could have only because he was alive. I finally realized that hearing him say we should break up wasn’t the end of my abyss. I also knew that my feelings for Han Jae-yi were as deep as death itself.

The time I arrived home was around 8 PM. Like someone who had returned from a long journey, I stood in the alley in front of the villa, looking up at the lit living room. Fortunately, he seemed to be at home. The sound of dragging my cabin bag echoed from the alley to the top of the stairs. As I opened the front door and entered the living room, I found Han Jae-yi sitting blankly on a dining chair.

He was breathing and awake.

I didn’t need to muster courage. I approached him and put my hand on his shoulder. Han Jae-yi was fixated on the phone lying alone on the table. Then he slowly looked up at me.

His eyes were severely bloodshot. I could immediately tell that it was due to burst capillaries crushed by sadness.

“I think I need to go back to Germany.”

Han Jae-yi spoke to me in a heavily drenched voice, skipping any greeting. I instantly sensed that asking why would be a foolish action.

“My father was in a triple collision accident on the autobahn.”

By saying those words, it seemed he wanted to make himself realize the reality once again.

“…It seems he passed away at the scene.”

I let out a sigh and closed my eyes. The repeated horrors made me feel like my blood was rushing backwards. The smell of death that had been floating around me all day was vibrating from him.

I hugged Han Jae-yi just as he was. He slowly wrapped his arms around my waist and buried his face. The level of comfort I needed to offer was so different from before that it was painful. What should I do with you? His body was hot with fever. I buried my face on top of his head and slowly stroked his back. Unable to even imagine the sense of loss he must be feeling, I refrained from speaking.

Han Jae-yi remained silently in my embrace for a long time. If only I had come earlier. What had tied me to Beijing airport was also the shadow of death, so today there was no place for the living to stand.

So I caressed his hair, buried my lips on the crown of his head, and breathed into it. I didn’t mind if I had to comfort him like this all night. Han Jae-yi’s overly calm attitude made me rather anxious.

After a long while, he raised his head and spoke heavily.

“Is there a flight that can go directly to Germany?”

“I’ll check. Munich would be closer, right?”

“Anywhere is fine.”

I felt pain watching him let go of me weakly. Han Jae-yi’s expression, which I had never seen before, contained nothing but a sense of loss.

Without even changing out of my uniform, I immediately called the company. And I hurriedly arranged a ticket leaving for Munich early tomorrow morning. While I was dealing with various matters, Han Jae-yi sat blankly, thinking about something. He didn’t cry. He didn’t seem ready to express direct sorrow yet.

“Don’t you need to contact your company?”

I wanted to help organize any personal matters he might be overlooking. Han Jae-yi weakly picked up his phone and sent a message to someone. I guessed it was probably lawyer Choi Jeong-yeon.

“Did you receive the news from your mother?”

“Yeah.”

“You should go quickly and be by her side.”

“Yeah.”

He, who had been answering soullessly, lowered his head again. Having no siblings, he would have no one to rely on. Although I wasn’t recognized as his lover, it was true that I was his closest friend, so even if I might be turned away at the door, I wanted to safely push him into his family’s arms.

“Should I… go with you?”

Then he looked up at me. Our eyes met briefly, but it didn’t last long.

“It’s okay. I think it’ll be chaotic going through the procedures. The funeral arrangements will probably take more than a week. Come for the funeral procession.”

Han Jae-yi’s words made sense. Even if I went with him, there was nothing I could do. I’m neither his family nor his legal partner. I wanted to comfort him by his side, but if he refused that too, I had no other means. Right now, we were straddling an ambiguous boundary, neither broken up nor dating.

We needed to sort out this relationship that had just ended in catastrophe, but the situation was spiraling to the worst. I had missed the timing to apologize to him, and I didn’t know when we would be able to talk about us again. For the first time in Han Jae-yi’s life, I had been pushed back in priority.

“Okay. Let me know when the funeral church is decided, I’ll take leave right away. Do you want to eat something? Though it probably won’t go down.”

His face, which I was seeing after two days, had noticeably become gaunt. I spoke up wanting to return the care he had given me, but it had little effect.

“People don’t die from not eating for a few days. Pretend you don’t notice.”

It meant don’t ask now, and don’t ask in the future either. I agreed and waited for him for a while.

Han Jae-yi was lost in thought, tapping his fingers on the table. And he was suffering, recalling something.

I sat quietly across from him, watching him. Although I had been dealing with a flight accident all day, strangely, I wasn’t tired at all. As if under a powerful spell, I watched Han Jae-yi and waited for his words. It seemed like he wanted to say something. I could also see that he was struggling, unable to speak easily.

“…I can’t forget the last words I said to my father.”

The words he finally uttered were of regret.

“I was angry and told him let’s live without ever seeing each other again.”

My heart sank as I remembered what had made Han Jae-yi say those words.

“He went to church all his life, so he must have gone to God’s side as he wished.”

“…”

“Instead, I feel like I’ll never be able to receive salvation.”

Only then did I find the source of the smell that had been emanating from him. We were standing right in the middle of hell.

I stayed awake until dawn. I needed to rest my body to take him to the airport early tomorrow morning, but it wasn’t working out as I intended. For a while now, I had been frozen like a wax figure, my gaze fixed on the small bedside lamp. All my senses were focused on the sounds coming from outside.

Han Jae-yi came out to the living room again. It was already the third time. I could hear everything – the sound of him opening the door of the small room where he was staying, the sound of him drinking water, even the sound of him breathing as he sat in a dining chair. I thought about opening the door and going out, but decided against it. Having been rejected when I asked to go to Germany with him, I didn’t know what else I could do. I am a helpless person.

At some point, the sound of Han Jae-yi’s movements disappeared. Wondering if he had gone back to his room, I perked up my ears. That’s when the door to my bedroom opened, and he appeared out of the dark gloom. In those few hours, his face had become even more haggard in every corner.

“I think I need to get some sleep after all.”

“Okay. Do you want to sleep here?”

I wondered if he had been uncomfortable in the unfamiliar bed. I thought I should give him the large bed and go to the small room myself. That’s when he grabbed my hand, stopping me from turning away.

“It’s not because of the bed.”

“…”

I stood still, looking at Han Jae-yi, unable to shake off the hand that held mine. Did this mean he needed me? I remembered his words from before, saying he always found himself seeking me out when he was stressed. Slowly pulling the hand he was holding towards himself, Han Jae-yi said,

“Let’s sleep here together.”

I nodded at his words. Then, without a word, I climbed onto the bed and lay down.

Han Jae-yi curled up like a snake and buried his face in my shoulder. Then he took a deep breath. The tips of his long fingers lightly touched my arm. The movement of him gently stroking my arm gradually stopped, and he fell asleep almost immediately, as if by magic. I pulled up the blanket to cover him. This was all I could do, and it felt so pitiful.

Strangely, from the moment he fell asleep, I too was overcome with drowsiness. All the physical and mental fatigue that had accumulated throughout the day came rushing in at once. I closed my eyes, feeling his soft breathing. Sleep pulled me in without hesitation.

That night, I dreamed of a dying sheep. I was walking in a wasteland where there was nothing but rough piles of stones and a few tufts of dry grass. I found a sheep that had strayed from its herd and approached it, but it seemed too late. I tried to strangle the gasping young lamb to put it at ease.

‘Did the bhikkhu enjoy paradise?’

Kamala, her face turning a sickly blue, approached me and smiled. Unable to answer, I took a step back. She reeked of death. My hands, which had been strangling the sheep, were turning blue.

‘Is it time to pay the price now?’

I asked like a Samanera^[1] seeking enlightenment. But she just passed by without a word. Soon, I realized that the sheep had stopped breathing. I could no longer feel the spark of life that had once been here. The courtesan Kamala had died from  a poisonous snake bite, and I had not been breathing from the beginning.