RSL Ch 81

When I woke from the nightmare, Han Jae-yi was already gone from my side. It was morning. I was drenched in sweat and had a dry cough from the burning thirst.

I went into the bathroom and washed my face with cold water. By now, more than half of the dream’s content had evaporated and I couldn’t remember it. Yet my body felt oppressed and stuffy. It was that kind of feeling. That feeling when the source of fear is gone, but you’re still trembling in fear alone. To gather my wits, I became aware of reality in the way I always did.

This is Seoul, Han Jae-yi’s father passed away in an accident yesterday.

I changed my clothes and went out to the living room. When I opened the door to the small room, Han Jae-yi was packing his things. Even in that hectic moment, he greeted me good morning when he saw me. I stared at him for a moment and then offered to warm up some milk for him.

“Yeah. Thanks.”

Since he agreed, I went to the kitchen and took out a small pot. Then I opened a carton of milk from the refrigerator and poured it in. It boils quickly, so I can’t leave it unattended. As soon as bubbles started to form, I immediately turned off the heat and poured it into a mug. I added a spoonful of honey and stirred it in.

This was our usual remedy for each other when we caught a cold or weren’t feeling well. Han Jae-yi wasn’t sick with a cold now, but he had caught a disease of the heart and was burning with fever.

As he took the mug of milk from me, he said,

“I think we should leave in about 20 minutes.”

“Okay. You’ll be very tired in economy class. See if you can upgrade when you check in.”

“I will.”

“If you need any more luggage, like clothes, let me know. I can set them aside and bring them when I come.”

“It’s okay. I won’t have many occasions to dress up anyway.”

He drank the milk with a weak smile. His attempt at humor seemed lonely. I wished he would just cry.

I’ve never seen Han Jae-yi cry. Unlike me, he was always honest and expressive, but he never showed himself shedding tears. Or to put it more accurately, he probably never experienced anything that would make him cry. I thought that since he had lived such a blessed life, his first trial would be even more severe.

“…Are you okay?”

I hesitated a bit before asking him. He put the mug to his lips once more and let the warm milk flow down his throat. Then he answered,

“I don’t know. It doesn’t feel real yet. For now, I’m just thinking about the things that need to be taken care of. I’m also afraid that once the dam breaks, I won’t be able to stop.”

I nodded at his words. Misfortune that comes too suddenly takes time to take root. He muttered that he would have to grieve for the rest of his life anyway, so it wouldn’t matter if he started a day or two late.

I once read such a passage in a book long ago. It said that people have two major experiences in life: one when they have a child, and another when they face the death of a parent.

These two experiences were said to open one’s eyes to an unknown world and make one look back at other aspects of life they wanted to ignore. The content suggested cherishing these experiences as they become the biggest catalysts for change in a person. I will not experience either of them.

Han Jae-yi packed a large pair of sunglasses. He checked the keys to his German house and car that he hadn’t used for a while, along with his passport and cash, preparing to leave this place. He came out to the living room with his suitcase and closed the door.

I already knew from experiencing it several times, but he always leaves traces. As he had stayed for a long time, this small room was now filled with his belongings. It will be hard for me to open this door again.

Although we hadn’t broken up, I felt miserable at the fact that I couldn’t gauge when he would return. I felt a bit disgusted with myself as a human being for having such thoughts in front of his grief over losing his father.

“Let’s go.”

He left the house first, and I closed the door.

We didn’t have much conversation after that last word he said as we left the house. Not in the car on the way to the airport, not until we finished check-in and entered the departure lounge. As if by agreement, we kept our mouths shut and maintained silence.

I observed him whenever I had a chance. I watched and paid attention to where he was looking and what he might be thinking. Hundreds of words were floating in my head, but I struggled internally, not knowing what to say. If we were just moderately close, I would have already comforted him sufficiently and felt at ease.

In fact, this situation wasn’t easy for me to handle either. Han Jae-yi’s misfortune gave me an equal amount of despair, but I wasn’t the protagonist of this misfortune. So I had to spend the remaining time quite normally.

After he leaves, I would have to eat alone and go on a flight tomorrow. If someone asked, I would have to end with a reason like “a close friend lost his father,” which wasn’t a deep enough reason to indulge in melancholy. At times like this, I wish life had a “pause” button.

“Go back. Thanks for dropping me off.”

Han Jae-yi spoke first in the departure lounge. I couldn’t read his eyes because of the large sunglasses covering his face. After thinking for a moment, I quietly hugged him. It was an embrace permitted only here, where most people are parting.

Han Jae-yi, who stood stiffly in my embrace, felt like a soulless wooden doll. That’s why I held him for a long time.

“It’s not your fault. Don’t blame yourself.”

I managed to pull out one of the carefully chosen words and let him hear it. It might not be comforting right now, but words only have meaning when they’re spoken. Words heard from others float weakly in one’s mind and exert their power once in a while when the time is right. Whenever that might be, I hoped he would recall my words and find even a little comfort in his heart.

Ridiculously, it was also what I wanted to hear. On top of the existing guilt of ruining Han Jae-yi’s life, now another one was added. The regret for him who will mourn and regret the last moment with his father for the rest of his life. Don’t blame yourself. I wished someone would say that to me too.

We held each other for a while without saying anything. It was too long for a hug between friends, too dry for lovers. I patted his back and was the first to pull away.

He raised his hand and lightly stroked my cheek. And with the words “I’ll call,” he disappeared into the departure area.

* * *

Three days later, I received a call from Han Jae-yi. He said the church and cemetery for the funeral had been decided. When I asked about the circumstances, thinking it had been handled faster than expected, he said close acquaintances of his parents had helped. Professor Weber and his wife had been of great help.

There was no room for emotions like jealousy in such an absolute situation. It was true that the two families had been close, so it was right to receive help. Perhaps this time, I would be the uninvited guest.

“They’ve already put the name in the obituary section of the local newspaper. Being a lawyer, she’s really quick with handling things.”

While listening to Chris’s voice coming through the speakerphone, I was packing my cabin bag for today’s flight.

“I thought you’d go with him. Was it difficult to cancel your flight? Why did you send him alone?”

“There’s nothing I can do even if I go.”

“What do you mean nothing? How important it is to be by someone’s side at times like this. Maxi, you’re my brother, but sometimes you’re frighteningly rational to the point of being scary.”

Hearing those words reminded me of Han Jae-yi, who used to get angry saying I keep putting on airs. Now that I was hearing such things even from Chris, I felt a bit wronged. I have emotions too, and there are many times when I don’t make rational judgments. I know how to make mistakes and avoid responsibility too. I’m not a machine, I don’t understand why everyone misunderstands like this.

“I offered to go with him, but Jae-yi refused.”

I confessed to my brother, mustering great courage. However, the response was a bit different from what I expected.

“So what, did you think he’d immediately say thank you and ask you to come along? He knows full well you have a flight schedule, right? Of course, Jae-yi would refuse out of consideration. You should have just pretended not to know and gone with him anyway, you fool.”

After being called a fool, I felt even more wronged and went on to provide additional explanation.

“It’s not that, we had a fight just before he received news of the accident. Quite severely.”

“So what? Did you think you’d never fight and have some century’s love story or something?”

Chris sighed as if in disbelief and gave me a lecture.

“You two need to fight more. You need to see each other’s worst sides and look at the bottom too. You need to break some illusions about each other. Do you understand what I’m saying? You’re both trying too hard to be the perfect lover. Are you two filming a movie? You need to live in reality, Maxi.”

He had a point. I was completely persuaded by Chris’s words. Yes, maybe we were really too engrossed in playing the perfect couple game.

In the process of living with Han Jae-yi, I tried to quickly fill in even the smallest gap if I saw one. I didn’t want to show any inadequate parts. I thought it would be too painful to see him disappointed in me.

Han Jae-yi probably felt the same way. He was suffering to the point of saying he was the one who had been tested to the limits of patience in this relationship. I could understand a bit of the pressure he must have felt between us.

“Why didn’t you say such things earlier, Chris?”

“Just be glad you’ve realized it now. You’re living together, so you’ll have to see much worse things in the future, right? Anyway, the timing is not good now. At times like this, you should be by his side, don’t you think?”

“Yes, I know. But we really had a severe fight. Moreover, Jae-yi was estranged from his father because of me. He said he had said harsh things, not knowing his father would pass away so suddenly. It’s the worst situation for him right now. My presence might stress him out even more.”

“What’s stressful about having someone you like by your side?”

“Maybe he doesn’t like me anymore.”

Chris snorted softly at my words.

“As if you’d stop liking him. Don’t tell me Jae-yi asked to break up?”

“It’s not like that.”

“Then stop moping around alone and come over a few days early. Be shameless and stay by his side pretending not to know. Got it?”

“…”

It’s at times like these that I really feel Chris is my brother. Even though he wasn’t scolding me, when he gave me advice, I could only listen silently like a mute who had eaten honey. It had been that way since we were very young. I believed everything Chris said was true. He, who was prone to exaggeration, always enjoyed the fact that I would believe whatever he said. That’s why he still enjoys nagging me.

“Maximilian, did you hear me?”

“It’s not like I can suddenly take vacation days…”

“Say you’re sick. There must be standby staff.”

“I don’t want to lie.”

“Just live a little more carelessly sometimes. Sometimes when I look at you, even I feel suffocated by your personality, seriously. Do some bad things, make some mistakes, okay? And call me more often. You got that?”

“Okay, I got it.”

“Good. I’m hanging up then.”

Chris arbitrarily took my answer as affirmative and hung up. I alternated between looking at my now-silent phone and the cabin bag I was packing. As much as I wanted to go to Germany right away, I had to finish this flight first. I felt pathetic for returning to square one without even a second of hesitation, despite receiving such a lecture from my brother.

“What a fool,” I muttered to myself as I folded my uniform again and continued packing.