RSL Ch 83

Though I was never accepted by Han Jae-yi’s father until the end, there was no resentment or hatred left because death corrodes the emotions that arose before. So I didn’t apologize to him for my feelings toward Jae-yi either. As I observed a moment of silence, I recalled a passage from Demian that he had once lent me:

‘We can understand each other, but each of us can only interpret ourselves.’

I’m sure you understood well enough. May you rest in peace. With that, I settled my relationship with Jae-yi’s father.

As the funeral procession ended, family and relatives began moving to a prearranged cafe for cake and tea. Other acquaintances prepared to return home. With this, the funeral was over. Here, people don’t deliberately cry or laugh. German funerals are stoic and quiet.

“Come with me. I reserved a seat for you too,” Jae-yi approached and said. He looked visibly tired.

“Thanks, but I don’t think it’s my place to join. Your mother seemed unwell – take good care of her.”

He immediately understood my roundabout refusal and nodded. Then he turned back to his waiting family.

Watching Jae-yi’s retreating figure, I thought: Even grief is a luxury indulged when one could afford, but when would he ever be able to grieve properly after the loss of his father. His promise to start grieving a day or two late was being increasingly delayed.

“Maxi, long time no see.”

Just then, someone approached me. It was Gisella.

“It’s been a while. Have you been well?”

She glanced at me with a slight smile. Perhaps wondering why I’d ask such an obvious question when she clearly hadn’t been well. I shrugged, making an excuse. It’s just a greeting, the usual one.

“Well, I’ve been okay in my own way. Things quiet down, then something like this happens again. It was quite a shock. You’re not upset that I’m here, are you? I was close to Professor Han too. That’s why I came.”

“I know. It’s fine.”

“Are you staying here for a few days? Did you take time off?”

“No, I just canceled one flight to come. I need to head back right away.”

“That’s cold, Maxi. Shouldn’t you stay by his side?”

She asked me, pulling her black trench coat tighter. I let out a small sigh. Everyone asks the same question, and it’s always awkward to answer. Moreover, I had no desire to gossip about private matters with Jae-yi to Gisella.

“It’s hard to take more time off so soon after a long vacation. I’ll come back when I have flights here.”

That was true. With many flight schedules to Europe remaining, I planned to visit again anytime. It’s not like I intended to wait alone in Korea, wallowing in self-pity. I believed that staying as close as possible was the best I could do for Jae-yi right now. Maintaining an appropriate distance, but able to reach out whenever needed – that kind of position.

“Did Jae-yi… not say anything?”

Gisella looked somewhat apologetic as she studied my expression. I could guess what she was about to bring up. Her confession had led Jae-yi and me to see each other’s vulnerabilities.

I had something I wanted to ask Gisella too. I’d been curious for a long time, but never had the chance, and even if I did, it didn’t seem proper, so I thought I’d never know. But today, it felt okay to bring it up.

“Shall we walk a bit?”

She nodded at my suggestion. We walked along the forest path next to the cemetery. Fallen leaves were piled thickly like blankets on the unpaved road. We stepped on them as we walked. The crunching sound of leaves breaking underfoot matched how forlorn we looked walking together.

“Back then, why didn’t you confess?”

Gisella spoke first. She probably resented me. She wouldn’t have known then that the “fair play” she spoke of was actually for herself, not me. But I hadn’t done it to torment her and Jae-yi either.

“I wanted to preserve my pride.”

My answer was always the same.

“You liked him a lot. What if I had just married him? Would that have been okay with you? Or did you know he would choose you?”

I silently stared straight ahead. The birch-lined forest path was so deep that the end was not in sight. I recalled the days when I wasted time with Han Jae-yi, unable to answer the same question he had asked me. Now I resolved to let go of everything and be honest.

“I wasn’t certain, but I didn’t think there was no possibility at all.”

“I thought so…”

“Don’t misunderstand. I just didn’t have the capacity then. I was jealous of you and felt betrayed by Jae-yi. In the midst of that, I didn’t want to confess first and ask him to like me. I also thought that if his feelings were so weak he couldn’t even realize them himself, it would be better for his life to marry you.”

“That’s admirable.”

“It’s selfish.”

The autumn wind of October came down long, pushing cold air to the ground. She put her hands in her coat pockets, straightened her back, and let out a deep breath. A handful of warm breath quickly scattered into the air.

“I was selfish too. I thought that if you had confessed, it would have been a situation where I was backstabbed by you two, so even if I called off the engagement, I would feel better. But it ended up being strictly an issue between Jae-yi and me. So at first, I didn’t know how much I hated you.”

“I heard. I regret that point too.”

“It’s okay. I think it was a good choice. I only realized recently, but I think I was able to give up more cleanly because we broke up like that. Jae-yi really didn’t waver at all, about your existence…”

Gisella trailed off, looking straight ahead as if recalling that time. Our steps also slowed down a bit.

“What did he say?”

“Jae-yi didn’t tell you? You guys are surprisingly secretive about these things.”

“I heard roughly. He said if you were going to get married, you would prefer him not to see me anymore.”

She laughed out loud as if remembering that moment.

“Yes, that kind of shocked him, and he started taking it seriously from then on.”

Actually, I had been curious about this part all along. It’s also why I suggested walking together with her.

On that day when Han Jae-yi discussed the breakup with Gisella, there must have been a moment when he became aware of our relationship. Since it was the conclusion I reached while struggling with jealousy and betrayal, I didn’t think his case would be much different.

Perhaps it was a result chosen out of an inability to bear the sense of loss of 15 years at a crossroads of choice. The seed of doubt that Han Jae-yi had harbored towards me had sprouted and grown within me as well.

“How should I put it… It seemed like Jae-yi thought of you as a default value in his life. Like he thought he couldn’t decide whether to see you or not? Isn’t that ridiculous in an age where even family members can become strangers if they cut ties? I told him to come to his senses. I said it looked like love to me.”

“…”

“But until the end, he said you guys weren’t like that. I was a bit happy until then. I thought maybe I shouldn’t push it this far if he says it’s not. I left him alone for a few days, thinking he might sort it out on his own if given time. But exactly a week later, he came and said let’s break off the engagement. I was so angry I couldn’t even speak, and he even got down on his knees and said he was sorry. Ha, really… I was so furious then. Haha.”

Gisella was laughing, but her brow was furrowed. It was clear that she was hurting again as she told me about that day, which was clearly not a good memory. We had stopped walking by now.

“After that, knowing he ran straight to you, I gave up cleanly. How about you? Were you happy when he came?”

Gisella turned her head towards me, brushing back her flying blonde hair. It was a simple question, as if asking for the winner’s thoughts, but I couldn’t answer simply.

“Well, it’s hard to explain because it’s a bit of a complex emotion to just say I was happy. Anyway, I’m sorry. Although I didn’t interfere, you ended up getting hurt because of us. Just know that it wasn’t an easy decision for Jae-yi either. He still feels very sorry towards you.”

In the end, I admitted it. That I too was responsible for their broken engagement. Even if my apology wouldn’t change anything, I wanted to relieve at least one of the many things that gave Han Jae-yi a guilty conscience.

The moment I heard that he had gotten down on his knees and apologized, I wanted to jump into that scene without realizing it. I wanted to lift him up saying what did you do so wrong, but come to think of it, it was I who had tormented him the most, calling him a traitor.

“I know. If he had been a really bad guy, I would have dumped him first. Jae-yi is a good man. He was the most romantic person in my life. Don’t worry, I’ve forgiven him. Now I really don’t mind at all.”

Gisella took her hands out of her pockets as if to prove her innocence, spread her arms, and smiled. Then she stepped forward a few paces, turned back, and stood facing me directly.

“What is Jae-yi to you?”

She threw a somewhat out-of-the-blue question. It also seemed like she was enjoying watching me feel uncomfortable with such a personal topic. She stretched her neck long and cast her gaze obliquely, scanning my expression. I didn’t answer immediately.

“Why do you ask such a thing?”

“Just because. I asked Jae-yi the same question back then too. What exactly was Maxie to you.”

She raised her eyebrows as she said this, asking if I wasn’t curious about Han Jae-yi’s answer at the time. When I remained silent, she turned her body back towards the front and walked on as if bored. I followed silently behind her, pondering for a long time. I was afraid but wanted to know.

“What did he say?”

To my question, asked after hesitation, Gisella nodded and uttered one word.

“Friend.”

It was the answer I had expected.

“And everything.”

She turned around, walking backwards, and smiled at me. Unable to give a perfect affirmation to that question, I just kept walking. The forest path continued endlessly.

With her words, the mirage of distrust that had briefly sprouted within me disappeared like smoke. ‘Everything,’ huh. That’s not just a friend. The thought process that Han Jae-yi must have felt at the time came to me like a hint. When he uttered those contradictory words and gained realization, did his world collapse, or was it newly created?

I recalled the day he kissed me silently in Rome. My heart fluttered at his resolve and courage. Even if I had pushed him away that day, Han Jae-yi probably wouldn’t have left my side. This is how certainty is born. The ‘certainty’ he had always claimed about me was finally coming true.

But where do we stand now? I remembered his face, collapsing with an expression of having lost ‘everything,’ hurt by the curse created by my guilt. A fierce pain arose. It felt like I was belatedly paying the price for love gained without my own effort.

“Maxie, you’re too quiet.”

“Sorry. I was just thinking for a moment.”

“His answer is touching, isn’t it? Hearing a love confession through someone else’s mouth must be thrilling.”

Gisella playfully took each step as if something was so funny. She strode ahead with her long legs as if walking on a runway, then waited for me there and walked together matching my pace. She seemed to be in a good mood for someone who had just attended a funeral. Seeing her like this, I thought that perhaps she might be feeling triumphant about this situation.

She must know that I’ve become the culprit who ruined their son’s life in Han Jae-yi’s parents’ eyes. So she might have deliberately approached his mother to console her and enjoyed that moment. I’m a rational person, not a kind one, so I don’t always interpret human intentions in a positive light.

I have multifaceted feelings towards Gisella. Regret for the difficult past few months she must have had because of me, and jealousy that she once had Han Jae-yi. Nevertheless, gratitude for the role she played in knocking some sense into his unawareness, and now suspicion about her behavior that seems to be testing me today.

So I asked directly.

“Do you still have feelings for Jae-yi?”

She laughed out loud.

“Not at all. I’m just, how do I put it? Curious about you two.”