RSL Ch 97

He stopped abruptly. He remained motionless, half-leaning into the refrigerator. It was as if time had stopped only in the space where he was. The refrigerator beeped, begging to be closed.

Han Jae-yi slowly turned his head to look at me. His expression was very serious and surprised. Knowing that I wasn’t the type to joke about such things, he slowly asked again.

“…Are you serious?”

“Yes, was it too sudden?”

I smiled slightly, touching my shoulder.

“I’m not saying we should do it right away, so you don’t need to answer immediately. I just wanted to let you know that I want to.”

Wanting to become part of his family might be my selfish desire. Not everyone who loves gets married, and not everyone who gets married is happy. In fact, Han Jae-yi had already attempted marriage once and reached a catastrophic end. So this kind of talk might feel burdensome to him.

“Why… did you suddenly think of this?”

He asked curiously, still with a surprised expression.

Well, we’ve already confirmed our love through a difficult process, so there’s no need to prove it again through a social institution. Even a same-sex marriage that we couldn’t announce to some people. Yet, if asked why I still want to do it, I had to explain the conclusion I had reached after experiencing all this tragedy.

“I’ve had the opportunity to think a lot about marriage lately. Of course, I’ve always been skeptical about this institution. Even now, I don’t think marriage is the end goal of dating, nor should it be. But still, I wondered why people get married. I thought about that.”

Han Jae-yi was listening quietly.

“The conclusion I came to is that it’s because they want to become family.”

I was speaking like a scholar who had made some great discovery, but in reality, my heart wasn’t so composed. In my effort to convey without misunderstanding, I chose my words too carefully and failed to convey enough emotion. My monotone voice continued.

“I also thought a lot about what family means. I was a bit unlucky at birth, so the meaning I attached to it was simple. People who share blood, nothing more, nothing less. But watching our parents, and experiencing my feelings for you, I recently realized that’s not all there is to it.”

“…”

“Everyone might think differently, but at least for me now, family is a relationship where you can reveal pain you can’t show to others and receive comfort. But it’s a relationship where you don’t need to repay.”

I took a breath and continued.

“So I thought, while we date people we want to share happy moments with, we marry those we want to share even our unhappiness with.”

I raised my slightly lowered gaze to look at his face.

“I want to share your unhappiness too. That’s why. That’s the reason.”

Yes, that was all. I was distressed that I couldn’t be by his side when he experienced great deprivation, and I didn’t want to leave him alone when he still occasionally wanders. After confessing all these seemingly trivial reasons, the atmosphere became awkward.

I really have no talent in this area. Feeling embarrassed, I casually slipped my hands into my pockets.

“I’m sorry that the proposal was so uncool.”

Han Jae-yi smiled faintly at my joke and lowered his gaze. The clock on the oven turned to 7 o’clock. I heard the sound of water boiling inside the dishwasher. As the still surroundings slowly began to move, he quietly began to speak.

“How do you… even propose so elegantly?”

Looking up at me, he didn’t hide the wavering in his eyes. His breathing grew louder, as if his chest was full. Biting his lip slightly and swallowing, he shared his second impression.

“It was more touching than any words I’ve ever heard in my life.”

Affirmation was already melting on his face.

His eyes, brimming with happiness, conveyed the same. His expression, which seemed helpless as he kept biting his lips, was also the same. Judging from these series of reactions, it seemed he had accepted my proposal. We slowly approached each other and embraced.

Han Jae-yi’s embrace was comfortable. He and I pressed our bodies close like people on a small boat in a quiet pond. We hugged tightly like people who would be in big trouble if we let go. I burst into laughter at his words about needing to find a newlywed home. Happiness leaked out uncontrollably.

“But you haven’t answered yet,” I said jokingly.

Han Jae-yi chuckled softly, tickling my neck. He gently cupped my face. Then, making me lean on his shoulder, he whispered in my ear as if to make sure I heard clearly.

“Let’s get married, Seo-jin. I want to share your unhappiness too.”

The words he uttered gained life and spread their wings. With an overwhelming feeling, I hugged him tighter.

It was an afternoon one day after St. Nicholas Day, and two weeks before the Christmas weekend. The noisy sound of the dishwasher could be heard, and outside the window, neighborhood children were having a snowball fight. We had an early dinner together and played around on the sofa. It was an ordinary day in an unremarkable daily life.

I proposed to Han Jae-yi, and he said yes.

Under the pretext of taking me to the hotel, he walked with me through the snowy Munich. Although it was obvious we were taking increasingly longer detours, I didn’t want to stop him. We passed through the English Garden and entered Marienplatz. Under the white Gothic-style spire, light bulbs were scattered like fireflies. A Christmas market was being held.

“Let’s stop by for a bit.”

It had been a while, so I was excited. Han Jae-yi followed me in with an expression that suggested he had no choice. Pushing through the crowd to the inside, we saw a row of makeshift stalls made from converted trucks.

Warm Glühwein (mulled German wine) steamed and spread its aroma. Large snowman-shaped bread decorated the stalls. We passed by people preparing for a puppet show. While looking at a stall piled high with ugly Santa ornaments, Han Jae-yi grabbed my arm and took me somewhere.

“How about we each choose one we like?”

It was an antique stall. Old accessories, seemingly thrown in haphazardly, were in wooden barrels. They were so rusted it was hard to tell what metal they were made of. Or maybe they were deliberately made to look that way. Among them were rings that looked about 100 years old.

“Choose carefully. If you’re lucky, you might find something from the time of the Prussian Kingdom,” said the old man promoting his wares, touching his rough beard. Of course, it was likely a lie. But it didn’t matter. We didn’t need the kind of setup where you fall in love after buying a 100-year-old item from an antique shop. I picked up a ring carved with a laurel branch. I handed it to Han Jae-yi, firmly stating,

“If you’re thinking of just making do with this, I’ll have to decline. I’m planning to buy you one with a diamond.”

He nodded, smiling.

“Sure, that’s fine for the wedding ring, but for now, I just want to buy something to commemorate this.”

What Han Jae-yi chose was a plain gold ring without any pattern. Of course, neither of them fit our sizes. Still, after exchanging rings in this old-fashioned act, it started to feel a bit more real. We really are engaged.

Fortunately, the old man only charged a reasonable price. He even threw in a small Rudolf figurine as a bonus. We put everything in our coat pockets and moved on to another place. I kept rolling the ring in my pocket.

Han Jae-yi brought a cup of Glühwein from the crowded stall. The warm mug gave off the scent of orange and cinnamon. The hot steam evaporated with the alcohol, filling my nose and throat. I had to cough a couple of times before I could take a sip. It felt like warm blood was circulating.

After putting down the cup, I received a bag of pastries he had just bought. I really like these kinds of sweets. Whenever we traveled together, Han Jae-yi always found something sweet for me. He would hand me cake, ice cream, sugar-coated bread, or even chocolate secretly taken from the hotel if nothing else was available.

I took out a sugar cookie and broke it in half. After brushing off the crumbling cookie powder and tasting it, I put the remaining half in Han Jae-yi’s mouth.

“It’s extremely sweet.”

I warned him in advance. Crunching the cookie in his mouth, he nodded. His expression scrunched up a bit.

Sometimes I feel sorry for him. It’s like his fate to always taste sweet foods because of me. He’s been doing this for 15 years, and it’s going to be even harder from now on. Thinking about this, I couldn’t help but smile again.

“Why are you smiling?”

He asked, finally finishing the cookie in his mouth and drinking some Glühwein.

“You know, it’s like when you can’t stop smiling over nothing. I’m in that state right now.”

Han Jae-yi looked at me with a face infected by my smile. He whispered, as if he couldn’t hold back,

“Can I come up to the hotel with you?”

“No.”

I gently hit his shoulder, stopping him. Then I turned to return the mug.

We walked back to the hotel after leaving the Christmas market. Maybe because of the warm alcohol, the cold seemed to have subsided. Warm breath escaped from my heated mouth.

The distance that would have been covered quickly if I were alone wasn’t shrinking, as if we were walking in place. When it’s time to part, all lovers become tortoises. We crept along slowly, feeling regretful at the sight of the hotel entrance that inconsiderately gaped before us.

Now I have to send him off. At my words of farewell, Han Jae-yi hugged me. It was an uncommon sight here too, so passersby, while pretending not to, glanced at us from the corners of their eyes.

“Jae-yi, I think we’ve been hugging for too long.”

Even after quite some time had passed, he showed no intention of letting go. I tried to coax him quietly, but he said, as if it didn’t matter,

“It’s okay, we’re getting married.”

That’s right. I found myself unknowingly persuaded by those words. And so, feeling a long lingering emotion, I unashamedly regretted parting with him.

* * *

The airport was surprisingly busy, bustling with the peak Christmas holiday season. I left the staff room, passed through the arrival lobby, and stepped outside. I draped my coat over my shoulders and held a warm can of coffee I had just bought from the convenience store. Disliking getting too accustomed to indoor air, I’ve recently started spending 10 minutes outside after each flight to get some fresh air.

It had been 2 weeks and 3 days since I reunited with Han Jae-yi. We contacted each other more frequently to make up for not seeing each other. At his request to hear my voice, I sent him voice messages several times. I didn’t refuse anything he asked for. Perhaps because of this, he seemed to be testing the limits these days.

Yesterday, he asked me to send a picture of myself in uniform, standing in front of the bathroom mirror. It was a request I would have coldly rejected in the past, but now I complied with his wishes obediently.

In return, I could hear his laughing voice. That laughter was the nourishment that helped me endure this difficult time. It was also the support that held back my desire to run to him when exhausted from longing.

Among the people trying to board the airport limousine bus, I spotted a familiar face. Feeling glad, I called out his name.

“Jamie.”

The brown-haired, blue-eyed man looked over when he heard his name. He waved enthusiastically as he approached me, as if he had met a savior.

“Maximilian, did you have a flight? It’s been a while.”

“It has. I was a bit late coming out because I had some business. Are you going home?”

“Ah, well, you could say that. But I don’t have a home. I’m still staying at a hotel.”

Jamie made a pitiful expression. Seeing him like that reminded me of myself half a year ago, which made me laugh.

He’s a Canadian captain who recently transferred to our company. I remembered his name because we were coincidentally paired on a flight once. Perhaps because we’re around the same age and both foreigners, he always seemed glad to see me too. He has a good personality, always coming over to greet me even from afar when we happen to see each other. Today, I was the one who greeted him first.

“Which hotel are you staying at?”

“Ah, what was the name again?”

He took out his phone and carefully pronounced the difficult Korean name. As I always think, he’s quite short for a Westerner. Maybe around 170cm? Perhaps that’s why he always makes me feel like I want to take care of him.

“I’ll give you a ride. Go get your luggage.”

Jamie’s expression brightened at my words, and he followed me with the cabin bag he had left at the bus stop. I threw the empty can in the trash and headed to the parking lot with him. Walking beside me with quick steps, he asked,

“Where did you fly to?”

“I went to Sydney. How about you?”

“Hawaii. Every time I go there, I feel like it’s paradise on earth.”

“You must have hated coming back. I felt the same. Sydney is in midsummer Christmas now, right? Ah, put your luggage in the back.”

I loaded his luggage along with my bag in the trunk and we got in the car right away. Actually, the hotel he was staying at was in the opposite direction from my home, so I’d have to take a detour on my way back. But I didn’t mind much. I was keenly feeling these days that time is the only thing a single person living alone has in abundance.

The car soon entered the outskirts road.

“How’s life in Korea? Didn’t you say the food was delicious before?”

“Ah, yes. What impressed me most was, you know, being able to get deliveries even at night. Thanks to that, these days after flights, I order that, what’s it called, yangnyeom chicken?”

It seems he too has fallen for the charm of Korean chicken. Well, that’s truly something no one can resist. Once you taste it, chicken dishes from other countries all seem bland in comparison.

“I like chicken too. And isn’t the delivery incredibly fast?”

“Not just fast, but when I asked if it was okay since I’m at a hotel, they told me to wait and they’d call when they’re in front of the lobby. I was surprised. It feels less like a service and more like they’re doing it simply because they can. Come to think of it, people here seem to basically enjoy doing things for others.”

“I felt that a lot when I first came here too. There was a Co-pilot I flew with on my first flight, and he even helped me look for a place to live on our day off.”

“Wow… days off are precious.”

“Exactly. No matter how close colleagues are, you usually don’t care about their private lives that much.”

“Not at all interested. Haha.”

Jamie laughed, agreeing with my words. Since it was a weekday afternoon, there wasn’t much traffic. We miraculously caught two green lights in a row. Christmas trees decorated here and there on the streets caught my eye. Tomorrow was Christmas.

“Come to think of it, why did you come to Korea, Maximilian? Did you want to live in your homeland? But wait, have I asked this before?”

He scratched his cheek as he looked at me.

“It was kind of like… a love escape.”

“What?”

Surprised by this unexpected story, he made a curious expression. Leaning forward with his head turned towards me, his eyes sparkled as if asking me to say more. Finding it fun to tease him, I unconsciously mixed in a bit of exaggeration.