DI Ch 176

Whether it was my mood or not, the atmosphere felt strangely peculiar. The shadows cast on his face by the soft light seemed to approach intimately, making my heart pound. There was no reason for it, but I couldn’t bring myself to suggest turning off the light, fearing it might come across suggestively.

It had been a long time since I’d been so cautious with my words, feeling this mix of excitement, shyness, and not wanting to be misunderstood by someone. It had been over 3 years, no, now 4 years… Suddenly, my chest felt tight, and I bit the tip of my tongue.

I rolled around under the blanket like a caterpillar in its cocoon. The body heat behind me made me feel more unsettled rather than calming me down, so I thought it might be better to just close my eyes. But even as I thought it might be better, it also felt not quite right, and my toes couldn’t help but wiggle.

“Something’s touching me right now…”

“Is that so?”

You know very well, why ask ‘is that so?’ Despite thinking how shameless he was, the length and firmness of the thing pressing against me through the blanket were unmistakable. I was embarrassed because the touching was so blatant. The pressing sensation was so explicit that it was embarrassing. I tried to move, but the arm wrapped around me prevented it. Seeing that he didn’t budge even when I applied force, it seemed he wasn’t trying to hide it at all, but rather doing it on purpose.

Ah, don’t people usually try to hide it?  If you were setting the mood, why not go all the way instead of doing this to me again? Do you like me that much? Is that why you react like this just from being next to me?

My already rapidly beating heart speeds up even more. Fearing that even the slightest sound of my heartbeat might escape, I hugged my chest tightly with both arms, trying to muffle the sound. To make matters worse, the sensation of stimulating him with my bare foot earlier came to mind, making my whole body tingle. As if replaying the scene, I could feel his rough breath on my neck again, and his intense, excited gaze flickered before my eyes. Why am I getting like this now too?

As I was mentally struggling, a hand came up over my chest. I flinched in surprise, but the large hand gently stroked clockwise as if to calm me, easing my tensed body. The calm caressing touch made me wonder if he had really heard my heartbeat, and my face grew hot with embarrassment. He might think I’m in pain and that’s why he’s doing this, but that’s not it, so it’s embarrassing… But… this just feels like touching.

“Hyung, take it easy.”

“Why. You touched me all you wanted.”

“…”

Well, that’s true. I did touch a lot first.

“But I didn’t pinch…”

I blurted out whatever came to mind, not wanting to lose. I knew it was embarrassing, so I shut my mouth as soon as my nipples hardened. The cold hand that slipped under my loose T-shirt made me keep flinching. The hand that was always warm when rubbing my cheek felt a bit like a different person’s.

“Let’s just go to sleep already.”

“You sleep first.”

“Stop touching me while you say that…”

After tossing and turning for a while, I finally managed to fall asleep, but he kept bothering me until the very end. Even in those moments of drifting off, he kept rubbing it, causing the blanket to rustle incessantly. Ah, why is he being so mischievous as he grows up… Did I do something wrong? Well, I did, but… but…

When I thought I had dozed off, I curled up as if trying to escape and squeezed my eyes shut. As I surrendered to the drowsiness, unsure if I was dreaming or in a light sleep, I heard a familiar sound. The school bell and chatter made me feel like I had fallen asleep in the middle of a classroom.

Aside from that, I felt everything from my father’s familiar study to my room. As I fumbled towards a longing I could feel without seeing or hearing, my legs felt tied, and the bridge of my nose ached. Soon, my chin was gently lifted, making me not want to shake it off.

-You’re bleeding. Is it because of me?

Someone whispered through heavy eyelids that seemed to have weights on them. I think I suddenly replied that I wanted to see them. Everyone must have moments they cherish. For me, this was my most treasured moment. Even though it was an awkward first encounter, I cherished it simply because I liked it and only remembered it fondly. The sky that day was the most beautiful color, the weather was nice, and there was a good atmosphere.

-Next time, just walk away. Don’t recklessly get involved in other people’s fights…

-There are a lot of people who don’t like me…

The voice echoed and scattered in my buzzing ears, overlapping several times. My legs wobbled from dizziness, and my feet felt like they were floating on a soft surface.

-This is the first time I’ve ever heard someone say they would trust me.

I buried my face in the familiar embrace, apologizing one moment and then demanding why he didn’t come to see me the next. I complained about how he never came to see me even once. It’s difficult to find a senior two years above, especially after they’ve graduated.

It’s embarrassing to say this about past events to someone who’s no longer here, but you should have given me a chance. Just one more, just one more time. You should have, sunbae. It didn’t take that long to hover around, finally meet, exchange words, and share kindness, but I felt that time passed slowly and cherished it due to the awkwardness and shyness.

I loved the moments when I was lucky enough to bump into you, I loved your jokes and the way you welcomed me. Unlike the abundant rumors, you were kind, and I thought that was just how you were. also like the time when you mischievously shook my heart by asking if I ever thought you might be that way only to me.

That day when we stepped on ginkgo leaves, or perhaps when it rained heavily, at your house, under a streetlamp in an empty park, in a deserted playground, on a late-night train… We did so much in a short time, yet we did nothing at all. It had meaning, but it was meaningless; we tried to achieve something but didn’t. Most of it was my fault.

In that time, all the words you uttered approached me kindly and then scattered ruthlessly. You had a somewhat mysterious side. I secretly thought it was cool and liked it, but it was also frustrating. Because no matter what I asked, I never got a proper answer. You just smiled beautifully every time…

Did I suffer internally because it was so frustrating? Somehow, I was burning up inside. Where was the person who understood my frustrations and promised to resolve them? That time when I was seventeen, which I thought would last forever, is nowhere to be found now, leaving only an empty shell with a decent appearance.

As I started to feel a splitting headache from the disappointment and emptiness, even in my dream-like state, suddenly there was a ‘smooch’ sound. What? The haziness disappeared in an instant, and my whole body began to ache. I frowned and fumbled to the side. There was something there just now, but I couldn’t grasp it.

Then, once again, there was the sound of a kiss. And another in quick succession. The tickling sensation on my shoulder and nape came almost simultaneously. Ah, what is this? As I swung my arm towards the opposite side, I caught a thick forearm. Before I could open my crusty eyelids, his lips touched the inside of my jaw. It was Tae Seong-je.

Ah, right. No one else would do this to me but this hyung. It’s prejudiced to judge someone’s behavior by their appearance, but he really doesn’t look like someone who’d engage in such intimate skinship so often. The sound and sensation of his kisses were ticklish, making me squirm.

“Stop…”

My voice sounded strangely deep, making me trail off, unsure if it was really me. Meanwhile, he managed to kiss my cheek.  I wanted to sternly tell him not to do this in the morning… but as soon as I turned my head, his gaze mesmerized me.

I closed my eyes tightly once, then stared blankly at his face as he looked at me affectionately, maintaining the silence. I was reminded of a debate competition I once participated in. We had discussed inner beauty, but now it seemed pointless.

“Stop sleeping. Aren’t you hungry?”

There was a clattering sound, and then something sweet and soft entered my mouth. What is it? Hmm, soup? I swallowed reflexively and then licked my lips. I wasn’t particularly hungry, but it made my mouth water and stimulated my appetite.

I blinked slowly and rubbed my eyes with my rough palm. Feeling hungry or not, it was funny to tell him not to cling to me now. We did what we did last night, and saying we agreed to take it slow would only get me laughed at.

Lost in thought, I sighed as memories of my senior resurfaced. Ah… I don’t know… Sunbae, help me… What should I do… As I covered my face and crumpled the blanket in distress, he gently shook my shoulder, probably finding it strange..

“Are you uncomfortable somewhere?”

“My body just feel sore a bit…”

I blurted out something random, and my head was forcibly turned. Damn, as my sleepy eyelids lightened, I finally noticed his sensual body. Ah, why is he naked again?

“Let’s apply some ointment. Come here.”

“No, it’s fine. I’m not in pain.”

Feeling embarrassed for making him worry, I tried to think of an excuse, but my sleep-deprived brain failed me. I should have just said I wasn’t fully awake yet. The moment I tried to avoid him, my waist felt heavy, and a shadow loomed over me. Gasp.

“You’re… you’re heavy…”

“Let’s put on some ointment.”

Tae Seong-je pinned me down and rummaged through the bedside table. This twisted position gave me a clear view of his side. He looked like a living sculpture, and my eyes almost wandered on their own. Not wanting to get caught staring lecherously, I tried my best to look elsewhere. For example, the wall, the ceiling, his hands, or the scary scar on his chest…

Scar? I suddenly stopped and examined the wound on his body again. It was a horrifying scar that couldn’t go unnoticed unless you were blind.

“Did you always have that scar there?”