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    His body temperature seemed to be on the higher side. It was just the right warmth to have by my side. The downside was that it was a bit hard, but it was sturdy and comfortable to lean on, making me even drowsier. As I was breathing evenly like that, I suddenly came to my senses.

    What an idiot! I said I would never sleep together, but now I’m sharing a blanket on the first day? And I did it myself? That day of all days, I hadn’t even taken my medication, so I had no excuse. Knowing he was a playful person, I had thought he would surely tease me like a fish in water, but…


    He was sinking into sleep so deeply that I felt ashamed of all my nervousness. It was a strange feeling that he missed me when I was right there. Since I knew nothing, I could neither understand nor empathize with him, which gave me a strange sense of guilt and weighed on my mind. Since he wasn’t usually like this, I couldn’t coldly push him away nor dare to comfort him. So, I pretended not to notice for a bit and closed my eyes. Just for a little while, I’ll pretend not to notice.

    I put down the hand that was trying to lift the blanket and lay quietly facing him for a while when I suddenly felt something touch the top of my foot. Realizing it was his knee made me aware of how close we were. …That was right. Wasn’t this too close? His hair was tickling under my chin. Actually, I was getting used to it, but still, this was really close.

    From that moment, I started to become aware of everything from my breathing to my left arm wrapped around his back. The sound of swallowing saliva sounded like thunder. Suddenly, I became tense and started sweating profusely. It had been fine until just a moment ago. As I became conscious of it, my body stiffened, and even my fingers touching his back bothered me. I tried to remove them one by one and act nonchalant, but removing my hands didn’t change much.

    From the start, we had been too intimately close for two men. I struggled not to toss and turn while catching my breath. Very carefully, as if making even a small sound would cause something terrible to happen. I should not have turned off the lights. The darkness made me more nervous, and being so close brought unnecessary thoughts, making it increasingly stuffy…


    Fvck. I didn’t feel sleepy anymore. I got an er3ction. I opened my eyes wide and hurriedly began singing the national anthem in my head. I didn’t see anything and I didn’t do anything! I wasn’t some pervert, so why did I get hard all by myself? Even if it was unavoidable due to build-up, it was humiliating. I wanted to calm it down before he noticed, but it showed no signs of subsiding, making me increasingly anxious. If anything, it only seemed to get harder.

    I felt like a pervert and I was going to go crazy. It was unfair. I didn’t do it on purpose. I was beyond flustered, feeling so embarrassed and wronged that tears almost welled up, making my nose sting. Though I hadn’t had the chance, I should have somehow relieved myself at least once. Belatedly lamenting, I clenched my fists tightly. Even though I thought he might understand as a fellow man, if he reacted with disgust asking why that was up now, I felt I might really cry.

    Staring into the darkness, focusing on steadying my roughening breath. My mouth started to dry up. Though my concentration was scattered, I didn’t move an inch to avoid any unfortunate contact. Trying not to make even the sound of the blanket moving, I suddenly felt a hand groping my inner thigh.

    “Why, what… What are you doing?”

    I was startled but gripped the pillow tightly to avoid showing any dramatic reaction. Trying to hide my surprise, I blinked rapidly. What, no. He seemed to be searching for something. Otherwise, why would he suddenly touch my thigh? But even if he searched there, he wouldn’t find anything.

    I felt relieved since it was my left thigh, but even a slight mistake could bring him in contact with my er3ction. I couldn’t fully relax. It was right there on the right. Sweat started pouring down like rain. The situation felt less obscene and more terrifying.

    He was the one doing something wrong, and I was in a position to confidently tell him to stop, yet I felt like someone caught doing something bad. Still, if he asked why that was up, what should I say? What if he misunderstood? Thinking I should push him away first, I grabbed his shoulder, but before I could push him away, this time my right leg was firmly grasped.


    I gasped, trembling like someone short of breath. Tae Seong-je’s hand slid deep between my thighs. At a glance, it might look like someone whose thigh was embarrassingly grasped, but anyone who saw my face would clearly recognize it as the expression of someone whose sensitive area had been grabbed.

    The intense pressure and grip on my thigh made my vision spin. The shame of being caught and the excitement from the unfamiliar stimulation made my head dizzy. Barely holding onto my reason, I first released my held breath.

    I managed to exhale and then spoke with difficulty in a very hoarse voice as if pleading:

    “Pl-please let go.”

    “I felt something poking me and wondered what it was… Sorry. It was yours? I didn’t know.”

    Lie… That’s a lie. I know it wasn’t touching anything, ah, ugh. My p3nis throbbed as it was pressed under his palm with the cloth between us. But while it hurt, it also strangely stimulated me, making my hips twitch repeatedly. Because he kept pressing down firmly as if grasping and continuously rubbing…

    “Don’t, please don’t….”

    I trembled, trailing off at the end of my words. In my urgency, I dug my nails into his shoulder. The way he kneaded, subtly yet roughly enough to make me feel it, was too stimulating. It was a nasty bit of fondling. How could someone who said they wouldn’t even make such jokes play this kind of prank? I had clearly said we should take it slow. Judging by this attitude, it seemed he had turned a deaf ear to that.

    I pushed him away with tears in my eyes, but damn, I don’t know why this hyung has such a strong grip. At the same time as I lost strength, my back and knees became very bent. I wanted to climax right away, yet I didn’t want to do such a lewd act in front of another person. These conflicting feelings collided. But strangely enough, the more intense this urgent conflict became, the more excited I seemed to get.

    Covering my mouth in embarrassment at my heavy breathing, he asked,

    “When was the last time you did it?”


    My face flushed at the question. I avoided answering, scratching the back of his hand. Though we were in darkness, I could feel his gaze fixed intently on me. Unable to bear the blatant stare, I buried my heated face in the pillow.

    “You must be quite pent up too.”

    I could barely breathe. I just experienced the limits of endurance and a taste of death. I couldn’t bring myself to answer. It was because I was so embarrassed. The low voice speaking softly and the faintly visible silhouette suddenly seemed alluring, making my heart beat rapidly. Everything was so stimulating that closing my eyes and covering my ears was useless. I really shouldn’t have turned off the lights. I only now realized that there are things you see more when you don’t see them. It was too late.

    Suddenly, as his hand pulled away, the light flicked on. I hurriedly pulled up the blanket. As I covered myself from the person who had stepped back willingly, I caught sight of his hand fiddling with the remote control. Even that looked erotic, making me think I must be going crazy. I made a resolution while keeping my gaze lowered. Don’t look up. If I talk while looking at his face, I’ll be at an absolute disadvantage.

    “Should hyung help you relieve it?”


    I got goosebumps. It was because Tae Seong-je made a suggestive gesture, gripping and shaking the remote control.

    “Are you, are you crazy? What do you mean ‘relieve’?”

    “Why? What’s wrong with that?”

    What was he saying? I retreated, pulling the blanket over my head. Though my awkward movement probably didn’t look great, I didn’t have the mind to care about such things.

    “How would you feel if I touched yours?”

    “Oh, that’d feel great.”

    “…No. Ugh, come on.”

    I had to sigh and forget where I was going as he responded more seriously than ever. Had he forgotten that our relationship was currently on hold? I thought we had implicitly agreed to take time until my memories returned or my feelings were sorted out, but was that agreement only in my mind?

    As I frowned, Tae Seong-je casually uttered a suggestive comment.

    “Hyung is better at handling yours than you are.”


    I couldn’t help feeling dumbfounded and curious at the same time. That’s why I stopped abruptly, and my lips just quivered instead of arguing about who asked him. The unsettling feeling of having my lower half grabbed lingered. Since it had been stimulating rather than painful, his words really piqued my curiosity.

    “It’s true.”

    He blurted out, perhaps interpreting my silence as doubt about the truth of his statement.

    “…How did it end up like that?”

    “Is there a reason? Because you liked it, I kept doing it to make you feel better, and that’s how it turned out.”

    Just as I thought I shouldn’t have asked, Tae Seong-je spoke in a very soft voice. Where does that confidence come from? It’s rather impressive. How can he talk about it so shamelessly as if it’s something to boast about? …But seeing how confident he is, it doesn’t seem like he’s just saying it.

    I lay still under the blanket as he subtly asked,

    “Hyung can help you. What do you want to do?”


    “You need to relieve it anyway. If I’m offering to make it feel even better, why are you hesitating?”


    He seemed to have the tongue of a devil, uttering such sweet words so easily. Hearing such a brazen suggestion made my resolve weaken, my reason thin, and that part of me stand even more erect – it was maddening. It felt like it would burst through my clothes. I was tempted to just give in, considering how pent up I was. I wondered what it would feel like to use someone else’s hand.

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