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    “…There really isn’t any downside.”

    I lowered my eyes after looking at the person smiling faintly as if agreeing with me. So this is how it feels to have someone entirely to yourself. It was thrilling yet heavy, making my heart cautious. Instead of running my mouth carelessly, I took his hand and together we stepped onto the dry sand.

    “Let’s take it slow. Slowly…”

    I couldn’t empty my heart like a trash can to immediately say yes. I needed time. They say a man’s first love is hard to forget. I hoped he wouldn’t dismiss it as something from my younger days and wait for me. By then, I should have been able to answer wholeheartedly.

    We were slightly apart but held hands as we returned to the car to warm up. It was funny how walking back like that felt more embarrassing than when I was tightly held earlier. And I had said it wasn’t love. At that rate, if he had suggested living together again, I might have readily considered that too.

    Despite not feeling cold, I complained about my feet freezing, prompting him to wash my feet with bottled water and wrap my legs with a dry towel like a cast. Even if it was excessive, it just made me laugh. I grumbled and turned on the heater some more. It was the perfect night for someone who only had a coat to catch a cold.

    “Shall we have dinner at the hotel lounge?”

    Hotel. Ignoring the suggestive word, I nodded. Unlike my calm expression, my inner thoughts were in turmoil. I had clearly said we should take it slow, but what if he couldn’t hold back and tried something? It was natural to worry about this, especially since he was someone who fervently liked me.

    I took a deep breath after eating so that anyone would think I came to eat, not to see the sea. With all sorts of thoughts swirling, I didn’t feel like I ate properly. I found myself drawn to his lips and chest more than I’d like to admit. Was this really my fault? Wasn’t it because he constantly kissing, touching, and expressing his feelings for me?

    I didn’t even know how we got to the room. After insisting he shower first and sending him to the bathroom, I let out a hot breath. Calm down. Calm down. Why was I so nervous? It wasn’t like someone was going to eat me. As I tried to shake off the tension and started taking off my thickly layered clothes one by one, I noticed a familiar bag under the bed.


    This wasn’t a horror movie. No one had brought it, and it didn’t have feet, so how on earth? Perplexed, I picked up the bag and went to the bathroom door to knock. The door was slightly ajar, so I spoke to him through the gap.

    “Excuse me, hyung. Did you remember my bag?”

    “Yeah, it’s under the bed.”


    That wasn’t what I was asking? Why was he casually telling me its location? I was so dumbfounded I couldn’t even laugh. When, no, why had he brought this all the way here? I was about to mention the reason I didn’t pack it, but I stopped. He seemed to have a strange attachment to my bag.

    What should I do about this? As I pressed between my eyebrows, feeling a headache coming on, the sound of water suddenly stopped. Tae Seong-je came out of the bathroom, saw me leaning against the wall hugging the bag, and suddenly smiled brightly until his dimples showed.

    “Go wash up.”


    He smiled so prettily when he was in a good mood. He was undoubtedly handsome, but it was driving me crazy how he kept looking pretty to me. I roughly put the bag down in a corner and poured cold water over my head. Get a grip. Don’t like him now. If I start liking him now, it’s practically two-timing.

    I needed to quickly forget one and accept the other one, not just recklessly fall head over heels. You idiot. Did you like them both that much? Damn it, yes, I liked them both. Wasn’t that obvious? Couldn’t you see how consistent my taste was? I was stating the obvious.

    Despite grumbling, I washed up more thoroughly than usual and came out. Suddenly, an unwelcome guest caught my eye. The attending doctor saw me and greeted me with a friendly smile.

    “Ah… Hello…”

    “Oh, you don’t seem very happy to see me.”

    “No, it’s not that….”

    “I understand. You don’t like having a checkup when you’re on a trip.”

    I awkwardly smiled and glanced at Tae Seong-je. What was he up to? I wanted to ask. Really, what’s he doing?

    “The long trip might have been a strain on your body, so let’s get a check up and then get some rest.”


    “Why? Do you want to stay up?”

    I was going to argue that it wasn’t the case but ended up saying nothing. I sulked and underwent the obligatory examination. My energy was draining. I had been in such a good mood until just then. How could this happen?

    I lay on the bed, watching two people talking seriously. What was I expecting? I punched the pillow in frustration. After a while, I hit it hard again with force.

    In the end, I guess I wanted to do something dirty as a young man who had just become an adult. Am I out of my mind? Even if the mood was set, I’d just think of my senior and decide not to do it.

    “What’s wrong? Calm down.”

    As a hand stroked my head, I stopped hitting the pillow angrily and drooped my shoulders. Maybe it was sexual frustration. I didn’t even care when or how the doctor came and left.  I was just full of dissatisfaction and felt stifled.

    When was the last time I mastvrbated? I rolled my eyes while massaging my stiff shoulders. Not exercising seems to have made my desires surge. I didn’t think I had a high sex drive, but I had never gone this long without it. Even during exam preparation, it wasn’t this bad.

    “Ah… Ah, aah.”

    As I was deep in thought, he grabbed my tense shoulders.

    “Does it hurt?”

    “No. Oh, it feels good. Ah, it really feels good.”

    It felt so good that my body relaxed completely. Each time the shoulder muscles were pressed, it hurt but felt relieving… At some point, I just laid down completely. He straddled my waist and started massaging my tense muscles gently. It felt so natural, like flowing water, that I didn’t feel uncomfortable at all.

    “You don’t have to… mm… do this.”

    “I used to do this often, so don’t worry about it.”


    I was suddenly amazed. I really lived a pampered life. And his fingers are really strong. If he hit me, I wouldn’t stand a chance.

    “Hyung, um, if I acted rudely in any way… I’m sorry.”

    “It’s okay. You used to treat me casually like that.”

    “Ah, I don’t think… ah… that’s right.”

    As the muscles relaxed, I felt good, and as I felt good, my heart opened up. We were laughing at some trivial chatter and I wiggled my ankle. Holding hands was so embarrassing, but now, whether he straddled my waist or touched my upper body, I didn’t think anything of it. The problem was the mental struggle. There was a reason my mood fluctuated hundreds of times in just one day.


    I must have fallen asleep for a moment. When I opened my eyes, I saw Tae Seong-je holding my hand, pressing his eyelids against the back of my hand with our fingers intertwined. I stared blankly before getting up groggily and quickly examining his face.

    “Hyung, what’s wrong? Are you feeling sick?”


    “Yes. Tell me.”

    “Give hyung a hug.”

    It seemed more fitting for him to just grab me than to sit quietly and ask in a weak voice. Maybe he knew I was more vulnerable to such a side of him, or maybe he really had no energy. I couldn’t tell.

    After hesitating, I gently hugged him with the blanket between us. I thought he would hug me back, but he just rested his forehead on my shoulder. Hugging someone kneeling on the floor beneath the bed made me feel like I was cradling someone bigger than myself. It probably didn’t look very nice, but what did it matter? If it made him feel better, that was good. But this and that were different. Never having hugged anyone like this, the awkwardness spread down my back.

    “Is this enough?”

    “No. Not yet. Just a little longer.”

    As he says this, he wrapped his arms around my waist. Now it looked like we were properly hugging each other. I wriggled a bit but then rested my cheek on his head as drowsiness washed over me. This is the kind of love I wanted. To be with someone I could talk to about my hardships without hiding anything, someone who would comfort and cherish me, and someone I could give back to just as much.

    “It’s been a while since I’ve been out with you. It’s nice.”

    Instead of yawning, I took a deep breath and rubbed my cheek against his hair. It was soft as it brushed against my cheek. So we didn’t go out much. Hmm. I wonder why. I couldn’t imagine dating anyone other than my senior, but hearing this, it felt quite refreshing.

    “We should have come more often. It only takes a few hours. I knew you liked the sea, why didn’t I take you?”

    “We’re here now, so it’s fine…”

    “I regret it so much.”

    “There’s no use regretting things that have passed…”

    “Don’t say things like that.”

    The feeling of a hand laying me down and the mattress tilting as someone other than me climbs onto the bed. The soft breathing and gentle pressure enveloping my body made me even drowsier. Even so, I shouldn’t… Or maybe just having my muscles massaged a bit lowered my guard, making the close distance not feel strange.

    “It’s a really strange feeling to be next to someone but not be able to meet them.”

    If he had left me alone, I would have fallen asleep, but he kept nestling into my arms, waking me up repeatedly. In the end, I hugged him tightly so he couldn’t move, implying we should just sleep.



    “There’s someone you need to meet.”

    “Mmm… Who is it?”

    When I asked while yawning, he suddenly let out a deep sigh. He was clearly showing his dislike, so I raised my head in surprise. Rubbing my sleepy eyes, I patted Tae Seong-je’s back.

    “What’s wrong? Should I not meet them?”

    “No. If you don’t, nothing will get better.”

    He didn’t sound very convincing for someone saying that. What was he so worried about? Finding the remote control rolling on the bed, I turned off the light and properly covered his large body with the blanket.

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