DI Ch 187

Even though I knew how despairing it was to die without being able to love when you could, I still longed for the time we couldn’t spend together, and so I felt resentful. Who could possibly compensate for this?

With my eyelids heavy, I kept my eyes half-open, and through my blurry vision, I saw a white mass rushing towards me and clinging to me. It seemed to be a person, but I didn’t care even if it wasn’t. I was busy focusing all my attention on the man in front of me.

I didn’t have the energy to raise my gaze, and even if I faced him, I wasn’t sure if I could properly see his features. In the end, I gave up and just stared blankly at his hand tightly gripping mine as I parted my lips. ‘Sunbae, don’t die.’ As I mouthed those words, his grip on my hand tightened.

Realizing that all my memories had returned, or perhaps happy about it, he buried his face in my hand and repeatedly took deep breaths in and out. And like someone who had too much to say and ended up unable to say anything, he kept starting to speak but couldn’t form sentences.

Despite the difficulty, I lifted my head to look at him. Our gazes met through the gaps between my fingers. We looked at each other for a long time with moist eyes. Feeling dizzy from the mix of emotions, I closed my eyes tightly, and the tears that had welled up rolled down my temples.

Even the fact that he was breathing and his body was warm moved me deeply, but seeing his bloodshot eyes filled with a hint of madness, I could tell he hadn’t slept properly, which made me feel sorry and horrible. I wanted to hug him tightly and comfort him.

“…”

“…”

But by now, he should be showing his face. I stroked his prominent brow bone with my finger, signaling him to move my hand away from him. He seemed to understand what I meant, but he hesitated for a long time, which made me frown. Then, with downcast eyes, he reluctantly spoke.

“Can I just look in the mirror once?”

“…”

I was at a loss for words, not expecting him to suddenly say he wanted to look in the mirror. Is he serious? I just regained consciousness and woke up? Is he joking?

“It’ll really just take a moment.”

He’s serious. I put strength into my fingertips to express my firm disagreement. It might be like acupressure on his eyebrows, but since the purpose was to communicate, it didn’t matter if the pressure was light.

“I just want to check my current state.”

It’s fine, I’m telling you.

“I haven’t properly looked in a mirror while you were lying here.”

Seriously, not looking in the mirror for a while wouldn’t make his handsomeness disappear. Why ruin this emotional moment? As I didn’t back down, his pleading tone became increasingly lower.

“I don’t want to do this either, but I’m not confident. Confident to compete with the person you loved the most.”

I was surprised by the gloominess evident in his sunken voice, as if his previous wheedling attitude had been an act. Is this really coming from someone who knows best how great he is? I almost closed my eyes again from the shock.

“No matter what I do, I’ll never be able to surpass the me in your last memory, for my entire life. But I can at least try to disappoint you less.”

“…”

“So please, let me at least pretend.”

He’s anxious that I might compare him to before and feel disappointed, rather than worrying about seeing his face that has suffered? I could have gotten angry, asking what he takes me for to think like that, but I didn’t. A collapsed self-esteem is a sign of a broken heart. I knew because I had experienced it.

Suddenly, I noticed again how his lip skin tickling my palm was rough whenever he spoke, how the area under his eyes visible through my fingers was haggard, and how his gaze was not just sorrowful but almost crazed. For the first time in a long while, I thought of Woo Ji-min.

Woo Ji-min once asked me if I knew how to scare someone who has nothing to lose, and then he took my note, pretending to return it, only to snatch it back and start tearing it to pieces.

When I got the torn paper back, I didn’t understand what it meant, but now I think I do. I could see into my hyung’s heart and understood. Even though I was shocked, I chose not to show it and simply nodded, rather than telling him that I wouldn’t be disappointed by something like that.

Tae Seong-je was grateful even though he didn’t need to be, and it hurt my heart so much that I silently clutched at his clothes. Someone perceptive nearby must have prepared a mirror quickly. I thought he would turn his back completely, not wanting to show me his face, but he sat askew on the bed and looked into the mirror.

The time he spent looking in the mirror was longer than I expected, and that silence was filled with an intense yet indescribable energy. His unblinking eyes and rough-looking cheeks remained tense with no sign of relaxing. I secretly watched his profile while urging my gradually recovering body to heal faster. I didn’t even hope to be able to get up. I just wished I had enough strength to properly utter just one word.

Perhaps that was too much to ask for, as I lost consciousness again. When I opened my eyes again, a familiar hand was holding mine, as if in a déjà vu. The only difference was that it was gripping my hand so tightly that it turned white. Can’t he control his strength even when I laid on the bed? He’s not someone who usually makes such mistakes except at times like this.

As I was having these idle thoughts in my dazed state, he, who had been hanging his head low, looked up.

“I’m sorry.”

“…”

“It wasn’t the time to worry about such things. Why did I do that?”

Looking at Tae Seong-je apologizing with unfocused eyes, I instinctively felt that there were two patients in this room. I pulled back the blanket and patted the empty space beside me, inviting him to lie down. Rather than bringing in another bed, it’s better to share this spacious one, right? As if reading my mind, he buried his head in my neck and lay down beside me.

Although he had grown taller and heavier since then, as if he was the one in his growth phase and not me, he seemed unaware of it as he clung to me, which made me chuckle at how absurd and cute it was. Well, whatever. It’s all good. The heaviness felt stable and nice to embrace.

As if reflecting my improved mood, breathing became easier. The pain throughout my body lessened, and most importantly, the headache was gone. With no dizziness or nausea, I really felt like I would live. As my body improved, my depression lessened, and my mind, which had been on the verge of collapse, seemed to be strengthening.

He, who had been holding me quietly, suddenly raised his upper body. As he looked down at me with his face in shadow, for a moment, I had the unsettling illusion that he looked like a corpse. I won’t be able to sleep with the lights off anymore. As I was breaking out in a cold sweat with this premonition, he whispered in a low voice.

“What? Do I still look like a madman?”

What? Who the hell said something? The back of my neck tensed up. No, do they think it’s easy to be reborn like this? Who dared to spout such nonsense about the person who accomplished such a difficult feat? Feeling indignant, I grabbed his cheeks with my trembling hands. I forced him to meet my gaze, lifting his head as he looked at me with genuine concern. Despite having enough strength to easily ignore my attempt, he moved as I wished. That made me feel sorry for him.

Though I couldn’t vocalize it, I clearly mouthed that I was thankful for his waiting and that I truly loved him. However, this didn’t magically make him completely better instantly. He just mumbled “Me too” and returned to my embrace. It was a decent outcome in its own way. If we express our love every day, there will come a time when things improve even more than this. Since we’ll be together until the end of our lives, I thought about making steady efforts without rushing.

“…What are you doing?”

Wanting to immediately do something about his chapped and torn lips, I licked them repeatedly with my tongue. After persistently licking through his attempts to stop me, his dry and rough lips became satisfyingly smooth.

“Are you a dog?”

He said that, but he didn’t actually tell me to stop, and even tried to kiss me while licking back. As I laughed weakly, a somewhat comfortable smile appeared on his face. Seeing him start to check my complexion and take care of me meticulously, as if out of habit, it seemed his unstable state of mind had calmed down.

“Do you remember everything now?”

Almost. I mouthed as I obediently swallowed the liquid entering my mouth. I thought it was water, but it wasn’t.

“You’ll remember everything eventually. I did too.”

As he said, more and more memories were coming back as time passed. As if afraid of overloading me if they all came at once, the memories approached silently.

“It’s April now. The snow from back then has all melted.”

I suddenly became serious. Damn, school. I’d obviously be expelled since I couldn’t take the first-year second semester exams and didn’t pay the second-year first semester tuition. Was there no way to mitigate this? Couldn’t my boyfriend, being a gangster, somehow manipulate the documents without my knowing? I entertained such thoughts briefly but quickly gave up. That’s not how things work.

Although they say university isn’t everything, I kept feeling bitter about it. After finishing whatever tasteless porridge-like food it was, he helped me brush my teeth with some cloth. At first, I thought he was joking. When he told me to open my mouth quickly, I realized with shock that Tae Seong-je had been maintaining my dental health this way.

He must really think I’m a child. Even though we are eight years apart now, we were originally only two years apart. How could he act like this? I resisted as if out of modesty, but unlike before, he adeptly overpowered me with just the right amount of strength. I was astounded as he thoroughly washed and wiped my neck, ears, and face with a wet towel.

He even applied skincare, changed my clothes, and put on my socks one by one, making me feel like I had become his precious doll.

“What’s wrong? Don’t you like it?”

I quickly shook my head, and Tae Seong-je smiled shamelessly with a faint smile.

“Try to like it.”

“…”

“I have to do this until you can get up on your own, so there’s no point in you continuously disliking it. It’ll only drain your energy.”

During high school and when I lost my memory, he managed his image so carefully. Now, he wasn’t even pretending, and though it could have made me resentful, but I just felt happy. Even if they say that once something or someone is broken, they can never return to their original state, we’ll be fine like this. e could be happy again. I would make it so. To do that, I had to face the truth properly and move forward. I asked him to call my younger brother. And Lee Hyun-wook as well.