DI Ch 129

I don’t know what state of mind I was in when I wrote this. Was I in a mindset where I was breaking a bone and thinking, ‘Fortunately, the bone healed quickly and I was glad I didn’t have to miss school for that long’? There was a high possibility that I was either a clueless fool or I was so used to constant violence that I did not realize the seriousness of it. The former lacks credibility, so the latter must be true.

Suddenly, I sensed a vile smell of blood and pulled my face away from my hands. Wet, red palms appeared before my eyes. I might collapse at this rate. Thinking calmly, I tried hard to regain the calm mind like the calm surface of water instead of the dullness of a mind worn away by the waves.

But it was useless. This was because the happiness didn’t rise but rather appeared faintly and swiftly dispersed like something obstructed it. And sadness came faster than any other emotion, and fatigue and lethargy poured down like a shower.

My chilled body on the cold floor and the icy wind made me feel like I had died, like a corpse. The sense of reality disappeared as if I could neither hear nor see the noise of the street and the voices of people approaching me with surprised faces.

When I took out my cell phone and made a call, the citizens probably thought I was calling 119 and reassured me that they would do it for me. While I was powerless to deal with it and ignored the favor, the beep continued to ring. Without even thinking about the time difference, I waited patiently until I received it. The long, boring ringtone ended and the call was connected.

“Is it you?”

[Who, yes?]

Without greeting or anything else, I started by asking questions. Who are you to know my father? What do you know about what he did to me? With each word uttered, my head heated up, and my breathing became erratic.

[…Seo Seung-won?]

There was confusion in his sleepy voice. I thought it would be a good idea to regain my composure and ask questions step by step, but I didn’t have time to worry about such a thing. Intermittent frustration mixed with accumulated resentment was about to burst out like an outburst. Honestly, I felt a greater urge to finally find someone to blame. I couldn’t deny it. The truth seemed to be less important to me now.

“What did you mean by starting over?”

A low, cracked voice raised through my blood-soaked throat. Blood mixed with saliva dripped to the floor. My heart pounded terrifyingly with an unknown excitement. Even if Lee Hyun-wook dropped his strange attitude and acted superior, it wouldn’t bother me. I even wished for it. I hoped there was something. I just wanted something to be salvaged. I’m tired of not knowing anything.

[What are you talking about suddenly calling like this? What ‘beginning’?]

Unfortunately, the answer that came back was nothing. My pounding head and racing heart began to calm down. Lee Hyun-wook… he was purely worried, as if he was a completely innocent victim. There was no wavering or suspicion in his voice, as if he had no involvement in any incident. Oh, right. Maybe I’m the crazy one here. Was I not in my right mind, hearing nonsense and having strange delusions? But my ears were fine back then. I was fine. I still am.

“You said… Your mother… committed suicide… You said that.”

But she’s alive. I vaguely recalled seeing Lee Hyun-wook’s mother at the high school graduation. It couldn’t have been anyone else. Kwon Joong-hyuk and Lee Hyun-wook were middle school classmates, just like Seo Seung-won and Lee Hyun-wook were elementary school classmates. They had definitely visited each other’s homes and met each other’s parents while playing together.

[Hey… Cut it out, will you? Why are you doing this?]

For the first time, Lee Hyun-wook spoke with anger in his voice. The concern in his voice disappeared instantly. Fuck, you said it. I couldn’t hold back my anger, so I curled up into a ball. You were the one who said strange things first… You asked if I remembered. You said that…

My head hurts so much, I felt dizzy, and I couldn’t stand it anymore. I wanted to cry loudly or scream until my throat tore apart. I wondered if I was having a nervous breakdown. Ah, the ringing in my ears was getting worse. I remembered the various doctors, Seo Seung-won’s parents, and you continually encouraging me to manage my stress well.

But I found it so difficult… They say it was okay if I took medicine, but the original problem became distant because I knew that was not the case. I wouldn’t be able to convince anyone. I was worse than a shepherd boy. No matter how much I screamed, it would be accepted as crazy talk rather than lies.

Until when. How much longer…

My abdomen and legs ached as if they were being crushed. Like a light flickering off, my vision darkened and brightened repeatedly, and it became difficult to breathe. My mouth was filled with musty dust, and my ear canals felt like a radio that wasn’t on the right frequency.

It was cold, heavy, dark, stuffy, and sad.

Tears fell from my wet eyes and soaked the ground. I didn’t know why I was so sad. The vague sadness was heavy. It was too difficult and burdensome for me to handle. Even though I just wanted to shake it off, I couldn’t stop the tears from falling down my cheeks.

I closed my eyes, following emotions rather than memories. Was I sad because I couldn’t bear the emptiness? I didn’t know. Well, I didn’t know anything. What did I know? A wry smile escaped me at the fleeting thought. Wow, I was losing it. I hung up the one-sided call from start to finish, and the noise around me echoed.

As I sluggishly raised my upper body, I saw people whispering and looking down at me. They all stared at me as if I were a monkey. The feeling of being embarrassed was too overwhelming to feel. In fact, I didn’t even have the mental capacity to deal with them since I realized how absurd I had just been.

In a struggling state of mind, I searched for memories. Lee Hyun-wook, or rather the guy inside him, was a stranger like me. And now, that was a thing of the past. Just as I turned away, he forgot reality as if losing his memory. Even more cleanly than me, perhaps even sooner.

Now, the only person left was me. Again, just me.

My laziness and complacency in wanting to settle for peace were hitting me over the head. Funnily enough, after resenting myself, I realized it right away. How foolish could I be? I traced and scraped even the smallest clues Lee Hyun-wook gave me and put them together like a puzzle.

Then I saw one. This was the world inside a book, another world. So, it made sense. Another world where Lee Hyun-wook lived. Or perhaps the world we lived in.

I wanted to take out my notebook and summarize each hypothesis, but I didn’t have the strength, so I blinked at the empty space and pondered several hypotheses. One hypothesis, two hypotheses, three hypotheses. My head was pounding because the hypotheses were piling up endlessly. At the same time, my memories were rattled and flipped over, and my internal organs ached like they were being twisted.

“Ugh… ”

As I felt nauseous, I remembered my first day at school. The kids staring openly, Park Kang-woo, Kwon Joong-hyuk, and Lee Hyun-wook. No, I remembered him a few days later. It took time to memorize his face because he was too quiet. Damn it, what a jerk… He should’ve just said it back then…

‘Why are you sick?’ Lee Hyun-wook’s words suddenly came to mind. I should’ve realized right away that such an ambiguous statement was odd. Or at least, I should’ve questioned it. Not doing so was just my laziness, not wanting to stir up more trouble. Escaping from reality is also a disease.

I ignored him as if he were Pandora’s box. It shouldn’t have been like that. Wasn’t the box originally meant to be opened? If I wanted to avoid everything, I should have participated in an obstacle race, not lived with my eyes closed and ears shut. I  really am a problem child.

A clue to an unexpected reality. A clue to the unexpected reality. One was right in front of me. A great anticlimax. Why did he wait until my memory was completely depleted to tell me? Then I could have been sure I wasn’t crazy. That it wasn’t really madness. He was the evidence. Yes, evidence.

Since there was solid evidence, I wouldn’t have indulged in such futile thoughts and actions. However, something didn’t quite make sense. Lee Hyun-wook said, ‘starting over from the beginning.’ But in fact, my situation was closer to ‘overturning and starting again.’

Because my father had problems like his father, but Seo Seung-won’s father didn’t have any problems. What was the difference between him and me? I wanted to find out, but at the end, there was always Seo Seung-joon. Whatever thoughts I had, Seo Seung-joon was there at the end.

He must know something.

Seo Seung-joon also thinks I’m really crazy… He wouldn’t be scared if I said more crazy things, right? However, if he listened quietly without being scared, it means I’ve solved the problem in time. That would be a first.

My head was as dizzy as the dizzying sky, and I couldn’t seem to organize my thoughts. I had to go home quickly. Let’s organize things at home again. Slow down and don’t act impulsively. Keep calm about everything.

Suddenly, the swaying sky stopped abruptly. And the hand that had been tapping my shoulder earlier moved away, and a firmer, larger hand approached. Following that hand with eyes that couldn’t focus properly, I saw Tae Seong-je cupping my cheek.

It was only then that I realized I had left him behind. It must have been awkward to find his way around since it was an unfamiliar neighborhood. I tried to apologize, but I felt like there was a weight on my mouth and I couldn’t move.