DI Ch 199

I muttered while holding my forehead as my head started to ache slightly.

“Did you not feel the need to tell me because I wouldn’t remember anyway? Is that why you didn’t say anything? Then when… when were you planning to tell me?”

“…”

I recalled when he suddenly came to see me after going abroad to study. Was he planning to tell me then? But at that moment, I realized—he never intended to tell me. Damn it, he planned to keep it to himself until the end. He just left. That was his final goodbye. We weren’t so close that we couldn’t live without each other, but we weren’t the type to sever ties so coldly either.

Even if he didn’t know about the mess my life had become, the fact that he intentionally kept silent because he didn’t want to get involved in any part of it… An unpleasant sense of disappointment slowly gripped my throat. My throat tightened and only a hollow laugh mixed with a metallic taste escaped, but it didn’t matter. There was no point in asking why he did it. This guy just didn’t want to take responsibility for me. Not that there was anything grand enough to call ‘responsibility’…

My friend left without saying a word, not even wanting to be someone I could lean on. As the truth without any lies started to sink in, the back of my neck stiffened. Of course, I knew he wasn’t some god and that he didn’t have the power to fix my situation back then. But did I ask him to fix me? Did I ask for help? Did he back off because he thought I would?

Yet if he had stayed by my side, I probably wouldn’t have even mentioned the secrets of this world or that damned novel. How could I make him anxious when I saw him cherishing and living his current life so diligently?

I never had high expectations of him, but in the end, betrayal is betrayal, and it stings, even from a friend. Lee Hyun-wook repeated the same words like a parrot, just like my sibling, but what I wanted wasn’t an apology. I wanted to understand and accept the situation, and for that, I needed reasons. But now, even if he explained his circumstances, I didn’t want to hear it. I needed someone to resent so badly, but now that he appeared, I just wished he would disappear. It was ironic.

“Just go.”

Tired of hearing apologies, I quickly got up from my seat. Since what he wanted from the start was for everyone to live their own lives, I thought it would be better if he just left. Talking further would only intensify emotions and lead to a fight. I couldn’t show such a scene to Tae Seong-je. Although it’s unlikely now, if I lose control of my emotions and something happens, Tae Seong-je will end up losing sleep and going crazy because of me.

I opened the door and trudged down the hallway. Nothing registered in my eyes. I couldn’t feel the spring breeze; everything felt numb. Strangely, I wasn’t angry. It wasn’t that my anger had subsided. It was as if they had broken my brain on their way out, leaving me completely dazed.

Then a hand grabbed my shoulder and stopped me from going further. I stopped abruptly and tried desperately to hold back, but the memory of him pretending, at that crucial moment, that he didn’t know me sent a shiver down my spine. As if that was the trigger, my eyes began to grow hot, and I covered them with my hands, digging my nails into my skin.

I recalled Lee Hyun-wook’s face, looking relieved as if his guilt had been alleviated by my words that I wouldn’t be in pain anymore. Even if he didn’t know why I was in pain, it must have been his guilt, and now that I said I was fine, he probably felt there was nothing to be uneasy about in living his life.

So, is this it? If I just forgive, will everyone live happily ever after, each enjoying their new lives? That must be what they all want. They’ve been waiting for me to say I’m okay because they feel sorry and uneasy. Maybe they’ve been giving me these half-hearted apologies because they know my personality, that I’ll eventually come around. They all know me too well. My brother, and my friend.

***

“…I was still down there.”

The skin above my eyebrow stung. It seemed I had scratched myself with my nails.

“I didn’t die. I was alone down there, not dead. Why do you think I suddenly got sick and weird all by myself? While everyone else was living well, why would it only happen to me? It’s because I was neither dead nor alive. Damn it, if I was going to die, I should have just died completely.”

If that had happened, I could have lived like you, like all of you. My stomach churned, and I felt like I was about to throw up. I knew I shouldn’t think this way. If I did, what would that make of the person who tried so hard to protect me?

Even though this place is ultimately reality, the time zones were different, so there was a considerable time gap between this world and the original one. One second there could be days or months here, and an hour could feel like years passing. If I were to blame something, I should have blamed that gap.

Plop, plop. As I lowered my hand at the faint sound of rain, I met eyes with Seo Seung-joon, who had a frozen expression. He too looked like he might throw up at any moment. His grip on my shoulder loosened, but I was too tired to walk past him, seeing his face filled with shock. He’d probably just keep saying he’s sorry anyway. I’ve already heard that enough today.

As I stepped off the floor, my socks grew damp from what could only be described as rain. Perhaps it had been too long since I last felt the rain. A sense of melancholy, the kind one might feel at 2 a.m., washed over me. Tears welled up suddenly. Even in this state, I worried about Tae Seong-je. He must have heard everything. I should have kept my wits about me, but I couldn’t, and in a moment of anger, I spilled a secret I had intended to keep for life. Nothing felt more unfair than that.

Though it seemed like the rain was barely falling, it was enough to eventually knock down the cherry blossoms I had seen only a few times. But does everything truly end when the flowers fall? After the spring blossoms fade, summer flowers will take their place, so there’s no need for regret. I had already seen enough of them before I died. That August when I was twenty-two, when I died, was a sweltering month, so hot from July. The sweltering heat was so intense that jokes about dying from the heat began to sound serious.

I would have normally stayed holed up in my apartment, studying or working out under the cool air of the air conditioner, trying to quickly get through the hot summer days. But after reuniting with Tae Seong-je, that plan all disappeared. Even when I didn’t want him around, it was clear that he cared, so I couldn’t just give up. He had chased after me for an entire year. Just when I thought we were getting closer, we would drift apart again, and when we seemed distant, we’d get close, which only made me more anxious.

The problem was that once I came back to my hometown, I couldn’t devote all my time to him. Leaving the house was one thing, but with the holidays, everyone was back home, and familiar faces were everywhere. Old friends from high school were organizing reunions, and there was no way I could skip out on all the gatherings. It was practically impossible to be absent from them all.

Then one day, when cosmos bouquets were seen everywhere for graduations, perhaps because I had some peace of mind, I thought of the graduation bouquet I hadn’t been able to give. I wanted to give it to my brother in person. I didn’t really need to give it in person, but I stubbornly insisted because I wanted to see his face while giving it. So that day, I postponed all my appointments and waited for him.

At that time, I still didn’t have his contact information, so if I wanted to meet him, I had to either tell him in advance or write a letter. To some, writing a letter might seem like something only a child would do, something embarrassing for a grown man, but that was all part of the plan.

One day, when he told me not to get attached, I decided to make sure he couldn’t help but grow attached. Like writing in a diary, I wrote him a letter every day, adding doodles, and I would leave it in his mailbox myself. I believe that this effort played a part in melting his heart.

I waited for a long time at our meeting place, holding the bouquet. Since I had sent the letter the night before, I thought he might not have seen it yet if he hadn’t gone home. But then I worried—what if he was purposely avoiding me again, trying to cut me off? The thought was overwhelming.

I was so worried that I didn’t notice my sister secretly following me, and even when friends I ran into mentioned heatstroke with concern, I couldn’t leave that spot. I waited for hours, not knowing it might be where I would die.

“Hyung, what should I do? Hyung…”

“…”

There was a time when I was so worried about you and missed you terribly. Among the memories that have worn away, the only ones that remain clearly are those from our childhood, and in those memories, you were the most precious. Maybe if you hadn’t been so caught up in your own life and hadn’t abandoned me back then, you would have become the family member I so desperately wanted. But you didn’t, and unlike you, I don’t feel guilty about not loving our parents because I never thought of family as anything special to begin with.

You were so full of affection that you loved even our abusive parents despite resenting them, and traces of that remain here. Because of those traces, no matter how much love I feel, I can never fully attach myself to the father and mother here. The remnants of your love-hate relationship have twisted things too much for me. They say God creates the world, but perhaps this place is a world created by the ghost of my sister, Seo Yi-yeon.

The memories in my dreams—they always began from the perspective of an observer. If it was just an ordinary dream, it wouldn’t matter, but those were undoubtedly my memories. Even as my memories were taken away, they were shown to me again in dreams as if doing me a favor. I wondered what it all meant, but thinking about it that way, it all seemed to make sense. You really liked me, but you hated the person I liked with a passion. However, there’s always a variable in everything, so even the ghost couldn’t have predicted that I would survive in that place. How could that possibly be your fault?

But the you in front of me now is Seo Seung-joon, just a mere human who has returned with lots of desires and ambitions. My flower-like little brother