DI Ch 35

I climbed onto the bed and lay down next to him. I glanced at him, but Tae Seong-je just stared at me and didn’t make any special gestures. There were no sexual glances or dirty words. In my eyes, he was just a very cool guy who made my heart flutter, or a really good older sister, or a good lover. Other than that, I couldn’t see anyone else.

His presence could be felt even when he was still, and I awkwardly wiggled my toes before opening my mouth.

“Aren’t you going to do it?”

“What.”

I glanced at him without saying anything. Tae Seong-je then gave me a mischievous smile and tilted his head in my direction.

“Do you want to?”

“Not really… After all, you came here to do something.”

Tae Seong-je just laughed. So I didn’t bother to tell him that, actually… I thought I was okay for the day if he wanted to. It was a ridiculously conceited and deceitful thought, but as if laughing at me, he stroked my hair once and then stopped.

I blinked in embarrassment at his lack of interest in Seo Seung-won’s body, but he just looked at me observantly with a relaxed face. Just as I was becoming restless and nervous, Tae Seong-je smiled lightly and said,

“I just came to cheer you up.”

A spring breeze blew in through the partially open veranda, shaking his hair and my heart. I took a breath and lowered my gaze. I thought to myself that it couldn’t be. I thought to myself that it couldn’t be. I shouldn’t believe he’d come all the way to the sea for me.

Because Tae Seong-je always hiding something.

“Breathe.”

“…”

“Why aren’t you breathing? You do that sometimes. Don’t do that.”

He laughed and patted my cheek. I smell a faint scent of skin from Tae Seong-je’s hand.

“Look. Your face is all flushed.”

His rough, hard hands weren’t soft in the least, but they were big and reliable that I wanted to bury my face in them. I wanted to lean on him and fall asleep in his arms. The warmth and tenderness in his eyes seemed to melt away to the point where even the air felt warm, but I seemed to be the only one who noticed.

It feels like only I am aware of it. I was a little embarrassed and pulled the blanket up to the tip of my nose. I wonder when this will be nothing. My heart was pounding. If my heart is racing because Seo Seung-won fell in love with him, whose heart is racing because I want this night to pass slowly? Is this also not mine?

I thought I was dreaming again when I couldn’t hear the faint sound of waves. As usual, I sat in the background and watched my younger sister and me. We both looked like middle schoolers. Maybe elementary school. Because around this time of year, we grew up faster than our inner selves.

– ■■■, straighten your back.

The younger me said while solving the problem without looking up. My younger sister didn’t look at me either and said.

– Why. Mom isn’t here.

– You got caught right away when she came in suddenly before.

For a moment, I thought I knew what the young me was going to say, so I looked at my younger sister without realizing it.

– And do you think it’s pretty when a girl’s back is hunched?

– Seriously. You’re going to say things like that, too?

My younger sister got annoyed while reading a comic book that had its cover changed to a workbook. I couldn’t see it when I was young, but I could tell she was appalled. My younger sister was terribly disgusted with it. Feeling sorry, I sat next to my younger sister and patted her on the shoulder. Although I was only touching the air, my hand went through my younger sister’s body.

I was annoyed at the time because it seemed like I was the only one being blamed, so I told her to sit up straight in case she got yelled at. The two of us fought for a long time, whispering to each other to make sure the sound couldn’t be heard even in the living room where our mother was. When my younger self became upset, I mumbled a few times to tell her to shut up.

– Don’t be so sensitive.

I looked at my younger sister while covering my face with both hands. My younger sister’s face appeared to be distorted. Ah, she’s pissed off.

– Is everything I say sensitive?

Her voice was terrifyingly calm and sharp enough for a child. For a moment, I wondered if this was the time when my younger sister asked me to leave the house first. The first runaway was when she was in elementary school and I was in middle school, but I was not sure. I was staring blankly into my younger sister’s face, but she glared at me.

– Hey, ■■■. If you act like this, what makes you different from mom or dad?

The child who used to call him Oppa all the time had thorns in his voice. I can’t help but felt hurt. I didn’t feel sorry for the young me who froze at my younger sister’s words. I realized that I was quite emotional as a child. No matter how you look at it, this was my fault, but I was in shock rather than reflecting.

When I was a kid, I didn’t really know the privilege I had. I didn’t even know it existed. Of course, the fact that I don’t know can be a privilege in itself. I had a good relationship with my grandparents, who didn’t get along with my father. They would pay me secret visits, give me pocket money, and tell me I was precious to them.

I loved them. So I hoped that my younger sister would become close to our grandparents. However, the two refused with a smile when I said that I would bring my younger sister next time. Later, I discovered that it was because my sister was a girl, and there was no reason to see her. It was absurd and even insignificant, so if my younger sister had heard it, she would have laughed aloud, saying how old-fashioned and high-minded they were.

But I didn’t tell her that. I was a big kid who had watched and listened to my parents’ behavior and words, and I was trying to grow up and not repeat their mistakes. I didn’t want to say anything that would irritate my younger sister.

The background was turned upside down. It was a classroom. It was common for the flow of a dream to suddenly change, so I didn’t panic. Instead, I quickly blend into the setting and calmly examine my surroundings. A breeze blew the curtains open and the sun shone through. My younger sister was nowhere to be seen as if he had blown away on the summer wind, but that didn’t make any difference.

There was a crunching sound of the mechanical pencil. I wasn’t sure if I was studying or doing my homework. When I saw the young me sitting by the window, I thought I was a sophomore in high school. I was eighteen at the time, and it was a rough time in my life. As a result, I frequently fought with my friends and acted indifferently toward my younger sister.

I looked at the back of me and my friend, who looked clumsy from behind. There were a few other guys, but there were more guys playing soccer on the playground.

Suddenly, my friend nudged me and spoke.

– He’s not really that angry, you know. Even if it’s childish you two didn’t say you were going to stop being friends. He’s fine until he actually says something like that, so apologize properly once more.

The young me put the pen down with a loud thud before solving the problem.

– I did apologize properly.

– No, that’s not the problem. It’s not about apologizing or not. Geez, this clueless guy. How are you going to survive in this tough world if you’re so oblivious?”

When I frowned, the guy who kicked his tongue smiled nicely and continued.

– Instead of apologizing, think about what that guy is really mad about. Don’t just lash out at anything, you do it all the time.

– What did I do.

– Making assumptions and creating non-existent problems out of thin air. Honestly, isn’t it all your fault that ■■■ got even more pissed off?

My friend was smiling again like a guy who had a lot of affection. It was almost all thanks to this guy that put my late adolescence to rest. He was a really good guy and a good friend. Not only this friend but there were many good people around me. Even though they were talkative and loud, they were funny and made high school definitely more enjoyable.

The sound of the waves woke me up. I knew it was early in the morning because I could see the sunrise in front of me. My vision was hazy. My eyes were welling up with tears. I was crying like an idiot without even knowing what was making me sad. The dripping tears had soaked the pillow.

I was just feeling nostalgic. I was so sad about the hazy memories that clung to me like teacup dregs without a name or a face. Only vague traces of emotions remained in my head, like the flattened sandy beach caused by the waves that hit my sandcastle that I built as high as possible. My mind was left with only vague traces of emotions that were so longing, so sad, and so painful.

In the midst of my stupor, I felt like I knew why I woke up. It was because of a voice. I heard the clear and jarring voice of someone on the other end of Tae Seong-je’s phone call. It sounded angry, but it was probably because the person naturally had a loud voice.

[You crazy bastard. What nonsense are you saying! Won’t you come back soon? I know that Ki-jae hyung-nim is waiting for you!]

“Don’t overreact. You know he’s not that important.”

Tae Seong-je laughed without hesitation.

[Waah. I’m so frustrated. I’m so frustrated!]

The person on the other end seemed to worry about Tae Seong-je to the point of pounding his chest. He seemed to be a gangster friend of Tae Seong-je’s.

[Who’s afraid of him? What I’m worried about are the people who are going to tear you apart. Are you going to keep doing things that make you look bad? You’ll be out of here in no time.]

“If it were that easy, I would have died a long time ago.”

Tae Seong-je, who had been cursing, suddenly softened his voice with self-praise.