DI Ch 34

“Oh.”

“If someone does that, tell them to go away. Because you’ll only eat with me.”

I pretended to be calm because he said it casually, but I wasn’t. My heart was racing and I felt like it was going to jump out of my mouth, so I closed it as tightly as I could. I didn’t like getting attention, but now that I think about it, that doesn’t seem to be the case. I couldn’t help but wish for him to continue paying attention to me, which made me nervous.

And we were just out for a walk, but now I feel like we’re on a date, so my entire body tingle. No, wait a minute. What is it if this isn’t a date? Isn’t that what I’m doing right now is a date? I suddenly felt awkward and my limbs stiffened.

When Tae Seong-je stopped walking, I followed suit and looked up. It was a motel. It looked like a room with a good view of the beach. I didn’t say anything, but I had a feeling. We’re w going inside. Then we’d end up doing it. Will he look at me with annoyed eyes if I say no?  Let’s just do it. Should I just close my eyes and do it? The penetration was hard, but other than that, it was honestly good.

At that moment, I heard a ringing sound. Tae Seong-je glanced at his phone screen and bit down hard on his candy.

“I need to smoke. You go ahead.”

I turned around and stared at his back as he walked away after saying that word. He said he was going to quit. Distracted, I fumbled with my wallet in my hand while Tae Seong-je was long gone. My hand slipped and the debit card went down the drain.

I’m doomed. That’s the only one. I quickly knelt down and lifted the cage, but it wouldn’t budge. After grunting for a while, I gave up and rummaged through my wallet. There wasn’t much money either. In the end, I decided to find a place that looked relatively cheap. In the meantime, I got a call.

As soon as I received it, Tae Seong-je said.

[What have you been doing there since before?]

At that, I raised my head in the direction he was walking. In the distance, I saw a silhouette that could only be Tae Seong-je. I waved my hand involuntarily and he said in a laughing voice.

[I told you to go in.]

“Ah, that… Hyung, you know If you go further in here… about 250 meters, no, 300 meters, there’s a place called Mosu Motel.”

[Yeah.]

“… I’ll be there.”

[Why would you go there?]

I felt guilty for no reason at the strangeness in his voice. I couldn’t be more embarrassed to answer, so I covered my face with my hands and mumbled in a low voice.

“That… is the only place I can stay with the money I have right now.”

[…]

The silence was long. I checked to see if it was disconnected, but it was not. The phone hung up before I could ask if he could hear me. Is he on his way? Should I then go first? After some thought, I held on to the barricade one more time to try to pull out the card. However, the cage did not even pretend to move, as if it had been glued to it.

“What are you doing sitting there?”

“My card fell in here…”

I slurred my words as I sat alone on the dirty ground, staring at my brightly shining card. Tae Seong-je, who had been approaching me with both hands in his pockets, came up to me and stopped walking before I realized it. He looked at me without saying anything, then raised one eyebrow and said:

“This is getting a little ridiculous.”

“…”

I couldn’t think of anything to say. This was far too stupid even for me. I was trying to retrieve a card from a sewer. I would not have made the mistake if I had given it some thought, but I was too embarrassed and disappointed to leave. Tae Seong-je frowned and took out his wallet as I slowly stood up in front of him. He suddenly pulled out a card and handed it to me as I stared at it.

“Use that for now.”

“No, how could I use your card?”

I know that Tae Seong-je has a lot of money, but taking someone else’s card like this was really not acceptable.

“Don’t think too much, just use it. How much would you spend if you used it?”

I wonder what would happen if I put my mind to it and use it, so I’m recklessly saying things like that. I couldn’t help it, but I decided to borrow it until my card was reissued, and I obediently received Tae Seong-je’s card. Or maybe I’ll ask the student rep how he was paying with his cell phone. I’ve seen him use it before.

“I won’t use much.”

“Don’t worry about that, just use it.”

I went upstairs with Tae Seong-je, but I was a bit nervous, so I lifted my head slightly from the floor and peeked at him. If he’s willing to lend me his card… does that mean he likes me? Does he really like me? Does he like me a lot?

“What.”

“What?”

“Didn’t you look at me because you had something to say?”

“Oh, it’s not like that… No, hyung, the one from before.”

My face flushed with embarrassment, and I quickly changed the subject. If I said it straight, it would be obvious that I had changed the subject in haste, so I smiled broadly and opened my mouth.

“That, you know that place we were going to go to first, I think I like it a little better here than there, it was a little noisy there, but it’s cozy and nice here.”

In fact, there were no people at the time, so it was quiet, but overall, it was a good building.  I smiled because I was happy, but Tae Seong-je’s expression didn’t look good for some reason. I gave him a thumbs up, wondering if I’d offended him by speaking so little after making the long journey to the beach.

“I think this is a really nice place. I like it because it’s clean.”

“…”

As if that wasn’t enough, I raised both my hands and gave him a thumbs up.

“It’s great.”

“…”

Hmm. Maybe I should just keep quiet. I looked up at him, then lowered my gaze. Yeah, let’s just stay quiet.

I started getting excited again as soon as I opened the door, whether it was because I loved the beach or just because I liked it. It was a building with a direct view of the sea, so I could see it clearly. I couldn’t tell the difference between the sky and the sea because of the darkness, so I felt like I was looking into space. I happily turned my gaze away from the black sea.

A bare asphalt floor, a hazy street, and a place where you wouldn’t die if you fell.

I clung to the veranda and watched as a cherry blossom petal plummeted to the ground. I had thrown myself out like that before. I don’t think about death as much anymore, but I didn’t before. I panicked on the first day of the transmigration and kept telling Seo Seung-won’s family, ‘I’m not Seo Seung-won, and I don’t know who you are.’

After that, I thought that this was a nightmare and that I had to escape immediately, so I attempted suicide. It all started with falling from the third floor of the hospital where I was being treated. I even hung myself with a rubber rope. Seo Seung-won’s family members were crying and frantically trying to stop me, but I was so out of it that I didn’t listen to anything they said.

And then I thought, “What if when I die, I don’t go back home and it just ends there?” When I had that doubt, I was actually afraid of death. When I didn’t know what to do, I started to get confused about whether this was a fictional world or not, and I was really about to go crazy. So I went to check if Woo Ji-min and Kang Moo-hyun actually existed, and they did.

It would have been better if I had actually gone crazy and thought of this place as a novel world, and truly became Seo Seung-won. Then, no matter how much it pained me, no matter how much I missed it… I’d have turned away, believing that everything I think is just an illusion since I’m losing my memory anyway. I would have tried to move on, but I didn’t, so I pretended to be sane and reassured Seo Seung-won’s family, and I pretended to be fine at school.

Suddenly, my body was turned around.

“You…”

It was Tae Seong-je. He’d already showered and was dressed in a robe. My cheeks were dampened by water droplets from his hair. His eyes were wide open, and he seemed surprised. I averted my gaze, unable to understand why he was suddenly surprised. Soon after, he frowned and squeezed my cheeks.

“Agh, aw… Hyung, what, it hurts.”

“It’s not like I want to mess around or anything.”

He was genuinely annoyed and let me go. My cheeks tingled, as well as my grabbed forearms, which looked like they were going to bruise. I don’t know if Seo Seung-won has weaker skin than most people, but he used to get blue bruises from the slightest bump.

Rubbing my throbbing cheek, I pointed my finger toward the bathroom.

“I’ll wash up too.”

I said it calmly, but as soon as I entered the bathroom, I closed the door behind me and flopped down, my entire body drained of energy as a wave of nervousness washed over me. I buried my face in my hands and tried to keep my breathing steady. I’m going to have sex, damn it. I’m not sure why I’m still nervous after having sex once.

I yawned as I walked out while wiping my hair with a towel. I couldn’t help myself. The date was enjoyable, but it was now dawn, and I was tired. I’ve been eating and drinking a lot, so I’m getting warm. It was only natural for me to want to stop sleeping.

But Tae Seong-je wouldn’t let me go. Let’s just endure it. I came out quietly, sighing slightly, and Tae Seong-je, who had been lying on the bed silently staring at the sea, turned his head to me. My face felt flushed once more. He motioned for me to come.