DI Ch 85

Of course, there was a possibility that he died of a sudden heart attack.

Where could Seo Seung-won be? If he’s in my body, he might be alive, but at the same time, he could also be dead. Then, is he attached to me like a ghost? Is my burdened shoulder all because of him? …It’s getting less and less realistic. Let’s try to come up with more reasonable thoughts.

However, perhaps because the latter hypothesis was so flimsy, my thoughts could not continue. My attention kept focusing on the first hypothesis. Can’t go home? I can’t go because I don’t have a body to return to? It didn’t hit me as hard as I thought.

No, wasn’t it actually hitting me hard? After all the futile efforts I made. My time, my effort, and my patience had all become worthless. They had lost their value like garbage. It felt like a little giant had entered my head. My head hurt so badly that I thought I was being stomped on.

That’s how deeply the despair shook me. I couldn’t stand it and clenched my fists. It felt like all the pent-up anger and frustration were bursting out. Old wounds didn’t heal but festered and kept festering. I endured it for days, even for the change of days, holding it in and holding it in, and yet, it turned out that I had been struggling in vain all this time.

I should have given up my feelings long ago and lived a new life with compliance. But I wanted to go back. There used to be regrets and lingering feelings there. Ironically, they all disappeared now.

“Ha, haha. Ha…”

I burst into meaningless laughter, followed by sobs. I refrained from opening my mouth as my voice would likely tremble uncontrollably. My face contorted in response to the emotional turmoil. Now, there was nothing left inside me except for the remnants at the bottom of a teacup. It felt like my insides had become completely empty. Even though the outer shell might belong to someone else, deep down, it should still be me, but I had become an indifferent presence, neither here nor there. The world continued to function smoothly, but I felt like I was the only one disconnected from it.

“Ughh.”

I grabbed my glass of whiskey again and sipped lazily. Illicitly enjoying someone else’s whiskey was incredibly sweet. Oh, I was so glad I had alcohol. Ah, I was truly fortunate to have this alcohol. If I didn’t, my stomach would have hurt so much it felt like it was torn apart, I would have vomited blood until my throat was sore, and I would have been so dizzy it was unbearable.

As I refilled the glass and sipped, the cigarette’s end burned down precariously, and the accumulated ashes fell onto the notebook. I brushed them off carelessly and put the notebook back into the bag. The stifling heat of the unbearably hot summer made me sweat as if I were shedding tears.

It’s hot. I wiped the sweat from my face and took another sip. I shivered at the cool, delicious taste of alcohol. This was how I realized that life might be tough, but it wasn’t the worst. I raised the whisky bottle again and made a toast to the manufacturer.

One sip will make my chronic headache go away, and emptying the glass will calm my upset stomach. It sounded like an advertising slogan, but it was genuinely tempting and appealing. However, if such an advertisement actually existed, if it were real…

I wish it were a magical herbal liquor that would allow me to become an ordinary person the moment I emptied the entire bottle. Then, I would stack bottles of alcohol all around the house like a bear hoping to become human, and I would drink them all. Even if my liver gives up on me, I’ll finish those bottles, hoping that the end was not a total mess.

My thoughts wander here and there, and I end up imagining things that don’t even make sense. Will my worries go away if I drink alcohol? But it definitely relieves the pain, so I keep wishing it would have more of an effect. Even bad thoughts creep in, as if selfishness and greed were trying to take root in my worn-out mind.

“Maybe I should just be Seo Seung-won. Since I’m already in this situation.”

Should I? Steal someone else’s life? Although it’s not my fault that I ended up in someone else’s body, having such thoughts would make me a thief. Maybe I should just become Seo Seung-won. If someone complains, I’ll ask to have my body back.

In the first place, it was unclear whether I could go home even after reading the last chapter of the book. I have no choice in this situation. So, let’s just live here. My body may be like this, but with enough alcohol, I can probably endure it to some extent. It’s better than dying, so let’s endure.

I’ve endured well until now, so I’ll just endure some more. It seems like enduring for a lifetime is my destiny, so what can I do? The world seems to be pushing me to live like this, so let’s just accept it. I’ve already lived a life that doesn’t suit my body once; would it be that much harder to do it twice?

Still, let’s live to the fullest. Pain was unavoidable, but let’s enjoy this new life to the fullest. Otherwise, I won’t be able to endure it. I could only survive and endure it if I didn’t feel guilty or self-blame. But I can do whatever I want.

“Since it’s come to this… should I ruin the book as well?”

Suddenly, it seemed like it could be fun. Even if I can’t change my fate, it seemed thrilling to change someone else’s destiny. Woo Ji-min wanted to get married so badly, so I should help him. I will give a congratulatory speech when he gets married. I’ll give a hefty cash gift, and I’ll praise the groom to the bride.

Woo Ji-min will get married to a good woman. If Kang Moo-hyun shows up at the wedding, he’ll grind his teeth in frustration. The face of a man who pretends to be clean on every level will be distorted beyond recognition, and thinking about it made me shiver with excitement.

Woo Ji-min, who escaped from the clutches of the man who ruined his college and social life, won’t be able to hide his triumphant feeling. He might even carry the bride and shout “hooray.” I sent a message to Woo Ji-min with a sense of accomplishment. Usually, the congratulatory speech is given by a friend of the bride or family, but I have to reserve it first.

1 [16:34] Sunbae, please let me give a congratulatory speech when you get married.

If he says no, there’s nothing I can do… At that moment, I heard a joyful scream. Was it because of the waves crashing in? I gazed at the sky as blue as the sea and the leisurely drifting clouds. I shifted my focus and let my mind wander. From being depressed to feeling good, and then back to melancholy… Why am I like this? I rolled my eyes lazily as I murmured in despair.

“Haa…”

Now, as I was slowly finishing up the drinking party, and cheerful KakaoTalk notifications started ringing one after another. Oh, it’s getting annoying. It feels like it’s Park Kang-woo again. Should I block him? I don’t care if it’s Seo Seung-won or whoever; I don’t want to be bothered, but that friend always has something to say.

Still… I checked to see if anything had happened, but it was the same as before, and he was just talking nonsense again. I didn’t have the energy to talk to him, so I put my phone down, so I put my phone down. At the same time, the phone starts ringing. I reluctantly put out the cigarette, which is almost a stump, and answer the call.

“Ah, why.”

[Why? Whyyy? You saw my KakaoTalk, why are you like this? Lee Hyun-wook came to Korea! And that’s today! Surprised, right?]

“Wow… I’m really not interested enough to be surprised… I’m hanging up…”

[Oh, come on, why are you like this again.]

I looked up at the sky with a sullen expression. I really like the weather. Meanwhile, Park Kang-woo continued to chatter on, saying that a friend had come from far away and that we should welcome him, and even suggested that I come down to my hometown right away. He says he has a lot to talk to me about.

“Park Kang-woo.”

[Yeah?]

I’m not Seo Seung-won. I’m not your friend. I wanted to blurt it out impulsively, but I held back and calmly spoke.

“I’m not in Seoul right now.”

[What? Not in your studio apartment? Then where are you?]

“I don’t know. I just came somewhere to have fun.”

He complained that I was leaving my friend alone and gallivanting around by myself. I threw my phone far away from me. His booming voice was so loud that it made my ears ring.

[I’m so lonely. Stop that and hang out with me. Kwon Jung-hyuk isn’t playing with me because he’s with his girlfriend.]

“Well, then hang out with Lee Hyun-wook. He must be thrilled to be back in Korea after a long time. Have a great time with him.”

[Right. Do you know something? Lee Hyun-wook has a girlfriend too.]

Are you even… listening to me? I suddenly felt sorry for Tae Seong-je. When a person speaks, you should understand what they’re saying and answer their questions properly.

[A guy who goes abroad to study and still meets a woman there, he is doing very well. But… why? Why am I the only one without a girlfriend… Oh, I wish it was you. Aren’t you scared of that guy? Just stay single with me.]

For a moment, I almost snapped and told him to shut up.

“Hey… don’t say things like that lightly. I might actually get dumped.”

My words came out harsher than intended. Oh right. I’m still pretending not to know, but I might hear him say he wants to stop meeting after today. I hung up the phone and rubbed my temples. It’s not enough to just spout nonsense but I’m going crazy about dying.

The more I thought about it, the more it seemed like an action that would make me lose interest too. Of course, this might not be the case. I fiddled with the worn-out bag strap and played with my hands. While hoping that he wouldn’t avoid me and would stay by my side… I feared that he might have grown tired of me and distanced himself. I wanted to protect my loved one from myself.

Because I was afraid that I would make things difficult for him. Afraid that he would become exhausted.

But from that moment on, it would probably be over between us. Unless I push Woo Ji-min off the cliff with Kang Moo-hyun, Tae Seong-je won’t even ask me to get back together. Can’t you kill two birds with one stone?

I was about to sigh, but Seo Seung-won’s parents suddenly came to mind. Even though they are other people’s parents, they have such deep and kind hearts that I want to love them. At first, I was anxious to understand my situation, but as I started to relax, I started to feel reluctant to see them having a hard time.

So, I took medicine regularly in front of them and lied to them that I was not in pain. In my opinion, I acted like that so they wouldn’t worry anymore. It was an obvious act, but… If you keep watching someone in pain, your own mood naturally sinks along with it.

I tried hard to forget their faces. Just when I was about to have one more drink to forget, something touched my hand. It was a leg. I stared blankly at the neatly folded trousers, then slowly lifted my head.

“…”

“…”

There was Tae Seong-je, staring at me with his hands in his pockets. His stern gaze sent a chill down my spine. As I sobered up from the alcohol, even the faint smell of cigarettes became stronger. I tried to open my mouth with great effort, but my head and tongue barely responded.

“When… when did you get here?”

“Just now.”

Just now? When is ‘just now’? I was about to think for a moment, but I heard the sound of fingers snapping. I immediately turned my gaze away from the empty air. He had suddenly crouched down and was staring at me with a piercing gaze. His eyes were calm like a tranquil lake, without a hint of movement, but that made me even more nervous, and the hair on my head stood on end.

“Fuck, what should I do with you.”

I could feel the anger in his indifferent tone. I came back to my senses so easily that the strong drink was nothing. Tension scratched my skin. I froze like an earthworm whose breath had been cut off and just watched my surroundings.