DI Ch 116

It started with a stingray. More precisely, it was a small aquarium within an amusement park. I was amazed by the ceiling-high blue waves and the incongruous underwater creatures. And when someone lifted the curtain that covered my field of vision, I belatedly realized that I had become very small.

“Son, are you awake?”

The young woman said while smiling brightly. There was a small baby in her arms that looked vaguely familiar, and a man next to her leaned in. Before I could react, he said with a funny expression on his face.

“Is my eldest son awake? Son, look at that. Stingray. Stingray. Go, stingray!”

“Uh-oh. What’s wrong? The baby’s crying.

The woman’s laughter was bright and lovely. It was a soft, happy laugh. At first, I didn’t know. The next day, when I dreamed about them again, I realized I was watching Seo Seung-won’s childhood.

So one day I ate with them, went to kindergarten, and the next day I played with Seo Seung-joon, who was like a young calf… Today I even dreamed of entering elementary school.

Why am I seeing this kind of thing now? Was it because I said I would become Seo Seung-won, so it really going to make me into Seo Seung-won? The kindness in this world was quite unpredictable.

The other person’s memories creep in as if they were my old memories. It wasn’t too bad when I was sleeping, but I didn’t feel particularly good after waking up. Even though I hadn’t given it much thought, I got goosebumps every time I remembered that I didn’t own this memory.

Still, I was looking forward to seeing how Seo Seung-won disappeared. I was curious about the situation before I came into this body. Somehow, it feels like the countdown has started until I unravel the happening.

Sweat ran down my face as I glanced at the dark ceiling and turned my body towards the warm embrace. I pressed my forehead against his chest, exhaling hot air.

It’s hot. And, cold.

I blinked my eyelids slowly and then my shoulders shivered from the cold. This happens often these days. As my body deteriorated, it appeared that I could no longer regulate my body temperature. The house was so warm, yet why was I so cold?

My body felt cold as if I was outside the house rather than inside. I hunched my back a lot and rubbed my hands and feet, but the trembling didn’t stop.

I could put up with it if I wanted to, but there were more than a few things bothering me, so even if I attempted to sleep again, I couldn’t. For example, this unpleasant feeling feels like dirt stuck from the throat to the inside of the lungs.

“Cough, cough.”

He must have awoken from my tossing and turning and coughing, as his huge arm came under my head. I didn’t resist the embracing arms and buried my head. His large hand gently stroked the sweat-soaked back of my head.

A deep voice spoke in the darkness.

“Cold?”

I felt a light kiss on the top of my head and nodded. I was glad he didn’t complain when I said I was cold, even though the room was so warm it was practically hot. Even if there was a newborn at home, the room would not be so hot.

I also felt hot. It was so hot that I was sweating profusely, but it was also so cold. It was so cold that my teeth were chattering. I stretched out my trembling hand and slowly caressed Tae Seong-je’s naked back. Thanks to that, my arm touching his side and my palm on his lower back warmed up.

Whether the mood light was turned on or not, I could feel a faint light beyond my eyelids. At the same time, the sound of water boiling came from the teapot on the table. Although I’ve never felt the cold go away after drinking hot tea, someone worriedly recommended it, and I didn’t want to refuse.

I leaned into his arms and played with the warm cup. Although I wasn’t thirsty, I emptied the glass to the bottom in the hope that my dry, stunted respiratory system would feel as refreshed as if it had been washed. But the uncomfortable foreign sensation didn’t go away.

He murmured, touching the corner of my mouth.

“Your lips… ”

I didn’t ask what about my lips. Instead of the unfinished words, I was more interested in the sweat drops falling from his forehead. It must be very hot. He took a long breath before wiping the back of his neck. Well, so do I.

“…”

Ah, I know what he was thinking right now. It was easy to read this kind of expression now. ‘What am I missing?’ He seemed to be thinking something like that.

But it was the same for me. I keep feeling like I’m missing something, ‘what could it be?’ I kept wondering. Suspicion and doubts that were felt in conversations with people and in everyday life. The anxiety you experienced when you thought you had the answer in your palm but found nothing when you opened it.

It was foolish to be terrified of the unknown, yet it was frightening to disregard the warning signal that rang somewhere. So I keep remembering the conversations I had heard.

“Stop thinking.”

Tae Seong-je quickly kissed me and whispered. I slowly nodded my head without being able to erase my dumbfounded expression. Right. I have to stop thinking. I feel cold and strange right now because I kept having negative thoughts. Anxiety coils around like a serpent, attacking me with an invisible and peculiar force that grows within the blink of an eye.

I reached out my hand and wiped away the sweat beads on his forehead with the sleeve.

“Sorry, hyung. It’s hot, right…”

I mumbled that I was sorry in a hushed voice. I felt even more sorry as the response was just a nonchalant shrug. At first, he told me not to worry because he didn’t mind the heat much, and reacted as if it was nothing. How could that be?

Shivering from the cold while exhaling hot breath, he suddenly let out a sigh.

 “It’s probably because of me.”

…Huh?

“I… If I didn’t…”

What does he mean? I wanted to ask, but my entire body hurt like I had a fever, that I couldn’t even tilt my ear to listen. Honestly, just enduring and holding back the urge to make sounds of being in pain felt overwhelming, 

At that time, he lifted me up with the blanket and left the bedroom.

“No… Hyung, what are you doing?”

I was wondering what was going on when he suddenly began whirling around the living room. I leaned on his shoulder and laughed lightly. It was not like it was going to get better like this.

I laughed so hard that I forgot about the terrible lethargy that made my head feel heavy, and then stopped as the cold gradually subsided. …It was getting better?

I couldn’t believe I was feeling better from such a trivial thing. Out of embarrassment, I hugged the back of his neck and lowered my head. It was good that I got better quickly, but I hated it. Because it seemed like I was faking disease.

Even if it hurt so much that I wanted to die, it would get better in the blink of an eye. It was an unreasonable thing to say. As a result, I was frequently asked by doctors if I was lying about being sick.

It was unfair, but modern medicine was honest, and my pain was deemed unreal, so there was no excuse. Even if I were to vomit blood right in front of their eyes, they might believe it was truly painful, but convincing them of my body’s problems was difficult. Still, what is unfair is unfair.

“Are you feeling better?”

As I nodded, his lips touching my temple felt soft.

“I’m glad… ”

I stared blankly at the person who immediately lowered the temperature in the house, then looked around. The early Christmas tree glowed warmly, and there were a striking number of green plants with a fresh scent. Although the curtains were drawn, I remembered the beautiful garden beyond that window.

Even if I closed my eyes, I never feel bored no matter where I look.

I’ve been here for over a year and it’s been lonely, scary, and… difficult, but if it was all for this moment, it seemed like a small price to pay. There wouldn’t be anyone like this anywhere. A damp towel wiped the sweat from my closed eyes. There was no one else like him for me. He must be the only one.

***

– Seo Seung-won, first place!

A stamp was pressed on my wrist while I was caught in the midst of confusion. First place. My chest swelled with pride at the blue stamp. While I was laughing at the cheering and applause, I saw Lee Hyun-wook with an expressionless face among the children waving their hands.

‘Huh.’

The gaze that made the dewy young face pale. I got chills, like someone who has encountered a ghost in real life. I opened my eyes to the sound of scraping against a wooden bowl. My heart was pounding in surprise. I blinked my eyes as I took a deep breath.

I must have dozed off, and the bright sky outside the large living room window was visible. It was midnight, but now it was already morning. I unconsciously looked around, but all I could find was a soft blanket. As I sat up while pressing my aching head with messy hair, a pillow fell from under the sofa.

I realized that everything was a dream, and I waited for my thoughts to become clear after careful consideration. Ah, there was no smell of sweat, and my sleepwear had changed. Did he clean me up again when I fell asleep? It feels good.

But, before that, where is hyung…

I watched in a daze as the pressed pillow returned to its original position, then stood up while still holding on to the blanket covering my body. I gave in to my instinct that I didn’t want to fall and couldn’t fall, yet my feet began moving as they wanted. As I walked hurriedly into the kitchen, I saw my lover’s back. I stretched out my arms in joy.

“Cool…”

Maybe because I just woke up, my voice sounded weak and hoarse. However, instead of thinking about refining my voice, I murmured in a dreamy tone.

“Hyung, you’re cool…”