DI Ch 124

“Yes. That’s how it started, but somehow we ended up becoming really close.”

“You should have just stayed faithful to your role.”

“Huh? Oh, I tried to do the same. But the more I got to know him, the better he seemed… He is truly a good person. He acts like he doesn’t care much, but he’s incredibly attentive and caring…”

Thinking about deceiving such a person made my heart ache, and my words trailed off involuntarily. I continued to bite my lip and then bowed my head. Regardless of how much it was intended for him, it all started out as a deception and a lie.

“I hate that book.”

“…”

“I don’t like knowing the details behind it. I hate that it keeps making me sick. It’s all because of that damn book.”

I hate seeing everyone becoming unhappy as things unfold as expected. I hate that Woo Ji-min’s dream does not come true, and I hate that he lives resigned to misfortune. I hate the concept of Tae Seong-je’s demise, as well as all of their misery. I just wish for them to be happy because they’re all nice people.

“Seung-won.”

“Yes.”

“You know I don’t believe you.”

The words that were different from the low voice asking calmly were distrustful, but on the contrary, they gave me courage. It’s strange.

“I’m just saying this because I don’t want to hide it from you anymore. I hope you know that I have my reasons too. There’s a reason for everything…”

“To be honest.”

“…”

“I don’t know much about you.”

My hair fluttered between his fingers as he stroked my head. I understand. I understand how it will be perceived. Maybe that’s why the sense of disappointment didn’t hit me hard. It was a relief. Then, a gentle touch came to my forehead.

“But I think you were scared. How scary it must have been to keep hearing incomprehensible things when there’s no one else who understands. Wanting to go to your real family but not being able to. Huh? It’s scary to keep forgetting things even though it’s not dementia, isn’t it?”

“…”

It was my first time. It’s my first time hearing such words. What was it like when I spoke honestly to Seo Seung-won’s parents and doctors? It was fortunate that I didn’t hear anyone telling me not to say anything strange. The area around my eyes felt sore and I instinctively wrinkled my nose.

“Do you like it here or there?”

“Here.”

It was a random question, but the answer came quickly. The questions were childish, like ‘Do you like mom or dad?’, but it didn’t matter. If today weren’t October but June, ‘there’ would have been the answer. The thoughts of people who have experienced loss tend to change.

“Okay. That’s a good thing.”

“…?”

Suddenly, it seemed like this person was too quiet. I expected Tae Seong-je to immediately raise his chin and boast, ‘Why? Because you love me?’ and indulge in self-praise, and I would have found it endearing. He’s a man with high self-esteem and confidence, but he also knows how much I love him and seemed to enjoy it. There was no reason to think it was strange.

However, he just gently stroked me without saying anything else. Was something wrong?

Out of curiosity, I raised my upper body to meet his gaze. His quick and cautious gaze was gentle. Although it could be burdensome for someone to meticulously examine my gaze, expression, and complexion in such a short time, I was so accustomed to it that it didn’t feel burdensome anymore.

I leaned against his shoulder and tilted my head. He seemed to be secretly discouraged. He was never this type of person to begin with, but since that day, his overall behavior and attitude have changed, whether he realized it or not. Still, I thought it would be okay to even talk about that day now, but it didn’t seem to be the case at all.

“I like it here because I like you so much, hyung.”

“…”

“I like you so much that I want to give up everything and stay by your side forever.”

“…”

“I like you so much that sometimes I can’t think straight.”

I spoke softly without any pretense, but he didn’t respond. Even though I’m not trying to impress him… I hesitated, then hugged him tightly. In response, his thick arms wrapped around my waist and pulled me close.

“Then don’t go anywhere, just stay here.”

“Yes.”

There was no way I was going to say I wanted to leave now, to be honest, I won’t leave on my own unless he kicked me out. The initiative in our relationship has always been in Tae Seong-je’s hands from start to finish. So until he decided he’d had enough, I had no intention of leaving.

Still, instead of adding unnecessary words to cloud the atmosphere, I nodded readily to reassure him. We held each other tightly. I felt I shouldn’t talk about him. There’s no character named Tae Seong-je in the novel. He seemed scared enough as if he was sorry for not knowing anything before, so I didn’t want to shock him unnecessarily.

I stood up straight in front of the whiteboard, staring directly into his eyes.

“Please give me just 10 minutes. I’ll just pick out the key points and explain them to you.”

“… What? Oh, that book?”

His expression seemed to say why bother explaining. I pointed to the neatly penned words ‘Woo Ji-min’ and spoke,

“I’m not a major character here, so I don’t mind just living. However, the main character, my senior, is different. I wish my senior could live a different life. For that, I need your cooperation, hyung.”

“I don’t really care. Does that senior know about this?”

“I don’t think so.”

Seeing his face, I began to doubt if my previous answer was stupid. He seemed to have a lot to say.

“Seo Seung-won, do you know what it takes to change someone’s life?”

“Effort? Opportunities and luck?”

“Well, if you’re being optimistic, that’s true, but speaking negatively, it’s just deceiving. You can deceive without lying, and it’s easy to ruin lives, even without telling lies. Life can fall apart so easily.”

He muttered, crossing his legs and taking a comfortable position.

“Even though cheating a few times or gambling a few times won’t ruin your life, if you keep going from here, it’s over. The moment you deceive yourself into thinking you’re okay and things will get better, it’s over. Life can fall apart so easily. Human relationships are similar.”

“…”

“What if he finds out? Would he be pleased to know you’ve been doing this behind his back?”

At the gesture beckoning me over, I reluctantly approached and settled on the floor by his feet. I hadn’t been ignoring this issue myself.

“Actually, whether he’s shocked or not doesn’t matter. You’re the only one I’m worried about.”

“…”

“If you’ve tried your best but it doesn’t work out, then what? Are you going to blame yourself if his life falls apart as you said? I won’t cooperate until you answer this.”

I placed my forehead on his thigh and was lost in thought, and after a long silence, I was able to nod. Opening my mouth under the gentle stroke of his hand, I said,

“I won’t.”

“Okay. Don’t. Who asked you to change his life? No one, right? Or did he ask you to help save or ruin his own life like you do with me?”

“No… But, I don’t want to pretend I don’t know even though I know. How can I? If I never knew in the first place…”

“I’m not saying this to scold you.”

“I know.”

When I raised my head, I saw Tae Seong-je touching the corner of his mouth as if choosing his words.

“…Alright. Then tell me. If you keep your promise, I will join you too. What do you want me to do for you?”

I stared at him for a moment before reaching for my laptop and placing it on his thigh. Tae Seong-je’s gaze landed on the screen. It was a file containing a summary of the plot, goals, and my planned actions for the future.

I stood in front of the whiteboard again and expressed my desire to twist the plot as much as I could. I even brought up the idea of giving Woo Ji-min my studio apartment, but surprisingly, he didn’t get angry and just listened.

It was quite a successful presentation. However, I was a bit concerned that my explanation for Part 2 seemed a bit confusing due to leaving out Tae Seong-je’s part. Still, I was able to successfully conclude that Kang Moo-hyun and Woo Ji-min should not continue together. And the presentation ended with an invitation for questions.

“Do you have any questions?”

“Uh. Is the book you read a gay novel?”

“…”

Why is the shame my responsibility? Despite packaging Kang Moo-hyun’s feelings towards Woo Ji-min as obsession and resentment rather than love, it seems Tae Seong-je sensed that the core of the novel ultimately revolves around a dirty story between men. In this case, I would be the most embarrassed here. Even though it was a question I couldn’t deny, I asked it myself.

“Does it matter? That’s not the point of this novel. Let me take questions again.”

“…”

“…”

“Can people really enter into a novel?”

He asked quietly. At those words, I frowned unconsciously and closed my mouth. I remained silent until my heated mind cooled down a bit, then responded with a question to regain composure.

“Is there a heaven after death? Can you judge things beyond the unknown?”

“I can’t.”

“That’s right. How can you know if it’s truly impossible? Back then, no one knew what was above the sky, and no one even thought we could fly.”

So, everything is unknown. I couldn’t tell if he agreed with my statement, but I said with confidence,

“I can assert that I’m experiencing it right now. This isn’t the world I used to live in, nor is it reality.”

“…”

“Of course, it’s reality for you and everyone else besides me, but…”

“…Wait a moment. I need to think for a bit. It’s difficult for me to grasp all at once.”