DI Ch 125

Feeling like he needed a moment alone, I decided to wait a bit. As I had resolved not to rush things, I waited patiently.

“But what am I doing over there?”

Uh-oh. Avoiding his eyes, I carefully exhaled the breath I had swallowed. Indeed, Tae Seong-je. He never misses a beat. How did he know even though I hadn’t mentioned his name?

“…Because the setting is a university.”

I cautiously approached him and quietly took a seat beside him.

“You’re not there.”

“Ahh.”

Fortunately, he seemed to accept it without further questions, displaying only a subtle expression. He didn’t ask any more questions or say anything, just staring at the whiteboard. Since he didn’t appear in Part 1, it didn’t feel like a lie, but I felt like I was sitting on a cushion of nails rather than a sofa.

“What I don’t understand is, well, nothing. I get what you’re saying anyway.”

“…Wait, why did you stop talking?”

“Never mind. Anyway, if I tell you, you will again.”

“Again?”

“It’s nothing.”

What does he mean by ‘it’s nothing’? Suddenly closing his mouth without finishing his sentence seemed unnatural. It made me wonder if he was doing it deliberately, and my irritation flared up. Really, he had a knack for making people annoyed.

“What is it? What were you trying to ask?”

I grabbed Tae Seong-je, who was avoiding eye contact, and pressed on persistently. I struggled to meet his gaze as he tried to escape in every direction.

“I’m not going to ask because I don’t think you’ll answer.”

“What are you talking about? I’m telling you everything now.  I told you I’m not trying to deceive you anymore, didn’t I?”

“Hmm.”

He sighed abruptly and swallowed heavily.

“I should have listened to the doctor. We don’t have experts for nothing.”

“What?”

I stretched my arms high above my head. I grabbed the hem of the person’s clothes who kept avoiding answers and delaying time. What was with him that made people curious?

“Seung-won.”

“…Yes, what is it?”

“I really wish you’d spend more time on your own life instead of others’, or your seniors.”

His words reached my ear and were so low that it easily suppressed my curiosity. His dry palm brushed past my cheek, circling my ear before resting on the back of my head.

“You’re in a lot of pain right now. In a few months, it will already be 2 years, it’s tough. I know you’re tired, but if you keep this up, it’ll only get harder for you later.”

“…”

What does he mean? Is he suggesting I take better care of my health…? I seem to be fairly attentive already. I regularly get check-ups, exercise diligently, eat well, and take my medication properly.

“What are you so busy with that you don’t even know what you’re doing?”

When I didn’t answer, the man who had been gently caressing me suddenly raised his hand.

“Is this far enough, or should I go further?”

He started measuring the distance by waving his hand in the air. When I stared at him, wondering what he was up to this time, he made a strange remark.

“Do you know that if I even raise my hand up to this point, you will freeze?”

“Me? I did? …I don’t think so?”

I was caught me off guard because it was something I had never thought of, but no matter how much I searched through my memories, I couldn’t remember anything like that, so I denied it right away. Even though he didn’t casually dismiss my denial.

“It’s a lot better than before, but it was severe at first.”

No, that was not right, was it? But he didn’t seem to be lying. …Was it true? Was I really like that? Why was I afraid when no one had hit me? Was it because of my father? I thought of the person I had forgotten again, but nothing came to mind. It was natural. I’m a person I don’t even remember anymore. But who mentioned father again?

As I unconsciously tried to step back, he firmly grabbed my waist and gently pulled me back.

“If someone had beaten you up to make you like this, it would have been easier. At least then I could do something. But no, you say nothing happened.”

“…”

Seo Seung-won grew up properly and lived well in a peaceful happiness. Unlike me, he never went through anything. We share the same body, but Seung-won and I are different people. Even if I dream of his memories, even if I use his body, I could never become him.

“It would be difficult to find the cause right now. I don’t intend to rush. We’ve got plenty of time. Seo Seung-won, if you cannot recall anything else, just remember this. I will be by your side, and you will get better.”

As my chest tightened, he patted my buttocks lightly, refreshing the atmosphere.

“It’s late. Let’s continue tomorrow.”

“Um, no, I haven’t finished yet.”

“Tomorrow.”

He cut me off firmly as if telling me not to speak anymore. When I closed my mouth, he pressed his lips against my cheek.

“Do it tomorrow. We’ll be together all day anyway.”

Well, that’s true. I looked out the window out of the corner of my eye. Given how long our conversation had been, a lot of time had passed. As he said, we have plenty of time, so there’s no need to hurry. A feeling of relief washed over me as the overwhelming feeling in my head subsided.

Anyway, I agreed to continue the conversation tomorrow and started to tidy up to sleep. But he jokingly asked,

“By the way, you said you forced yourself to read that book and yet found it interesting. You must have enjoyed it since you read it to the end.”

“Not really.”

I got angry without even realizing it. What was this doing to my pride? I shoved my laptop into my bag to calm my flustered feelings.

“I had no choice but to watch it. Because, um, because…”

I stared blankly at my bag. Once again, I couldn’t remember. Like I had forgotten about my father. Was I curious about the ending? Then I must have just looked at the back cover. Did I read out of obligation? Because someone asked me to? No, just reading the first page alone was an impressive feat, wasn’t it?

“I don’t know. I must have forgotten it all.”

“Is that normal? Do you forget that much?”

Instead of answering, I just shrugged my shoulders. Counting what I remember would be faster.

“It’s scary,” he murmured quietly. This has been my daily life for so long, and partly because I’ve resigned myself to it, it’s been fine. There was a time when I was so scared that I couldn’t sleep properly. I wondered what would become of me if everything disappeared. But memories keep accumulating, and I keep living. Somehow I survived. Don’t think about it too hard, I guess that’s how life is.

“But is this, for you, or rather, for Seungwon, does it have a good ending?”

“No.”

I erased the words ‘Kang Moo-hyun’ and ‘obsession’, as well as ‘Woo Ji-min’, ‘resignation’, and ‘unhappiness’ from the whiteboard. Finally, I erased the last name, Seo Seung-won. It was strange to think that just a few weeks ago, I had no intention of talking about it, but here I am.

“He committed su*cide.”

As I prepared to bring the whiteboard to the study, I was startled by a towering shadow. When did he come? I wondered if he was trying to help, but he just stood there, so I subtly moved around him. However, he followed with each step.

“Why? Why did he do that? Did he not like something?”

“Well, I told you earlier. He gets kidnapped in the story. Then, Kang Moo-hyun has someone do it, and then he commits su*cide.”

Now that I’ve made up a story that doesn’t include Tae Seong-je, Seo-seung-won suddenly sounds like a pretty extreme guy. I was about to close the door to the study and leave, but when I turned around, I met him and saw that his face was pale.

“Oh, I’m not doing it. ‘Seo Seung-won’ is the one who commits su*cide?”

After telling him to just take a shower and go to sleep, I was able to get into the warm bed. As I lay down side by side, his embrace felt firm and comforting today. He really should consider changing his job. I wondered how he could do the rough stuff if he worried so much. Just as I was thinking about who I should be worried about in the basement, I quickly withdrew that thought.

“Don’t think strange things.”

“I won’t. Good night.”

Even though I wanted to hug him, I couldn’t move. I should just sleep. As I relaxed, sleep came quickly, and I drifted off. I vaguely felt his gaze. I hoped he would have a good sleep as well, but it seems he couldn’t sleep because of unnecessary worries. Well, I won’t commit suicide now.

***

It was finally the day of our date, or rather, the day we promised to go down to Seo Seung-won’s home. I nodded to the guy who told me to wait for him and that he’d be back at 12:00 p.m. We walked out together, and then he turned around.

“Why did you come out?”

“…Hyung, did you think I was getting ready to go out just to see you off?

I was getting ready next to him when he was getting his coat ready, and only now he asked. Did he only see my face? Where is his mind wandering off to? How can he navigate this harsh world with such a distracted mind?

“I won’t take you with me this time.”

“Okay then. I’ll see you in a bit.”

“…Where are you going?”

“Just to a café.”

I didn’t know what he misunderstood, but Tae Seong-je frowned as if he wasn’t going to be easily convinced. Well, whatever. I’ll just get a drink outside while I wait since I’ll be bored anyhow.

As soon as I got into the car that Tae Seong-je opened for me, he gave me a light kiss and left. After asking Min Jeong-oh to drive to a cafe near the school, I lay down and stared blankly out the window. I used to fall asleep quickly, but lately, I haven’t been able to sleep as easily.

Ah, I should have mentioned it to the doctor last night when he asked if there were any recent changes that I seem to have developed a resistance. I forgot because I was so distracted…

“Oh, let me know when we arrive.”

I must have dozed off again. If I keep doing this, there’s no point in coming out. Rubbing my sleepy eyes, I checked the time and realized it was already eleven thirty. I hesitated as I instinctively reached for the empty seat next to me. It was surprising to find myself reaching out for Tae Seong-je even though we had gone out separately.

I really need to drink some coffee.