DI Ch 128

“I know.”

“You’re doing this even though you know? Damn it, is it fun to play with someone who isn’t even in their right mind?”

… Me? Is he talking about me?

Seo Seung-joon’s unexpected words caught me off guard. What’s the reason for saying such things? Why is he saying I’m crazy? What strange things is he talking about? Ah. Is he just spitting out my ugliness because he wants us to break up? Then what does Tae Seong-je know?

Ah, something feels off right now. My dulled mind finds this situation too fast and complicated to comprehend. I bent my knees and briefly touched the ground to steady myself until my dizzy head calmed down. I could hear voices, but they weren’t as clear as before. I couldn’t tell if my ears were malfunctioning or if the sound had been lowered.

I was looking blankly at the asphalt ground and the shadows with my trembling hands. Ants crawled slowly over my pale fingers, then passed by without a care. One, two, three ants. A small swarm was marching toward some crumbs, probably dropped by someone.

I slowly moved my gaze along the procession as they greedily tore off the crumbs of the cookies. The final destination seemed to be a flower bed in front of the apartment, but they’ve only made it this far. At this rate, everything will be taken away by the bugs hiding under the flower branches.

One of the ants moved forward with a large piece of crumb in its mouth. Even humans choke when they eat too quickly; isn’t it too much for the ant to carry something so large? I staggered to my feet as my head felt dizzy when I stood up. The one remaining ant attached to my finger fell to the ground. Naturally, there was no sound of a heavy fall.

“Seung-won?”

A voice filled with confusion could be heard. I had no idea what I was thinking until I came back inside the house. I’m tired. My head hurt so much and I felt like I was stepping on the threshold of hell.

“Son, why aren’t you coming in and standing there?”

“…”

I didn’t have the strength to answer, and I silently rubbed my face due to the overwhelming fatigue. My hands and face were cold as if I had washed my face with cold water full of ice. I closed my eyes tightly from the unbearable dizziness and forced my shaking legs to hold on.

Why does it hurt so much? My eyes were spinning from the intense headache. Oh, I didn’t take my lunch medicine. It’s been a long time since I’ve been sane. I was so tired and dizzy that I wondered how I could have survived this whole time, and I felt like I was going to die.

As I took a deep breath to calm myself from the dripping cold sweat, a dry hand gently touched the back of my hand. Soft, gentle, and warm, it brought me back to my senses. When I looked up, I saw Seo Seung-won’s mother with a worried expression.

However, the pain hadn’t disappeared, and my hands were still trembling, but when I looked into her eyes, it felt like tears were about to fall. I tried to find a reason, but as always, it felt like reaching out into thin air, with no answers in sight.

I gazed blankly at her for a moment, then spoke softly, “Um…”

“Do you think I’m crazy?”

“…”

She stopped walking and her face hardened. Her face turned pale as if she were momentarily frightened. Why was she so flustered? It felt like I shouldn’t know. I recalled the time I had tried to prove that I wasn’t crazy. The time I had spent trying to convince her, them, and myself.

“I didn’t mean to hide it. I’m just confused, and I thought it might be harder for you if you knew…”

Seo Seung-won’s mother looked frightened that I might spill blood. Her hand that held my hand was beyond soft and weak as if she was holding a thin piece of glass.

I looked at her blankly and then saw Seo Seung-joon’s friends loitering in the kitchen. They seemed unsure, dressed as if they were about to leave, glancing around nervously. Our eyes met briefly. Did those kids also see me as crazy?

No, did everyone know? Am I the only one who doesn’t know?

They say life is unpredictable, but I still think this is a bit too much. I’m not crazy. I’ve had enough of hearing that. I’ve been saying it all last year, yet they still think I’m crazy. I’m just… I’m just…

It was so damn ridiculous, seriously.

No matter what I do, I feel stuck in place and unable to take a single step forward. No matter how hard I struggle, no matter how hard I try, and no matter how much I risk, I cannot escape. Then, I bowed my head down to the floor to find out what it was that was tying my feet, but it’s not the kind of thing you can see with your eyes; it’s more like driving oneself to madness.

When I pushed her away with my weakened hand, she drifted away like driftwood. Her pushed-back face looked sorrowful. No matter how much I occupy this body, I could never become him, just as this person could never become my mother. It’s sad now.

I looked at the picture frame hanging in the middle of the living room. An ordinary family photo with no trace of unhappiness. At first, it was awkward and overwhelming to have to blend in and pretend to be their family, but I must admit that I was growing envious.

How could I hate these picturesquely lovely people?

“I’m sorry.”

I whispered so low that seemed almost audible, and she cried. I once again wondered how I could look her directly in the eyes. I was a thief. Unlike before, I decided to steal someone else’s place, so if I had a conscience, I wouldn’t dare stand in front of his parents.

I rationalized that there was nothing I could do about it. Feeling embarrassed, I packed my bag and hurried out. I ran without stopping as if I was trying to run away from shame. My condition was already bad, but my heart was pounding so hard that my knees buckled and my body started to stumble.

I grasped the wall and held onto my throbbing throat, trying to steady my breath. For a moment, I felt people’s gazes and took a step back. Would they see me as normal? Suddenly, I felt a surge of fear at their scrutiny.

I had the urge to scream. No, I wanted to scream out loud. So loud that my heart felt about to burst like a balloon. I was so sick of being treated like a crazy person that I became nervous that the same thing would happen again.

What if no one believed me again?

I had been stuck in the hospital for several months in the name of treatment and could not get out.

I thought they all believed me when I said I wasn’t Seung-won, but that wasn’t the case at all. They were just trying to ease the stress for me. Worried that I might collapse again. Worried that I might vomit blood again… Worried that I might go crazy again.

The clothes in the store window caught my eye. Somehow, they felt as tedious as hospital gowns, so I stood back, hesitating, and then awkwardly walked away. What should I do? I forced my muddled thoughts to straighten out

At this point, I’m confused again.

Everything was suspicious, everything was strange, everything was eerie, everything was  off-putting, but there was no answer other than me being crazy if nothing was real. Was I crafting a convincing story, believing in coincidences as fate, fitting in, and believing like a mad cult member?

No. I knew it wasn’t. But… I hoped that anyone could tell me that what I was saying was correct.

I was stuck in my head, repeating the same thoughts over and over again, and even if I wasn’t crazy, I felt like I was going crazy now. Who could I talk to about this? Tae Seong-je was the first to come to mind, but I immediately dismissed it. Seung-won’s parents were out of the question, but I hesitated a bit about Seung-joon.

At first, I was convinced he knew something, but if I was completely mistaken, I didn’t want to make the already worried guy more miserable. Then, Woo Ji-min? Kang Moo-hyun? I considered for a moment but quickly ruled them out.

If someone told me that this was a world where I was the main character, I would never believe it. That’s obvious. Who would believe that? Although this was a world made of letters, it was ultimately reality. It was a world.

This story was a novel with Woo Ji-min and Kang Moo-hyun as the main characters, but not everyone lived for them. Everyone has their own story. People get along with other people, quickly pass by like fleeting acquaintances, or live their own lives without even knowing they exist.

So it will be even more unbelievable. They say that your misfortune and your choices are all predetermined.

But isn’t it said that people have a destiny that they can’t reject and a set path? I thought optimistically, remembering what I had heard somewhere. They say that everyone’s life is predetermined. Birth, death. Unrealistic, but also realistic.

When I stumbled on a protruding block, I realized I was once again lost in useless thoughts again. Anyway, I decided not to contact the main characters because I didn’t have the confidence to persuade them, I didn’t want to scare them, and I didn’t want to be treated like a crazy person.

“Lee Hyun-wook…”

The guy who was more suspicious and acting more suspicious than anyone else immediately came to mind. I narrowed my eyes and concentrated. After stuttering and remembering what the guy had asked, I stopped my aimless steps.

I sat down on the street and rummaged through my bag, ignoring the stares of passersby. I took out my laptop and looked through my recovered memory files. My hands trembled as I came across sentences documenting the abuse my father had inflicted on me.

The facts written down as if they were someone else’s story came flooding back to me like a trauma that had subsided so much that I couldn’t bear to feel it. ‘Before even a single bruise disappeared, I inevitably provoked my father’s temper. My younger sister would sometimes look at my back and worry if it would never fade.’

I buried my face in my hands and murmured as I read between my fingers. I felt as if I were glimpsing traces of a forgotten past, leaving me feeling uncertain. But why did I endure all this? What did my mother do? Ironically, even in moments like this, curiosity surged within me.