DI Ch 141

More than the height issue, exercising more than before also made me slightly bulky. I’ve been working hard on shoulder exercises… I could imagine someone bursting into laughter when he saw this… Well, that’s good. It has been a while since I’ve seen his big smile…

I was wearing short sleeves underneath, but I left them unbuttoned when I faintly heard a voice calling out to me. I hastily put on my coat and blushed. I guess I’m really, really frustrated. What a time to be expecting it, to have it, to even think about it.

“I’m out, I’m getting out!”

I answered vaguely and pulled the collar of my coat tightly. Ignoring the suspicious looks, I went inside first, and the room with transparent windows that were clearly closed before was now open. Standing upright, he wrapped his arms around my shoulders and kissed my temple.

As if being led, we entered the room together, and there was one thing that caught my eye. Representative Tae Seong-je, the name on the luxurious nameplate was unfamiliar. Even the air feels unfamiliar. I was standing so awkwardly that I couldn’t even sit down, but he sat down next to the nameplate and chuckled softly.

That smiling face seemed younger than usual. Despite my unkempt appearance due to rushing out, ironically, it made me feel even more relaxed. The sunlight gently filtering through the blinds touched me lightly. Even with the lights on, the shimmering backlight made my eyes squint.

“Why are you looking at me like that?”

“It’s just…”

My voice cracked and I cleared my throat, unnecessarily rubbing my flushed cheeks.

“You look like someone who actually has their life together, hyung.”

“If you’re going to compliment me, do it properly.”

“No, it’s not a compliment. It just feels awkward.”

“…Was that an insult?”

“Who said it was an insult? I’m just saying.”

Without realizing it, I imagined an ordinary life. Regardless of the state of this world, if Tae Seong-je was just a boring office worker and I a boring student, even if we kept meeting over and over, a miraculous life where only mundane moments continued.

“Come here.”

I walked towards him hurriedly while looking at the floor.

“Now that we’re out, should we eat breakfast outside and then go back?”

“…”

I dropped my bag on the floor and nodded with my face buried in his embrace. For some reason, I felt gloomy. Just a moment ago I was fine, but now my mood plummeted. The heavy, capricious melancholy weighed me down, unable to shake it off despite him holding me so tightly. How can I deal with this?

“Hyung, what do you do when things don’t go well and you feel overwhelmed? When you just want to give up and not do anything, but you can’t?”

“Me? Well, first of all…”

He hesitated for some reason, so I looked up to see a troubled expression on his face.

“…That’s never happened to me.”

“Ah.”

“I’ve lived life pretty easily.”

But looking at the tattoos on his hands and back, it doesn’t seem like he’s lived an easy life. His answer was too nonchalant. Is that even possible? What criteria make one’s life count as ‘easy’? I was confused if he was lying to keep me from worrying, but Tae Seong-je just shook his head like it was no big deal.

“There is no reason to live a difficult life.”

“Yes, but.”

“By the way, why have you been clutching your coat like that?”

I gripped the crumpled coat tighter in my fist. Ah, I almost forgot about this again. I forced a smile, tugging at the corners of my mouth. Now doesn’t seem like the right timing to show this pitiful side…

“This is because… it seems like you’re constantly in a bad mood because of me, so…”

“I told you to stop being so conscious of me. Anyway, you never listen.”

“No, that’s not it.  I wanted to… change the mood a bit.”

I must have started rambling incoherently because he frowned and silently looked down at me.

“Ah.”

As I blurted out the words, he suddenly laid me down on the desk with a short exclamation and then opened the blinds. The gushing sunlight was so blinding that I didn’t even have time to be surprised. Shielding my eyes with one hand, I groped around with the other and something crashed loudly onto the floor.

As I flinched in surprise at what I had dropped, I pulled my hand away to see Tae Seong-je’s shirt collar fall open, his chest fully exposed right before my eyes. Wow, he’s gone crazy! Although I’ve seen it many times before, it had been so long since I saw it from this angle that I was genuinely startled.

Unable to hide my shocked reaction, he couldn’t help but chuckle loudly.

“Why? This isn’t what you meant when you said to change the mood.”

“…”

“Did it change your mood?”

It was supposed to change your mood, not mine. I was so dumbfounded that the strength left my hand still clutching the coat. He wasn’t going to miss that opportunity, so of course my improperly buttoned school would be revealed.

“… What are you wearing?”

“… Don’t ask.”

But his expression seemed off for someone trying to embarrass me. As his smile gradually faded, I grew even more flustered. I had expected him to either mock me or burst out laughing – one of the two. But this reaction was unexpected. Can’t he see it’s a uniform? But does he really have to keep a straight face like that?

As I tried to regain my composure, a sense of awkwardness flooded over me. I pushed him away and carefully cleaned up the mess I had made on his desk. … But if he was going to step back so easily when pushed, why did he expose his chest? Just to tease me? I couldn’t help but feel unsettled by his unexpected behavior.

I returned the shiny nameplate to its place and picked up the pens rolling on the floor. The raised blinds exposed the outside, making me feel unnecessarily embarrassed. What was I thinking? Anyway, he’s more composed than me. As I muttered to myself internally, I turned around, feeling uneasy about his sudden silence.

“Hyung?”

“…”

I called out to him in bewilderment, but he didn’t respond, seeming lost in thought. Why the sudden change? His odd behavior of just standing there staring at the floor compelled me to approach him.

“Come to think of it. Seo Seung-won, you.”

There was a hint of hesitation in his slightly trembling voice. The confusion etched on his raised face stopped me in my tracks. I didn’t understand why he was looking at me like a stranger.

“To you…”

It was as if he was speaking with great difficulty. His blinking seemed unusually slow.

“I never told you my name.”

“…”

“How did you know about me?”

A faint ringing pierced my ears. The sudden stillness made it hard to breathe properly. His unfamiliar gaze caught me so off-guard that I couldn’t even say not to misunderstand. What was he thinking to look at me like someone else?

All sorts of thoughts raced through my mind. While I wondered if he thought I had deliberately approached him, the fact was I did make the first move, leaving me unable to determine where to even begin explaining. But I couldn’t stay silent either – that would seem even more suspicious.

“Why… all of a sudden.”

A hollow laugh escaped me as I nervously rubbed my neck. Unable to regain my composure, my voice began to waver.

“Why…Why didn’t you… when you gave me your number…”

“I only gave you my number.”

My voice got stuck in my throat and couldn’t come out. Back then, had he really not told me his name? He hadn’t? Unless he said it himself, there was no way for me to know his name, was there? Really, no way? No matter how I racked my brain, I arrived at the same answer.

There wasn’t.

Perhaps it was a natural question. What reason did Tae Seong-je have to casually reveal his name? It was simply a mistake on my part, trying so hard to remember and recall his name out of habit. I should’ve just said it. I should’ve said everything.

If I was going to overthink everything, whether to say something or not, I should’ve just said it and been done with it.

The regret and shame that came slowly weighed me down. What was the problem? Was it a mistake to dare to dream of peace? Ignoring the problems scattered on the ground, turning a blind eye, and remaining silent… Or maybe, or maybe…

My head felt like it was going to explode from spinning wildly until it abruptly stopped as if snagged on a single part. The catalyst. Yes, the catalyst. I suddenly recalled the catalyst he mentioned – that something jeopardizing our relationship. That was something he feared.

It’s me.

Me again.

In the end, I’m the problem again.

From failing to properly explain from the start, to shamelessly falling for him with no intention of letting go and acting indecisively out of greed. I wanted to catch two birds with one stone but ended up missing both. The sense of guilt made my throat tight.

The moments I shared with him felt as distant as a daydream. It was just a small mistake, imperceptible unless closely examined. If only I had done better. Everything could have turned out fine.

I grabbed my bag and rushed out like I was running away. Crashing into the door and copier with loud noises, but there was no sign of him chasing after me. What now? Are we over? No, I don’t want that. How can we part ways when I love him so much? It was too unfair.

I should hurry back, calmly talk it over, apologize for my mistake, and have an honest conversation. But I reverted to my bad habit again. Running away and avoiding won’t change that we’ll inevitably face each other again. In a relationship one wants to sustain, one must persevere.

But why can’t I endure this hardship, why am I so scared and just want to escape? I would rather solve one hundred more problems, one thousand more problems, ten thousand more problems. I just want to do that because I won’t get hurt or suffer.

My swaying bag felt unusually heavy today, straining my aching shoulders from all the running. I slowed my pace and fixed the loose bag strap. I stood still, thinking that the smell of blood would come pouring out again from my heavy breathing.

“…!”

A sharp crack echoed as my skull was struck from behind. The sound was drowned out by the noise of the city. The intensity of the blow to the back of my head instantly blurred my consciousness and my knees buckled. It was not like the usual headache, someone had literally hit me from behind.

A thick arm snaked around my underarms in a grotesque manner. The strength yanking me back was so alarming that sheer terror crept up my spine. Look at this, look at this. I said it would be like this. That one day this will happen. As my consciousness sank, I heard a scream mixed with nervousness and panic, but it soon disappeared. Then everything went black.