DI Ch 143

A pitch-black confined space, as dark as if my eyes were closed. The floor scratched my skin with indistinguishable jagged pieces – stones or glass shards. The air was as stale and heavy as if left untouched for ages. A faint murmuring sound came and went each time I lost consciousness, but apart from that, not even the cry of insects could be heard.

Ah…

I completely lost my sense of balance. Unable to tell up from down, I couldn’t discern if I was lying down, standing, or swaying. Was that all? Meaningless auditory and visual hallucinations that blurred reality and fiction tormented me relentlessly.

After mindlessly struggling and convulsing from the chills, fever soon set in. My abnormally fluctuating body temperature, rapidly rising and falling in short cycles, quickly exhausted my mind and body with fatigue and thirst. But even that only lasts for a moment.

Occasionally, I was afraid that I had become a motionless corpse. I felt like it had been a long time since I last ate, but I didn’t feel hungry, and sleep didn’t come easily either. Of course, I didn’t actually think I slept, but maybe I did.

How could I be so sure whether I was sleeping or just in a daze? This wasn’t a fear created by paranoia. My shallow sense of reason has lost its ability to judge. A body already malfunctioning from the start was broken down by someone else.

A muttering voice passed by my ears. Simultaneously, my mind briefly cleared. Realizing belatedly that the ceaseless mumbling was my own voice, I clawed at my face. A wave of discomfort incomparable to a hangover washed over me as someone forcefully yanked my arm.

Someone else was in this dimly lit room beside me. I tried to shake off the arm like brushing away a bug crawling on my shoulder. But under the hazy glare, my arm, bruised and marked with dirty needle tracks, lay there. Ah, has it been that long already?

Already.

Already… So much time has passed? I forcibly crumpled the resentment welling up and buried it deep within.

My rusty eyes rolled with difficulty as if refusing to move properly. I knew who it was without even looking at the face. Probably, maybe. It must be that bastard. That’s the one. Whether he’s keeping track of time… I don’t know how he knows, but whenever I regain even a bit of consciousness, that bastard bursts into the room and grabs my arm. Drug-peddling scum, if you’re going to ruin my life, just end it already. Fvck, fvck fvck.

“Ugh, ugh…”

With nothing in my stomach, my dry heaves only produced phlegm. The retching that scratched my throat was mixed with blood. Dazedly checking where I had rested my head, only that spot was stained a rusty red. Ah, could this dizziness simply be from losing too much blood vomited up?

Anyone who sees it would think my belly had been ripped open and blood was flowing profusely. How else could this be happening? This is serious. With unfocused eyes, I stared at the damp floor. Seo Seung-joon or Gu Min-joo wouldn’t know even if I asked them. Then who should I ask?

Who should I ask if this living body of mine is basically dying?

“He’ll end up dead if you keep this up. Do it in moderation.”

An unfamiliar voice suddenly comes between me and the drug addict. No, maybe it was not the first time I heard it. My whirling head couldn’t recall if I had heard it before. I didn’t beg this person for help – if they intended to help, they would have already done so.

Then the druggist said:

“Why? We’re not going to get paid anyway.”

“Don’t talk nonsense.”

Yeah, stop talking nonsense.

“I’ll find a way to get paid somehow.”

Ah, there it was.

It was about money. I glared at the scum clicking his tongue in annoyance. I had no expectations – what else could I expect from someone who associates with drug dealers? Birds of a feather flock together. I inwardly cursed, but I must have harbored some vague glimmer of hope after all. Irritability creeps up from my exhausted body. Can’t they see the blood I’ve vomited up? If they’re doing this for money, just let me die for money’s sake.

Indifferent to my churning or freezing insides, the man carelessly snapped his fingers at me.

“Anyway, do it in moderation.”

“Uh, okay.”

The dealer nonchalantly shook my arm toward the agitated man. Unable to fully regain consciousness and having lost control, I didn’t even feel humiliated.

“They ignored our conditions and now we’re stuck here watching over him.”

He whispered dirtily as if for only me to hear, making the hairs on my nape stand on end. Struggling to gather my scattered thoughts like scraping the bottom of a shattered jar, I deduced: One, the situation didn’t seem to be proceeding as intended. Two, this dealer had no intention of listening to anyone else.

“But isn’t he already dead? Why’s he like that?”

“Well, he’s dead then. Gone, poof.”

The voice of the drug dealer laughing intermittently rings out. It was a tingling moment, but in an instant, no, maybe, slowly, my mood went round and round, and something changed. They backed off, the gap in the door narrowed, and eventually… even the darkness confined me in its grasp.

***

You said you’d protect me, but you didn’t. You said everything would be okay, but it wasn’t.  You said you would watch over me, but you didn’t…

***

Right then, it felt like time was slipping away, and I couldn’t stop it as I pleased. It was a mess, like I couldn’t escape from a strong current no matter how much I shouted for it to stop. The surroundings were still dark. But it wasn’t complete darkness. A faint light seeped in, seeming to come from under that door.

The thin beam of light, almost insignificant, occasionally flickered. At first, I thought it was light coming in through a hallway window, but when I saw that, I thought, ‘Oh, it’s just a fluorescent light that’s going out.’ You become obsessed with light when you lose track of night and day. I feel like Pavlov’s dog. Only when someone opens that door… only at that precise moment does that longed-for light flood into this confined space.

I shivered in a daze and closed my eyes as if I was falling asleep. But why doesn’t it particularly disappoint me when the light withdraws? As if a fog descended in my mind, or was enveloped in a floating sensation, the feeling was pleasant enough that I opened my eyes again. Not bad. Not bad. It wasn’t bad at all. It was much better than pain, so I unknowingly got sucked into it. Into what? Ah, what was it… but… is it important right now…?

***

“Ugh, ugh, cough, cough.”

As soon as I came to my senses, flashes of blue light danced before my eyes. Even as I writhed in dry heaves on the floor, I looked around. Shouldn’t my eyes have been used to the darkness by then? How much time had passed? How many days had it been?

It was terrifying that I wasn’t hungry. I only felt dizzy, and nauseous, like my head was splitting. I didn’t know what had happened to me. Only then, as fear crept in, did a dreadful longing to immerse myself in that feeling, like escaping again, shake me.

That’s how much my whole body hurt. Flu? It was incomparable to back then. It was different from my usual aches. Ah, damn, it hurt too much. I trembled uncontrollably as if in shock, then suddenly opened my eyes. Cut the rope, cut it first.

At that thought, I hurriedly looked at my wrist. However, I was not tied down anywhere right now. After idly fumbling with my wrist in the dark, I raised my head toward the door. … How could one be so confident?

Knowing what was in my bag, they didn’t touch it, not tying me up, even leaving me unattended. What? What was it? What on earth? I rolled my eyes anxiously. The unreasonable confidence was too much for no reason. It was so overwhelming that I couldn’t even understand it.

I tried to suppress my impatience. People around, the road CCTV. Even the surrounding shops, and not to mention the black box. It must have been recorded. Somewhere, surely it was recorded, and people would know there was a problem. In a world like today’s, kidnapping someone in the morning? It’s just a matter of time before they’re caught.

But mocking that, a raucous laughter echoed on the floor. I involuntarily flinched back. …How can they laugh? How can they be so at ease? I feel so small. Their calmness makes me cower and anxious. 

With limp hands, I set my bag down. But I can’t just stay still. I immediately looked for water. As soon as I felt the cool water bottle in the darkness, it felt like I had everything in the world.

Just one sip, but tears welled up. But my parched throat seemed startled, so I held the water in my mouth for a bit before slowly, very slowly swallowing the water. I’ve never felt water taste so good. I even seemed to know what it felt like to be alive.

While I was thinking of getting a flashlight in my head, I was looking for a chocolate bar with my hands. Not being hungry was too frightening; I wanted to put something in my mouth. With my hands weakened, I tore open the wrapper and shoved the chocolate bar into my mouth. As the high-calorie sugar entered, the discomfort in my head seemed to alleviate slightly.

I belatedly turned on the light and started looking for the axe. I gritted my teeth and swung vigorously to check my grip strength. My eyes were spinning for a moment, but it wasn’t the worst. Maybe I can handle one person. But I’d have to ambush them. 

In fact, I could pass out at any moment. I’m on the verge of throwing up. I surveyed my surroundings while catching my breath. I took a deep breath and looked around. Black… It’s a black wall. No, it’s cloth. Holding just the axe, I forcibly stood on my shaky legs. 

I wiped the dripping sweat from my forehead and breathed. I glanced at the bottom like checking for a door, then turned to the opposite wall. Feeling hopeful, I felt along the wall. 

“…” 

Holding the flashlight I had in my mouth, I muttered in despair. 

“It’s not there.”