DI Ch 149

Clip-clip.

When I opened my eyes from a deep sleep to the sound of nails being clipped, I could smell the faint scent of cigarettes at the tip of my nose. At the end of my blurred focus, I saw an old woman smoking a cigarette. She holds my hand tightly while holding a cigarette in her mouth.

I didn’t have the strength to ask what she was doing, so I just stared at her from afar, and the grandmother muttered as she exhaled smoke,

“Your nails are like ghost nails. Ghost nails.”

Let alone have the mind to clip them… I didn’t even have the thought to look at them. After having nothing to eat, I was just grasping wild berries and tree bark in my hands, wondering if I should eat them.

There was no time to care for the painful wounds. What was it like when I couldn’t even make a sloppy bonfire due to autumn drizzle? In my despair, I thought for a long time whether it was time to write a will. As each day passed, my memories suddenly disappeared and I was scared as if there was a hole in my head. Thinking I would be okay if I went to the hospital, I mumbled what I could remember into a recording for the time being.

Now that I think about it again, I don’t think I was in a normal mental state. Before I knew it, I was losing my mind, and the time I spent dazed became longer, I felt paranoid that someone was following me, and sometimes I felt suffocated if I didn’t check my back. At those times, my vision would suddenly go completely dark. Then if I fell rolling down a slope, I was so terribly afraid I might die this time that I couldn’t move at all.

But that was only for a moment, and I somehow made my way forward, crawling like a wild animal. I moved not because I missed people or because I was lonely, but simply because I wanted to live. I ignored the bitter taste of blood filling my mouth because I didn’t want to die. If I stopped to rest anywhere for even a moment, I thought my body might just rot away into a corpse right there.

I was out of my mind. But now that I’ve come down the mountain like this, everything will be okay. The only worry was whether I would be able to properly return to my daily life.I can’t remember anyone’s face or name. My body and mind seem more damaged than I thought – how will I be able to go to school? I was so worried about facing my father’s disappointment that I didn’t have the confidence. Just imagining it, the prospect of daily life seems exhausting. Ah, if everyone just understands that I have lingering effects without me having to explain, it would be such a relief.

***

It was the third day since I became their guest. On the first day waiting for the grandfather, I ended up bedridden as if from waiting, and it was now the third day lying there.

A warm room, a thick quilt, enough piping hot water boiled in a large pot to soak my body, steaming hot barley rice glistening with each bite at every meal, along with warm soups and side dishes I could eat without worrying.

I don’t know how long I had been stranded, but my body and mind became weak due to the feeling of life that I hadn’t experienced in at least a few weeks. Even if it was an unfamiliar neighborhood or a grandmother’s house I had never seen before, I was glad regardless. Still, it was a bit embarrassing that grandmother was clipping my nails while I passed out.

Compared to grandmother, who woke up early in the morning and worked diligently,  I could only now manage to get up on my own. Not only was I eating and lodging for free, but they were caring for me too. It was shameful. Apologizing and determined to greatly repay them, I felt around my bedside.

I emptied the yellow water jug onto the tray in one go. The water was lukewarm. This was due to grandmother making the bottom really heated. As I carelessly touched my back, it appeared to be so burned that it would become black, and my palm, which had become calloused and scarred, was damp from sweat.

Hot… Although I had been mumbling about the cold all day, this room temperature was actually too much since it wasn’t even winter anymore.

Straightening my aching body to sit upright, I wrung out the damp towel with all my strength. Somehow I had less strength than when I was in the mountains, despite having fully rested for three whole days. First removing my sweat-drenched clothes, I roughly wiped my bare skin with the towel. Even though the water towel was lukewarm, it felt strangely cold against my overheated body.

I changed into the clothes grandmother had prepared for me, but they were too small for me. I had to roll up my sleeves to make it less unsightly. As I tidied up the bedding and came out, the cool breeze that contrasted with the muggy room hit my face. I took a deep breath, feeling good about the crisp autumn air.

Under the eaves hung dried persimmons, and in the shaded corner stood an assortment of crockery jars and stacks of firewood. There were also disorderly piles of rubber basins and the gate remained half-open as usual. Though nothing extraordinary, just looking at these simple things brought a sense of peace. However, I couldn’t hide a certain inexplicable loneliness.

I looked at the gate where the paint was peeling off in places as I exhaled. The breath dispersed into a white mist. Beyond the fading breath, the door with peeling paint was visible again.

“…”

No matter how long I wait, no one comes.

The grandfather who was said to come soon hasn’t come for three days, and the phone and TV were still not working. What a letdown. I had finally come down from the mountain, but couldn’t use my laptop or tablet.

The power hadn’t been working for a while, perhaps from dropping my bag too many times. Instead of recording, I had been briefly writing notes and doing workbooks, but not long after, I ended up using those workbooks I had solved for fun while resting as fire starters on a rainy autumn day. All that was left were some crumpled sheets of paper, looking like trash.

Anyway, I felt like I needed to go to the hospital right away as my current condition and situation were both unstable, but it was difficult to go all the way to the village and ask for help. The old man who was said to have gone out with his truck showed no signs of coming, and the next best option was to walk, but that was also impossible due to my bad legs. It was likely from a sprain or too much walking – causing my swollen feet to ache terribly.

“My shoes…”

They wouldn’t fit.

I could barely put my feet into my sneakers which had once been pretty good shoes and were dirty and a mess now. I probably won’t be able to go for a walk for a while. However, it wasn’t to the point where I couldn’t walk at all, so I put on my slippers and stood up.

With my limping legs making noises announcing my presence, I headed to the kitchen alone. Though a rural home, not everything was old-fashioned in grandmother’s truly old house.  Everything was amazing. Everything seemed so novel, like the aged walls or utensils streaked with years of use. I didn’t expect a house to still have a traditional fireplace these days…

“Ah, you came at just the right time, puppy.”

I was startled without realizing it. I forgot to greet grandmother and got caught wandering around, feeling guilty for no reason. Timidly approaching her beckoning gesture, grandmother urged me to quickly drink from the ladle filled to the brim with something.

“It’s good for your body. Drink it all the way.”

“… Thank you.”

Not knowing what was in it but having no particular reason to refuse, I ended up drinking it all. Straightening my previously hunched back, I mustered all my effort into managing my expression. It was bitter, acrid, and slightly spicy. What is this? Focusing on the lingering sweetness of jujube on my tongue, I obediently returned the ladle.

“What are you making?”

“Hmm. Acorn jelly.”

Wow. That sounds delicious. Maybe it’s because I sweated a lot. I wanted something cool to eat, and this worked out well. My appetite faltered again. No, wait, that’s not it. I should ask when grandfather will be back. Or no, I should express my gratitude for being cared for first.

While I was hesitating, the grandmother suddenly spoke.

“Don’t go eating things you find without knowing what they are. Our old man also picked and ate some strange mushrooms from the mountain. He was just babbling nonsense and sick for days, just like you, puppy.”

I didn’t eat mushrooms… However, it was difficult to talk back, and I was at a loss for words when I thought that I might have eaten it when I had no memory of it.

“Your face is getting worse that you wouldn’t want to look at it.”

“…”

At her sidelong glance, I unconsciously felt my face. I belatedly became self-conscious of the unsightly dark circles under my eyes and the trail of cuts and scrapes crisscrossing my cheeks and nose bridge from collisions.

“Go on inside and have some breakfast.”

“Let me help you.”

“You’re too weak. Just rest. You’ll bleed again.”

I couldn’t say anything when she mentioned bleeding. While groaning in pain, my nose kept running, which wasn’t something I remembered happening before. It felt like my body was affected as if there were problems with my memory after hitting my head.

Still, I had bled far less frequently than when in the mountains.

Scratching my head, I corrected that idle thought. I should properly explain things at the hospital. This feeling of memories cutting in and out whenever something hurts is really strange.

“Mind your own business. Don’t disturb me and Go. Go. Watch TV.”

You know the TV isn’t working…

In the end, I was shooed away. Sitting listlessly on the porch, I gazed at the clear sky and clouds while the distant sound of a tiller reached my ears. The wind, the chirping birds – aside from those, there were no other noises, which felt rather novel compared to the city. The tranquil silence of the countryside was unfamiliar yet not unpleasant.

Suddenly, a stray cat caught my eye. Sitting atop the woodpile in the corner, its sleek black fur visible now though who knows how long it had been there. Thinking it cute, I tried calling and clicking my tongue, but it coolly ignored me. Yet I was too bored to give up so easily.

“Here, kitty. Meow.”

“Caw, caw. Cawcawcaw.”

“…”

I even forgot what I was calling because of the strange crying sound. It sounds like a magpie sound, not a cat sound. In a state of bewilderment, I followed the edge of the cat’s field of vision and saw two birds resting on a firewood higher up.

Best not to disturb them. Though I didn’t know what, they seemed quite engrossed in something. After sitting still for a moment, I couldn’t just stay inactive – it felt like a waste for an able-bodied man. As long as I didn’t overexert myself within a short distance, my somewhat damaged state should be fine.