DI Ch 154

He just heaved a sigh that seemed to indicate he had a lot to say but didn’t say anything more. No, why was he hugging me even tighter? I didn’t dislike it, but it was burdensome. However, instead of pushing him away, I awkwardly chose to pat his back. I was grateful that he came to find me, after all.

“Uh, um. Thank you for finding me.”

… But how long does he intend to hold me? At this rate, we’ll end up having dinner with grandmother. Since there seem to be a lot of people waiting downstairs, it would be better to head back soon. ….When I get home, I definitely need to ask what kind of person he is. What sort of work requires leading around a whole group of people like a gang?

“Excuse me. Um. Shouldn’t we head back now?”

This position is becoming more awkward than comfortable, and I’d like to separate soon. I also want to go to the hospital and contact my family and friends. Really, I don’t know why everything I say sounds like an excuse.

“Yeah. Let’s go home.”

“…”

“Come home with me.”

His words about going home together… I don’t know why it sounds so sad. My stomach churned. This strange sense of discomfort I’ve felt from the beginning is really making me feel nauseous now. Just as I was wrinkling my nose like I might actually throw up, he kissed my cheek.

“…!”

Omg! I was startled like I’d been struck by lightning. But before I could back away, he came back and this time kissed me.

“To me. …To me.”

“Why?”

Shamelessly, why? Crazy, this guy kissed me! I was so shocked that I covered my mouth with both hands. My body heat suddenly rose and I couldn’t breathe. The feeling of the rough skin of his lips that touched mine just a little won’t go away.

While I was reeling from the shock, he seemed completely unfazed. Rather, it’s like he’s been longing for this. Wow, wow! Crazy. Just when I thought I couldn’t be surprised anymore, this happened. Damn it, is this how my life goes off the rails?

Since my unrequited first love was a man, the fact that it’s a guy doesn’t shock me much. But incest? I don’t even know if incest applies between step-siblings, but this is insane!  I was silently freaking out, not knowing what to do, when the room suddenly brightened.

The grandmother has turned the light on in the room. The backlighting made the atmosphere around my stepbrother even more intense. I tried to step back, but he cupped my cheek with a look of concern.

“What happened to your face?”

“Ah.”

“Why is it so injured?”

Ugh. I wish he had just hugged me instead. I didn’t realize it would be harder to withstand this penetrating gaze. Wondering why my past self did something so crazy, it seemed I was just drawn in by his looks. I was a fool who ruined his own life by falling in love with other people’s faces.

“And what’s this?”

“…Scratched by a tree branch?”

I avoided his intense gaze, which he fixed on me as he brushed his thumb across the bridge of my nose. It made my skin crawl. I could never be this affectionate even with my own sister. Then this was real. As much as I wanted to deny it, it was clear.

I’m so fvcked up. A crazy bastard. But still, this is too much. I hurriedly struggle to break free from my stepbrother’s embrace.

“Excuse me. Don’t do this. Stop. Don’t touch me.”

Of course, I was quickly overpowered. How is he so strong? It’s enough to make me think I wasted my efforts resisting and just lost my breath for nothing. Ah, this is a blow to my self-esteem. It must be because I haven’t been eating or exercising properly.

“I know you’re angry.”

“Me? I’m angry? No, I’m not angry at all.”

Though my self-esteem was hurt. In any case, wondering what he meant by that, I raised my head in vehement denial, but it was no use.

“I should have come sooner. No, I shouldn’t have let something like this happen to you in the first place.”

His regretful expression made him seem so troubled that I almost believed him, but I really had no idea what he was talking about. I can understand if he’s implying he wronged me somehow, but does he want to cling to someone with no memory like this?

Then my stepbrother stood up from where he was sitting. But he pauses. I paused too for a moment. I thought we just differed in build, but…he’s quite tall too.

“You’ve gotten taller.”

is it? I’m not sure. The moment he blinked, he muttered like a person lost in memories.

“You were about this tall back then…”

“…”

I gradually became annoyed. I tried to be patient, but with him just saying incomprehensible things from the start, it was pissing me off. He clearly heard about my situation but didn’t even properly introduce himself.

As I grit my teeth, he keeps rambling on his own.

“Hyung also remembers everything now. Even though it’s not perfect, I remembered everything.”

Ah, did he get hit in the head too? I should have been the one to do that.

“Why didn’t you…say anything?”

“…Probably because we couldn’t communicate like we can now.”

At this rate, we’ll leave when the moon rises. I want to have dinner; maybe I should let him leave first and stay another night with grandmother. The prolonged starvation must have been a psychological shock because I didn’t want to miss even one meal. The mere thought of getting hungry again feels terrible enough to worry about. While I’m this anxious, my stepbrother just clings to me, spouting nonsense.

“You knew it was me. Why didn’t you tell me? Why did you keep it to yourself? You know that I will listen to everything even if I don’t believe it. Unlike others, I’m the only one.”

“… Hey eldest hyung. Hyung-nim, no, I don’t know what I used to call you, but please stop. I have no idea what you’re talking about. I told you, I barely remember anything.”

“…”

In the end, I couldn’t bear it anymore and cut him off. I just wasn’t in the mood to listen. However, as soon as I pushed his desperate feelings away, I felt a clear shift in the air. If I lifted my head just a little, our eyes would meet, but I didn’t dare raise my head. The desolate atmosphere dissipated, leaving a gloomy, chilling air that prickled my skin with goosebumps.

“…I’m sorry. I really am grateful you came to find me, but I don’t understand what you’re saying, so I’m a bit frustrated.”

He must be angry. As the surroundings darkened, I couldn’t see his face clearly. That only made me think worse thoughts. Suddenly, I wondered if I had really been such a fool. Even when someone tries to humble themselves, you shouldn’t take them lightly. I regretted it immediately. My body temperature suddenly rose and I began to sweat, but my weak body stumbled for a moment. I wondered if hitting my head again might restore my original state, but my stepbrother’s hand immediately grabbed me and yanked me upright.

“You Seo Seung-won… what’s the matter.”

I felt a sudden wave of relief. Seeing his confusion about why I didn’t understand him, I realized there was nothing to be scared of. My words didn’t seem to make sense to him. I really didn’t get it. Why can’t we communicate?

“I understand if you can’t possibly forgive me. This time I was too late, and it wasn’t your fault either. Still…”

“….”

“You said you loved me.”

His words spilled out like tears. It sounded so sorrowful. I didn’t know what had happened between us or what kind of time we had shared to make him speak so tenderly and desperately. I could only shake my head blankly while trapped in his embrace.

“I said we couldn’t be together.”

“….”

“If that’s what you’re getting at, about making you cry and pushing you away, don’t bring it up. That’s something I’ll have to atone for my whole life. I’m sorry for making you have a hard time. So Seo Seung-won, please… It’s a miracle that we met again. How can we just be strangers again?”

As he said, this winter was warm enough for insects to be active at night. Ah, I didn’t know it was this difficult to explain something I couldn’t understand. Tutoring didn’t seem this hard. Unable to see each other’s faces in the darkness, our differing mindsets make us sink further apart.

Since emotion clouds judgment, I’ll try to calm myself first. With the intention of starting from the beginning, I spoke gently.

“Please tell me your name first.”

“… What?”

“I’ll try to understand from the beginning, so could you please tell me your name first?”

“…”

Though I said I’d handle it, he was silent again. As he just stared blankly, I saw my stepbrother’s face slowly harden with shock.

“You really don’t remember.”

“Pardon?”

“No, I didn’t think it meant you lost your memory again…”

Seeming flustered, he ran his hand through his hair, then suddenly messed it up by ruffling it vigorously. Why ruin his nicely combed hair like that? I thought he was really strange and irritably watched his disheveled hair, but then relaxed my expression. At least I knew one thing—he looked much better with his bangs down.

“Wait, my…face.”

“Huh?”

“It’s such a mess right now… ”

“…”

I don’t know why he’s so conscious of me, but is that important right now?

“Shouldn’t we get going soon? It’ll be pitch black before long. …And I usually have dinner around this time.”

Worried about getting hungry, I clutched my stomach. As if that was the right answer, he immediately snapped to his senses, swiftly gathering my belongings before scooping me up.

“No, this isn’t right?”

“You’re barely able to stand.”

True, but carrying me wasn’t necessary either? Fortunately, the men who had been standing around like statues were gone. They might be watching from the dark-tinted cars, but at least that was less embarrassing. The man with the missing finger reached out to open the back door.

“It’s fine.”

My stepbrother stopped him and placed me in the passenger seat. Watching him carefully place my bag under my feet felt odd, but I quietly fastened my seatbelt. Then I asked the man as he sat in the driver’s seat.

“So, your name?”

“…Tae Seong-je.”

He speaks softly as if revealing an old, cherished name.