DI Ch 184

“And you said with your own mouth that you’re Seo Yi-yeon. But why does your friend call you Seo Seung-joon? Do you have two names? Do your parents know about this?”

“Ahem.”

He just sniffled without answering. He seemed to be watching my reaction, so I urged him to speak quickly without dragging it out, as it was frustrating.

“Aren’t you going to talk? This is about your life, yet you’re acting so nonchalant.”

“This is ridiculous. You should focus on yourself, hyung. I’m not with gangsters, ah, no. That’s not it, I mean…”

He mumbled, fumbling his words as if slightly embarrassed.

“Remember when I was young, how I used to read novels and play? You used to hide them for me.”

“I remember, but don’t change the subject. Speak properly. Why are you suddenly talking about novels? That’s not what made you like this.”

“…”

An awkward silence suddenly filled the room.

“…You never let me do anything. Mom and Dad never gave me what I wanted, never showed me what I wanted to see, never let me do what I wanted to do. Everything.”

“…”

“They wouldn’t even let me play with Min-ju.”

His voice was firm as he spoke, but at the end, it softened as if he had failed. His face looked sorrowful as he finally managed to continue. Min-ju, Go Min-ju. Suddenly, I realized that despite forgetting the names of so many people, I still remember her name. That’s the only name I can recall. She was just my younger sister’s friend, with no relation to me.

“Hyung, do you remember Min-ju? She’s my best friend, and I’m not just saying this because she’s my friend, but she’s really amazing. There’s nothing she can’t do. She’s a great writer too.”

“Oh, really?”

“She really wrote well. It was so interesting that I’d read whatever she wrote multiple times. But…”

“Why are you using past tense? Don’t you hang out with her anymore?”

Instead of scolding him for his evasiveness, I patted his trembling shoulders to comfort him. Usually, when I comforted him like this, he’d end up bragging about his best friend and stop crying. Although my sister turning into my younger brother was still unfamiliar, it felt like going back to our childhood. Maybe that’s why it felt a bit less awkward.

“I don’t know. I’ve been so busy doing what I want that I haven’t asked. Could it be that Go Min-ju doesn’t write anymore? What if she’s stopped because of me? Is she mad at me for that?”

It wasn’t the first time I’d seen my sibling cry over a friend since elementary school.  Unlike me, he was quite sentimental. I tried to recall the girl I had seen earlier, but nothing specific came to mind.

“I’ve been so excited living like this that I haven’t pay attention to Min-ju. I should have written about Min-ju too. I should have said Min-ju was a boy too. Ah, the things Min-ju wrote were really interesting. She’s truly talented. It’s such a waste to suppress it. Hyung, what if she’s really not writing anything at all?”

“…”

I don’t know. Stop rambling and worry about your college entrance exam… is what I want to say, but I know it’s harsh, so I just remained silent.

“Hyung. You know what? Here, I can do so many things. They say I can do everything, learn everything, and even do nothing if I want. It’s just that my gender has changed.”

It’s strange. Just before leaving home for my own place, there was a hint of unhappiness on my sibling’s young face, but now his eyes sparkled with what seemed like endless joy. It felt unfamiliar. To say it was just a change in gender seemed too simple, considering the stark difference between the sibling I knew and the person in front of me.

“Before, there were so many scary things, but now there’s nothing to be afraid of. I’m not even scared to go out alone at night.”

“…Students should study.”

“Why would a student preparing for exams be playing around?” I finally said it. He stopped his boastful mumbling and stared at me, apparently not liking what he heard. I was surprised; I expected him to frown, annoyed at being nagged by his brother, but instead, he just smiled foolishly.

“Hyung. When I was reborn, I felt like I owned the whole world.”

“…”

I guess he should go with me to that psychiatric counseling appointment we made.

“I had all the people I loved around me, and I was born with nothing to fear, so I felt like, ‘What’s this?’ but I also loved it. It felt like the world was mine, just like Go Min-ju said. I even thought that life was so great. But then… then you suddenly started getting sick.”

As his smile faded, a sense of emptiness and frustration took over. I slowly withdrew my hand that had been comforting him. There was a profound sadness in him that I couldn’t reach, not as a brother, nor as a family member. It was the kind of sorrow that I couldn’t do anything about.

“I’m sorry. I still don’t know why you’re sick. Is it because of me? Am I being punished because I’m living too well?”

“How could my being sick be because of you?”

“Hyung, I’m really sorry.”

Seo Seung-joon grabbed my clothes and apologized several times. I’m not sure what he was so sorry about. Me being sick? It’s not like he wished it upon me. As I watched his eyes welling up and tried to comfort them, he started pleading tearfully.

“But hyung, can’t you go home? Don’t stay here. Go home. They say if you leave home, you’ll have a tough time. Let’s go home, okay?”

“…”

I felt like a truly unfilial child. Even after hearing they were worried, my first thought was ‘Then they wouldn’t be here now, would they?’

“I should go.”

“Really?”

“Yeah. But not right away, I’ll go in a few days.”

“…What?”

“Please talk to them well. No, never mind, I’ll contact them myself.”

If I don’t do it directly, there’ll be an even bigger fuss. I should escape at an appropriate time.

“No, no. Why? Why aren’t you going home?”

“…!”

He suddenly grabbed my arm. Did he forget there was a pond next to us? I was startled; I almost fell in. Even though I’m not particularly sensitive to the cold, falling into the water in this weather could easily lead to hypothermia or worse.

“Why on earth won’t you go home? …Ah! It’s because of Dad, right? It’s okay! Just like I’ve changed so much, Mom and Dad have changed too! Our family is perfect now! Just come and see. Okay? It might be unfamiliar at first, but I understand. But soon you’ll come to like it too. They’re both so kind and good.”

“What are you talking about? Anyway, it’s not just because of Father. Ah, stop pushing me.”

Instead of listening to me, Seo Seung-joon tried to persuade me.

“Hyung. Think about it. Your memories are unstable now, so everything feels unfamiliar. Wouldn’t our home be better than someone else’s?”

“That’s true, but…”

“Don’t you have a family? Don’t you have a home? You do. There’s no reason for you to be here. Right? Let’s go home.”

“…”

“Why aren’t you saying anything?”

The more troubled I looked, the more anxious Seo Seung-joon’s face became. I kept my mouth shut because his words were so reasonable I couldn’t refute them, which made him start to panic. In the end, I had no choice but to be honest.

“You know that handsome hyung who was with me? He gets a bit anxious when I’m not around, so I think I need to give him some time. If I say I’m going home tomorrow, he’ll have a hard time.”

“…”

Seo Seung-joon frowned heavily as if he couldn’t believe what he had heard. Then he leaned his ear towards me as if to make sure he heard correctly.

“Again. What? What did you say?”

“If I leave, that hyung will be alone.”

“…Ah, what are you saying! There were plenty of people I saw when I was brought here!”

No, I meant he’d feel lonely. And just because there are many people around doesn’t mean one can’t feel lonely. Seo Seung-joon, still being a high school student, didn’t seem to understand that kind of loneliness.

“It might not look like it, but that hyung is surprisingly prone to loneliness.”

“…I know I’m not in a position to say anything about who you like anymore, but…”

Seo Seung-joon, who had been listening to me with a dejected face, suddenly bowed his head and mumbled. His voice was slightly muffled, but still audible, as if he was gritting his teeth.

“I’m really sorry for what I’ve done, to you and to him… But still! I can’t stand him! I really hate that Tae Seong-je!”

Even after being scolded so much about not calling adults by their names carelessly, he’s still doing it. Seems like he’s still not fully mature.

“It’s because you haven’t seen that person’s true nature yet, hyung. You’re being deceived! That person, he has been really good to you when you have no memories and are anxious, right? Right? He must have been so good that you even had the illusion that he like you. But hyung, listen carefully. That person doesn’t like you.”

No way. That hyung fvcking loves me.

“…”

Of course, I couldn’t say such vulgar words in front of my younger sibling. But whatever answer he found in this silence, Seo Seung-joon’s face crumpled up terribly.

“Hyung, don’t tell me you like that person?”

“…Why are you asking something like that?”

As I hesitated and tried to avoid the question, he tightened his grip on my arm. Suddenly, he exploded with frustration, his previous demeanor vanished.

“Ah, again?! You said you had no memories! Why do you like him again! You’re lying about losing your memories, aren’t you! How long has it been since you met that person and you already like him!”

“…”

I was about to mumble that time isn’t important when it comes to liking someone, but I knew staying silent was the best option and shut my mouth again.

“Hyung, get a grip! Do you think he’s going to be any good for your life?”

“You don’t measure people based on whether they’re helpful or not.”

“Well, that’s true, but! He’s a gangster, a gangster! Do you know this place belongs to a gang?”

“…”

“Unbelievable.”

As he said, having a gangster as a lover probably won’t be helpful in life. But then again, there are many things in life that aren’t beneficial; having one more shouldn’t matter. Anyway, it seemed wise not to voice that thought either.

Seo Seung-joon, still looking youthful with his baby fat, raised his voice indignantly.

“He’s practically an old man now, what’s there to like?”

“…He’s not an old man.”

I couldn’t help but retort, suddenly feeling upset even though I didn’t know Tae Seong-je’s exact age. Despite his mature aura, he didn’t look that old, but how old is he really? They say it’s hard to guess someone’s age when they’re extremely handsome, and maybe that’s true.

“What’s lacking in you that you have to be with someone like that? You could meet someone better. There are so many decent people with proper jobs in the world, why that person of all people? Every time you’re like this, I really wish all your memories would disappear completely…!”

Seo Seung-joon, who had been puffing and panting like he was throwing a tantrum, suddenly froze. His lips moved wordlessly, and the spark in his eyes seemed to extinguish, his gaze turning vacant. It was as if he had realized something shocking, his grip on my arms gradually weakening.

“…It really must be because of me. Because I wished for it.”