DI Ch 185

The guy who had been spacing out suddenly let go of the hand holding me. I fell to the ground before I could even be startled, breaking out in a cold sweat without even being able to grasp my rapidly beating heart. I creakily turned my stiffened neck. I had almost fallen into the pond.

A chill ran down my spine, and the cold I hadn’t felt before now distinctly touched my skin. This guy had clearly forgotten there was a pond right in front of us. Unaware that my heart had nearly dropped, Seo Seung-joon didn’t even glance at me. He just stood there with his eyes tightly shut and hands clasped together, like someone lost in thought.

“Please, if I’m right, please!”

What nonsense… I pulled my wet fingers out of the pond and wiped them roughly on my thigh. Maybe because it was snowing, the water was quite cold. My fingertips stung as if I’d plunged them into icy water, and I felt like I might get frostbite if I stayed outside any longer.

Even as I was shaking off my scratched-up hand, Seung-joon’s bizarre behavior continued. His posture resembled someone praying, which was utterly absurd. This was the same guy who, as an elementary school student, had defiantly told his devout mother that God didn’t exist, or if it did, it was dead. Now he was praying with such fervor, as if he’d completely forgotten his rebellious teenage years.

Or maybe this wasn’t really my younger sibling? Was I too easily fooled? Was this some group prank? It’s frustrating not having any memories. If I knew anything, at least I’d know if this was all some fun trick. Then again, the idea of a girl turning into a boy without surgery was unbelievably irrational.

Anyway, I was so dumbfounded that I couldn’t even think of getting up. By then, his prayer seemed to have ended, and he opened his eyes abruptly, declaring in a strong voice:

“Don’t be sick, hyung!”

“…Thanks.”

My lukewarm response didn’t seem to be what he wanted, and he shook his head.

“Don’t you feel like something’s not hurting anymore, hyung?”

“Are you in your right mind?”

Can’t this Seo Seung-joon see that I’m sitting on the ground? Who does he think made me fall on my butt? And now he’s asking if I feel better?

“Is this not it? Should I be more earnest? Please don’t be sick? Please?”

He’s trying. He’s really trying. I wanted to humor him, but the more I listened, the less sane he seemed, and I started to lose control of my facial expressions. Perhaps my pitying thoughts showed on my face, because Seung-joon, who had been standing confidently, shrank back as if embarrassed.

“D-don’t look at me like that.”

“Stop this nonsense and let’s go in and eat. I’m already dizzy, and you’re talking gibberish. For now, tomorrow…”

I started to get up but trailed off, then quickly closed my mouth. An ominous feeling crept up my spine. I had carelessly tried to stand up with the pond behind me, knowing it was dangerous, just because of the snow. My pants were wet, and my backside felt cold and damp. That’s why I felt bad.

“Hyung? What’s wrong?”

“…”

Don’t make me talk.

Maybe it was because I had been so startled earlier when I almost fell, but my legs wouldn’t listen to me. It felt like if I moved carelessly, I’d fall backwards. This isn’t good.

Even with my brother in front of me, I looked for Tae Seong-je. My eyes darted around, finally spotting his back. Just as I tried to steady myself on my uncooperative legs, I stumbled greatly.

As my vision tilted, I heard the sound of a splash as the still surface of the water was shattered. The moment I fell below the surface, everything became eerily silent, as if by magic. The stillness was terrifying, accompanied by a bone-chilling cold and the sudden pressure of the water.

I quickly closed my mouth to preserve what little oxygen I had. I felt the bubbles of breath I couldn’t hold back brushing against my cheeks. When I barely opened my eyes, I saw darkness so complete it was as if I was trapped in the deep sea. The night had been so bright earlier, but now it was terrifyingly dark.

My stiff limbs, whether from fear or the cold sapping my body heat, were terrifying. No matter how much I thrashed, I wasn’t making any progress, only sinking further. I should have learned to swim earlier. Why hadn’t I learned yet? Ah. The bruises. That’s why I couldn’t learn.

I had wanted to learn if I had the chance, but even until I graduated middle school, I was always covered in bruises. I just couldn’t bring myself to learn. Father, you’re holding me back even in a moment like this. I shivered, feeling a deep, intense resentment.

It feels like I’ve entered the winter sea. A cold, frightening sea too deep for my feet to touch the bottom. I began to think that I was falling not into the sea, but into the jaws of death. Suddenly realizing that I was still sinking, rational thought became impossible.

Unable to bear the urgency, anxiety, and sense of distance, I inhaled sharply. It was a foolish thing to do. Before I could even regret it, fishy, cold water rushed into my throat, choking me. Everything sank so quickly that I didn’t even have time to realize my heart had stopped beating.

***

“…Huh, ugh.”

I came to my senses, convulsing like someone who had just woken from a nightmare. My body ached as if it had been shattered, and I cautiously exhaled. The intense reality crushed my body and mind, making it impossible to understand what was happening.

Is this how it usually feels to come back from the brink of death? The pain was proof that I was alive, so it wasn’t entirely unpleasant, but something felt off, and I couldn’t quite relax. Driven only by the desire to assess the situation, I endured and endured. Though it was hard to breathe, I was grateful not to be underwater.

Lying limp like a toy soldier, I focused on my labored breathing. With each inhale, instead of the fishy smell of water, I detected dust, blood, and faintly, the scent of flowers. I thought it might be perfume, but it seemed like real flowers. Probably.

It was impossible to make a precise judgment. I was too damaged to process information and draw conclusions with a dizzy mind that couldn’t even distinguish right from wrong. I felt so weak that just breathing seemed miraculous, my ears seemed deaf with only picking up a ringing sound, with everything else a mess.

I felt like I had become a vegetative patient, unable to do anything. The willpower that had been holding me together was about to snap. The only reason I hadn’t let go completely was that I could still wiggle my fingers a bit. In fact, I could move all ten fingers normally, so I was satisfied even with the terribly slow speed.

I wanted to look around, but I didn’t even have the strength to lift my eyelids. It was frustrating, but I decided to appreciate my luck. Having enough energy to move my fingers and think was already a stroke of fortune. I slowly felt around my surroundings. I could feel small stones rolling under my palm. There was nothing to grab onto. I couldn’t extend my arm any further to check my surroundings.

This place was as narrow as a coffin. Where on earth was I? Perhaps because my desire to find out was so strong, my eyelids flickered. I managed to open them slightly, but I couldn’t see anything. It was as dark as under the pond. I’m scared. Is anyone there? What time is it? It seems like quite a while since I regained consciousness.

I suppressed my fear, but my body started trembling. Something heavy was pressing down on me. I had thought it was the weight of reality, but it seemed that wasn’t the case. What could it be? But I didn’t have the strength to lift my arms, so I finally gave up trying to feel around with my hands.

This time, I tried to put some strength into my legs. Hopefully, I could feel a bit of strength in my thighs. I tried to move more, but soon realized I couldn’t feel anything below that, which left me frustrated. I tried hard to bend my knees, twitching with effort, but it was useless. I didn’t know if I was paralyzed or something was pinning me down, which was incredibly frustrating.

As my thought processes started working again, my stomach felt full, and my cheek, accustomed to the touch of warm lips, began to feel uncomfortable. Suddenly, I felt something was odd. It’s not that I was complaining about not having soft bedding, but there was someone who wouldn’t dare let me rest in a place like this.

Where could he be? Why isn’t he by my side? He was always by my side. What was his name again? Someone I really like. I carefully felt my heart beating gently like a dying ember, trying to recall my memories.

As my submerged body began to float to the surface and my fragmented memories started to resurface one by one, I felt like I was losing my mind. Was it because his name came to mind? Or because I recalled everything from struggling against the surreal to falling into the pond? Or was it because I remembered everything, even the moment I was reborn? Was it now suffocating me?

Of course, it was maddening enough that I couldn’t recognize the face and name of the one person I desperately wanted to remember. Not being able to match his unique demeanor, his little habits, even his voice, was an unbelievable situation. It wasn’t that my cognitive abilities had deteriorated; it seemed more plausible that someone had intentionally blocked these connections. Anyone would have to understand if I went crazy right now.

But that wasn’t why I felt like I was losing my mind. I felt like I was going crazy because I had realized my reality. I was currently trapped under a collapsed building. This was my undeniable truth and reality.

Yet, I didn’t think all that surreal experience was just a dream. It was all so vivid. It was real. I remember every moment I was loved. My second family, my friends, and the person who loved me more than anything. The person I love a lot.

This man right here.

I want to hug Tae Seong-je back as he holds me motionless. I want to lift my head and face him in this reality, to speak to him. I don’t even have the courage to properly check his body temperature or breath, afraid that he might have died and left me behind.

Only the dead should be buried in the ground. But no one has died yet. No, no one should die. That’s how it should be. As I finally remembered the time that seemed to have been cut out with a knife, I wanted to break down and cry from sorrow. Tears flowed incessantly, washing away the dust on my eyelids without even giving them a chance to pool.

He had to be alive. Since I was clearly alive, he must be alive as well, considering he saved me. Otherwise, it would be too unfair. I wanted to hold the person who had shielded me with his entire body to keep me alive. In my imagination, I stretched out my arms. In that space, I was free.