DI Ch 186

I thought back to the moment when the building’s floor collapsed. It was midsummer. It was the summer of the year following our unexpected reunion, when we thought our connection had ended with his graduation. We had been together for a year and a half, despite the difference of just two grades, or rather two years, between us. Tae Seong-je was twenty-four, far too young to die.

Maybe it was just my imagination, but breathing became increasingly difficult. In a moment of despair, I tried to remember everything from when the building floor collapsed. What on earth had we come here to do? It wasn’t like we were looking for a place to die.

I reminisced further back to the moment of our reunion. The Tae Seong-je at twenty-three was the opposite of the boy who had been the epitome of first love. The face that always wore a smile when we met was cold and distant, and those hands that used to gently caress my cheeks now avoided any contact with me almost ruthlessly.

If I brought up memories, he would sarcastically ask if I still thought we were high school students. We certainly weren’t high school students anymore. But that doesn’t mean that time never existed, does it? However, he wanted to cover up the past, just as he had always done.

He pushed me away, saying we should live our separate lives, didn’t give me his phone number, and didn’t tell me where he lived. Those lips that once poured out only sweet words now told me nothing.

Yet, he was still kind. As if to show that his past behavior wasn’t all an act, it occasionally showed in his eyes, and he couldn’t ultimately reject my persistent attempts to hold on, meeting me several times. Tae Seong-je was always consistent in front of me. He was a man I couldn’t help but love.

Because he had left me with only good memories, I regretted it more and couldn’t let go, but when I was younger, I didn’t fully understand how deep those feelings were. I realized how those feelings could drive several nails into my parents’ hearts even as I lay down when I reunited with him.

I didn’t want to lose him again. Looking back, I admit it was obsession, but at the time, I was truly out of my mind. I constantly circled around him and clung to him, even though he said he didn’t like me anymore. I focused only on him. I didn’t care about anything else.

Since he wouldn’t give me his address, I followed him to find out for myself, and even staked out his place. Because of this, I was told many times that I was truly crazy, but I shamelessly persisted in trying to meet him somehow and did everything I could to win him over. As rumored, he really was the son of a gangster, and he tried to scare me with this fact, but I didn’t care.

It didn’t matter what kind of person he was or what he did. I just wanted the man called Tae Seong-je. Perhaps understanding my feelings, Tae Seong-je finally gave in and said this:

If heaven and hell really exist, you would go to heaven, but I would fall into hell. So if you like me that much, if you want to be with me, fall into the fires of hell with me. If you’re not prepared for that, don’t ever appear in front of me again.

I understood well why he said such things. There were many good people around me, I was attending a good school, and I could live well as I was, so don’t make a regrettable choice. I understood that he meant not to deliberately choose the path to ruin. And I answered that I understood. That I would go with him.

Tae Seong-je sneered as if I had made a terribly wrong choice, but I know he was secretly at a loss. He seemed unable to understand why I would give up everything to choose him. What he overlooked was that my feelings were not a joke.

When I was obsessed with making him fall for me again, I was already prepared to be an accomplice in whatever he did. If we had to run away somewhere, I was willing to run away with him. It didn’t matter if he couldn’t do anything. After all, I was young, physically fit, and not lacking in intelligence. I was confident I could start anew and succeed. Not just barely avoiding starvation.

Perhaps my feelings got through to him. Despite our immature reunion, we were able to continue meeting for over a year and a half, until that summer day. Perhaps this was possible because we still had feelings for each other and missed each other. Our connection, which we thought had ended, was linked again by chance. And it was the same in that unreality.

If I could put my memories in a treasure chest, I would place every moment spent with him inside, for they were so precious. I traced all the moments when I loved him and he loved me. They were all beautiful. That’s why it was so regrettable and sad that it should end here.

***

The subtle sensation came in an instant. It was intermittent and so faint that one might miss it, but the familiar pain within made it impossible to ignore. If one could define the feeling of connection, it would be exactly this.

Rather than thinking “I’ve died after all,” the overwhelming joy of returning came first. It didn’t matter whether this was the afterlife or not. I just wanted to jump up immediately and embrace the person I loved. But my body still felt trapped in debris.

My head hurt, I couldn’t open my eyes, my ears were muffled, and I couldn’t move. When I managed to slightly tremble my fingers, which were the only parts I could control, there was an immediate presence, and my cheek was gently held. My head turned to the side, and I felt hands wiping my nose and mouth. Even without seeing, I could recognize the tenderness, and I couldn’t bear the desire to call out to him.

Soon, I sensed the presence of two or more people. They seemed to be examining me, and I hoped that hopeful news of my imminent awakening would be conveyed to Tae Seong-je. To think that only after losing everything could I find it again. I had come back such a long way. And as if I hadn’t arrived yet, I couldn’t wake up immediately.

I suffered, and suffered again. But gradually, I felt the intensity lessening. Intuitively, I felt that if I could shake this off completely, I’d be perfectly fine. I was happy, but also frustrated. I wanted to tell him to wait just a little longer, but I couldn’t.

It’s a strange feeling. Waiting was always my role, when did it change? My throat choked up as I felt his hand trembling as it carefully cupped my cheek. How long had he waited for me? How worried had he been? And how much had he missed me? I couldn’t dare to imagine.

The time spent lying there unable to do anything wasn’t just boring. I don’t know how much time had passed here since I fell into the pond, but he kept changing my position, perhaps worried about bedsores, or massaging each of my finger joints.

From wrist to elbow, waist, knees, and ankles, he would touch them occasionally or bend my legs halfway and press them, giving me stretches that eased the stiffness. My body didn’t feel unpleasant either, as if it was being cleaned daily. His expert-like skills made me marvel at how my hyung seemed to excel at everything and live well no matter what he did. When I wake up, I must thank him for everything without missing anything. And tell him I’m sorry, and that I love him.

I don’t know how much time had passed, but gradually the ringing in my ears, which seemed damaged, disappeared and I started hearing noises. The first sound I heard was, of course, Tae Seong-je’s voice. There was no playfulness in it at all. If anything, it was rather dry.

“Wake up.”

“…”

“If you want to sleep more, eat and then sleep. Don’t like that? Are you going to sleep more?”

“…”

As if responding to his desperation and my own desire to wake up, I wiggled my fingers. I’d have lost a lot of muscle from lying down so long. I decided to start rehabilitation exercises as soon as I woke up, also to learn swimming. Just as I was thinking about getting healthy quickly, he suddenly changed his words, making me doubt my ears.

“Okay. If you don’t want to wake up, you don’t have to.”

“…”

“You don’t want to wake up because you don’t like the pain, right? It’s okay. Do as you wish.”

“…”

“I love you.”

Those words, which I had been happy to hear countless times before, felt strange this time. In an inexplicable unease, Tae Seong-je carefully took my hand and kissed the tips of my nails. I realized he wasn’t giving up on me, but far from feeling reassured, the ominous feeling continued. And that intuition was accurate.

“If it’s hard, you can stop. I’ll follow you right away.”

“…”

“Let’s die together this time too.”

His voice whispering to me was hoarse and cracking. The dry, sticky, and gloomy energy in his voice made me anxious. Tae Seong-je is not the kind of man who would ever commit svic1de. I know how wonderful and great a man he is. That’s why I knew he wouldn’t make such a mistake. The problem is that he has a history of dying for me before.

This is maddening. My hyung shouldn’t d1e. I’m about to wake up now. As I was fretting, suddenly, I realized he was misunderstanding something. He thinks I d1ed with him back then. What should I do? He’ll be shocked if he knows I was still down there. This can’t happen.

I focused all my energy on lifting my eyelids. I finally opened my eyes, but it took time for them to focus. Despite the effort to lift my eyelids, everything was just a blur. I was deeply disappointed, but unlike me, that seemed to be enough for him.

“…Seo Seung-won?”

Tae Seong-je, who was about to step back after releasing my hand, hurriedly approached. He whispered so softly that even I, being close, had to listen carefully to hear. He seemed to be calling my name. I was incredibly grateful for such thoughtfulness, as the headache persisted even after regaining consciousness.

Suddenly, I thought of shoes. The shoes he bought for me. Of all things, I had left behind the shoes my hyung gave me at grandmother’s house, almost like abandoning them. I remember them being worn out and dirty from overuse in a short time, but I regretted it. I was also sad about missing his birthday. I know I should be satisfied enough with having d1ed and been reborn, and with him being by my side and having returned.

But I was so regretful of the lost time that I was on the verge of tears. The frustration made me feel like I wouldn’t be able to fall asleep for a while.