DI Ch 195

As I stretched, feeling a bit sleepy and stiff, my body felt refreshed, but the drowsiness didn’t fade. It made me feel like eating less hadn’t been worth it. Or was it just because it was spring? What did I even do, and it’s already spring? Time sure flies. As I yawned, lost in idle thoughts, something slipped into my mouth. A grape? Oh, it’s a green grape.

“…Didn’t you bring too much?”

The large bowl was filled with beautifully peeled fruits of all kinds. From exotic fruits to seasonal Korean fruits, it seemed like everything was there. Even for two adult men, isn’t this too much? I was worried that more than half would be left over, but Tae Seong-je just held out a mango, seemingly unconcerned.

“Just eat what you want and leave the rest. Here, ah.”

If that’s the case, don’t present it like a work of art. It feels like I’ll be punished if I leave any. He could have just brought a reasonable amount from the start. Suddenly, I noticed his fingers were covered in fruit juice. Come to think of it, there wasn’t any cutlery.

So that’s why he’s using his hands. He must have forgotten to bring forks or picks in his eagerness. Thinking he might dirty the blanket, I bit his fingers as I ate the fruit. After sucking them clean and letting go, his palm naturally approached, so I licked it and then leaned back comfortably against the pillow.

“Something other than tangerine.”

I flinched as I habitually opened my mouth. Wow, I’ve gotten used to eating without moving a finger. And I’m even making requests instead of eating whatever I’m given. To him. It was shocking, but my mouth moved obediently.

“If my personality gets worse, half of it is your fault. Don’t pretend you don’t know later.”

“Only half?”

His fingers entered my mouth along with a strawberry, and I almost bit them.

“Shouldn’t I take full responsibility?”

“Do as you please.”

I opened my mouth carefully, afraid I might bite down hard instead of just a cute nibble. My pronunciation was a bit muffled as a result, but he seemed to understand, smiling sweetly. Why does everything this hyung does look so cute? When I picked up a strawberry and put it in his mouth, he smiled even more beautifully. He’s a handsome man, but he keeps looking pretty and cute, which is troubling.

But to think I haven’t done anything with such a person… Hah… Because we did so much over there and so little here, it felt like my body and mind were disconnected, which was confusing. Ah, why should I have such confusion about my lover?

No, does he think he’s really my guardian just because he took care of me when I was sick all the time? Am I his lover or his son? I’m not someone who’s desperately eager to do things, but still, is it reasonable that I can only suck his fingers? Is this what they mean by ‘pie in the sky’?

“…Seung-won. My hand hurts.”

“Oh! I’m sorry.”

Amidst the sweetness in my mouth, I tasted something metallic and quickly came to my senses, pulling away. I hurriedly examined his strawberry-scented fingers and broke out in a cold sweat. So much for just sucking his fingers, I had chewed on his innocent hand like a dog treat and even drawn blood.

“I’m really sorry. Hyung, where’s my bag? Ah, you threw it away. Did you throw away everything inside too?”

“It’s all there.”

He bent down under the bed and pulled out the bag. Although it was my bag, I couldn’t hide my displeased expression when it appeared. Why is this here again? With a less than welcoming attitude, I took out the disinfectant, ointment, and band-aids. After cleaning the wound thoroughly, as I was squeezing out the ointment, I suddenly remembered the past. I chuckled, and he asked:

“What?”

“Nothing. Just remembering the old days.”

“Do we need to go that far back? There’s last year too.”

Well, if we’re talking about recent events, what happened here comes first. Gently blowing on the clear teeth marks, I nodded and then shrugged.

“Back then, our first meeting felt kind of like fate and was cool.”

“…Are you saying last year wasn’t?”

“Of course not. Back then, I seriously thought I had lost my mind. My body just moved on its own, and I couldn’t control it. After hearing for a year that I was crazy, I started to believe it, and I felt a deep sense of shame.”

But now that I think about it, maybe it was fate that led me to act that way. How else could our first meeting have been so similar to the first time? I don’t know, but the fact that I was drawn to you, even though I didn’t like you at first, and that I kept thinking about you despite trying not to, and how I saw more good than bad in you—it must have been because the emotions remained even if the memories were gone.

As I was about to apply the ointment, I looked up without thinking and paused.

“Why that expression?”

“It’s nothing.”

“It’s not nothing. Does it sting a lot? Does it hurt?”

Was it because of the disinfectant? I had blown on it diligently to ease the sting, but his expression still didn’t relax, which made me feel uneasy. It bothered me, but since I was the one who caused the wound, I couldn’t say anything. I applied the ointment generously to prevent scarring and wrapped it up with a bandage instead of a band-aid.

“Someone might think I’ve broken a finger.”

“Still, don’t use that finger for a while. I’ll do things for you instead.”

“What, are you going to bathe me too?”

He’s laughing? This hyung sometimes underestimated me. Just bathe? I could do even more than that. Should I really just bathe him? But seeing him laugh it off as a genuine joke without any strange nuance, I realized he really saw me as a kid. I couldn’t even get angry because I was partly responsible for creating this situation.

“…Hyung, I’ll dress myself from now on. I’ll eat and bathe alone too, so leave me be.”

“What? How can you do all that alone?”

Huh. Look at him getting serious. Forgetting his laughter and hardening his expression, he genuinely seemed to think I couldn’t do it. This was closer to treating me like a newborn than a patient, so it looked like we had a long way to go.

“Hyung, you keep forgetting… I’m twenty-two, and honestly, I’m all better now. I’m fine. I feel so embarrassed being in this room.”

I sighed and gestured vaguely at the room, which was no different from a hospice room for terminally ill patients. I tried to endure it, thinking there must have been a reason, but honestly, I wanted to move to a normal room quickly because it was embarrassing.

I suggested calling the doctor again for a thorough checkup, saying I was so healthy I could fly, but he just looked displeased and changed the subject with a serious face.

“You’re twenty-one according to your resident registration.”

“That’s the same thing. No, is that important right now?”

I was exasperated, but no matter what I said, he didn’t seem willing to back down, so I gave up. Fine, whatever. We won’t be like this forever. I hoped we’d laugh about this later as just one of those times we went through, and I decided to be the one to back off first.

I stretched again, feeling stiff and stuffy, but the uncomfortable feeling wouldn’t go away. There’s a difference between voluntarily not leaving the bed and being unable to move at all, so now that I could move, I gradually wanted to go outside.

“Hyung, shall we go for a walk and see some flowers?”

“Do you want to?”

As soon as I swung my legs off the bed, he instinctively stepped in front of me, turning his back towards me. Clever. He showed his back first, leaving me no room to refuse. I should have known when he readily agreed. Having ridden on his back many times before, I knew how comfortable and even fun it was, making it hard to resist the temptation. I’m not usually like this, but when I’m with hyung, I want to act spoiled. It’s not something I could do anywhere else.

“If I forget how to walk because of this, it’s all your fault.”

“What are you worried about? I’ll just keep carrying you around.”

I complained after obediently getting on his back, and he replied nonchalantly. Then he started talking about buying an underwater treadmill and asking me to wait until it arrived, or saying I might get hurt if I suddenly start walking. I was so dumbfounded that I let out a deflated sigh.

“You seem to think my feet can’t do anything.”

“Of course not. I know your feet can do many things.”

“…”

I was so shocked that I stopped wiggling my ankles and froze. I only came to my senses when we were outside and the spring breeze tickled my cheeks.

“What do you mean by that? Ah, hyung, what did you do? No, don’t just laugh.”

He just smiled mischievously, and I could feel my neck turning red. Ah, for a moment I thought I had misheard. Ugh, for a moment, I thought I heard him wrong. After treating me like a kid, what did he do? No matter how much I pressed him to tell me, he wouldn’t say anything, and my mind started running wild with all sorts of strange, exaggerated thoughts. No, forget it. Let’s take it positively. This is how it should be. Having a lover means not treating them preciously as if they’ll break if you touch them or burst if you hold them, but doing naughty things, mischievous things, or perverted things.

“…Even so, you shouldn’t touch someone who’s sleeping.”

“It’s not the first time, why are you being shy?”

“Ah, come on. Just do it when I’m awake.”

“Alright. I won’t do it next time. You kept sleeping, and I was lonely.”

Is this how you’re going to play it? I snorted and hugged his neck and waist tightly with my arms and legs like a koala. My heart ached too much to say anything.

“From now on, I’ll watch you sleep before I go to sleep. I’ll wake up earlier than you…”

“It’s okay. I was joking. You don’t have to do that.”

“I’m not okay with it.”

I really wasn’t okay. Not at all.

For me, it felt like time had passed in an instant while I was sleeping, but for him, every hour and every moment must have been painful. What thoughts did he have while looking at my sleeping face? In the middle of a large room, in the silence where nothing could be heard except my breathing, watching me sleep like the dead every day… Looking down at me with my eyes closed… Ah, he was planning to follow me if I died.

“Please pick me just one flower…”

“Which one?”

“Just any one.”

There were flowers everywhere, after all. Trying to hide my gloominess, I vaguely waved my hand to point around. I thought he would pick one right away, so I held out my hand, but when he didn’t give me anything for a while, I wondered what he was doing. I only asked for a flower to distract him, so it doesn’t matter, but why is he looking at them so carefully when they’re all the same? Forgetting my earlier depression, I buried my face in the nape of his neck. I tried to hide my sadness, but now there was no need.

“Hyung.”

“What?”

“Let’s live a long life together.”

I really hoped we would live for a long, long time. And when the time came, I hoped I’d die after him. Somehow, I was worried that if I died first, he would follow me right away… Even though he’s not the type, I couldn’t shake the fear that he would. I was terrified that if I died first, he’d take his own life.

“Okay. Let’s do that. This time, let’s live long before we go.”

Even though he says that I’m scared he’ll actually do it. He always scolds me for only saying the right things, but it’s unsettling because he’s the one who seems more likely to follow through. I felt that even when the time came, I wouldn’t be able to rest in peace because I’d be too worried about him.